A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in major conflict here and feeling very guilty because I'm not sure what to do. I have an ailing mother that lives in another state. I have several siblings and relatives that are with her, and caring for her. However, I want to be with my mother the time that she might have left. Don't know if it will be years or months... My problem is that I have an 11 year old son, who is very close to his father. We are divorced. I can move with my son, but it is unfair to take my son away from his dad. Both for my son and his father. My son's father can also make the move, but it is a lot to ask of him. He has a good solid job, and with his field of work, it would be virtually impossible to find a comparable job in the town or surrounding areas where I'm originally from. See, the move would be from a major city to a rural area in a distant state. I don't know what our options are. I know the right thing is to move to be closer to my mom, and I want to be with my family, but I am completely changing the routine my son has grown used to, and potentially ruining the career and stability of my ex. We have done very well raising our son together for the past 11 years and we have been very consistent in his upbringing. Do I take that away from my son and my ex? And is it bad for my son to make a major change in his life to a completely different lifestyle that he is used to, and to family hardship where he would be in the midst of great difficulty with his ailing grandmother? What do I do. I feel selfish whatever decision I make....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): You've been given some great advice here.I wholly agree that the best way to look this may be to sit down and work out what is best for each individual potentially involved here and work from there.But I really wanted to second the excellent advice from the female anon below to TALK to your ex about this, as well as to your mum and to your son. Whether you go or stay, He's facing up-rooting his whole life to follow you. He's already ended a serious relationship at your word and for the sake of his son. That is a massive thing to do, and he deserves to be and feel a part of this decision. I'm not saying do as he says or visa-versa, I'm saying he should be listened to and consulted with before the final decision is made. He will find this significantly easier to deal with IF he is included in the decision making process and is respected through it- whatever the final outcome; whoever goes and whoever stays. Do the best you can to consult with all parties in the decision making process and you will actually make yourself feel better as well as them. Make this a mutual decision in weighing up the needs of all concerned. There is no absolute right answer, so even if the final answer is your choice; do not take on the burden of making the decision in isolation.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2013):
 my mom died in 1995 I was a single mom with two sons and a great ex husband.
He had custody of the kids. I lived a 2 hour plane ride away from mom during her terminal illness and I was luckily able to fly out every other weekend for 3 days to be with mom over a 10 month period.
In the end when the doctors said 6-10 weeks... I took a leave of absence from work left my boys with their very capable father and went to be with my mom for the duration. Sadly I had SIX DAYS left but I have NO regrets about how I handled it.
I needed to work to support myself. My boys had a great dad to take care of them while I focused on mom and dad and helping them. I was able to grieve in private (not in front of my young sons) and I had closure with my mom.
I'm just saying I've BTDT and I understand.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I think moving closer to your mom is what YOU need to do. Kids REALLY are fantastic about adapting to new things, people and places. I know because after 15 years as a military wife, our family have moved around quite a bit and my kids are doing great.
If the post linked below was your ex-husband's then I suggest you two TALK. Make it work. HE is willing to give up his job to BE the father for his son. That means even if you aren't together anymore your son still has a GREAT father.
Find a way to make it work.
Moving is always a little scary, but I think you will seriously regret not having spend the time with your mom if you don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): I disagree with the poster who says you shouldn't go to your mom. That's pretty heartless I think. Your mom raised you and took care of you and now she is dying. Visits are better than nothing but why not do more than that if you are able? Once your mom is gone, she's gone. But you will have decades left to spend time with your son.
I read your ex 's post too and his anguish. This is my opinion.
I suggest you move to be with your mom but leave your son here with your ex. So your ex will essentially have full custody and then you fly back occasionally to visit, or your son flies out to visit you.
This way only one person needs to uproot and start over, not three. To me this seems the least disruptive and emotionally tumultuous option. Your son will adapt. It will just be easier for him to adapt to seeing less of one parent, than seeing less of one parent AND losing his friends and familiar environment and starting over.
You will also be able to give all your attention to your mom and not have to worry if your son is OK. When you're stressed out being a caregiver to an ailing parent, you may be very emotionally drained and may not be able to give as much help to your son to help him adapt to a new environment anyway. So why not let him stay with your ex. And then your ex doesn't have to give up his career either amd still get to be near his son. They will both be happy to not have to uproot their lives, and you can still take care of your mom. Then in the future you may move back here if you want.
But please TALK to your ex now. There is a big disconnect between his post and yours. He seems to think he has no options. He has already ruined his relationship with his new girlfriend on the premise that he has no choice but to move away (not that I think he needed to put his new gf on hold but somehow that's what he did).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Your ex husband has also written here for advice. His post showed up next to yours.
I think you are both freaking out too much. Kids are resilient. They can adapt if you support them. I really don't think its bad to move out of state. If your ex wants to follow that's fine. If not that's fine too, your son will be fine either way.
I know many divorced couples with minor kids who live in different States. Usually the kids spend a few months with one parent then a few months with another, or primarily with one parent and then extended visits with the other.
Your ex is a mid-career professor. I am too so I know what a major decision this is for him. Academia is not an every day job. academics have to be very mobile for their career during the tenure chasing years. They have to move across the country or even to other countries back and forrh for grad school, postdoctoral work, increasingly for multiple postdoctoral stints if on the sciences, then for a tenure track job and maybe again if they didnt receive tenure at the first institution. If they fail to make tenure they lose their job and maybe their career. So if they get tenure it is really asking a lot for them to move again because there is literally one job per city and hundreds of applicants for each job opening. It will derail their career unless they are sufficiently established and famous in their field (if they are a big name in their field) that many academic institutions are lining up offering them posts as department chairs or vice chancellors. He has to be willing to give up academia and go into the private sector, or else go to a primarily teaching college and give up a career as a researcher, or else accept a position at a lower tier university.
FWIW I don't think it is disastrous if your ex doesnt follow you and your son. It isn't like they will never see each other again. They can skype often and your son can spend summer break and spring break etc with his father.
I have never heard of people moving and giving up careers to follow their ex -spouses. To me that seems unhealthy. It sounds like you haven't redefined boundaries as a divorced family. I don't think there's anything wrong with kids not seeing one parent for an extended period as long as there is still regular communication and contact through phone calls, email and so on. What about all those military families where one spouse is deployed overseas for years at a time while the kids and other spouse are back home? It isn't easy but is doable.
Usually its the adults who can't handle change, not the kids if they are given support and understanding.
You can also ask your son what he wants to do! Maybe he wants to stay here and live with his dad and not go with you to the other state!
I think you three should together see a family counselor. You are not the first divorced couple to face this situation.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I agree with SVC's suggestion. If you really feel you have to move to be with your mother, you go and let the child stay with his father.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 It appears you have an amicable divorce with your ex when it comes to your son’s well-being and up-bringing… So I wouldn’t like to disrupt this harmonious flow whilst your Mother is ailing as further pressure of adult decisions will only impose a conflict of emotions upon a child of divorced parents at this age?
Presently all things are stable, secure and protected in your son’s world; and while your adult world is calling you to be at your Mother’s side, your Mother is not without knowing your love and concern for her.
When my parent was bedridden I was naturally drawn to return to my kindred home, realising it was my time to capture the last few months we had left… Here I was like their child again, returning home wanting things to stand still and not change... When they passed and thinking of what you’re post is saying, it doesn’t make practical sense to uproot, when I had made a life for myself elsewhere.
Here my parent understood that and was assured that everyone was happy before they departed and left us to grieve their memory. I felt all they wanted to know was that we are ‘all’ happy and taken care of as anything else would have only distressed them before parting this world.
So for me; it was the right decision to visit and return to my home without uprooting my life etc.
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): OP before you talk to anyone else about this discuss it with your mother, then sit down with his father and discuss this, then sit down with your son and ask him what he'd like.
There is every possibility your mom would think it best if you continued to raise your son where you are but just visit more frequently the two of you and go stay there with her and him every time he has time off school.
There is also scope for you to go alone and place your son in his fathers care to remain there for school and stuff and you just both travel back and forth more often, skype every day, keep in constant contact and see each other for two weeks of each month or something.
Look without knowing any details of her ailments I can't comment on specifics, but I know my mother wouldn't want me to completely uproot my life and put it on hold for years just to be by her side when she has lots of other family there and is not alone.
In your situation my mother would actually hate to see me give up a good life to do that, she'd feel guilty constantly.
I talk to her almost every day as is, either text or on skype, and for dinner pretty much every weekend.
If I lived as far away as you, I'd visit for either a week every month, every 2nd weekend and I'd basically have her on skype every day to talk to her in the evenings. I know it's not the same as being there in person, but it really does bridge the gap.
You could do it the other way too, go alone there to live, leave your son with his father. Talk on Skype every day and, every single time your son has more than 3 days off school send him over to you.
You have lots and lost of options OP, I think you can go be with your mom without uprooting your son or cutting his contact with his father down too much.
I think you'll be able to find a good compromise to this. You could even work it that you go to your mom's for two weeks of every month, you know?
So talk to her, tell her what you plan, maybe she'd prefer you visited more rather than gave everything up for her, when she already has a house full of people.
The most important thing here OP is not the amount of time you spend with her with what she has left but the quality in my opinion and that you take some time to be with her and you get the chance to tell her how much she means to you, how thankful you are for the life she gave you and how much you love her etc.
You're not selfish in any way OP. There is a solution here that will work for all of you.
There is no reason any of you should be deprived of anything but yeah, some of those options are going to be more work, cost more and involve more travelling. but they may be worth it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 September 2013):
Well why can't you move to be with mom and have son stay with dad and visit you... then you have more time to devote to being with mom and son still gets a full time parent.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): Coincidentally, a father whose ex-wife is faced with an eerily similar dilemma posted a few days ago:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-crazy-to-give-up-everything-to.htmlHowever that father's question was if he was doing the right thing by giving up his life to be with his son and he did not raise any questions about his ex-wife's proposed move possible effects on his son as you have:"And is it bad for my son to make a major change in his life to a completely different lifestyle that he is used to, and to family hardship where he would be in the midst of great difficulty with his ailing grandmother?"I agree with k_c100, it may seem cold and harsh but as a mother your minor child's interests must come before yours or your mother's, and your son may very well come to resent you and/or blame his grandmother for causing such a disruption in his life. One possible option neither post addresses: Would it be possible for your son to remain behind with his father? That way you can be with your mother without tearing your son away from his father, friends, school and hometown, and your son can visit on long weekends and school vacations, maintaining a relationship with his ailing grandmother but not having her illness intrude on his life. Very unreasonable and unfair to expect an 11-year-old to be selfless and understanding.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): Is this your ex by any chance?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-crazy-to-give-up-everything-to.htmlIf so it seems he thinks this is already a done deal in your eyes, and will pack up and leave if you force him to make that choice - which is a hard one and is almost certainly not better for your son. Uprooting him from everything he knows so he can watch his grandmother die up close and personal seems a little harsh for a child so young.Nobody "wins" here but I'd vote you look into visiting your mother more frequently but not necessarily moving there. If your ex loves his son enough to leave everything, surely a few additional days or weeks at a time watching him while you spend time with your mother would not be too much of a hardship. For the sake of your ex and more importantly your son I think you need to be willing to compromise some here. Best wishes.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 This is a very tough one and I dont think there is a right or wrong answer here - no-one would blame you either way.
Have you spoken to your ex about it? That's all I can offer really, I think this warrants a conversation with your ex to air your feelings and see if you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Personally I'd be inclined to stay where you are, I completely understand wanting to be closer to your mother but (this is an awful thing to say) you have to put your son first above your mother. Again this is horrible to say but your son is your future, while your mother is not your past she has had the majority of her life now and hopefully enjoyed it, and is proud of her achievements. Being closer to your mum will make her happy and will make you feel better yes, but being away from his dad will be more detrimental to your son's future.
I dont think there is a solution here that you will be happy with - someone is going to suffer in one way or another and you will feel guilty regardless of what you do.
Does your mother have any friends or family local to her that help care for her? Can your ex start looking after your son a bit more frequently to free up more time for you to visit your mother?
If I were you I'd stay put, ensure good care is in place for your mother when you are not there and try and free up more time where possible to go back to visit her when you can. If that means your ex looking after your son more often for the next few months/year then its not a big imposition on him and I'm sure your son would enjoy some more time with dad.
I'm sure your mum would be happy with increased visits from you, that would go a long way to making this time more bearable for her.
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