A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I should start by saying that this is going to sound very stupid coming from a 57 year old man, but it is honestly causing me a great dilemma. Over the last 6 years we have spent many fantastic holidays in Phuket, staying in the same resort and hotel each time. On every stay I would visit a beauty salon near the hotel for a relaxing massage and became friends with all the staff, especially the owner, a 41year old divorcee with a grown up family. She would usually give me a massage herself and although she speaks limited English and I speak no Thai, we seemed to get along fine and communicated as best we could. Then last October, the day before we were due to leave, while I was talking to one of the ladies in the salon who spoke pretty good English, she asked me what I thought of the owner, to which I replied that I liked her very much. This resulted in great laughter and giggling among the rest of the staff who all seemed to become excited and when I asked what the matter was the lady who spoke the best English explained that the owner also liked me and asked would I keep in touch with her when I returned home. Although I am a 57 year old married man, at the time I could see nothing wrong with this, in fact if I am honest I was very flattered, and agreed to keep in touch on our return home. After a few weeks at home I decided to give the lady a telephone call and we chatted for a few minutes about how things were in Phuket and England, this being repeated over next few months until our next visit in April 2008. Nothing appeared to have altered until about my third visit to the salon when the lady began to tell me that she had fallen in love with me and that she would like me to move to Phuket and let her take care of me. I explained that I had been married for 35 years and that although, if I were free to do as she wished, nothing would give me greater pleasure, that I loved my wife and could not go to live with her. She seemed to accept this and I continued(rather naively with hindsight)to visit her.To cut a long story short we ended up becoming lovers and at the end of the holiday parted with great sadness My problem now is that on returning home and continuing to speak to her on the phone, I am wondering if I am being selfish in continuing things as they are, despite the fact that I have repeatedly told her that unless something were to happen to my wife I would not be able to join her, and I know that she is upset by this even though she continues to take my calls. Should I break off the relationship(such that it is) or keep in touch with her.Am I being just another married man who wants to have his cake and eat it, or are the feelings that I have for her real and should keep in touch in case I am ever in a position to do as she wants.I really do not want to cause her any pain but will not cause my wife any either. Please do not respond with "this is just a holiday romance".
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Have you ever thought your wife would want an immediate divorce if she found out???
If trust, true love, and devotion are very important to her, she may not be able to live with you day after day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): let me first ask you to sit for half an hour and pretend that it is your wife of 35years that is doing what you are. realy focous your mind and swap places,then, you must remember that long term relationships become comfortable mundane boring even.you do not know this new woman totaly,you only know the fantasy,the newness is exciting and fresh,after such a long marraige i would urge you to talk to your wife about putting more excitment into your marraige,if your wife does not get your message shout louder and be more clear of the needs that are missing in your life,you may find that your wife is feeling as you are.dont throw away everything you have with your wife,tou owe her and yourself the chance to bring back what you had many years ago,good luck
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A
female
reader, tammye17  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Hello. I understand you in some sort of way....sometimes routine gets boring...but as a woman...I think you should break it up...for the best interest of both women...this woman has no future with you and your wife would be heart broken....If there is a chance between you and your wife...have a second honey moon.... fall in love again with each other...the other woman was a fantasy thing you probaly had to experience...but now that this affair is out of your system ended...best of luck
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female
reader, aunty chrissie  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 hi there, what a predicament you have got yourself into.well im in my 50s too and married so we have at least that in common.isnt it such a pity that the honeymoon period in our marriages have to fade. but it happens, and you have to be strong enough and love her enough to make your marriage work for the rest of your lives. you say you love your wife, that makes it more difficult for you, but put the shoe on your foot and ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way round, its hard to imagine isnt it, but you probably feel so so hurt thast she was even thinking about it, do you really want to give up everything and go hundreds of miles away , also if one of your mates asked you advice on this subject what would you say, what worries me is if a woman hundreds of miles away can tempt you a little what are you going to do if a woman in this country makes you feel the same way. there is no right or wrong in my opinion, years ago it would have been totally wrong but nowadays it happens. ask yourself, if you are truly happy in your marriage, but if you decide you want to go, just first take time away from your wife in this country and see how you feel before giving it all up to go hundreds of miles away to flattery. hope all ends well.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I don't think I need to tell you what marriage actually means.It's quite sad that you put everything else before your own wife. How did you feel when you and your wife first got married? Would you ever think about leaving her for someone else, or cheating on her? If the answer was yes, why the hell did you get married.Obviously the woman is a slut and seduced you. She obviously only thinks about herself, and what she wants. Not about the fact that you are married which according to you you had told her.You now, therefore, need to be the man about this. You need to call her up and say that you don't love her, that it was a mistake, out of control whatever you felt when you first became 'lovers'. You need to end this for your wife - who by the way is totally innocent - for yourself because you honestly deserve better than the Thai woman, and for the Thai woman because she needs to see sense.It may be hard, but you have got to do it. The further in you go the harder it is to get out. IF she tries to make you stay or say shes pregnant or something random like that, its probably a lie. You need to make it clear that you don't love her and that you love your wife, and promised to be with her for the rest of your natural life.Period.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Hi Hunny
You got seduced hunny by a woman who most definatly knows what she is doing..This is her job I would put money on that. Alot of these women see an english man going on holiday alot and think he has money and that is all they are interested in, Do not belive her storys of love. She saw you coming (no pun intented) You have been married for 35yrs think of this the other way round...Your wife goes on holiday and meets a wonderfull man who offers her the world she has been seduced into a world of wonderfull hot sun naked flesh and lots of sex and wonderfull words of love she is loving it and keeps intouch saying only if something happened to my husband could I join you for ever thinking so highly of this man she is torn between hurting him and hurting you. How would you feel? There is your answer if you have feelings of hurt at the thought of your wife in the hands of another man and waiting for something to happen to you before she buggers off to be with him...A friend of mine wanted someone so Desperately that he started dating some women in the same kind of industry that you are talking about and it wasnt long before she was asking for money that things were not good for her and I told him over and over again HOW MANY MEN DO YOU THINK SHE IS DOING THIS TO? Its not just you it one every week every fortnight its all the time, This woman has no feeling for you love she wants your money..My friend went away so much it cost him his Business my advise is listen to oldfool he isnt such an oldfool love TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 You had an affair. It was a bit different from the normal. Don't worry. You wouldn't be the first man to go to Thailand and fall in love with the local women. There are any number of white men who stay there for one reason and one reason only: the women.
Be careful with Thai women. There are many fine Thai women from good families. But your lady is not a lady from a good family; she is in the massage industry. This is a service industry that's very close to the sex industry. (I wouldn't be surprised if they offered "special services" alongside their normal massage.) If you look around the Internet you'll find some absolute horror stories about Thai bargirls. I urge you to do a few Google searches. There are stories to make your hair stand on end.
This lady may not be a bar girl, but she is from a related industry, and she knew you had a wife when she started to seduce you. Just accept this as a fling that you had while you were in Thailand. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you owe this Thai lady anything. She has already had a taste of something that really should belong only to your wife. You're quite justified in not giving her any more. And she shouldn't expect any more.
If you want to keep her on the side, that's your business. But you need to be hard-headed. If you start getting these mushy thoughts you're on the road to disaster. This Thai lady is playing you and has got nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Eventually she may find herself being rewarded with little monetary incentives from her falang sap (you), and if she's lucky she may get the whole lot.
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A
female
reader, Jade Harmony +, writes (10 June 2008):
 OK, I'm going to tell you like it is... How would you feel if the tables were turned and your wife went out of town and fell in love and had wild, passionate, hair-pulling, back-scratching sex with a well-endowed, bronze complected, muscular, tribal looking guy in a loin cloth from the Amazon or something like that. Does that sound like a married woman to just "wants to have her cake and eat it too" or does it does it make your stomach turn with disgust, hurt and anger??? You know your answer to your question deep down inside, despite your narcissistic views and denial. If you not only felt the desire, but ACTED upon the desire to share a sacred act you are only supposed to share with your wife with some Thai lady who just wants your money along with many other men that visit her and support her all year around, then you have no business being married. Give your wife what she deserves... RESPECT AND HONESTY. Let her go find happiness with someone else who will give her what you are not willing to give to her.
Oh, and also, did you get STD/ HIV tested???? If you had unprotected sex in Thailand, look at the danger you are exposing to your wife!!! No matter what you do, there is a universal law called KARMA. Unless you make things right, it will definately catch up with you! GROW UP and ACT YOUR AGE. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND DO WHAT'S RIGHT!!!
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Yo!
The "Freudian slip" in happytochat's reply says it all.
"...a concern for your lifes [wife's] feelings..."
The unintentional linking of those two words really sums it up nicely.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (10 June 2008):
"should keep in touch in case I am ever in a position to do as she wants?"
Marriage is commitment for life and you have a wife who you made that commitment too.
Yes, these days geting a divorce is sooooo easy and people tend to take marriage very lightly and I get the feeling you may be doing this to. If you took your marriage seriously you wouldnt be having a "back up plan" with this Thai lady.
You went on and on in your post about what is fair for the Thai lady, and only ONCE did you mention a concern for your lifes feelings. This doesnt seem right to me. Why are you thinking so much about this persons feelings and not your wife's? Let me assure you that yes both will get hurt in this situation, but your wife will be hurt far more. The Thai lady loves you, but she knew you had a wife before she slept with you (i assume you did as you said you became lovers). So she knew what she was geting herself into really. She set herself up. Your wife however, has given you trust that you will be faithful to her. So her pain will be far more severe. Not to mention the commitment she made to you, and probably expects to spend the rest of her life wiht you. Unless of couse shes like you, and has a back up plan.
I also get the feeling from your post that your love affair with the Thai lady was more about boosting your ego then anything else. I dont see how you can call it love when you can barely communicate with each other. I dont know what you call a healthy and loving relationshp, btu in my opinion it includes, communication, respect, honesty and loyalty. And it seems you do not have any of these. I think its all about the ego boost as your a 57 year old man....at that age alot of people are feeling bad about themself and having somoene who is younger is a huge ego boost!
You need to tell your wife what has happened. She deserves to know the truth. IF you cant tell her the truth, then you should leave her. She deserves to be with someone who is truthful. You cant have both in your life, alhtough it seems this Thai lady is setteling for it, as she already knew you had a wife. But in the long run, no one will put up with being the secret lover. So you have to make a decision. And if you cant chose, then you shoudlnt have either of them. Its not fair to go on having both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I'm surprised your wife allows you to visit Thailand so much!
I have stayed in Phuket, so I know what it is really like there - as do you considering you have been going over there for 6 years!
As much as I hate to generalise, I would be very surprised if this women's interest in you isn't ultimately anything more than financially motivated, but Thai women are superb at being receptive, feminine and so caring so it is no wonder so many western men are attracted to them.
You say you don't want to cause your wife any pain, but how would she react if you sat her down and told her everything that you have done? I'm sure that will be pretty painful.
Reality check: You are in denial, you have had a holiday romance and you have unfortunately fallen for the biggest mistake ever - falling in love with a Thai women. Time to disengage penis and think with your brain on this one.
Next time go on holiday somewhere nice with your wife instead, and away from any third-world prostitutes.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (10 June 2008):
 I think you are massaging your ego while you let your Thai lover massage other parts of you! You have a wife of 35 years, and from what you write you have a happy marriage and a lot of respect for your wife. You no doubt have children, what would they make of your behaviour, is it worth losing the respect of your wife and children for something that is not much more than an infatuation.....
Can you see yourself going and living with your lover? Your post does not suggest so, my advise would be to stop contacting this woman before your wife finds out that the holidays she thinks you are having as a loving couple are no more than a chance for you to get your rocks off, she will be hurt and very angry.
Try somewhere else for your holiday next time and if your wife wants to go back there choose another resort, you will always be tempted otherwise.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (10 June 2008):
It's a lot of silliness, isn't it?
This is just the "mid-life crisis" that so many of us get - which is not an excuse for it, just a name for the itch that we get usually somewhere between our early forties and late fifties for the excitement of something/someone new. It's probably not even love, much as it might have felt like it at the time.
I think most of us consider the possibility of someone other than our wives, and at some time or other most of us get fairly close to someone else. With luck, we generally come to our senses in time and manage to remain friends with that person - which, I think, is good.
You've gone rather further, and I'm sure you are very far from being the only person who has done it. I don't think it's going to work trying to stay friends with this woman. You've said you love your wife and you don't want to hurt her, and sooner or later the relationship you are having will end in disaster one way or another. If your marriage was already a disaster, without love and without any real need to stay together, then I'm sure the advice would be different - but as it stands it's going to go horribly wrong one of these days. Break it off. Try to forget this woman. Concentrate on what is rally important in your life - and if you think long enough and hard enough about it, I'm fairly sure you'll find it's your wife you really want.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Ok I will not respond with "this is just a holiday romance".
You are just a number of silly men that go over to these places and fall for someone a little more exotic. How long do you really think she would take care of you for? or how long would it be before you are taking care of her???
You know already that you are being a man that "want's his cake and eat's it". And I think you came on here trying to justify yourself, hoping someone would agree with you that it OK to crap on your wife of 35 years.
How do you think your wife would feel if she found out? has she ever been horrible to you, have you had a bad time with her. If she has not been a good person I could understand it, but you have not said that she is.
I think its really very sad, that you are putting your own EGO in front of your wife's feelings.
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