A
female
age
51-59,
*race89
writes:i have been married to a good man for 14 years. I am not a high maintenance person and have tried to keep my appearance up through the years but between depression, meds and kids and some medical problems i have not been doing all that well. My husband doesn't say i look bad and he isn't critical on how i look but i can't help but wonder if he is embarrassed by me since i am bigger, my teeth have gotten bad enough to the point i need dentures this summer,i don't really shop for myself or dress real nice, i am bad at budgeting money and not real domestic when it comes to the house. I admit i have let myself go and i don't mean to but between money, stress, depression and what ever else i think i get overwhelmed and give up to a point cause i already feel ugly and like a failure. when i ask him if he is embarrassed about my teeth or looks or house he said i need to do what i need to do and he says he deals with it or ignores it. he said he needs me to be more responsible.I never really meet any of his workers, he doesn't really take pics of me and he doesn't have any on his fb wall and when he dose go out it is sometimes with another girl from the fire house where he works and he says it is guy time and he doesn't want me with or we don't go to work functions. Is he embarrassed by me? when he says he want's me to be more responsible dose that mean in everything?what do i do so he isn't so embarrassed. what dose this all mean and what do i do besides some of the obvious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Unfortunately I think that your husband may have lost interest in you but is trying not to hurt your feelings so he avoids talking about it even though his behavior shows he's not interested in you. when you ask him if he's embarrassed by your looks or the house and he says he "deals with it or ignores it" that pretty much says to me that yes he is embarrassed by it. (if he truly wasn't, he'd have no problem saying "No I'm not embarrassed at all".) But at the same time he's choosing not to make you even more uncomfortable or distressed with the truth, so that's why he "deals with it" or ignores it. Well that's certainly better than him being overly critical and complaining and making you feel even worse. But at the same time, I think you should take his answer (that he 'deals with it or ignores it') as something that you should try to change so that he doesn't have to 'deal with or ignore it' anymore. You want him to feel truly good about you again not just mask or hide his disappointment.It can be very difficult living with depression, so I hope that you are working on that with a good therapist and if necessary taking medication. But depression doesn't affect only you (the person who has the depression). It also affects your spouse too. Depression affects relationships not just individuals. Because if you're out-of-sorts, not putting in your fair share of upholding responsibilities, letting yourself go...this DOES disappoint your spouse, even though you are doing the best you can to get through each day, and can barely keep up, still there is a certain level at which your partner can't help but feel disappointed and let down no matter how sympathetic he is to your illness. But, because he is at heart a good man and wants to honor the commitment he made when he married you, he's not going anywhere. If this state of things continues or gets worse, then this is when you find yourself in a 'dead' marriage - a marriage where your partner is uninterested in you, but still physically there nevertheless. He may not hold it against you personally because he knows you're doing the best you can. But he could still be disappointed nonetheless because he's unable to connect with you or rely on you the way he wants to be able to connect and rely on his life partner.I think that right now you should focus on healing from your depression. If you aren't already, get yourself into therapy. If you're already in therapy, is it helping and if not don't be afraid to find a different therapist. Don't do this for your husband only, do it for yourself first and foremost. Let your husband think whatever he will of you, for now. Right now you've got deeper problems which is how YOU think of YOURSELF and what's holding you back from feeling OK with yourself. It could also be that your husband is fine and content with you exactly as you are now, but you perceive that he isn't, because of your low self esteem. When your husband says he needs you to be 'more responsible.' Only he can tell you what he means by that. But if you know you're bad with money, then that would be a place to start for sure. Otherwise, why not just ask him what specifically he would like you to improve on. Tell him that you're making a list of New Years resolutions so you welcome his input on what you can improve.you could also ask your husband if he will go to couples counseling with you. Tell him that you feel that he is embarrassed by you (even though he may be too uncomfortable to say so because it is hurtful) and you would like to change yourself to improve some things about yourself and you'd like his help or input. but most of all, make the effort to change for YOURSELF, not for him. good luck!
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