A
male
age
36-40,
*hristian6
writes:I’m a young gay man and I feel like I’m a bad person. I’m receiving a lot of attention from a black guy (I'm white myself). He’s being really nice, giving me small gifts and everything, asking me to go out with him. We’ve talked many times, he’s a wonderful person, but the color of his skin is a total turn off for me. I can't help it. He’s a really nice guy and I realize that if only he would be white, I would definitely date him. I know that there’s more of a person than color of skin, but still. I don’t know does he understand that nothing can be between us. I don’t know should I tell him or just let him figure it out by himself. What should I tell him? I can't just say "I won't go out with you because you're black". That would be very rude. I appreciate him very much, it's just that I know I could never be together with a black man. Does it makes me a racist? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 September 2012):
Good point, BeingBlack and Honeypie. We're all of the human race, so that should make us one and the same. Like so many others, I sometimes get sidetracked by all the gibberish so I lose sight of simple truths like this. Thanks for that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2012):
 Just wanted to say a LOUD AMEN! to Beingblack.
Whenever my kids have forms from school/sport to fill out and the "race" question comes up, I ALWAYS put "other" and HUMAN RACE.
Because I believe the idea of "races" is ridiculous and it's holding US, human back.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (8 September 2012):
 Obviously, I am black, and over the years I have dated all sorts and types of women.
But they have been predominantly white, that is simply due to my personal preference.
So am I racist for not dating black women? Absolutely not, if I meet any woman with an hourglass figure, I am hooked, no matter what skin colour she is.
But I have never dated a man. So does that make me homophobic? Of course not. I simply prefer women, and the thought of kissing/touching a man is not something that lifts my skirt.
I think that 'racism' is an overused issue, and an incorrect one to boot.
I do not consider a Caucasian to be from a different 'race', any more than a Chinese, or African person. Are we not all from the 'human' race?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 September 2012):
 You think he is nice. You appreciate him very much. That does not sound like a racist.
One hears guys of who mention that they like particular people who are blondes or redheads. Its a physical preference.
I am sure there are people willing to generalise and say that they love men in Kilts. Or that they like Italian men.
You are choosing one aspect that would, if you told him, definitely distress him. And some may call you racist.
But I do not sense any hatred in you to a particular ethnic sector. (such as one hears from some sections of the community - indicating that they are racist against another ethnic sector of the community)
You have grown up with a particular physical preference. Just like guys who are drawn to partners with long legs or blonde hair.
At least let him know that you appreciate the times you talk, that you like him as a person. But that it's a no to anything more, as the chemistry is not there, to take it further. Which is technically correct. And at least spares him the pain of knowing your own long held views on what you find more sexually attractive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): No it absolutely does not mean you're racist. I also have a preference for only white men, and because I'm white myself people often think it's racism that stops me from dating a black man but it's a preference, you have to go with what you're attracted to and don't force yourself to like a person just so someone doesn't deem you racist.
It's not racism, just tell the guy you're not interested and your sorry it couldn't work out.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 September 2012):
Being racist to me means being intolerant towards people that are of a different race and/or have a different skin color than you. That's different than having a certain preference dating wise. I mean, you probably encounter plenty of white guys that aren't your type either. So don't worry about it. You can't help what you're attracted to.
Just when you tell him, say something along the lines of you seeing him as a friend and nothing more. Don't bring up his skin colour because it's something he can't help (as you can't help your preference) and listing it as the reason why is useless to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): Stop accepting the gifts, return the ones you did take. It is not racist at all. I'm half Mexican and Mexican guys are a complete turn off for me. Does that make me racist since it's my ethnicity?? I don't think so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): Yes, I think you are racist because it's only the colour of his skin that's standing in the way of your choosing not to date him. When I last checked, that WAS racism.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): Not @ all! Im black & I've never dated outside my race either. I have friends of different nationalities but I'm not attracted 2 them. There is nothing wrong w/that. So don't beat urself up over it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2012):
 Nope. Not racist at all. It's simply a preference and you're as entitled to yours as the next person.Don't accept any gifts though. Just tell him there is no chemistry. You're not obliged to offer any long explanations either. Keep it simple.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2012):
I don't think it makes you a racist. We all have a "type" and obviously "black" isn't yours.
But stop accepting gifts and stuff from this guy, that is like stringing him along. Tell him he just isn't your type.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): I don't think this is classed as racism, everyone has their personal type of ideal, and he's just not yours.
I would tell him he's not your type, you don't necessarily have to tell him the truth about why, you could just make something up.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 I don't think you're a racist. You're not talking about not hiring him for a job, or spending time with him as a friend just because he's black. You're talking about having a sexual relationship with him, and in that area we're just wired to like certain things, and to not like certain things. I would just tell him you like him just as a friend. If he asks is it because he's black be honest, you just can't see yourself having a relationship with a black guy, no matter how wonderful he is.
In terms of sex and relationships we all like certain things and not like certain things, and we don't have to justify our preferences to anyone. Some people won't go out with someone if they're shorter than them for example. Does that make them a bad person? All we can do is be honest and as gentle as possible with the other person's feelings.
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