A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged to a lovely girl. We've been together for over 5 years, but ever since we bought a house together she's become very distant. She still chooses to live with her mother rather than at our house, and openly admits that she doesn't know if she could ever leave her mother. Since we got engaged over a year ago we've only slept in the same bed 3 or 4 times (her choice), last sex was nearly a year ago. She suffers from ocd and depression, which has been getting worse and she is not interested in anything physical 99.9% of the time (sex used to be great). On top of this her condition means she can't hold down a job, but I've funded her thousands of pounds to set up her own business, instead of working at it she spends half the day in bed at her mothers, or looking after her nephews and nieces, she's making absolutely no money with her business as she does not do any work at it. Nothing I do seems to help the situation, and I've been at my wits end for a few months now.There's a woman at work who's really fun to be with, she's always been very flirty in an open way with me at work. She's a single mother and has had a tough time over the past couple of years, twice in the past few weeks we've had works functions and we've ended up kissing at the end of the night. I want to take it further with her, the feeling is mutual, but I am terrified what my fiance might do to herself if I end things with her, she is so fragile. I know it seems heartless to talk about ending a relationship because she is ill, but I have tried and tried to help her and it is making me physically ill. She is on medication and has been on therapy courses but they make no difference.I freel so mixed up I don't know what to do for the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): would you consider even leaving if there was not another female in the picture?also may i add it is a good thing you never married her for better or worse in sickness and in health i rest my case
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): you have done the right thing up to now. if you are interested in someone else, then do the only right thing you can do - end it with your fiance FIRST before persuing something with this other woman. don't cheat and don't lie. you will hate yourself in the end.
i feel sorry for your fiance. her situation is beyond her (?) but you also have a life. and you need to live it. but don't complicate it further by messing wround with this work colleague. rather tell this very available woman that you need to do the right thing by your fiance, you want to end the relationship first before starting one with her. at least start off correctly as opposed to sneaking and lying. it never gets easier.
so end things with fiance, then start with the other woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Are you a charity? I don't think so. It is not your role in life to fix people and I think you have done more than enough supporting of your girlfriend its time she makes an adult decision. Though I think she is going to stick with her mother out of blind loyalty. Best thing you can do is to say to your girlfriend you don't think the relationship is making you happy and she is clearly not happy either so lets leave it there. She has her mothers support (she stays there after all) so it would no longer be your problem. Time to get a life and be with someone who has responsibility for themselves and their own happiness... just be watchful that you don't go from one co-dependent relationship to another?
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (21 July 2009):
 been in the same position before-my ex stayed in bed all day, wouldn't even bother to look for a job and made me her emotional crutch when she should have been getting professional help. God help me I tried to keep it together but eventually realised we'd end up completely screwing each other up so left. Pretty tough when someone is so dependant, but worked out best for both of us.
Should be obvious what my advice would be...
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (21 July 2009):
 Hi, i don't think you're heartless. You should get a medal for what you've put up with. Country girl and bigsis are 100% right. You can't make her better no matter what you do. Please make yourself happy while you can. good luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 I'm with Ask oldersister and Country Woman as well. The image that came to mind for me reading your question is that old TV medical classic: doctors trying to resuscitate someone. At some point, despite all the hustle and bustle and drugs and shocks, there comes a point where everyone in the room recognizes that the patient is gone. Everyone except that dedicated doctor who keeps trying and trying until someone has to pull him away from the gurney.
You're that doctor, the patient on the gurney is this relationship. You've done everything you can, the relationship isn't going to survive. It's over, you just have to do this with integrity and compassion, be gentle but firm. Then you can move onto thinking about a new relationship, just don't start until you have made the split.
She's had years of therapy and counseling and meds; it's now time for those to come to her aid as she realizes that the "romantic" relationship has ended. It's sad that she couldn't come to her full potential as a healthy and well-rounded person, but this isn't your fault. It just is what it is. Because she has mental health issues doesn't mean that you are doomed to a life of this strange limbo, bleeding cash and losing heart, giving up your dreams.
If you are truly concerned about what she will do, make sure you tell her mother and her doctor what has happened, so they can keep an eye on her. If she threatens suicide, I believe you can contact the police or medical authorities, as she would be considered a danger to herself. You've been emotionally blackmailed for years now. Time for that to end.
This may end up being the catalyst she needs to get her life back on track, maybe it won't seem that way at first, but what's happening right now certainly doesn't seem to have any impact.
Good luck, let us know how things go with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Split with her. I can tell from your tone that you are starting to get annoyed at her. It's really sad but this so often happens when one partner suffers from a mental illness. You start off with good intentions, full of understanding and love, but unless you're a saint (and very few of us are), it starts to wear you down, and you'll end up hating her for what has happened to your life. It's not fair, she can't help her illness, but at the end of the day love can't always conquer all things.
I went through all of this with my ex-wife: the depression, the new medicines and therapies which never brought about any improvements, the permanent lethargy and lack of libido.
At least she has her mum.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (21 July 2009):
 I have to say I couldn't agree more with Ask oldersister.
Lies and deceit have NEVER ever worked out very well for anyone I have ever known and the truth always comes out at the end of the day.
So your fiance is fragile, so are millions of people. Those who are bi-polar like 2 people I know but they cope with day to day life and they get through the difficult times like losing a parent or being out of work or working full stop. They take medication to keep them on an even keel and they live their lives.
OK so the medication can have a big factor in the sexual drive area but what is the point of buying a place together ready for future if she refuses to live with you. That is not taking your relationship further but instead she is feeling safe and sound by being at home and giving the excuse of NEVER wanting to leave her mother. In my opinion that is not someone who could ever be a fulfilling wife and potential mother of your children.
I am assuming you either want children or a loving wife to have by your side?
You have tried everything by even giving her financial support to run a business. If she thinks you are her sugar daddy and you never pull her up on wasting her time instead of working or getting help to work at her business then it will continue to dwindle and it will be a huge financial failure for you in the long run and could potentially scar you for a long time if it affects your credit ratings etc.
At this stage you have kissed this other woman and whilst some might say that is two kisses to much, don't let it go to the next stage without first of all ending your relationship with your fiance. You have found someone else who cares for you, does she know what your current situation is i.e. you have a fiance?
I think you need to make a clean break and even though your fiance could play on the emotional side of things, you only have one life and wasting it in a stagnant relationship is not good for anyone. Cut the ties now before it is too late and you cannot be your fiance's rock for ever, she is as Ask oldsister's comments say an adult and as such she has to take some sort of responsibility for her own life and her own actions.
You cannot be her therapist for the rest of your life. If having the medication and being on therapy courses has not helped, then she is obviously not opening herself to want to help herself and courses and tablets are only ever any good to someone who wants to help themselves. Whilst you remain her crutch she will NEVER change. She I think needs this wake up call so she can move on with her life to.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, AskSam  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 My only advice is tread carefully, be honest and follow your gut instict that tells you what is right. There is no real right or wrong here. I do feel sorry for your wife, she must suffer terribly, does she have any help? Doctors, meds or counselling? if not please consider that avenue, the woman i think your married to now ois not the same as she is in a bad place, if after all the help things are still bad then by all means go. You have put a lot into this relationship i feel that, and i am chuffed to know there are men like that in this world, its easy to stray as you are very vulnerable and low yourself. But talk to someone yourself and consider your options. And i hope for the best for you both xxx
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