A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I am very disturbed right now and need to get some feed back. Maybe I am crazy. I have been dating this guy for almost three years. Certain times I get the feeling that he has a sick sexual side. Besides the fact that we have major issues around sex. Can't get it up...or keep it up...and his movements duerung sex and or forplay seem disconnected or robotic. How sad for me right. Well I get the feeling a lot that he hides and masterbates. He denies this to the fullest. Has even packed his bags at 4 am because I woke up and jumped up accusing him. And I would never otherwise and never had this feeling with anyone else I have ever need with. Well. First about 2 years ago I was doing the wash and found a pair of my kids underwear inside of his pants pocket. He had velcrow pockets and he said they must have gotten stuck to it and tossed inside some how duerung the wash.I let that slide. Then I found 2 pairs hidden under the bathroom sink and asked my daughter if she did it and she said no way. She was looking for a pair that were under there for months. Was cute. And I believe her. Strange that since he came to live here we have weird underwear situations and its always hers that are found in off places. So tonight he said he was going for a shower. I knew she was just in there and being the kid she is I knew her underpants were left on the floor as always. And I am usually right there picking them up but forgot this time. Well he had already been in there for a few minutes and I knocked on the door and he said what. I said are you in the shower...he had no reply so I assumed he was and couldn't hear me. We shower together all the time and so I didn't see harm in coming in to grab her clothing from the floor. I opened the door and he jumped back. Yelled at me for coming in and said how rude I was for doing this. Now this is out of character for him because other times he has been fun and joking and never mad for me coming into the bathroom while he did what ever. He turns quickly and is extreemly mad at me. I spot the underwear out in the open laying on the floor behind him. I grab them and leave. I have the most awful feeling that he may be doing things with her panties. Oh god its sick to me. I want to slash his face. But how do I know for sure. He came out of the shower rather quickly. Quicker than usual. He was very upset still and wouldn't even come into the same room as I was in. He kept away. I asked did I interrupt something? Is that why you are so upset? And he laid in on me. Saying I was in the wrong. I am shocked at this because never before would he react this way. I believe he is hiding something for sure. I see him act this way when I ask him if he is masterbating at night next to me in bed and I am being woken up. I see this anger when I asked him why I keep finding my childs underpants in strange areas since he moved in. And now for coming into the bathroom when I thought he was in the shower since it was running and had been a good several minutes since he went in there. I would be suspisous of myself if this has happened before with other people like if I accused others of this before. Or if he didn't get so angry that he packs his things and says ill just move away from you then. He says I make him feel dirty and disgusting for saying those things and thn that's about all he says to me. I have a very good judge of character. Always have. I can usually tell exactly what someone is like from being around then for just a short time. And he insists I am not. And I am crazy. Coild the man I supposedly love be a prev and could he really be making me think I am crazy just to cover up his dirty lies? Help! Help! Should I go on my own intuition rather than sit around and look for solid evidence? He once told me the only way I could prove he masterbates in the night is to catch him on camera. I am tempted to do it just so I can beat him with the video tape. I have even told him look if you can pleasure yourself better alone tell me I understand people have certain quirks and it is just fair to me to know and for me to not make you ashamed of what you do but lying to me is pissing me off and nothing. Won't admit it. Now this with the underpants. I'm going crazy because I feel so strongly that he is doing it but he pushes me so hard to think I am just Crazy and sick for thinking it.
View related questions:
moved in, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): I didn't give you advice as i have only just come across your question, but i think your a really great mother, as some may keep going out with a guy, as they are afraid of being alone or whatever, but spend some time with your daughter, and give yourself a huge pat on the back. Well done for everything x
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 I am really happy for you and so happy you didn't wait either. You are very strong and this will only ever lead you to greater happiness in the future.
I am so happy that you found this site too. This is why i think this site is such a great outlet.
Take care!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so relieved. I sleep better. I don't wake up in the middle of the night panicked. I am not gathering all of my childs underpants and hiding them in a bag under my side of the bed until laundry day. I am exausted from it all. I usto feel like a child when I was worried if I was wrong but couldn't let it out of my mind. I hinted around as to why but couldn't accuse right out.
He agreed that it would be best if I was so upset and unhappy. That we end it. I'm so free from this and my daughter hasn't been hurt. I'm glad I didn't wait for something solid to happen.
Just wanted to update. I know that was such a heavy post I made and you all helped so much In making feel validated and not alone. I feel as though I have some really great friends that I haven't ever met.this was something that I was so bugged out about I couldn't even talk to my friends at home. Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): I am very worried for your daughter if you have an uneasy feeling about this man ,i am sure you are right,I would ask him to leave befour he has a chance to hurt your daughter
best wishes
sarah
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 It is not that I think he ain't doing it, just that he seems to do it so stupidly. What is so hard? Go to bathroom, lock door, turn on shower, take out panties, use them, put them back, take shower, unlock door. Nobody the wiser. No need to block the door or hide them around the house.
But your update sure makes it clear something is going on. Your choice wether to risk wether you are wrong or your daughters safety. I suggest that for now you err on the side of caution. Just keep in mind that so far there is no evidence, just suspicious behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2008):
 One more thought, your flag says you're in the USA. Have you had a look at this website, just to doublecheck his name?
The Department of Justice Website:
http://www.nsopr.gov/
Watch out for the popups on the following one.
http://www.familywatchdog.us/Default.asp
Worth a try.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLazyguy you seem to have some things wrong or confused. Ill explaine. The underpants are always from the dirty laundry. The boyfriend went into the bathroom with the shower on but never got into the shower...under the water. Was half dressed standing at the sink door was shut. I opened it. He blocked the door a little then released it and allowed it to open. Her dirty underwear were on the floor. Dry. Never brought into the shower.
I know from your point of thinking I seem crazy.
Thing is I got hooked up with this guy by a family member. We get along great except for the sex thing. The suspisions. He is very good at making me think he isn't really doing these things. I feel deep down he is. Always been able to tell just not always able to believe in my self and be 100percent sure of what I feel until the truth really comes out and it always does. But thanks for trying to answer just wasn't very on point with the subject.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (25 July 2008):
What is his IQ?
While things are odd, he would have to be really stupid to be caught this easily.
Did he grow up with a mother, because any teen boy will have learned to hide the evidence of his 'activities'. Say that he did use you kids underpants, it is possible, why does he then leave them around the house when he could simply use ones from the dirty laundry and put them back after?
For that matter, the ones in the shower, they were on the floor, was he wet from the shower? If he was using them while under the shower they would hardly remain dry. If he knew he was going to whack off to the undies on the ground (this just doesn't seem likely for someone with an underwear fetish) why didn't he close the door?
Seems odd to me that a grown man with a kid around the house wouldn't close the door when showering but especially if he is doing something he doesn't want others to find out.
It could be that he is trying to be caught, either because of the thrill of danger, to be stopped, so full of himself that he thinks you will never catch on, or not even aware that what he is doing ain't normal.
The thing that has me confused is that you say: "I have a very good judge of character. Always have. I can usually tell exactly what someone is like from being around then for just a short time."
Right, you are such a good judge of character you let a pedophile into your house for 3 years. Because that is what you are saying. Not exactly a sign of a good judge of character.
Take a real hard and most of important of all, honest look at his behavior especially why he was willing to go with a woman with a kid. As you experienced as a child, there are some sick people of it and he may well be one, just not a very bright one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Frankly, you don't need to give him any reason to pack his bags, so if he tries to pull the wool over your eyes again, you can just tell him that life with him doesn't make you happy and that it's time for him to go. You can say that whatever the story, you're never going to be happy or comfortable with him again, and it's best that you part ways as soon as possible.
You are completely doing the right thing, showing care for your daughter and self-respect for yourself. You'll both be so glad in the future that you did this. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Dear poster, it is true that sometimes you need hard evidence, but I don't think you need it in this case. The man is masturbating using your daughter's underwear. He might as well go on to molest her. There is indeed something very, very, very wrong with him. Don't hesitate another second.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Your relationship dosen't seem healthy and it dosen't seem that this man is giving you the love that you want. But no problem. If you want to continue your relationship with him then you can. Your an adult, you can see whoever you want to, but you need to get this man OUT OF THE HOUSE. You have suspicions, you may be wrong, but unfortunately with children you just can't afford to take the risk. Missing children's underware is enough for me to decide that he has to leave. If you want to keep him, just tell him that you've thought it over and you just don't feel comfortable with a man in the house around your children. It's not working out for you, and that's all you need to say... Good luck, sorry things have turned out like this, but your a mother, any suspicions and you have no choice but to act on them, whether your right or wrong. Take care of you and your family. Blessings.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. Everyone seemed to agree. I am very concerned about my childs underpants and her safety. Its my first priority. I threw in the masternation thing to just put some back ground on him out there. To let you know there is other things I have noticed to let you know he isn't exactly healthy sexually. And to let you know the underpants weren't the only weird act I felt was going on. Plus it goes hand in hand. If he is masterbating rather than having sex with me then he very well could be adding to his mixing pot with her underwear.
When I asked her if she put them under the sink....I finally said after s few days... hey I put them there becusse company was here and didn't want to bring them out in front of them.what a bad memory I have.sorry for forgetting and keeping them from you for so long. It must have been a year ago. She seemed to buy it. I don't want her living in fear.
She is 12 and we have been over and over the sexual abuse thing. She is extreemly beautiful and built like a 16 year old. I had to forwarn her especially since there have been times that she sleeps out to friends houses. You just never know.
So she is well versed in what she needs to do. How something like that would effect her and how telling someone can help her in the future.
I was subjected to that abuse as a child and teen by 2 members of my family and 2 friends of the family. I will be damned if this happens to her. I am packing his bags today and asking him to leave.
So what if he feels sick or dirty. I won't spare his feelings. What if I am right.
I'm letting him know that I feel like this is happening and not to mention the struggle I have had for 3 years on being his counselor and being nice and being upset and trying to talk to him about his issues with sex. I tried being understanding...I tried to be sad. I tried to be his friend about it. And now I see that its sicker than I ever imagined. He is implimenting my childs personal things with his sick sex life. He is so out of this house tonight. Your all so right. What proof do I need. I am so discusted with him and thinking this is happening. We were doomed from the start. He isn't a mentally healthy person and I am s healthy person and he could potentially ruin my daughters and my good minds and emotional stability.
She is my heart and sole. I can't sit around and wait for something to happen. As I said I hadn't spoken about this and needed to know. Can I ask on suspission alone. Can I just get him out because I think this is happening and you all make it very clear. What am I waiting for!
Thank you for helping me out with this one. The information has been so helpful. I can't even begin to thank you enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (25 July 2008):
Run away from this now. If you even suspect your partner is doing something odd like this you have to let him go even without outright proof. You must protect your children at all costs even at the expense of your own happiness, because I tell you if anything ever happens to your child and you had that overwhelming feeling you will feel like you didn't act on it you'd feel responsible.
This is not normal behavior if this is the case may be the start of predetory behavior. You have already found underwear in his clothes and some hidden in the bathroom add that with this odd behavior of him going into the bathroom and even I would be suspicious. You dont even need to accuse him I would just say its not working out and let him go. Let your instincts guide you on this one and dont give him the opportunity to be alone with your children.
...............................
A
female
reader, dreamcatcher16x +, writes (25 July 2008):
well i know i am young and i know very little on things like that but if you think he is a perv or something else search of registered sex offenders and on most web sites that show the names usually have pictures also. i think you should search for him on such websites. i don't know any from the top of my head but there also is the police station you could go to and ask them to look for you. i for one think it is a good thing that you have your suspisions about him and if he wasn't acting like that before he moved in then you have every right to. i hope i helped you enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (25 July 2008):
I agree with all the other posters. You need to leave because he seems off.
You dont say your daughters age but I hope that she is still young enough to not pick up on the underwear thing and I really hope he hasn't sexually abused her. Based on so many things there is no way to know if she would tell you now or many years from now if that did happen. Protecting your child is the most basic instinct and it seems like it is kicking in and trying to provent something from happening.
Scary as it is statistics prove that if you get raped or molested it is I think about 85-90% of the time by someone you know! Run now! Most men who sexually abuse there step daughters say they did it because they weren't satisified by there partner and their step daughter was close.
I know that all this info is scary but it is better to know and prevent than find out later from whoever is helping your daughter after she has been sexually abused.
I hope that I helped.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 July 2008):
You have me convinced that he is doing something very wrong.
I think he must be doing something with your daughters underwear...and thats just the beguining. It woudlnt suprise me if he has or will sometime attempt to touch your daughter and sexually abuse her. It is for this very reason that you should move out of the hosue or make him move out right this very minute. Not one more night. Leave now. He needs to be physically away from your child.
You have to do this for your childs benefit. Dont wait around for 'solid evidence' because that solid evidence could be his seamen on your daughter. You dont want that do you.
So leave now before it gets any worst.
And yes, he is trying to make you look crazy to make him look like he is acting normal, when HE IS NOT.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2008):
Your intuition is letting you know that something is a little off here. Look, I'm not going to get into your sex life or his masturbation thing; I'd be more concerned if I were you about your daughter. How old is she (you don't actually need to answer) and does she know about the underwear thing?
The masturbation thing, while I know it is upsetting and he's basically issued a challenge for you to catch him, that isn't really the point here. Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life? If not, have you tried to repair the situation? If not, why not?
If he's not the right guy for you in bed and out it, then don't keep him as your boyfriend.
And I would be very very concerned about what your intuition is telling you about the underwear. Pay very close attention now. If, that is, he is still living there with you.
Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 July 2008):
 I believe your onto something. What makes you crazy is trying to deny or justify another answer coming with the feelings your getting. His attitute and jumpy behavior alone explains there is something going on. You've noticed a change in his behavior in your entering the bathroom, shows something is going on as well.
That little feeling, that seems to always be right, comes from every little bit of knowledge you have on different subjects. Everything that you've seen, and done and heard. All experience that is wrapped up. When something is out of the ordinary, your subconscious holding all that information, attaches the warning signs as this feeling. This happens even if you are not consciously thinking about the issue.
I don't think at all that he's being truthful with you. I'm not someone who'd point fingers, but what if at some point little girl panties just aren't enough to satisfy this abnormal desire. I'm not saying this would happen, but I'd be worried of the possability of.
Your not crazy, and you have the right to be happy and protect your children. Take care.
...............................
|
