A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello - i am new here, i am going through a very complicated situation and i need advice. I know this seems so wrong but i really need constructive comments.We met four years ago and we always get along very well but as we do not live in the same country we never got really close. He is 34 and i am 38. Three months ago we start to talk every day and things progressed until we went on a date. It was awesome. From then it was clear that something more was going on. We met again and we had the best time ever, we slept together and he was clear saying that he didn't want me lo leave and he wanted to see me everyday.Things are great. We feel so well together, we have a great chemistry and i feel relaxed with him. We have same interests and we can talk for hours. He always wants to know what i like to do in order to organize our dates and he tells me everyday he wants to see me.Problem: Both of us we are in live in relationships. I am leaving my bf (not because of the new guy, we are best buddies and even if i love him he is more like a friend). I do not want to be the affair, i do not want to hide and i do not want him to see me as not good enough to be his gf. I do not want to waste my time and i just want to do normal things that people do at the beginning of a relationship.How can i explain this to him without make him freak out ? Is too to pressure him ? How much credit can i give him ? I am sure he is really interested but if this continues this way i am settling to be always an understudy and i worth better that this.Thanks for reading this. Your comments are really appreciated.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 What you say makes a lot of sense.
I think you should finish your current relationship, since it's as good as dead anyways. And then, take your chances with him. It's early, yes, but your staying with Boyfriend N° 1 sends the message that you are not that much into Number 2, either.
Since he has travelled to see you, maybe he's interested as well.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your answers.I think you understand the problem and all the thoughts are crossing my mind.The issue with my current bf is actually independent. We get along very well but grew apart, we are friends and we are just too afraid to break up. We do have even a real intimacy and do do even share the same views about family or children so i think this is a very sad decision but an easy one.My friend ... we started to talk about february and we slept together one month ago. He came here and i went there. He wants to come all the time and he contact me almost every day and i am more reluctant to chase him - especially given the situation.You are right saying the it seems early to force him to choose so this is why i was asking how much to wait. On the other hand i believe that if this kind of situations go on for a long time the other person will never see you as a real possibility. And on the other side there is something murky and creepy on the hiding thing and how are you supposed to know the other person if you cannot share any normal activity ?I think he is also unsure about be and perhaps both are struggling with our thoughts. It is like anyone want to make a fool of himself and do not want to appear as demanding. Or perhaps not. I just do not want to bring the "commitment conversation" so soon and scare him off.I do not mind to move or have a LDR. I moved many times and this is not even my country. Hope that this makes sense.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 June 2010):
As in another post Caring Guy (hiya!) also happened to give an answer to, I believe circumstances are very important here.
First, your relationship with this man would be more difficult than usual because you live in different countries. He must have a life there, and I'm not sure if he would leave that to be with you. Many times that happens, but I can't swear it would happen with him. And I wonder if you could leave your country as well.
But that's only the first hurdle. Then you both have live-in relationships. Though those are not marriages, you two would have to break-up with your current partners and then bridge the distance. I believe that the mere fact of having to break up and move countries to be with a person make it necessary for you (or him) to be very sure of doing the right thing. Either of you would risk a lot, and it better be worth it.
I do think you're very much correct in not wanting to be the "understudy" and not settling for less than being the only woman.
I do believe you should leave your current live-in boyfriend. Obviously you don't love him. But, don't do it just so the other guy can be with you. It has to be the right decision for you even if the other guy didn't exist.
It is possible that he will feel pressure if you leave your boyfriend and tell him that you don't want to be second best. However, your telling him that would be only normal. The relationship has to go somewhere, and you want to know what somewhere he has in mind. If you're afraid that he would go away if you told him that you want to get more serious, then perhaps he will eventually, anyways. It's a bad sign if you can't feel confident that the other person will be with you if you want to get more serious.
I don't know how long you two have been involved, and perhaps it would still be early for him to make a decision. You say that you've been talking for three months, and then everything clicked into place. But, how many months is that, in toto? It would be kind of early to ask a man to leave his other woman and the like after three months of conversations, probably over the internet. Like I said, leaving everything behind has to be worth it, for him, too.
I think I detect that you have done all the travelling? Maybe you met while working, and perhaps he would have no valid excuse to leave his own country, but it would be interesting to know who is working harder to keep the relationship alive.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I got to agree with "caring guy" Your place as second fiddle is kind of secure as long as you pretend to have two "meaningfull" relationships one of them will mean less to him than the other. I'm afraid we're wired to be true to one and two is more than one. Remember that song buy Three Dog Noight? One IS the lonlest number. I wish I could offer up something constructive but I fear it's too late for that. You sound like a frazzled but very nice yong person. Breathe deeply and move on to the next best thing in your life. Best wishes. R
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 June 2010):
You, I'm afraid, are simply the mistress. And that's all you will be. A few facts. When a woman leaves a man for another man, there is about a 60% chance that it will work out. When a man leaves his wife/partner for a woman he is having an affair with, there is 88% chance that it will FAIL. And that's if he leaves his partner. Because the chances are he won't do that either. Far too many women needlessly labour under the idea that a man will leave. And let's face it, even if he did, how do you know he wouldn't do this to you? You, sadly, are wasting a lot of time. He is in a relationship and lives abroad. The chances of him leaving are next to none. You could give him the ultimatum, but I still think it's a total waste of your time.
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