A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im starting to worry about my boyfriends behavior and it he has the potential to become abusive in the future with our relationship. we have been dating for about 3 months. he is almost twenty and im sixteen. he always wants to be with me. we hang out basically everyday. he is very emotional and cries often because we get into small fights. last night we were messing around and smacked heads and he fell onto the floor and started freaking out.i tried to comfort him but he refused and after a little while i asked him to take me home. he went into the bathroom and then came back in and started talking to be very aggressively (not yelling) saying "why the f*** do you wanna go home?!" and i told him to stop talking to me like that and he said "why?? YOU started this! why wld u say that?!" i tried to hold his hand but he wldnt let me touch him. he said he doesnt like to be touched when hes "like this" after just looking at eachother for about a minute he broke down crying saying "you deserve so much better. im a horrible boyfriend" i felt so bad... i told him i want to be with him and tried to take his hand again but he pulled away from me and said "NO! baby i need help. i need help. i always freak out. i cant handle anything. i cant take the littlest things". we made up and suffered a very awkward car ride home with barely any talking. he tried to hold my hand and i let him for a bit but when he took it away i didnt want it back. i felt so uncomfortable. hes always paranoid about where i am and who im with. even if its with girlfriends. he wants to be there always. he says he wants to change for me and marry me someday. also, we have unprotected sex. i get nervous to tell him to use a condom because he says its better without one. so i told him over the phone and he said we will next time, but we still dont... once he is in the mood he touches me and wont stop unless i sternly say STOP. then hes disappointed. he has talked about "raping" me once, but wanting me to play along and then "pretend" to start liking it. also he wants to tie me up during sex and literally has rope under his bed for "just such an occasion". then other times he wants me to hurt him during sex... like hit and bite him. he does not smoke drink or use drugs. we have almost broken up a couple times and he threatens to kill himself or inflict harm on himself saying that i "broke him". after we broke up once in the beginning he said i hurt him so much that he would "love to put me in the middle of [my school] and tell everyone how much of a slut i am and make me break down to the point where im curled up in a ball sucking my thumb and crying". this is the only time i really questioned his sanity. he treats me amazingly, brings me flowers, takes me out, would give me the world... does he need help? what can i do? my parents love him... i dont want them to think hes a bad guy... advice and insight needed please and thank you x
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broke up, condom, drugs, flowers, in the mood, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Well done!
Now stay strong, don't respond to him, don't go back. Disconnect completely and stay that way. You'll soon be so incredibly happy that you did.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 June 2010):
And that's why you need to never speak to him again. Next time it could be you and not the poor fish.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Yay to go, girl!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
I am VERY proud of you and I hope you are, too. It is so easy for people to stay in unhealthy situations.
Woo hooo! :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontold him last night that i was scared our relationship was not healthy, he cried and went into a fit of rage, threw a small fish tank that was sitting on his dresser and broke it, so i had my friend who lives near him come pick me up. hes called me nonstop but im over it. he cant even listen to me without freaking out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 June 2010):
No, you should leave and let him get help himself. You're not his mother, and you're not some martyr. Don't join the other women who all thought their abusive boyfriends needed their help. They ended up beaten or dead. Stop with the 'giving up' rubbish, or you'll be another statistic.
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (25 June 2010):
Basically he needs help without you because with you there he is never going to get help 100% because his attentionw ill be on you he has to be focused on getting help all on his own so if your still in the picture it will all be a waste of time. This is to dangerous for you be dealing with at any age but at 17 its ridiculous please just think of your safety and get out of there
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Oh for cryng out loud. He needs help, ...so you are the one supposed to help him ??? At 17 ? After dating him for 3 months ?? Why ? Who are you, his mother ? His wife ? The Red Cross ? A shrink ?
What makes you think that you can help him rather than making things worse by enabling his behaviour ?
Sorry, I understand that young love is young love and all, but if you can clearly see it's such a bad,unhealthy situation and still you want to be stuck in it- then I'd say you are in it for the drama, and the feeling of importance you get from playing victim /rescuer.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (25 June 2010):
"Thank you all for the advice... i realize this situation is not good.. but i feel bad for even thinking about leaving him... he needs help... i feel i should be there for him and it would be wrong for me to leave... i dont want to just give up on him, he needs someone to be there... should i talk to him about seriously getting help??"
You have to get over yourself. Your own weakness is keeping you with him, and that's really bad for both of you.
Please please please get out.
You are not the right person to be helping him. And you're not the right person to get him to seek help. You don't even have the strength to get him to wear a condom for God's sake! How do you expect to get him to change??
Don't see this as giving up on him. It's NOT wrong for you to leave. It's exactly the right thing to do.
Please understand that it's your own fears, weaknesses and insecurities that are keeping you from leaving. You know all those battered wives who don't leave their husbands that break their bones? It's the same thing. And if you're not careful you'll end up like them. Co-dependent, unable to leave someone screwed up and damaging because 'he needs me', like some sick patient needing nursing.
You're a 17 year old girl. YOU are not capable of helping him! You are exactly the wrong person to be doing so.
I can't say this strongly enough. Just get out. Now. Don't look back, cut off all contact.
You came to this site for advice: a whole group of experienced and mature adults have ALL TOLD YOU DO THE SAME THING. Do you realize how absurd it is that you're ignoring all of us??
You need to get over yourself. Get over your weakness and fear. Get over your misguided need to 'help' him when you can't even manage a condom negotiation. Get out, for the benefit of the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): i know how it feels to be in that kind of situation. i was 17 and the guy that i was dating was 23. he was very aggressive with me and always put me down. i stood with him knowing that he had 3 kids,no money, and lived with his mom in the basement. when your at this age you think that you can change people but in reality the only one that can change is only the person. if he has the anger that you say please do me a favor and leave the relationship. your to young to be even with the guy and he could just be using you for sex. that's all guys really want from the time they hit puberty until they really understand what love is and that can range to their late 20's to early thirties. my advice to you is to end the relationship. you dont want to end up like me - choked out and beaten. just find the strength from deep within and leave like i did, you will feel as if thousands of bricks have been lifted off your shoulders. good luck. write to me if you really want to talk.
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (24 June 2010):
Yes yu are in a very dangerous relationship, cut all contact with this maniac and get the f**k out of there
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice... i realize this situation is not good.. but i feel bad for even thinking about leaving him... he needs help... i feel i should be there for him and it would be wrong for me to leave... i dont want to just give up on him, he needs someone to be there... should i talk to him about seriously getting help??
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 June 2010):
He sounds really dangerous, you need to get out right away.
He'll threaten all sorts of stuff once you leave it sounds like. Including suicide. You have to NOT respond to that, but stay away. It's essential. Block his email / phone number, every way he has to get in touch with you.
If he doesn't back off, talk to your parents, or other adults that can help you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 This many problems after only 3 months of dating...
No offense, but I can't think of a worse possible guy for any girl to get involved with, especially at age 16. Seriously, this guy sounds unstable and is nothing but bad news.
You can do soo much better... trust me.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 It sounds like you're trying desperatly to have someone help you rationalize the situation but the truth may set you free and even save your life9who knows) He's emotionally unstable(it sounds like to me) You need to get as far away from this situation as possible as soon as possible for your own sake. Trust us my young friend! Run and don't look back. Good Luck. R
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
HELL YES HE IS AN ABUSER.
1 - You're afraid to use a condom because he won't? So what do you think he will do if you get pregnant?
2 - He uses emotional blackmail.
3 - He flashed to anger very quickly.
4 - He wants to 'rape' you.
Yes, he is an abuser, and you will wind up in an ambulance if you don't get away from him. Period. there is nothing nice about him. He gets you things so you'll come back after he's abused you. End it.
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