A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help deciding whether my anger at my boyfriend is justified. I live in Florida. He lives in Texas. I go visit him about once a month. In November he and I agreed that next weekend, Feb. 11 and 12, I would visit. I bought the plane tickets. $400 for whatever reason. We have a very open and communicative relationship. I have told him the fact that I basically live to see him. My job is rewarding in the long term but on a daily basis VERY VERY STRESSFULL. I'm a reporter, and I'm surrounded by editors who hate everything ever in the world including me and sources who hate every journalist ever in the world including me, and I spend every day trying to prove my worth to the powers that be. I look forward to seeing him, my boyfriend. It keeps me afloat. He knows that. My boyfriend is in college. He's in a fraternity. Next weekend he has a mandatory fraternity event on Friday. It has to do with frat history and relationships and brotherly ties and whatever else. I believe him when he says that it's about those things and not about getting drunk and watching sports or whatever. I am a-okay with him going even though it's the weekend I'm there because he told me in November he had it and I want him to do the things he wants to do and have a well balanced life and be happy. But then his fraternity today, four days before I leave to see him, scheduled an event that would take up all of saturday. I'm there on Friday and Saturday, but that's it. This would mean we have no evenings together, just two mornings and noonish times. I'm sad and angry that he isn't bowing out of the fraternity event on Saturday. It's another important "brotherhood" type thing, rescheduled from earlier in the year when it was cancelled because of weather. It's important to him. But that time together with him is important to me. And it's a prior commitment of his. I paid $400 for him that weekend. And he said we would spend it together. It's all I get this month. And without Saturday night, I'll see him a total of 15 hours--less than I'll spend traveling to and from Texas. Ha... Anyway, is my sadness and anger just silly demanding neediness? Or am I right--should he tell his frat, sorry, I have a prior commitment? Caveat: Don't tell me "Talk to him." I did. He says I'm right and he'll "try" to cancel. I am trying to decide whether I really am right. Another caveat: Don't tell me that the problem is that we live in different states. I already know that this is a problem. :p
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 February 2011):
 i loved Wheeler's response and sense of himor so much that i'm going to follow Wheeler and give wheeler's answer 5 stars!
Ps: i always like to think the best of people but don't mind a wake-up call if required
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): The obvious thing to do is to reschedule the trip.
LTRs are difficult if you don't move in circles where they are the norm. In those circles, a visiting partner is always welcomed into the community's activities and it's understood as a fair reason for bowing out of scheduled occasions. So I can understand some anger at the fraternity, and at your bf for lacking the skills or motivation to negotiate something which would work for you whilst still meeting his frat obligations (which frankly, seem arbitrary and juvenile to me).
You obviously need to talk to your bf about sharing the travel load (timewise if not financially). If he did half the trips then you'd be travelling one weekend in eight, not one in four.
And since you won't be together for Valentines Day (which I assume means a lot to you given your plans) you need to put the word on the bf that you expect something extraordinarily thoughtful to happen for you on that day. And that doesn't mean flowers -- they're so passe they are even in movies your mother watches.
The secret to a LTR is simple. It's to create an enjoyable life without your partner, and then have the joy of sharing the stories of that life with the person you love.
The other secret is that nothing gets solved by e-mail, phone or (god forbid) text. They just don't work for solving personal problems, they just make them worse. So you wait until you are with your bf to have the session where you sort out how being stuffed about by the fraternity made you feel, how him choosing the frat over you made you feel, how he needs to step up and do his share of the travel, how you need to not be time-crunched (otherwise you'd just have taken some days off and travelled up to him before the frat gig), etc. And that face-to-face discussion isn't a series of accusations -- it's "we have these problems, and we have a limited amount of time, so let's skip the amateur dramatics and work out how were going to solve them together".
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Geezus...well I wrote a book and accidently deleted it when switching pages to determine how many beers are in a keg. Long story, no pun intended.
What I wrote, which I will now synopsize, is that telling this young lady to cancel and reschedule because of a frat party that will be "building lifetime networks and fraternity ties" is hilarious!
Seriously, the greek system has been badly losing membership for decades. And the partying, STD's, dropouts, alcoholics, poor grades, and plethora of other bad results have kinda outweighed the social and professional use of fraternity ties these days. Some may hate me for saying it, but I stand by it.
Brotherhood is usually a weekend-long party that is the consummation of Rush Week, and the initiation of the new recruits into the fraternity. It usually involves heavy drinking, games with a very homosexual overtone, and almost certainly is guys only.
When I went there were five kegs that had to be downed (or, "floated") before the weekend was over or we would get punished somehow. Like I said...gay.
Myself and three others quit on the second night of this wonderful event. It was just too ridiculous and pointless. But I will leave that story for another day.
What I DO think is very important to remember here though, is that Brotherhood is one of the most, if not the most, important events any Fraternity would have. It would have been scheduled months in advance.
Something is odd about this sequence of events. Either he knew long ago and didn't tell you, or you two have not been communicating, or you have allowed him to be ambiguous and went ahead with your plans.
Whatever it is, there is just now way that any fraternity would have some random Brotherhood weekend. I could be wrong, but that is my opinion.
And you are gonna have to decide whether fraternity or relationship comes first. That is one of the first things that must be decided in a relationship that has only one person in the greek system.
(And by the way, there are around 7 cases of beer in a keg. Or, 155 beers. That would mean we had to drink over 750 beers over the two-day event. Around 50 people. And what is funny is that frat members reading this right now are thinking to themselves, "hmm..that really isn't too much." I don't really hate fraternities, just having some fun with them.)
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A
female
reader, amandab  +, writes (7 February 2011):
it doesnt look good,
1,the only person you can rely on is yourself
2,only you can bring you happiness
abella is right change your weekend, or let him come to you!
tisha is right emotional blackmail...your happiness is your own.
and ask yourself is this job worth the way you feel, sounds negative to me.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 February 2011):
I don't necessarilly think that you're "needy" for feeling this way or that you're wrong, I think anyone would feel the way that you're feeling--maybe along the lines of disappointment? However, the fraternity thing is kind of an obligation that he has to do. It sucks that it's all going on when you were planning to see him, but being upset with him about it would be similar to him being upset about you having to do something for your job.
I assume you were planning on seeing him that weekend because of Valentine's Day? I think if you go you'll be bored and upset. Visit him the following weekend or have him make it up to you and see you, that way you can spend the time together that you want and not feel that it's a waste of your time and money.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 February 2011):
cancel your flight and schedule it for another time. His fraternity events are building lifetime networks and fraternity ties.
Go somewhere else this weekend and do something interesting things without him. Between Florida and Texas are lots of great places to visit.
Journalism is a great career but all consuming. And suits hard noses people with a cynical bent who live and breathe journalism and news 24/7
If that's not you then think about diversifying into research, or public relations or marketing. Or something else that lights your fire.
And when you can, go visit some interesting places in Florida.
Or learn another language.
Join a volunteer group and ask them, once you know them, if you can research and write an articule on the volunteer group.
Get out and live your life.
And inject some work v life balance.
Then later, when your guy is free, then you can schedule a visit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I would cancel your flight, and stop flying to see him every month. Make him work for it, make him visit you. My boyfriend lives in Florida and I live in Colorado, and he just visited me this week, but I told him I had a very busy week with school and work and a test yesterday. I stayed true to all of my prior commitments, and let him know that I'd be busy this week and he wouldn't see much of me. That was his own risk. He also expected me to see him when he arrived at 3am because his flight was delayed. I said no. Bottom line, make him work for it a little, and stop putting in all the effort. Then, believe me, he will be the one flying to see you every month. If you are with the right guy, you won't have to make that much of an effort, actually you won't have to try at all. If he really likes you he will do more than he is doing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 February 2011):
 You're 22-25 and are dating a guy in a fraternity in Florida? Wouldn't it be a better idea to date guys your own age? Guys who don't have to answer to another 'authority' such as a fraternity rather than the girlfriend?
In the long run, these fraternity friendships may last, or they may not.
"I have told him the fact that I basically live to see him. My job is rewarding in the long term but on a daily basis VERY VERY STRESSFULL. I'm a reporter, and I'm surrounded by editors who hate everything ever in the world including me and sources who hate every journalist ever in the world including me, and I spend every day trying to prove my worth to the powers that be. I look forward to seeing him, my boyfriend. It keeps me afloat."
So basically, you have put your entire life in a fraternity brother's hands. Hm. I'm sorry to say this but I think you are expecting a lot from this guy. You've basically tried to make him responsible for your happiness, that's a pretty tall order, and frankly, it's emotional blackmail.
How old is your boyfriend, how long have you been dating and why are you dating a guy in a fraternity?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): You barely spend time with him so I think he should not go to one of the events since you will be there just to see him. Either that or he should invite you along if they allow it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Answer: You are right. Period.
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