A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts I would love as many unbiased views as possible please as Im am trying be remain fair but also not wear myself out completely.I am a single mother of 2 children 15 and 12 who up till now have seen their dad every other weekend, just 1 night ( Sat thru Sun). ( He left 7 years ago choosing to live 50 miles and 2 motorways away) In the beginning he did all the picking up and dropping off but more recently I have been doing more and more. He has a wife ( the one he left for) and 2 new children and has said following the birth of the newborn he expects me to do half the driving. I have offered to pick up OR drop off every other time he sees them.I am reluctant to go along with doing half as I have no live in partner so do everything, work full time and all running around with the kids the rest of the time. I also have a boyfriend who lives an hour away. I feel that he has made all the choices ie to move a long distance away and to add to his family so why should I take the strain of his choices. Id hate to see the children have reduced contact but feel I will be run ragged and resent this added pressure to my life.Am I reasonable to expect him to do the larger share of the driving as he moved away and its his responsibility to maintain contact? He is very busy with his job and travels a lot and is also under pressure, but his wife refuses to help out and sees it as my job.Id really appreciate some views- thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Thanks so much for all your answers they are a great help
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I agree with Q1605, I would not budge an inch. Your ex did not ask your involvement or cooperation when he decided to leave you, or to move 50 miles away from his kids, or to have two more children when he had already some trouble finding time for the previous two. These are all decisions he took freely and willingly and now he should take responsibility for his choices and the management of his daily life- without dragging you into something that's not your problem.
Wisely some readers remark that if you refuse to compromise that may result in the kids ending up with spending less time with their father. If that should happen...well they would not be missing that much would they ? What kind of a father is one who gives up his once every two weeks occasion to spend some time with his kids, just because the back-and- forth is a bit inconvenient or bothersome ??
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 September 2010):
If there is one thing that I truly hate, it's crap/lazy parenting. The way I see it, if you fail your kids, you've failed. So you have my 100% support because you are right. He should be getting his act in gear.
Sadly, the world doesn't work like that. Realistically, YouWish and AuntyEm have it right. You have a decision to make. Either you can do as YouWish says and suck it all in for the sake of your kids, or you can tell him he does his half or loses time with the kids. You and your kids may well lose, but if he's that crap maybe they're better without him.
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A
female
reader, dijoyful +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Hi, whats most important here is the children, i think the first thing you should do is prehaps have a gentle talk with them and see how they feel about visiting their father. I was in a similar situation, and as my children got older they no longer wished to spend as much time going to there fathers or where happy to visit less but stay longer when they did visit. I think you all need to sit down and re-think the situation as priorities have now changed, he has a new young family so is probably finding it hard juggling everyone. Saying that it is his responsibility to make sure he sees his children, he also has to make a resonable ammount of time and effort.Compromises are going to have to be made on both sides. I agree it is not fair that you should be the one to do all the running back and forth, so coming up with a new plan that everyone is happy with is the only way forward.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 September 2010):
 I fail to see why a newborn in the house means he can do less driving. More like, he has less time to spend with his older kids now he has another newly made family so he's putting the screws on you!!
You can either insist he keeps his half of the deal or risk having him spend less time with the older kids...There is no escaping it, he's being a selfish arse and the older kids shouldnt have to suffer now he has the younger ones.
You could lose out either way but you need to decide where your principle lies. Do you want to spend more time driving...or have less weekends to yourself!!
Shitty but true
You have my sympathy.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (2 September 2010):
What of course shes going to feel that way and make you look like the bad person! thats her job. i would lay the rules down and tell him if you want to see them you will pick them up and you will come and get them when the weekend is over. thats the way it should be done that way if you think about it it doesn't make you the bad person if he doesn't come and get them your children they will know that it is his job! sit down w/ your children and explain to them that this is the way it's going to be for several reasons you work a full time job! it is costly and being on your own you are on a budget and set the rules w/ them and your Ex- nip it in the bud. and as far as his new wife i would tell her to stay out of it you 2 are the parents and she has her their own to deal with that is none of your business.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2010):
 You are very reasonable to expect him to come get his kids. You have custody of them 24/7 and do a lot for them, and he's forgetting that they're his kids. He made the choice to move away from you, not the other way around.
However, if he won't, you must think of the kids first. I know you resent it, and I know it puts you off, but take your ex out of the equation and think of the kids. It will make it bearable for you.
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