A
female
age
41-50,
*wiggyCA
writes:18 months ago I met the man of my dreams and began what I look back on as the best year and a half of my life. Our relationship was everything that I had ever wanted, everything I had searched for. This was it, I just knew it. We talked of marriage and family. It seemed inevitable. Although we didn't officially live together, we rarely spent a night apart. When an incredible job opportunity opened up for me 2,000 miles away, he willingly quit his excellent job and moved with me to pursue my high-paying dream job. After a couple of months of being in the new city, after just settling into our new house, he still wasn't able to find a new job, and didn't know anyone in the new city and I feel he became depressed. Two months into our new life, he decided that he "just wasn't happy" and although he says that he still loves me, he made the decision to move back to our former city and consequently, we broke up. He has been back in our former city, with our friends, back to the way life was, for 6 weeks now. He says that he struggles with his decision to leave, but knows in his heart that he did the right thing, even though he is still in love with me. I love him with all of my heart, but I let him go. I don't pursue him. I patiently wait for him to call me or email each week. I want to cry and beg and tell him that we can make it work and please don't let it be over... but I do not. I play it cool. One might argue that if he really loved me, that he would be here with me and not 2,000 miles away. Am I a fool to think we could have a future together after what he has done? And is it possible that he does really love me still?
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female
reader, TwiggyCA +, writes (25 June 2009):
TwiggyCA is verified as being by the original poster of the question So I made a small step...I told him on the phone yesterday that I planned on coming out to a music festival (in our old city,2000 miles away,where he currently lives) next month. He said great or okay or something like that. I said, "yes, it'll be great to see friends and spend some time with them, but honestly I would like to hang out with you most of the time." I dont' know what I expected.. but I was hoping he would be excited and say GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT! But he just acted normal. It sort of hurt my feelings, even though I know he isn't a man who gets super excited about things until they're happening. I just wonder, would he tell me if he didn't want me to come out for a visit or thought it wasn't a good idea?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): If you have an idea for a solution, (like your long distance relationship) then you should talk to him about it. Don't wait for him to read your mind because that won't happen. He may love you and share same interests but he's not you :P . But more importantly you should ask him if he can do it and if he is up for it, not to only describe the way you feel about it when you talk to him.
There are many upsides and downsides in long distance, it would do you well to look into it before you make a decision. Long distance in any case works best when both want it. Perhaps throw in some weekends where you both can visit...not every weekend but you know...some physical contact would be nice for both of you. I myself have been in 3 online relationships (sigh) and others here have been as well. So if you get that confirmation from him then we may be able to help out.
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female
reader, TwiggyCA +, writes (24 June 2009):
TwiggyCA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. They have given me much to think about and I so appreciate these different points of view, all unbiased. Yes, I did what was right for my career at this time. By moving back, he did what he thought was right for him (and I guess his emotional well being). It's just so difficult because I LOVE him so much and I can't imagine moving somewhere for him, staying for two months and then leaving. I like to think that I would move anywhere for him and be fine with it, because at the end of the day - I would be with him. Friends, jobs, fun... all the familiar things that were in our old city are not what I care about at the end of the day.. it's my relationship. And me moving back there at this point isn't an option (I'm locked into an 18 month contract and would have to pay like $25k if I broke it!). I sometimes think that I sacrificed my love life for this career, but if he had pushed back prior to us moving and said "let's stay put for now", I probably would have done so. But to *BeingBlack*'s point of view, I would have always wondered and possibly have resented him for leading me to pass up this amazing career opportunity. At this point I absolutely 100% would be willing to do long distance with him for the next year and then move back... but he hasn't brought that up as an option. And honestly, I'm scared to bring it up. It would just be another rejection. (oh, that sounded so insecure and pesimistic). But if he was willing to do that, then certainly he would hve brought it up as an option by now, right!?
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female
reader, ladydela +, writes (24 June 2009):
 hmm well your relationship has not gone well but still there is hope you need to think of a compromise that will not only settle for and him but you guys are happy cause obviously as i can see you guys don't seem completely happy without each other I think you should not hate him or just cut it off like that you need to talk with him about a compromise that will not only make you happy but him to does the place you live have a job that's exactly or like the job you ex has now? In every problem there is a compromise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Hey again,
I would like to say that your friends are not giving you advice. They are just on your side, and most "friends" would just say anything to make you feel better. One says you should hate him...why hate him? Who would tell a friend to hate someone? I don't know what solution that would bring for closure and well...I guess I am right coz you have no closer. Unless...hating him gives you that feeling that he deserves to be hated...but ofc you did write to him and opened up to him somewhat so I guess that didn't work out. You can't tell someone "tell me you love me" and you will suddenly have closure...what closure will you have? This all seems like temporary solutions. If I were you I would get away from these friends for now and figure things out yourself in a relaxed environment.
Anyway, my point of what I answered previously, and still am trying to do is for you to understand how he feels if YOU even love him a little. You just have to accept things as they are as well, because dwelling on the past isn't going to make any solution babe. Realistically, its either you move to him or he moves to you...and the way things are and the way you are, I dont think he will move back to you.
The other aunts have posted very good advice with life experience as well. If you can open your eyes a little wider, I'm sure things will work out for you. Seeing is believing right? Heh. Although my meaning of "work out" may not be the same as yours. Try to not dig into the past so much, but instead try to learn from it and move forward with your head up. Live in the present...these words may not make much sense but I hope....at some point it will.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2009):
 I don't think he dumped you for a city. He dumped you for a sense of familiarity and security. For some that overrides the feeling you can have for another person.
Not everyone are able to "just" pack their back and go. Others try and it just don't work.
I think, if I have to be honest that he didn't try hard enough. 2 months is NOT really trying. We all know the job market isn't that hot at the moment so getting a new job is not always something you can do at the snap of your fingers. Maybe he should have looked into the job situation before moving there with you. However a nice as 20/20 hindsight is. The facts remain. He didn't feel at home there. I'm pretty sure he felt like he was "mooching" of you and I haven't met many guys who like that in the long run.
You CHOSE your career over him as well. As I see it, I don't think you can give him all the blame. Maybe all he needs is to realize that you are THE ONE he wants to be with, that all else will fall into place. Maybe he just isn't as adventurous as you. Starting over in a new place can be daunting. Personally I love it, but I know it's not for every one.
All you can do is realize that resenting him ( or yourself) is not going to do any good one way or another.
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female
reader, niki20 +, writes (23 June 2009):
 you sent him a letter asking him to tell you that he cares about you but doesnt love you or i mean is in love with you? he obviously is in love with you if he left everything behind to move with you. even if it was for a little bit he still did it, you need not to listen to your friends as much as you did. they are YOUR friends and will pretty much say what will make you feel better. they arent going to say hey yea he loves but he was sad and depressed and had to leave. that would make you feel shitty and like your friends arent on your side. you know? im sure he loves you but you have to put yourself in his shoes. why wouldnt you give up what you have and move back to be with him? are you not in love with him? that sounds silly right? so why are you asking if he loves you? he obviously does. so relax and stop making him feel horrible. he couldnt make you happy if he was depressed. you have a guard up of insecurity and you need to let it down.
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 I remember a similar scenario in my late teens. I had met a model, and we had moved in together. As you can probably guess, she was extremely good looking, albeit very insecure, and I was a linebacker in college (yes, we play football in England, just nowhere near NFL level). I was offered a scholarship at 'The U' in Florida, but she begged me not to go, and I didn't, because she didn't want to leave the UK, her family, her friends, and her emerging career here.
Four years later, we were finished, and I had missed my opportunity to go for the NFL.
I don't know if I would have made it, but EVERY DAY I wonder to myself. I would love to go back in time, and have that opportunity again.
This is now 'your' time, where the opportunity has come, and you have grabbed it. This is your life, and the way to look at things is this. People will come and go, some will stay with you, others are just passing through your world. This man seems perfect, but in time, you will meet the one who is near you, and really rocks your world. I'm older, I have seen it happen a thousand times.
What you don't need is to live a life with regret. You have one aspect of your life clearly sorted, i.e. your career. If you had stayed put, would that job have ever come up again? Maybe, maybe not. Would the guy have changed? As we grow older, we all do, without doubt. You made the right choice for YOU, and he is doing what is right for HIM.
By the way, my ex model moved to the Daytona Beach area about five years after we split. Go figure.
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female
reader, TwiggyCA +, writes (23 June 2009):
TwiggyCA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJason X, I see your point. I just have so much advice thrown at me from friends, I feel like it's clouding my vision. I was hoping this unbiased forum might help. My one friend says that I should hate him for leaving me... that if he really loved me, he would have wanted to stay here and be with me. She says that he chose a city over me. I was dumped for a city! He chose to leave, to go back to where we lived before, where we have a huge network of friends and he has a since of security.
I do play it cool now, but don't misunderstand, he absolutely knows how I feel about him. I've told him and written it to him in the past month - that I love him and am having a hard time and that I feel we are meant to be togther.
Interstingly enough, I sent him a letter last week asking him to help me and just be honest and tell me that he isn't in love with me...that he cares about me, but isn't *in love* with me. I told him to please give me that at least, so I can have some sense of closure & begin to deal with what has happened and move on. He refused and said that he wasn't going to say something just for the sake of saying it when it isn't true. Ugh!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Hmm I'm not sure if I am reading it correctly, but I get the feeling you think he did a wrong thing since you said "after what he has done". He gave up his everything which was going very well for him to be with you, and it was not working out, even turning him depressed so he did the logical thing to make himself a normal person...and on his decision to move back you didn't even chase him or stop him. I get how you feel but I wonder if you get how he feels at all.
If you've been "playing it cool" and not showing interest then well I just don't know what to say...to top it he does say he still loves you but you question it. You say "if he really loved you he would be here" but he was wasn't able to live happily or be secure...what about if you really loved him you would be there with him instead? I guess if you don't understand him or his feelings a little then it's prolly better off like this.
Sorry
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female
reader, niki20 +, writes (23 June 2009):
he could still love you, he sounds scared of the umfamilar which is what happened when you two moved. he went back to safety and comfort and he can always change hos mind and decide to suck it up untill he does find new friends and a new job were you are. he may need to time think that could take long. if you two talked aboit marriage and a family chances are that thats what he wants. give him his time, tell him how you feel you think your acting strong but what do you think he is thinking when he doesnt hear you upset? this is the ultimate test for you two and you guys have keep it together and be strong and honest with eachother. goodluck.
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