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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi there! Been with my boy for a long time: he'll soon move in with me and we'll get married in a few years. Love him with all my heart and I feel my future is with him. Still, I've recently started an affair with a super seductive and sexy man who really blows my mind. The bad thing is: I don't feel guilty at all. I enjoy my time with both of them: very emotional and sweet with my boy and very rough, playful, lighthearted and sexy with my lover. I love my boyfriend and his being so nurturing and always there for me and I love the thrill, the sparkle I get with this other man. I love my bf, I enjoy having sex with my lover. And I have no guilt feeling towards my bf at all because I know I love him and the other guy is merely a physical distraction.Do you think I'm a bad person for not feeling guilty? Am I just separating love and sex? Or am I being plain slutty?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I think that if the tables were turned (him having the fun partner), you would have a different opinion.
Of course, carefree fun sex with a sexy partner is great! But you also have a different relationship with your boyfriend, and if he believes you're being exclusive with him, then you're lying and endangering the trust that is the foundation of a long term relationship. He deserves the truth, if you really love him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): Sorry but just stopping the affair doesn't cut it.
Cheating worked best for you until you discovered you had some guilt about it. Now you're talking about breaking off the cheating to quell the guilt, but you're still not going to do anything so consequence-loaded as coming clean. Your actions are still basically about getting what you want and not giving your BF the respect that he deserves.
The point is that your BF might not WANT to be with you if he knew the kind of person you are. (Yes you are that person. It's horseshit to claim you're not that person anymore when you just stopped. You cheated while you were with your BF so there is absolutely no way to say it's not his business.)
Your BF deserves to be with someone who does not need the "services" of someone else to meet all their desires. He deserves the chance to say "Fuck it, I have too much self-respect to stay with that cheater, I don't care if it's already over between them or not." if that is his choice. Until you give him that option that he rightfully deserves, you are still acting with your own interests far ahead of his.
And the truth is, you will never value your BF fully while he doesn't know either. It's impossible. You have pulled the wool over his eyes and now the situation is broken. Your BF might really be in danger of leaving you but only if he knew the truth. By not telling him you are artificially reducing his value in your own mind. You are preventing him from showing the kind of self-respect that he would probably show if he knew the truth. And you cannot value him as much as he deserves when you aren't feeling that self-respect from him.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I have a question for you... would you allow your boyfriend to have "an affair with a super seductive and sexy" woman who blows his mind?
I'm very interested to hear your response.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your feedback. I am sorry my previous post seemed flippant to some of you- I really didn't mean it to, I was merely expressing an opinion. Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what you told me and, well, I guess I felt that as long as my BF didn't know I wasn't really hurting him. I know it's childish and delirious but there it is. Kind of a don't ask don't tell thing. What you told me made me think of how my bf would feel if he knew and I'm sure he'd be devastated.
What I'm gonna do is:
- I'm not coming clean with my BF: I know I should but I really don't wanna lose him. It was my mistake and my mistake only.
- I'm gonna break up with the other man.
- I'm gonna count my blessings. I got a special guy who loves me and it's not so easy to find such a blessing these days
Thank you again. You've all been very helpful. Thank you!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): **I honestly don't see anything wrong in some safe no-strings-attached fun: it doesn't have to affect my relationship, it's in a completely different area.**
Fair enough tell, the boyfriend you love with all you heart and let him have a choice of how he feels about it.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (22 February 2011):
For a start, I find your position hard to believe given you are posting anonymously. You want us to believe you don't see what is wrong with this. Well. You have replies enough to understand this, even if you don't share the point of view, saying you don't see what's wrong is childish.
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male
reader, Captain Ziggy  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Poster says "Thank you for your replies. I see your point, but I honestly don't see anything wrong in some safe no-strings-attached fun: it doesn't have to affect my relationship, it's in a completely different area."
It doesnt matter what area its in. Youre going home to one guy while you're fucking another. And the guy you're going home to doesn't have a clue about it.
There is nothing wrong with a no strings attached relationship if no one is getting hurt. Tell your boyfriend! If you don't, then you're just being a selfish, totally inconsiderate slut. If you're boyfriend is willing to accept this other guy, then you can have the best of both worlds. BUT YOU HAVNT EVEN TOLD HIM! Grow a pair of balls and tell the guy whats on the go, stop being so self centered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. I see your point, but I honestly don't see anything wrong in some safe no-strings-attached fun: it doesn't have to affect my relationship, it's in a completely different area.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I think you are separating love and sex and you are doing quite well I think, but I'll leave the criticizing up to the other's, they're good at that when it comes to these sorts of subjects. To be honest, I would keep it quiet and be descrete about it all. What you are doing is probably ok for now but I would worry about the future. Where do you go from here? maybe you'll eventually fall in love with your sex partner? Maybe your boyfriend/husband will catch you in the act or find out through other means? Pretty risky if you ask me. If you are experienced in these sorts of situations then you can have everything under control for years. But if not then there could be loads of stressfull years ahead.
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male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (22 February 2011):
I think you are being selfish and incredibly unfair to your bf. I say this because he apparently is in the dark about what you are doing. He would probably have a completely different view about how all of this impacts him, including your suitability as a marriage partner. And, it's obviously bothering you on some level otherwise you wouldn't be asking us. That little voice inside of you is right. What you are doing is wrong on so many levels. You are confused about what love, commitment, and loyalty mean. Love doesn't mean being nice to your bf's face and then fucking someone else behind his back. That's not love. That's pathological behavior. You obviously don't love your bf enough to give him the unconditional love, commitment, and loyalty that most committed relationships and marriage compacts require. Clean up your act, or let your bf go. He deserves more than what you seem willing to give.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2011):
 How would you feel if it were your BF going behind your back and having an ongoing sex life with someone else while leading you on as being his true love? You wouldn't like it one bit, and you wouldn't buy his excuse that she (or they) had nothing to do with you.
Sorry, but you are a cheater, and your lack of remorse does make your actions appear "slutty" as you've put it. You're not separating love and sex. You're being selfish, untrustworthy, and you will end up with nobody if you keep this behavior up. You know that you will shatter your boyfriend if he ever found out.
The funny thing is - if this new guy knows that you're involved elsewhere, than he is just using you for sex and cares nothing about you except what you can do for him.
Keep this up, and you will be alone with no man who loves you and no "spark".
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): If you go to the local store and steal things, are you "just separating acquisition from purchasing"? Maybe you can rationalize what you're doing to yourself. But don't expect that logic to convince anyone else. If there's really nothing wrong with what you're doing then it wouldn't be a big deal to just tell your main BF about it. Let him make up his own mind about whether he wants to continue with you. And it would let him make up his own mind about what disease risk he wants to expose himself to.
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male
reader, Captain Ziggy +, writes (22 February 2011):
I would say that it depends. Does your boyfriend know about this? If he doesn't know, then perhaps you're not feeling guilty because you haven't actually broken his heart yet. My advice. Tell your boyfriend immediately. If you see him upset, then you should start feeling guilty, and if you still don't feel guilty then Its probably fair to say that you just don't care. Either way, you can try to make it sound poetic by saying you're "separating love and sex", but thats not whats going on. In reality, you're intentionally hunting someone you claim to "love", and you're being just plain slutty. If you really do have any feelings at all for your boyfriend, you will tell him about whats going on as soon as possible. Then you can decided between the BOTH of you whats best for the relationship.
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male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (22 February 2011):
Cheating on your boy friend is not separating love and sex. You are a bad person for cheating on him, not for the lack of guilt. Anyway, the lack of guilt tells me you will always be a cheater.
I mean, if you boyfriend finds out and leaves you. And then you go after him begging to come back and promising him that you won't do it again, you will be lying.
Of course, if your boyfriend knew all this and agreed with that. There will be no problem with your behaviour.
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