A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel myself and my partner of 7 years have an issue between us which is affecting our relationship, one of communication. We do not seem to have the same view where it comes to sharing information and talking about things. I like to talk about what is happening at work or events which are coming up or somthing which I am planning but she does not. I find many times, almost every time, she will not tell me if she is going out with friends or if she has something planned which I will not part of. Sometimes I find out when she returns very late at night. I have tried to talk about this but she gets angry and accuses me of needing too much information. I don't ask quetions of her because I know she gets angry and she doesn't like to be asked about her plans. The result is that I rarely get to know of anything prior to it happening. I have tried not not asking where she has been but she almost always says nothing.We recently visited friends of hers to take a present for there daughter's birthday. On arriving I found that they were expecting her but she had not let them know that I would be there too. In fact it transpired that she had told them that she would be bringing someone but didn't tell them who. I found this bewildering considering we have been together over 6 years and I have know her friends for around 8 years. In some respects I feel invalidated by this although I am not insecure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. I wanted to follow up as I have had time to reflect on your answers and also tonight I have time because I am at home wondering why she will not contact me to say if she is going out or not and will not tell me where she is. It's gone 9pm and I don't know if I should cook a meal or just eat alone. I enjoy cooking and many times I will prepare food and it will be very late by the time she returns. The food is not so good and I can't eat so late at night due to having to be up early for work. Even if I eat something myself earlier it doesn't work because she will come back and want me to join her in cooking a meal - sometimes as late as 2am.. I have to be up at 6am so this gets to be exhausting.Recently she seems to have stopped going to visit one of her male friends at his flat. She used to go a couple of times a week. She would only tell me if pushed and would come back as late as 4am. Last week, when we were shopping, she refused to go in to a particular shop, saying that a woman worked there she didn't want to see. By coincidence I went in to the same shop a few days later and this guy was there. I just thought that he was looking around too but it turns out he works there a few days perweek. Maybe I'm making something of nothing but my partner surely would have said that he works there to me?I haven't asked her about this as I know she will get angry. I am starting to get tired of what seem to be a succession of slight omisions or lies or economies with the truth. I just don't understand them.
A
male
reader, zedd  +, writes (4 February 2012):
I have just broken up with my girlfriend for roughly the same reasons.I don't want to sound like some super wise guy, I can only share my opinion: if you like (or even love) someone, you don't feel that it is such a burden to talk about yourself, your day etc., My girlfriend used to lie also, when it was more comfortable for her to do so instead of thinking and telling me about what she really did that afternoon.Personally, I found this behaviour really disrespectful. I always honored her by talking about my plans and sharing my experiences with her for me, two short sentences are enough, I did not want more in return either).So I see you have a problem like I had. I gave her space, went out without me any time she wanted to etc. So I figured she didn't love me, really. Maybe that's the problem with you guys, too: she is just tired of you being around. I would try to sit down with her and figure out if this is the problem.
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