A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello me and my wife have been together 8 yrs and have 2 kids. I recently caught her in a few lies and now I'm having trust issues and thinks she is cheating on me. we have agreed social networking sites are immature and cause problems so we both said we wouldn't get into that. now I find out her email account is linked to facebook and she denies she has one. she hides her phone from me and is always talking to ''someone'' whenever I call her. she gets defensive whenever I ask her about it. I don't know what to do anymore. she says I am crazy and just imagining things. am I crazy or is she cheating?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): thanks for the advice everyone. and thank you Dorothy for helping me shed light on a dark situation your advice seems to be very helpful.
A
male
reader, ashaw +, writes (10 September 2010):
It sounds like you guys need to get a lot closer if you want to keep going. The trust issues alone can be a relationship killer. Remember though, that if you want her to be open and honest with you, you need to create a non-threatening environment for her to do that. If she feels that she is going to get judged or looked down on for her true feelings, you're never going to hear them. If you love her, you need to LOVE her. That is, actively lavish her with love in every way. Even if she really is cheating, would you rather "catch her" at it so you would be "more right", or would you rather win her back? If you really do love her, then go ahead and start winning her back, and it won't matter if she was or wasn't, because you'll have her.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 You're not crazy but you need solid proof just in case you're wrong. I think it's strange that she hides her phone or acts secretive about it all the time; that's a sure sign. Do any of your friends have a facebook account? Have someone log you on and then look around for her name, nickname or anything that might help you figure out if she has a profile there. Many dating sites let you query names without a log in so be a little secretive yourself and see what you find. If nothing turns up, you may be able to relax a little, but just keep an eye on things for awhile. Other signs she may be cheating is when she's always making up excuses to go out after work; or on the week-ends with her "girlfriends".
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 September 2010):
The moment someone who is acting like this says you're 'crazy' and that you're 'imagining things', there is usually something wrong. That is NOT to say she's cheating. It could be something else. But it's pretty clear something is wrong as you've caught her out on a lie, there are suspicious calls and she's hiding her phone. She's up to something, but until you have more information, you won't be able to really confront her. I think you need to watch her like a hawk, and do some real digging and find out about these calls. I can't say for sure she's cheating, but anyone will tell you that her behaviour is suspicious, and the answer she gave even more suspicious.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (10 September 2010):
Sounds like cheating to me, I can't imagine a wife of 8 yrs needs to hide anything. Whether it is physical cheating or emotional is another story. Hope you handle the situation with some respect and class at least! Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 September 2010):
Hi there. It's hard to say whether she is cheating or not.
If she's going out all the time when she gets home from work and getting home in the wee hours of the morning, and all dressed up to the nines, I would then be quite concerned.
If she isn't doing this but is at home, but on facebook a bit, I would say that she is trying to make her life more interesting. So the Facebook thing has become a bit of an escape from reality for her. It's a bit of an addiction for some people. If it's not Facebook it could be some other chat site. And if it's not chat sites, it could be spending hours and hours on the internet.
In any case, it is usually nothing more than an escape when people are feeling in a bit of rut in their lives and is probably done in the absence of something better to do.
It's more common than you think. I really don't think that it's anything more than an escape. The reason she hides who she's speaking to on her mobile is beyond me, perhaps it's a friend of hers. If she had anything to really hide, she wouldn't be making calls at home surely. She would be making secretive calls at work during her lunch break. So I wouldn't say that she's got anything to hide really.
I guess that she is conscious of being scrutinized by you and knows you are anxious about it.
Perhaps just give her some space. I don't mean condone what she is doing. Just encourage her to come into the lounge room to watch tv with you, so you can both be together in each other's company. And to be with the children as well.
Another thing that sometimes happens as a mother is, they are so busy doing things for other people that they forget about their own needs. They don't get to do things for themselves that make them happy, such as hobbies and interests or creative pursuits. Your wife probably needs to take some time out - just for herself - to do some of the things she enjoys.
She is probably unaware of this, because she has so many other people to do things for, she has almost forgotten about her own needs. After a while when this happens, women start to get agitated and restless and maybe even depressed - if nothing is done about it. It does sound like this is exactly what is happening.
Her solution at this time, is a quick fix and that is, she has found and discovered Facebook. It's a bit of a novelty to her, but it doesn't fulfil any real needs. But for now, it is sufficing to fill a gap at least temporarily. I'm quite sure that she will tire of it in time, realizing that it's not really doing anything but killing time in the absence of something more meaningful to do. She needs to realize that her own personal needs are just as important as everyone else's. She has to stop putting herself last.
It would also be a good idea to make your life together more interesting by doing stuff. Perhaps go out for a nice meal occasionally. See a show together. On the weekends go for a picnic at a really pretty place or park. It does sound like she is not having enough fun and frivolity. She seems to be bored and is trying to find fun on Facebook. Because after all, it is a bit of a novelty. It's writing comments to people then waiting for them to write a comment back.
It would be much better if she just rang (on the phone), some of her friends and go out with them occasionally for coffee and cake and a few laughs and catch up. That's so much more personal than sitting in front of a computer. You can't always be sure when the person at the other end is going to be sitting at their computer. So then you can get frustrated waiting for an answer to appear for you.
It's a bit hit and miss really. It's also very limiting as you can't see the other person's face as you are not even in the same room.
There's nothing quite like friends all sitting in the same room at the same time, all having a great time in each other's company. It's far better than typing on the internet. It's very impersonal.
I really don't feel you have any need to suspect her of cheating. I believe that she is simply bored and uninspired with life at the moment.
Unfortunately, she has to make herself happy. It's not up to you. But like I said before, just try to make your lives together, as well as individually, as interesting and exciting as you possibly can. Only then will change happen.
So unless she is behaving dramatically different to her normal way of behaving, there really is nothing very much to worry about.
So for now, give her the benefit of the doubt, try and trust her like you always did, and continue treating her with love and respect, unconditionally. Don't nag or get angry and upset with her about it, just let it ride. But also be very aware for any changes in what she does with her spare time.
But again if she starts going out a lot (or going out sometimes), and coming home very late, don't nag her about it. Before she goes out, just say - "Enjoy your evening" - and leave it at that. Don't add anything further, or ask when she will be home. Just leave it alone. Also, stay calm, but be loving and respectful.
Keep all lines of communication open between you, this is really important. If you stay open, positive and don't niggle her about it, she will be more likely to communicate with you without arguing and becoming defensive. Remember it's not what you say - but how you say it, that really counts.
So for now, trust her completely - unless she ever gives you a reason not to.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): That's where it begins pal. It doesn't prove she's cheating, but it gives a possibility on that. Look more into it, it's too risky to act now so get more dirt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Keep it simple, dump her and move on with your life because she is just going to keep you down.
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