A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:My boyfriend cheated on me 2 months ago - slept with someone else at a party. Completely unexpected and completely against my morals. More detail in previous q's of mine! But to the point of this one...Rightly, or probably wrongly, i gave him another chance. I was wondering if anyone had any useful tips for this difficult situation..This weekend he's having a birthday 'thing' joint with 2 other friends. They are friends with the girl he's slept with, and he thinks one may have invited her. If she comes, that's not gonna be too fun for me. I feel I should go, if I am trying to make it work, since it's for his birthday. I'd also be curious to see how he reacts to seeing her and how he acts around her. However even though I'd prefer to look like me than like her, I know if she looks attractive on the night (i've seen photos on facebook, some where she does and some where she doesn't) then i'll feel insecure. I've already started thinking my boobs look too small in the dress i'd planned to wear, and thats cos hers are large - although larger than id ever want to be. Realistically i know i look fine but i know i will start doubting my looks.More importantly, i'm sure it'll bring back some of the emotions experienced in relation to it - hurt, anger,betrayal etc. How to deal with them calmly, specially if after a few drinks?What do i do if she talks to my boyfriend? She's 'accidentally' sent him a text for someone else, which may or may not have been an accident. She also texted him right after it happened. I dont know whether she is interested in him or not- dont get why you would be in a cheater when youve not got 3 years of emotional involvement-but what if she's flirty with me?And what if i bump into her? I had thought of saying i know you didnt know at the time that he had a girlfriend so i dont blame you but its not really my job to salvage her conscience as my friends say.. Plus if she is flirty with him then what do i say?Last of all i dont know his friends all that well and shes an old friend of theirs so im going to feel completely out the loop. I basically want to go and feel confident about how i look, about speaking to other people, to present as and be calm and mature and if its possible have a good time! However insticts to the contrary are likely to take over - i look crap...i'll say something silly...get upset/really quiet etc. I'm also struggling cos i feel like a fool for taking him back in some ways because it goes against what i stand for and he didnt care about me and took me for granted. I dont like people to be thinking oh what a fool she is!Any tips on how to make this go as painlessly as possible please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): I know how you felt when he cheated on you, my boyfriend cheated on me 3 months ago. He knows what triggered it, His friends, the kind of shows he watched, and the raunchy rap music he listened to.
After it happened he didn't tell me for a month later, he was too afraid he would loose me, but I noticed he wasn't hanging out with his friends anymore and when I would ask him about it he'd just say he didn't like them anymore.
Well, his brother knew what he did and I heard them yelling outside, when I went out to check on them my boyfriend had thrown up all over the ground, he couldn't talk he was in a state of depression he was sobbing for days and throwing up everything he ate. For days this went on and I had no idea why because he when he would try to tell me he'd throw up and then sob.
I was heartbroken and hated to see him like that. In my mind i knew what he did. I thought, Either he killed someone or he cheated on me.
He finally told me, I was just relieved to know. And like you, I took him back. I did it because I saw how much he regretted it, how much it weighed on him. I also did it because the moment he told me what he did my only thought was "How can we fix this and move on?".
It's a slow process, but he cut out of his life everything was a bad influence in his life, including his two best friends. Every new rule i have given him he has excepted gladly because he loves me and is happy to keep me. The point of me telling you this whole story is, there's lots of people that say I'm totally stupid for taking him back, but it wasn't their choice, it was mine. in the end if you stay with him or not is your choice. But does the way he act about the situation make you think "Ya he's worth this, I want to fix it."? Is your relationship worth saving? If your answer is yes, then don't let anyone tell you different.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (16 December 2009):
 Personally it sounds to me like he is fed up with being GOOD in his eyes and he wants to party on New Year's Eve, maybe his mates are saying things like, "the missus keeping a tight reign on you since you were a naughty boy"?
Perhaps he now feels that enough time has passed and you should get over it and move on in HIS eyes.
I don't think he is trustworthy in all honesty and I think it is only a matter of time before he does it again.
Anyone can get on their soap box about the environment etc, but working at a relationship and actually keeping his d**k in his pants is something he does not seem able to agree to do in the future. Sorry I am not usually course or outspoken to that degree but unless he is prepared to put in some work into your relationship, why should YOU be the one doing all the ground work and having to quickly get over it so that he doesn't feel like he is constantly being punished for it.
It isn't that clear how long you have been in this relationship btw and I just wonder if you feel more for this relationship than he does?
Perhaps he feels he needs to out there as such and not tied into a relationship? Just a thought, but I can't see him being someone who is ready to settle into a full on relationship right now.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (16 December 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thank you all for your replies. We didn't go for too long and it wasn't terrible, but wasn't nice either. Soon as I saw her I got really shaky. Tried to be smiley and chatty with his friends, saw her with coupla friends and they seemed to be talking about me in a negative way..
I thought i might get some kind of closure out of it but cos they didnt actually talk i couldnt see what if any kind of vibe there was between them..
I just wonder what it would have been like had I not been there now! I hate to think he might go along with any jokey comments she might make about it regardless of the hurt it caused..
We spoke tonight about plans over Christmas and he was considering drinking at new year - he quit after cheating on me having said that a large part of it was due to him being drunk... hmm. Anyway I asked why he was thinking of drinking again if he really thought that played a large part in it, because surely he wouldnt want to risk that happening again and it would be more likely if it really was partly related to being drunk. Alternatively i suggested he take more responsibility for what he did drunk or not.. He got really exasperated and quite angry..he's not like that usually and last time he was a few hours before he cheated on me! I don't understand why he reacts like that...guilt? not feeling trusted? (surprise..) Any ideas? I feel really hurt that he reacts like this because I feel he doesnt care about how much he's hurt me, in fact doesn't really appreciate how much it does hurt. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't really experience the emotions the same as some people...as for morals he's very moral about the environment and stuff yet he's admitted he thinks cheating is wrong but not terrible wrong... to me it's an awful thing to do to anyone yet he seems to view as a bad thing like how, i dunno, calling in sick one day when you're not is bad.. I can't figure him out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): hi torngirl, i think meeting her may be the closure you need or it may open up a can of worms. but one thing for sure, your bf needs to get his ass into gear and make you his priority. he is the cheater, not you. realise this as well. HE cheated on you, not her. so he is the one to pay the price for his cheating ways. i think he expects too much from you to just move on. the fact that he believes this is perhaps inconsequential means that he cannot see the severity of his cheating actions.
remember this - he had sex with her and then he "dumped" her, not calling her. made her feel like a slut i assure you while he just go on with his life. your bf got away with murder and he knows it therfore he belittles your emotions and feelings. watch this cad, he is not over his cheating ways yet.
one day you will have to make a decision not matter how much you "love" him. i hope you will be strong making the decision. i just think you are too good for the bf.
(hey ,look on the bright side, there is a possiblility that you can meet a better person at the party. just keep your options open and check out the talent there. you may just surprise yourself!)
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A
female
reader, dream10000  +, writes (11 December 2009):
I was in a similar situation over the Thanksgiving holiday. A girl, my boyfriend had slept with while I was seven months pregnant was going to be at his family gathering. I refused to go. I agreed to have a family member call when she left, then we would go to the gathering. My boyfriend was fine with her there because he "would be hanging with the guys and she wouldn't try to approach him." I am still hurt and angry by his remark. I found it very disrespectful towards me as his girlfriend. Especially after agreeing to go to the gathering after she left. Knowing how bad it hurt me, if for no other reason other than respect for you, I think he should spend that time as quality time with you... alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Why are you putting yourself through this? What's so great about him that you want to give him another chance??? You sound like an amazing person. He sounds like a scumbag. What's to stop him from cheating again, if he did it so blithely the first time???!!!
I know you didn't ask for this sort of advice, but I just felt I had to say something. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 December 2009):
Yes well if this girl does seek you out on the night and asks to talk then tell her you would rather do that on another day and just exchange telephone numbers instead.
OK she could lie through her teeth if she is actually after him but you can sometimes read between the lines.
He is not YOU and he cannot put a time limit on when you are going to feel OK about it all and if he EVER says that he doesn't want to talk about the subject ever again or he has heard enough about it, then seriously decide whether you want to be with someone who is not tolerant or prepared to put your feelings first. He is the one who hurt you regardless of the fact that it was a one night stand or not.
If a man is a MAN, he can stop at any point and a kiss is definitely something that can be forgiven 100 times easier than if they have full on sex. That was a cop out in my opinion when he said he knew he was already in trouble, he knew what he was doing so he also knew the consequences of his actions as well but he hasn't actually had any real fallout from it all. He still has you and he is dreading seeing her again, makes me wonder why in all honesty, could she let something slip and that is what is making him nervous or does he not know what your reaction is going to be and that is what is worrying him.
You are 100 times better than her as you have morals and you are not about to have sex with a guy on one night regardless of whether you know the guy has a gf or not. So don't ever think less of yourself.
She is just tits and arse at the end of the day and obviously known possibly as an easy lay, girls like her are 10 a penny, you on the other hand is the cream and he is damn lucky to still have you. However, he does need to know that.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (8 December 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, very insightful!
Indeed i will limit my alcohol intake so that its my rational brain and not my emotions talking!
He's actually very uncomfortable about it and is dreading seeing her. Because its a friend of his who's invited her (whose birthday is being celebrated too), and since it wasn't her fault in the first place (if she was truthful in telling him after that she didnt know he had a girlfriend), it didn't seem fair to ask for her not to be invited.
He told me about it the day after and has been very apologetic since. All the same i don't think he really appreciates how it feels and also expects it to be resolved sooner than is realistic. Something that continues to gripe at me is his saying that once it went past kissing he knew he would get into trouble...i infer he thought hed make the most of it therefore rather than stop so as to not make things even more painful! Quite how youd enjoy it rather than just feel guilty i dont know..
I do believe that it was just the once. It could be interesting to see if their stories tally or if there are some white lies in there about how it happened but i think he has told me the truth, eg admitting he kissed her first when if lying would have said she'd started it, etc. I would like to know what he said to her and whether he had seemed flirty earlier in the evening. I'm not sure that it would be the best idea on the night though, it could stir emotions up more plus I'd rather spend as little time as possible with her, her original fault or not.
Thanks for your ideas :) I plan to get dressed up and try to ignore any negative thoughts and be as friendly etc to his friends as possible. Probably putting too much on one night, but maybe it'll help me to feel more confident to stay with him if it goes well, alternatively maybe it'll give me enough reason to feel i'm right in giving up our plans if it goes horribly.
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 December 2009):
Sweetheart I don't think there is any magic words or advice that is going to make you feel better about this situation.
I think your bf is damn lucky you decided to give him a second chance but does he know that you are not likely to make that exception ever again?
Did he ever apologise for what he did either?
I think the fact that his cheating only took place 2 months ago and he thinks it is going to be fine with both in the same room or venue, does seem as though he is kidding himself.
You have every right to feel nervous, angry and curious - all 3 in my opinion.
However, you need to arm yourself with plenty of your friend's and if you see her aiming in his direction, make sure you are on his arm and she knows that he is YOURS. It really does depend on how much this relationship means to you and whether he truly is worth it in all honesty.
On the other hand you could take the bull by the horns and ask her outright what she thought she was playing out with sleeping with him in the first place or what did he say to get her to sleep with him? At least in that way you may find out the truth as you have ONLY ever heard his side of the story and you don't know if he has seen her more than once or since for that matter?
I think you need to get to the truth and this could be your opportunity.
I think you need to pamper yourself on the day of the party as well and you will feel a million dollars believe me. Get your moral support from close friend's so that you do not feel alone at this party and your bf will be thinking he needs to be on his best behaviour because apart from anything else your friend's will be looking out for you and he is treading on very thin ice but I don't think he realises that right now. I think he thinks he has won you over completely and that is something that just isn't true.
You are still hurting and feel very vunerable so he needs to step up to the plate and if he cares for you as much as he has lead you to believe, he will HAVE to prove it to you.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (8 December 2009):
What you need to do girl is look absolutely stunning!! You need to have your hair, make up and nails sorted- basically you need to look like a million bucks. You need to tell yourself how fabulous you are so that it shines through to her, your boyfriend and everyone there. Also, try and invite a friend of yours to also attend so that you have someone there to talk to and not look lost for those moments he might talk to her. Be gracious to her which will show her she doesnt have any power over you. If you are mean to her or over-ignore her she will see herself as an effective threat.. So you need to balance your attitude to her: gracious indifference basically. Actually, if I was you, I would be hoping she comes so I can show how her how hott I am!!! And don't you dare salvage her conscience; that's not your problem.
Another thing, don't tell yourself that there must be something special about her that made your man go for her.... As much as you are putting yourself down, imagine how she feels that I put out for this guy and I am still not good enough for him to leave his girl!!!! As much as you are insecure about her, she feels worse and is probably wondering if it was her gigantic boobs he didn't like ;-) Enjoy!!!
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Your boyfriend needs to politely back out of this birthday thing so the two of you can continue to rebuild your relationship. This situation is still too raw and painful for you and you shouldn't be forced to be in the same space with this girl and act like everything's okay. He's the one that messed things up and if your relationship is important to him, he should be willing to accommodate you on this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
This requires the British Stiff upper lip. Yes, she will be there, yes, she is still interested in him otherwise she would not have sent him that text, yes she will go out of her way to talk to him. So be a lady, be very careful how much you drink and smile and nod and right times. Stay away from her but also don't cling to your boyfriend, or it will look worse for you. But this, rather than being a total nightmare, will be a good indication of how he feels about her. You're not over the cheating, I know, and I have to say you're a saint for taking him back. So keep an eye on him from afar, but give him enough space to talk to other people. You don't want to look clingy. And as for not looking beautiful, you'll be perfect. Because you're better than her :) and you need to believe that. Be a lady, nothing less and move through the evening gracefully, because if you don't you'll look far worse than her. And again, maybe limit yourself to two or three drinks, so you know what you're saying.
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