A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am worried (I guess that is the best word) that my ex-wife is shirking some of her responsibilities as primary custodian of my son. She is a great Mom, but I have been asked a few times lately to take my son and keep him out to a specific time. After a few clues, I realized it was because she had dates at her condo. OK, no big deal...I have no problem with her having a love life. But I feel it is wrong for her to tell me to keep him out because she has a date...especially since my son is 15, has a key, and has a right to go home if he wants to. I've politely asked her to not put me on the spot like that. She of course, turns it around to make me feel guilty that I am trying to get rid of my son by bringing him home...but if I've been with him a whole weekend and he is tired and wants to go home, I have had no problem dropping him off early, and up till now, neither has my ex.Am I nuts, or is it wrong for her to make me a babysitter so she can get laid in her own bed? Now, every time she says she has "plans", I have to wonder if it is a legitimate reason she is asking me to take him (I'm talking time outside my agreed upon weekends), or just a weekend getaway with some Fabio. Are the increased "business trips" lately really business trips or vacations? Mind you, I love seeing my son as much as possible. But when I KNOW she's aasking me favors so she can get laid...that just seems a bit effed up. Am I right or wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): How is equal access/parent time babysitting? He's your son and time with him is time with him. In the year 2012-how many men, Dads would give their left arm for as much time to equal shared parenting time with their son?I'm at a loss to see your complaint.I was raised in foster care so I can empathize more with son than you. I would want as much time as I can with dad being he's not the one I reside with so I would miss him more.I'm a parent of teens myself. That in itself, being a parent of teens- how are you not celebrating time with son? I understand that you may be jealous and feel slighted but she's an Ex and has a right to her Life separate of you. She has moved on and you should as well.Your home should be just as much as his home. He should feel just as comfortable to hang at your place, stay the night, even ask for when he wants to spend more time with you. In Canada, age 15 years is legal enough for son to have his say as to what parent he wants to reside with, regardless of access/parental order.I hope you aren't creating anger and feelings of resentment for son towards Mom by sharing your views/opinions about her out loud with him around. Because that is extremely unfair to son. He has a right to Love his Mother without your prejudice.I think its kind of Mom and wise to an extent, that she still wants to sheild son from her dating life. In Canada, the other parent has the right to be approached to spend time or as you term it, babysit son over her going to others. So again, she's in keeping with court standards in regards to that issue.And really, you would protest if Mom started coming home late from her Date/BFs and son was left alone. So don't start the garbage. This has fault finding mission all over it. Said with as much bluntness a guy can take about such things. ;)Maybe re-address access/custody times. On school nights, son should be home by 9PM-10PM to prepare for school. Otherwise he stays over at your place and goes to school from there.You want to become effective in problem solving and work with what you have and not become victim and bitch and create more stress and drama by dropping son off earlier and earlier because Mom asked you to keep him longer and you don't like that because its Effed she can do what she wants under her own roof and just wants Son to not be upset or hurt by her private/date life. Step back and be fair. Put son first. Regardless if you feel or believe, or perceive Mom isnt. You are accountable and responsible for your thoughts and actions.Also, weekends, agree to pick up times and drop off times and BOTH Of you work to keep them. If its still an issue, take it to mediation to keep costs low or to the courts.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 I want to add something to this post as there seem to be answers from the mother and fathers side, but no question about the child.
I have been in this 15 year olds situation. And I can tell you, it isn't fun. My parents divorced and a few years later, my mum got a lover. (I wont call him a boyfriend because he was only using her).
Anyway, she would ask me to go out and not come back until a certain time, so she could 'entertain' this man. I knew exactly what she was doing but I had no choice. If I refused we had a row.
This boy is probably fully aware what his mother is getting up to and it isnt fair on him.
When you have been away from home all weekend, you are tired, you have things to sort out for school, work to finish, clothes to sort out, everything normal people need to do before a day at work or school, this is pretty selfish of the mother. He is 15. He is old enough to understand and accept his mother is having sex. BUT she is is mother and that is his home as much as hers and she should not kick him out just so she can have some 'private time'.
If she wants that, then she could easily go to her boyfriends house.... unless he is also married and his wife doesnt know.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 January 2012):
 How often do you babysit this 15year old child?
How many hours a week does your wife look after your son?
How many hours a week do you look after your son?
How often do you have sex per week/per month?
Do you get to date, have you had a girlfriend since your divorce?
Are you comfortable if your wife invites around men friends with your son in the house when she's horny and needing sex?
Can you 15year old child be left in the house alone while she and a guy find somewhere else to have sex?
Age of consent in the UK is 16... he seems awfully old to still need a baby sitter. Probably best if your fed up to tell you wife to go to the man's house and leave your son at home alone.
I don't think divorced woman meant becoming a sainted nun until grown teenage children left home. I will have to assume if you don't update that your living without sex like a monk and equally share the time, costs and inconvience of childcare with your ex-wife.
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reader, Curiouser +, writes (2 January 2012):
Hey, I feel I have to just chip in and support the OP here...
If you WERE a babysitter, then she would NOT be texting you to keep him till later because she was in bed with her husband, it would just be completely inappropriate! The fact that you're her ex doesn't make it any better that she does- if anything it makes it worse. It's either unnecessary of it's cruel.
If this were about your keeping him for longer, she could easily negotiate that with far more preplanning, and DEFINITELY without having to discuss her private life!
you're absolutely right, OP, when you say that your time spent with your son should be about your son (and not about her private life!) You're not there to use your house as a 'base' when she is embarrassed to have someone there in the house. That is something she either has to deal with her son with HERSELF (you should not be the one making awkward excuses to 'cover this up' for her.) OR sutbley keep this away from him by preplanning time for them to be together- whether at home or at his house etc. But YOU should not have to think about it.
I think you need to find time to discuss this with her VERY calmly. It'd be easy for her to react by trying to give you guilt about spending time with your son, when this is NOT about that. Maybe you could bring it up in the same conversation as asking if it's okay for you to take him to such and such a place so as to avoid any issue of that.
If I was you, I'd have no quarms about telling her that it's icky for you to have to think about this- and that it should be HER explaining to her son why he should have to be away from home till 10pm on a sunday when his dad is in bed by 9.30pm- he know's it's nothing to do with you. Why should he suffer for her personal life?
Also, be sure to stress about preplanning times. Unless something genuine comes up- car won't start/ stuck in traffic/ emergency etc, she should have enough respect to stick to arrangements, just as you would with anyone. Other people have stuff to do as well as her!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Ya know the KID is FIFTEEN.. I was babysitting other peoples children at that age... he does not NEED a babysitter...she is trying to shield him from another adult in his life that may be leaving... UNTIL she knows that this man is a permanent part of her life she is being prudent.Personally you option is to have your son exposed to her having an "affair" with this man and having him develop a close fatherly bond with your child...you choose.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 And ..why asking " why " : Like, if she needs extra time to finish reading " War and Peace " then it's ok, but if she needs extra time because she is having "fun" , then is not ?I don't think it's your concern anymore what she does in her free time with whom, you should not even ask. It is your concern, I agree, if the agreement was different and she asks OFTEN to change it ( once in a blue moon, come on, a little flexibility !). You can remind her civilly," we agreed our son is going to stay with me only until X time, after which I either go to bed or have plans of my own, so please don't make this a habit,, I would have to say no " .Just so she does not take your kindness and availability for granted, this is the only genuine concern. The rest , it's clearly excuses you are making up to yourself so that you can turn your own problem ( you are jealous, or envious of her sex life )into everybody's problem. You don't like babysitting ? ...But you are not babysitting, you are spending time with your son who does not live with you anymore, I know fathers who'd jump for joy at been given extra time with their kids without having to insist or beg !! The " child " is tired and wants to go home... ? He's 15, not 4 ! One extra hour won't kill him, and he's old enough to know that not everything can always revolve around his wants , needs and likes, if OCCASIONALLY he has to go home later " because his mother says so " is a perfectly good reason. No need for graphic detailed explanations, of course, and then again , probably he's old enough to accept and understand that some times adults need a bit of " me time "
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Okay I understand what the issue is a bit better now. She's asking for a favour but she's taking the piss a bit.
Just have a chat with her and tell her that you don't mind looking after him but that you want her to respect the times that you and she set, you have your own plans and your own life and just respect that, please. Don't mention anything about sex or getting laid, that's all in your head and is only an issue to you which if I'm honest it's something you don't mind but don't want to be thinking it's happening right now. I understand that ignorance is bliss. But that part of it is not something you can complain about or control so it's not worth bringing up with her.
Just ask her to respect the times she has laid down. She's a grown woman it shouldn't be too hard to do that, you'd expect that kind of thing from a college room mate but she's an adult and has to respect you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): If she were really taking advantage or neglecting her child then it would be wrong but from what you have said it doesn't sound like that to me, it sounds more like you're annoyed that she is having sex. She has a right to have a private life as well as time alone to herself. You're a parent not a babysitter, you should be happy to spend more time with your child. You and your son will need to realize that she needs time to herself after many years of devoting herself mainly to him.
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reader, natasia +, writes (1 January 2012):
 I don't think it is wrong for you to be with your son so that she can have some private time to herself, but I do also have a 15 year old son, and I know that he pretty much likes to be at home in his room, and that his visits to his dad have reduced substantially over time, simply because he likes to be at home. So, eg, he will happily go play squash with his dad each day, but he doesn't like the idea of going to stay over because it kind of interrupts his routine and life and being at home.
SO, while I think it is fine that you should share some of the caring responsibility, and that she should have some time to do her own thing (whatever that may be), what I think isn't really fair is her effectively banning your son from his home while she has some bloke round. That isn't ok. I think this is really what you are feeling as well, and I am sure you son feels it.
It is artificial and weird for someone to say 'ok, you're tired, you've been away from home all weekend, but no, you can't come home yet' - you are right. And you say that before it was always ok for him to come home when he felt like it, and now increasingly it isn't. Well, that is not fair on your son.
I think you need to talk to her about it from this angle, because to be honest, both her and your needs are still subordinate to your son's needs at the moment. OK, he's growing up, but he is still at school and needs almost more than ever now his security and a reasonable home life, as he has exams, etc, and he also is going through the challenges of teenage years.
I really think she is being a bit selfish/unthinking - not towards you, but towards your (joint) son. I think it could almost be a discussion with your son there as well, saying how he feels.
And how she then sorts herself out - well, that is her problem, to be honest. If she is away, then if your son is going home early Sunday afternoon, I guess he is just alone until she comes (or you stay there with him). And if she has a guest, then either he meets the guest, or the guest has to go.
It is your son's home - he absolutely should never feel he can't go home if he wants to. She needs to understand that.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 I see two things here: one is about ex-husband and ex-wife, and the other is about the son.
Taking care of a son takes time away from other things. If both parties agreed that the mother would be the primary caretaker, then essentially they agreed -she agreed- that her time would be more "constrained" than his by the fact that she would take primary care of him. If the child lives with one parent, it is just unrealistic to expect that time and duties will be shared in equal halves. The parent who has the child at home will have to do more.
In this sense, the father having to take the son out "up to a given time" is seen as trying to get away from the previous agreement. As in "Hey, you're making me carry this burden longer than we agreed I would".
It certainly seems bad of the ex-wife to keep the son away because she wants to have sex and son "is in the way".
I said I saw two things, and now I will speak about the second. It also seems bad of the husband to refuse to have the son when he knows that the son is being treated as an inconvenience.
I think ex-husband has to take son with him, and period. Mother should also take the heat for her treating son like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): You're all right. I said I have no problem whatsoever in her having a fulfilling life, including sex. I wasn't able to give her waht she needed, so in my mind, it's a win-win for everyone if she's happier. That's not the point. The point is when she makes it obvious that she needs more time to "finish up" before I bring him home at a pre-agreed upon time. I literally got a text and then a phone call from her my last weekend with my son, asking me to not bring him home till 10PM. Mind you, I work early and usually get to bed by 9:30, not to mention I had plans of my own. When I questioned why, it soon became obvious why. THen about 9PM I got a text "Coast is clear now, you can bring him over anytime". I mean, come on. I don't rub my personal life in her face. I don't want to know precisely when she's washed the sex out of her hair. That's just not cool.Yes, exactly...I'm NOT supposed to be a babysitter. My time with my son is supposed ot be about my son...not about her social arrangements. Again, I think many of you are missing the point...I have no problem with her having fun. Just not on my time and making it obvious. I mean, imagine me having to explain to my son why he can't go home even tho he has a key and has been letting himself in for a while now. He looked at me like "WTF". It's wrong if you ask me. There are pre-arranged rules and expectations in this situation...both emotional and legal. She is pushing them around. I have never done that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Personally I think after 15 years of being a good mum (if that's what she has been) she deserves a bit of time to be able to build relationships doesn't she?
He's 15 OP, it's not like she's forgetting to feed him or change his nappy, nor she's kicking him out, she just wants a bit of alone time to build a new relationship. So what if he doesn't get to play with his xbox for one night and he spends an extra evening with you? You talk about fairness OP, yet you have more time than her to do this kind of thing, you're a bachelor 5 days a week. She's been primary custodian for how long?
Look in a perfect world she'd wait until he's 18 and is gone to college or moved out. Just be glad she at least has the decency to build up this relationship outside of the view of your son. How would you feel if it was this guy sleeping with her and your son was in the next room?
Your feelings are understandable and I'm not saying they're wrong but he's 15 now OP, he's not a child, he's not missing his mommy and if she wants a bit more freedom to pursue greater fulfilment in her life, she can only really do that because she has an ex-husband who not only loves and cares for their son, but is not going to refuse spending more time with him because he loves that time with him.
I think you have more to gain by letting your son have a mom who is happy, satisfied and feels a sense of freedom rather than one that feels tied down for the next few years and possibly lose out on a guy that might be really good for her.
You see you're doing the favour here not just for her but for your son and for you, there is nothing greater in this world for any boy than to have a loving, doting mother who is also happy and feels fulfilled. She's not neglecting her duties, he's 15, he too will be dating soon if he's not already doing so, and he too will be looking for ways to get some alone time with the girls he dates. It's what we all do isn't it? Frankly OP it's also a bit of a necessity isn't it? She is very lucky to have someone in her life like you, that enables her to have this kind of freedom. The only thing I say is if this is a favour to her, then as long as you feel this kind of thing works both ways and she's not just taking advantage of you I see no reason for this to be a problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Excuse me, you're not a babysitter you are the FATHER.
it's appalling that you demand to be given a 'legitimate reason' to do your parental duties, let alone that this reason has anything to do with your EX wife's romantic life. how is that any of your business?
Yes, when she says she "has plans" it may likely involve dating. yes it may lead to sex. Yes in her own bed. SO WHAT? Get over it. Did you take a vow of celibacy? No? So why do you expect her to? Or would you prefer her to be having sex when your kid is home in the room next door so you don't have to watch him "overtime"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I think you're wrong and it's that you just don't like the idea that you're "helping" your ex to move on.
what if she had asked you to keep your son for longer because she has started a regular bridge club at her house? Or because she was going to night school? Or because she wanted quiet time to do some knitting by herself?? would you have a problem with those reasons? somehow I doubt it.
"But I feel it is wrong for her to tell me to keep him out because she has a date.."
What makes this reason any worse than other reasons? She has primary custody of your son, so she spends more time raising him than you do. Surely she has the right to do her own thing on the weekends? would you prefer it if she hired a babysitter to stay home with your son while she went to her bf's house?
The focus of your complaint is not so much on the fact that you have to keep your son for longer than your scheduled time, but the REASON for it. It's not like she's asking you to keep your son longer so she can go engage in criminal activity like robbing a bank.
The reason is her personal reason, and it's none of your business. Being a good mom doesnt' mean she's not allowed to date again or have sex with other men. And if she isn't rubbing it in your face that she's dating again, and you're just putting two and two together, it's none of your business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I think you are being a little harsh on your ex wife. You say she is a good mother and she is looking after your son full time, while you only see him on agreed weekends. You seem bitter that she is dating and resent being a `babysitter` to your child, where a good father would be happy for a few extra hours with him. You have your free time all week and probably any weekends you want. So it is only fair that your ex has some time for herself now and then. That doesnt necessarily mean she is `getting laid`. And even if she is, that is her business. I can understand her wanting to carve a little time for herself but she is also protecting your son. If she give him $20 and sent him out for the evening to get him out of the way. Paid strangers to babysit him or let him meet the man/men she is dating, i would call that irresponsible. But she is protecting him by asking his father to watch him for a while longer now and then. I`m sure once she has settled for a guy and approves of him, she will want your son to meet him and then the requests to you will stop. So i would just enjoy the extra time you get for now because it probably wont last for long anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): It might help if you try to separate the two issues here - one is the issue of your time, and being asked to give more of it in order to help your wife. The second issue is what she then does in that time.
Although you say that you don't have a problem with her dating, sorry but your post does not quite read in that way...it seems that you still have some feelings in that regard and that these emotions are what is blurring the two issues together, so that you can't see "straight".
Of course, the simple answer is that you just say "no, I can't give you any more time than what has been agreed". What she does in that agreed time is then up to her. But it could be the case that being strict like this simply allows you to avoid confronting the emotions that you are experiencing in regard to your ex's sexual behaviour.
If she was asking you to help more with your son so that she could go and do charity work to a devoted cause I doubt that you would feel quite the same...you might get annoyed from time to time, but it would probably not anger you in the same way.
I separated from my ex husband when I was 25, by which time we already had a 5 year old daughter. Up to then I had pretty much had no life whatsoever - we married when I was 18 and he was ten years older than me, but had already been to university. My home life had been terrible and with him I truly believed that I had found my soul mate and absolutely loved him when we married. I was aware that he had never had a job, but I did not care because I loved being able to talk with him and for the 'quiet and peaceful' times that we could spend together after my chaotic upbringing. To cut a long story short, life became about endurance - he drank every evening and smoked and life on the dole was awful. I did get jobs and began to work my way through college whilst working and bringing up my daughter, but I was basically supporting him. Finally when I did leave him it was a year later before I met someone else at university. My ex husband lived, literally, two minutes away from my daughter's school, but he refused to pick her up so I had to get a childminder every time that I had late afternoon classes at uni. I had no friends and when I met this new man I could not believe how lucky I was because, at age 25, I honestly believed I would never meet anyone again. On the very few occasions when I asked my ex husband to look after our daughter for the weekend - even giving him money so that he could take her out and so on - after a couple of times he said that he did not think that it was right that he should be left looking after our daughter whilst I "went of and had sex". In that moment, when he said that, I finally fully realised that I had been with a man who was so utterly self-centred that he literally could not see how awful it was to a. reduce down my new relationship to a matter of 'sex' and b. that he showed resentment about looking after our daughter despite the fact that he literally was doing nothing else with his life, whereas I was studying so hard to try to change things for her.
No doubt your ex's life and your own is very different, but my point really relates to a. when I am saying that it was loathsome of him to reduce a relationship down to sex (I actually fell deeply in love and stayed with that person for 18 years, during which time my ex never lifted a finger to help practically or financially) - you really do degrade yourself when you make a similar reduction.
I'd suggest you think through your emotions in regard to your ex and see if these really are clouding your attitude - it does seem so. Then, I would make a decision about whether you can or cannot give more of your time REGARDLESS of what she is doing in that time - just think purely in terms of whether you have time or not. Another thing is that you yourself may be feeling somewhat envious of the fact that your ex seems to be moving on and having 'fun', whereas you may not be - certainly this is what seems to have been my own ex -husband's attitude and it was incredibly immature. You could ask your wife to support you in making the changes that you yourself need to make in order to move on - time may come when you need to ask her for help with your son, moreso than now. And please, please, do not allow your son to become resentful of his Mum just because you are starting to be - he will sense it and it won't help anyone - he needs to know that Mum and Dad both need time alone sometimes until things settle down to a new pattern. Hope this helps.
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reader, feralfox +, writes (1 January 2012):
So, I'm not accusing you of being an absent father or anything like that, but this woman is taking on the majority of the responsibility in raising your son. If she is the primary caregiver as you say. It's hard raising a kid when you are divorced and single... what else is she supposed to do? You are not the primary caregiveer and probably have a lot of time to date and bring home woman you are romantically interested in. She wants the same, but doesn't want to make her son uncomfortable or expose him to her romantic life which might upset him. How often does she ask you to take him for the night? Once or twice a week? Does she give you notice ahead of time? Obviously if she just drops him at your door, and does this four evenings out of the week then she is using you and crossing a line. But is it really so much trouble, spending time with your son once or twice a week? If you feel like she is being unfair or taking advantage of you, maybe you could draw some lines, like asking her to let you know a day or two in advance or perhaps limiting it to once a week or less. Also, I know this wasn't part of your question but the way you worded the last part of that paragraph makes it sound like you're jealous or that you think she should be single because she is a mom... I don't think it's "effed" up that she wants be intimate with a man she is seeing. She is an adult woman, and she deserves the right to pursue a relationship and move on from your divorce... being intimate with a man is part of this... it sounds like she is being sensitive towards your son and she probably figures you want to spend time with him anyways. This is just an assumption on my part of course, but really I think she is just trying to make the transition into a relationship with another man easier on your son. Why don't you just talk to her about this? Set up some guidelines about when your son can come over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I feel sorry for your son, your Ex is making him seem like a nuisance a cuckoo in her nest. Its his home too and as you say he wants to go home to relax be in his room with his stuff after a weekend with you.. I understand she will want SOME space but she has time when he is with you.She should get her priorities and her social life in order.
One solution is to have him live with you and go to his Mum every 2nd weekend.
The problem needs to be sorted before your son just feels like he's in everyones way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I don't think that anyone on here can tell you if you are right or wrong to feel the way that you do.On the one hand you are getting to spend more time with your son, on the other you're being used by your ex.In your position, I would let her know that I'm happy to have my son over for longer than normal but that I'd want some warning. I'd also point out that it can't be every week. I also understand that at your son'e age he's going to be able to work out what's going on as well, and he's not going to feel great about being passed around like this.My ex used to use her husband as an unpaid babysitter. She'd call him in the morning and ask him to keep the kids that evening, due to work etc. In reality she was seeing a couple of different blokes at the same time. I always thought her ex was a decent man and hated the way she used him, but that's just my opinion. At the very least talk to your ex and let her know how you feel and how this may be affecting your son.
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