A
male
age
51-59,
*omewhere86
writes:My partner has taken on financial responisbilities without communicating her intention to do so with me. These have stretched her resources so far that she never has any money. The result is that, although she does not ask me to assist her in paying for these items, I am finding that almost every other outgoing only gets paid if I pay. For example, fuel, travel, supermarket bills, presents for her family birthdays, almost everything. While it the case that I have always paid the lion's share, because I work full time and she works occasionally, since she has taken on these new responsibilites it has got worse and I am starting to find it difficult to manage my own finances. I regularly use my credit card to cover costs and then I take on more hours work. I do a job I don't particularly enjoy but I feel that it is important to work. I felt it was wrong for her to take on the extra financial burden without at least talking to me first. Am I wrong to feel this way? I also found out recently that she had a loan when we first got together and was paying money every month to pay back the debt. I didn't know about this for 3 yaers. It makes me feel mean to talk to her about money because, although I have tried, every time I bring the subject up she gets angry and asks me if I am telling her to get a job and tells me she will pay me back. Unfortunatley this never happens as she has so little available money.On the other hand she can afford to pay £180 for 2 tickets to a concert to which she took her ex-boyfriend. Last night she texted me to say she had bought a second-hand car. Although it was quite cheap she also managed to insure and tax it but when it came to filling the tank with fuel she didn't have any cash and so I paid. She does not have credit card.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): She's in the wrong here, no doubt. She's taking advantage of you by invoking the Relationship. People like her have the attitude "once I"m in a relationship, everything he owns belongs to me and I have no responsibility at all, it's great!"seriously, many people like her use intimate relationships as a means for avoiding personal responsibility. They take advantage of the fact that in NORMAL and healthy intimate relationships, partners share things with each other. So these people twist and distort that to mean that YOU have to share everything you have with her, but she doesn't have to give back. But you see, in so doing, she is proving herself not to be your 'partner' anymore. the word 'partner' implies an equal relationship, both people contributing equally. but yours is highly one sided so she's not being a 'partner' instead she's being a freeloader.you mustn't let this continue, and it has to be up to you to stop this because she sure as hell won't since she's benefitting. People like this will eventually push you for marriage because that will solidify your status as her provider, legally. I've had a few male friends who found themselves in these kinds of marriages, only now the lines are much more blurred. you have to let her know that she's not being an equal partner in this relationship. She's behaving as if she's your child rather than your partner.if she refuses to take on equal responsibility in this relationship - and she very well might because people like this tend to see relationships very differently from us, they see relationships in self-serving ways - then I advise you to break up with her because she is never going to be your 'partner' so don't even call her that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Stop paying?
Sit down and make a budget - split the costs. Maybe some costs can be negotiated (such as you pay for your cell phone, she pays for hers).
Now she might not have as much left over after paying bills/costs so that... can be negotiated.
Seems like she is playing the "kid" and you the parent/ You paying for the day to day important bills and she using her money (and yours) as she sees fit.
You need to to talk to her or you will start to really resent her.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (4 February 2012):
 I was in a similar position. He swore he didn't need me to spoil him & pay for so much (I'm a giver to a fault). But when we'd go out, he'd actually ask "Do you want me to get that" when the check came. Um, if you have to ask that means you probably don't want to & puts me in the awkward position of answering that question. I paid for his cable, household items, Netflix, trips, meals, concerts, I drove so I used my gas-& we were only together a year! He invested nothing. He continued to use me & I felt trapped because I wanted him so badly. But he drove me into the ground financially. Relationships need to be give and take on both sides. Yes. She needs to get a job or stop purchasing frivolous things. But what you really need to do is let her go because no matter how "good" everything else may be in the relationship, she doesn't respect you. Sorry that you have to go through this. Sorry I did too. Live and learn...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): Sounds like she is using you like an ATM machine.
No, that's not ok for her to act like that. She is being a burden to you and she knows it and doesn't care.
Also that concert ticket would really disturb me. I don't think though that all should be split in a middle, but she could definitely share some of your bills.and on general be a partner to you not just a bystander as she is
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): It seems she has a different attitude to you towards money and you say she has run up debts. Unfortunately when you are together it is very hard to keep things separate.
Two things at the end of the letter particularly rang alarm bells for me: getting a car, which is a big expenditure, and going to a concert with her ex at great expense to you. Here I think she has gone too far. Why is she doing this with her ex and not you?
I think you and her should have a talk and find an arrangement that suits you BOTH, not just her. Don't feel guilty: this is a trap people fall into when someone else isn't paying their way.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 What would it happen if you actually would tell her to get a job ? ( since , if she is serious about paying you back , that's what what she shoud do anyway . Otherwise, how does she plan to pay you back ? By winning the Lottery ? Inheriting ?... ). Would she get angry or be offended, and if yes, WHY ? Did you promise , accept or even just imply that you were going to take care of her financially ?, and up to which extent.. ? Has the money issue been discussed before entering in the relationship ?..
What I am aiming at is ,that if at the beginning you have said or even hinted " baby don't worry your little head about money, daddy is going to be here for you ", she may
feel, or pretend to feel, that you are unilaterally changing the rules .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): "Am I unreasonable to ask my partner to be responsible for half the bills? Am I being used?"You are not being unreasonable to ask your "partner" to be responsible for half the bills, but the woman who's shacking up with you for free as a legal stranger (no relation via marriage, adoption or blood) without a lease is under no legal obligation to pay one penny; good news is you're under no legal obligation to give an unwelcome guest in your home advance notice that you're giving her the boot.I can't say you're being used, more accurate to say as long as you keep thinking with your dick and your ego instead of your brain, she'll keep on taking advantage of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): Sounds like she is using you like an ATM machine.No, that's not ok for her to act like that. She is being a burden to you and she knows it and doesn't care.Also that concert ticket would really disturb me. I don't think though that all should be split in a middle, but she could definitely share some of your bills.and on general be a partner to you not just a bystander as she is
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2012):
 'My partner has taken on financial responisbilities without communicating her intention to do so with me' 'I work full time and she works occasionally' 'every time I bring the subject up she gets angry and asks me if I am telling her to get a job and tells me she will pay me back. Unfortunatley this never happens as she has so little available money' 'she can afford to pay £180 for 2 tickets to a concert to which she took her ex-boyfriend. Last night she texted me to say she had bought a second-hand car'READ ALL THESE STATEMENTS AND IMAGINE IT'S YOUR BEST MATE TELLING YOU...WOULD YOU THINK YOUR MATE WAS GETTING RIPPED OFF?She is mooching off you. You don't say if you live together but I am guessing you do. Most decent people would split the bills. You might spend a little more if you earn more but the basics like rent/mortgage, food, utilities should be split down the middle. If you were married and she was at home looking after your children then the arrangement might be different for a few years until she can get back to work full time.Why can't she get a full time job? You have inadvertantly become responsible for her financial burdens because she is obviously bad with money. She is paying her debt...and you are paying for her lifestyle. I don't think thats acceptable. She should be working to the max to sort out her debts from the past and also paying her way now.Time for a chat I think!Time to discover where this relationship is heading.Time to find out if she will do what it takes to keep you in her life...or if she is going to continue to blag you off and carry on getting you to pay her way.
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