A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:A couple of months ago my boyfriend slept with someone else out of the blue... complete surprise and never thought he would ever do anything like that.Have been trying to move on - with him - trying couples counselling. Feel some issues are resolved but what i'm finding it hard to move on from is that he didn't care about me getting hurt and he assumed i'd take him back.He's said he'd never do it again... not really enough since i never thought he would and now i know he's capable of it. I guess I'm scared of doing the wrong thing because i really valued what we had (although this undermines it) and we planned to live together in march 2010 and then move to new city together in future. I guess i don't want to throw that away over one night... but it's one night that goes completely against what i believe in, shows no value or respect for me and is something i cant get my head around. She was nothing special but even if she was gods gift... we'd had sex that afternoon but even if it had been 3 months without sex due to being apart or something... i just cant get my head around how you can do that to someone you claim to love. Or even if you didnt love them...its just horrible!Anyway... I just dont know what to do. Don't want to do the wrong thing. He also seems somewhat depressed and i dont know if thats got anything to do with it. I also think taking a break might help but its so difficult with it being christmas and family asking about it - we're not close enough for me to feel comfortable talking about it. And then if i take new job to live with him need to accept it within next month or so but then dont know if its right. argh-help! Tips on how to move on be that with or without him?
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 December 2009):
 To a certain degree I have to actually agree with Ask oldersister in regard to the fact that this is a bf and not a husband so there is no actual commitment between the two of you and I didn't realise the level of contact/seeing one another.
So in a sense it is a long distance relationship which is hard for anyone to deal with.
However, that does not give him the right to have the whilst the cats away, the mice will play sense of reality.
Cheating is just that, cheating and the broken trust is the hardest thing to deal with. Regaining what you once had is NEVER going to be easy and for us the couple counselling made us realise that what we wanted out of life was actually completely different.
However, we did get to the point of feeling counselled out and I think it was me who pulled the plug in the end.
It wasn't until we decided to try and make it work ourselves and going out on a rare day out as a family and my ex shouting at our little 3 year old that I realised it was the final nail in the coffin and I could not allow our child to grow up in this environment and the decision was so much easier as she actually gave me the inner strength to say - no more. We actually then agreed it was the right decision the next morning which I didn't actually think would happen as we used to normally go to bed and wake up and think, no lets move on but it was different that time and I know for sure it was the right decision.
Yes your bf can tell you everything he thinks you want to hear, i.e. of course I would take you back if you did it to me, but that really isn't true as a man having another man's woman is a serious taboo in a man's eyes, well a lot of men, not all I will grant you but he is definitely going to say of course to anything you asked of him right now as he is treading serious water at the moment and he daren't say anything that might rock the boat.
If you want to move back to that city then you should do it for YOU and no one else, not your friend's and certainly not him, you have the make the decision for you and if you are not ready to move on from your current job, then you shouldn't be made to feel you should.
Giving each other the relevant space may show you whether you can actually trust him or not, if he loves you that much why could he not move to your city instead? Has that question ever been brought up instead?
Only you can know what is right for you but I do think you will constantly be looking over your shoulder with this guy but give your Relate session a go and see how you feel after that and let us know eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (8 December 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. Guess i was a bit brief...um been together 3 years, yes he used a condom, he was very sure of that which made me realise he cant have been as drunk as he claimed (v no kids mentality)He says hed take me back were i to do it (of course hed say that you may say) but he says he thinks hed deserve someone to do that. I pointed out i thought that was ridiculous and asked if that was how he viewed me then, as being with someone who cheated was the best i could hope for..Sex life pretty good aside from living in different cities and only seeing each other each weekend hence limited to that. If anything i have the higher sex drive usually so i dont think quantity has been too much of an issue and still liven it us so id like to think quality isnt either!The different cities is why the job thing is important, i would like that job but then dont want to leave my current job early solely for that job, but if it had other bonuses too then i would...it would also be handy for seeing friends as they mostly live in that city (where i used to live too).I'm going for an individual session with relate this weekend, we've had about 4 sessions together i think. I think he might benefit from one too to help him sort his head out..I guess what i'm asking is i want to be able to move on from this. Normally i am a second chance kind of person with minor things but never thought i could be with this. I suppose i'd like a way to put this behind me and it no longer affect our relationship too much - but looking for some guarantee that its worth it, which of course no one else can give! Alternatively splitting up may be the answer but for so many good times and things between us and so much planned for the future its hard to do that when its something somewhat out of the blue. Difficult times :s
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): when a man is in love with his girl/wife no one can take him. he is a cheat and has proved himself so. when a relationship is right, there is no need for counselling to try and save it.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (8 December 2009):
OK well I think you need to continue with the couple counselling if my personal opinion and what I think is also important is the fact that you both seem to have your own issues as well. Most certainly your boyfriend it seems and I think the trust issue is something that just isn't going to put itself right over night.
I went through exactly the same situation but my ex wasn't with someone for just ONE night, is that definite btw or could it have been more than just that one time.
BTW how did you find out about him cheating in the first place, did he confess or did you find out for yourself?
I think taking drastic steps to change your life and move in with him may be something you need to think about a bit more than in March 2010. I realise you need to sort out the job aspect but there is nothing to say that you could not find a job to start about that time and then decide you don't want to take it up, life can serve you up a few curve balls sometimes.
The fact that it has been a couple of months and you are trying to do everything to rectify it seems as though these problems run a little deeper than first envisaged. The fact that your bf has not openly talked about how he just expected you to take him back, seems as though that is an issue that needs to be addressed before there is any chance of moving forward. I don't personally see that he has acknowledged how much he hurt you and given you the explanation as to why he did it in the first place.
If he was looking to try out a new sexual experience, then at least be honest about it.
Was your sex life - good when you had it with him before all of this happened?
Have you considered or done any tests on yourself or has your bf had any tests either since this happened?
I am not trying to alarm you but I think you need to have total peace of mind in all of this. Was a condom used, has that been discussed at all?
Was he drunk when he did it or how did he meet this person in the first place?
How would he feel if you had done the same thing to him? Has that been discussed at all?
How many sessions have you had within couple counselling out of curiosity?
Have you been with your bf very long btw?
Would be interested in some of your answers as I went through Relate, Individual Counselling and Couple Counselling with my now ex so do understand where you are coming from.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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