A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Im ten weeks pregnant. Im not in a relationship with the father, I was seeing him for a short while but it was never serious. However, he is happy about it and says he will support me and the child. I know he will be a good dad. The only thing that is bugging me is that while im sat at home on a saturday night, he is still going out and pulling other girls and sleeping with them. I cant really tell him to stop it because we are not in a relationship but I find it really disrespectful to me. Especially as my friends are seeing him do this and are reporting back to me. Ive had a horrible time being pregnant, really bad morning sickness, blackouts and tired all the time which I know is to be expected but he doesnt seem to care. Ive also had a nightmare trying to find somewhere to live as I cant stay in my current home (houseshare) with a child. So Ive been really stressed but he just goes out nearly every weekend getting wasted with money I think he should be saving to help me buy the baby things. Ive sent him a snotty text saying unless he grows up and starts supporting me properly he can just leave me alone. He hasnt even replied. He also wants to be at the birth but I dont see why he should be there when he's not there for me now. Am I dealing with this situation properly? Im 24 and he is 30.
View related questions:
money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 If a car and bike collide head on, then both are equally responsible. But the car driver walks away without a scratch. The biker...
Guess who you are. You drove your bike straight into a car because you believed the car driver told the truth that he was driving the car on a different road. (really, infertile from a drug? What drug is it? And does it magically stop STD's?) and you didn't wear protection.
So, you are pregnant.
Stop finding excuses for yourself or him and get your housing sorted out, tell your family, and sort out your finances for the next 18 years.
There is no shame in being a single mother, you can be an excellent parent and your child can grow up wonderfully but it is YOU who has to do it. That tiny life inside of you is absolutely completely and totally dependant on YOU for the next 2 decades.
And a girl who falls for silly lines by guys who don't want to wear a condom will be a lousy mother.
But a woman who makes the choice to face up for the consequences of her actions, she might just grow up fast enough to be a good mother.
You need your housing sorted, moving with a bloated stomach will be hard and there is always more work in moving and furnishing then you think. So, do that as fast as possible.
Contact your family. You are going to need support. Babies are expensive and if you got to work you might need babysitters in the near future. You can also get 2nd hand clothes and people helping out with decorating your new home. Family is about helping each other, there is no shame in asking for help, there is shame in foolish misplaced pride.
Sort this guy out. Make the rules very clear. He pays, NOW, for the kid or he can sign away his rights. You do NOT have time for him to make up his mind and since he hasn't yet made it up, i think he WILL do a runner sooner or later.
And please, if you have a daughter, raise her well, but for god sakes, explain to her about the births, the bees and guys who lie to not have to wear a condom.
"but it doesn't feel as good with condom", has only one answer "it feels better then not doing it all".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes we have met up lots and had lots of talks. It is our first child for both of us. At first I did not want to go ahead with having it but he told me he was happy and would support me all the way. And in other ways he has been great, meeting me and often phoning me to see if im ok. I cant stop him from going out and I know that. I just feel a bit annoyed that while Im dealing with this he wants to sleep with other women.
The only reason I am annoyed at the other posters answer is becasue she has implied that this is an unwanted pregnancy and that its 'all the girls fault' for getting pregnant and 'creating my own situation'. I think that some people forget that it is both the man and woman's responsibility for using contraception. I have posted my question because I need advice. I already feel apprehensive and a bit ashamed at the fact that Im going to be a single mother, hence the fact that I posted this anonymously. I have not even spoke to my friends and family about this. They obviously know Im pregnant but do not know how I feel about the father being the way he is. Ive often answered other posters questions about pregnancy and have noticed that in nearly all of them someone mentions about not using contraception. Well, now Im in that postition and I can tell you that it really is the last thing people want to hear when your in that situation. Yes I think some people do get pregnant on purpose or some people are irresponsible with contraception. But he told me he was infertile and I had no reason not to believe him. It's not like Ive only just met him either, we had been friends for years.
So thanks for everyone who has posted good advice on here. I posted the question because I needed advice on how to deal with the situation, not for people to make me feel bad because I did not use contraception and because I have not considered a termination.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Your feelings are understandable, the problem for us giving advice is that there's not a whole lot you can do to change the reason you have them. Have you had an actual face-to-face meeting with him since you found out about the pregnancy?
He sounds like a party guy, sleeping with as many women as he can and drinking a lot--I expect he figures having a child in the picture won't slow him down much. He probably figures that you're the one who's pregnant, and since you're not in a relationship, he doesn't owe you anything at this point. Maybe when the baby is born, you'll get some money from him? Does he have other children out there already? I wouldn't be surprised if he did.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament, with an absentee father, but there's not much we can tell you to get him to step up. I think you're going to have to learn to ignore his antics, and instead focus on preparing for the baby. Make sure you get child support from him sorted out now, so that isn't something you have to chase down later.
Get yourself checked for STDs too; some can be transmitted to the baby at childbirth. Tell the OB/GYN that you've been with a man who engages in a lot of unprotected sex--there are things to look out for.
You have to understand that we see a lot of questions here from girls who think they might be pregnant--they're generally having unprotected sex--so sometimes the exasperation we aunts feel gets expressed. There's no need for hostility or snarkiness on anyone's part, okay?
Good luck. I hope you get everything sorted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont need people like you with your opionis. Yes I asked for advice. You havent given it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis isnt beliefs you silly old woman. Go away. At the moment
...............................
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 So, you haven't heard of having an unwanted pregnancy terminated? Or are you religious and don't believe in termination, but you do believe in casual sex? I'm not being deliberately critical, but you asked for peoples opinions and advice, and my advice is that you created your own situation so you shouldn't blame him for it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, in my defense, it takes two to make a child and he also told me he was infertile because he was on drugs for a condition that he has which can cause infertility. So Janey really maybe it should be me wishing I had never clapped eyes on him but whats done is done and Im not going to be made to feel bad by people like you, who is obviously only on here to critise people with your harsh comments rather than give good advice like the others have.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (6 October 2009):
Did you ask him if he wanted to be a father before you allowed yourself to become pregnant? Did you ask him if he could afford to raise a child? Did you ask him if he wanted you to be the mother of his children? Did you consider him at all? Or the child? You should be grateful he even speaks to you, most men would just be wishing they'd never clapped eyes on you. Becoming pregnant to someone who you are not in a committed relationship with is just downright selfish, so maybe consider that when you're sitting home on a Saturday night swimming around in self pity.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 October 2009):
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm araid though that since you're not in a relatioship, you've got to be stong and take it. He isn't tied to you, and unfortunately, he's not the one who has to shoulder the burdon of pregnancy. You do need to stay in contact with him. He won't reply to the snotty texts, simply because he isn't all that bothered. Just hope that he keeps his word about support, otherwise you'll have to take him to court. And you don't have to have him at the birth, so suggest that if he wants to be there, he sets up some sort of trust fund for the baby? Or at least starts to buy things. It's blackmail, but hey, you're preganant and he needs to pull his weight to make sure this baby is provided for.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (5 October 2009):
You are 24. Old enough I think to be told a little secret.
Live ain't fair.
Women get pregnant, men don't.
You are a single mother to be, with a deadbeat father who wants the perks but none of the hardships. Sucks to be you, but nobody forced you to have unprotective sex with a guy who wasn't willing to commit.
Are you dealing with this properly? Not really, I get the feeling you are not dealing with this at all.
You are a SINGLE mother, they do not get someone to rub their feet or hold their hair back when they are throwing up. What they do get is dead beat fathers who think parenting is giving the kids nikees when they need glasses.
Arrange for child support, ON PAPER or get him out of your life.
Sorry to be harsh kid, but a 24 year old woman really should have more smarts then this.
You got some growing up to do. And lesson one:
Guys like this don't make good dads. Dads marry the mother or at least are around one way or another.
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Ok, he is not in a relationship with you so he can do whatever he wants, and you are going to have to suck it up and live with it. However, it is in your best interest to maintain diplomacy between you and him because he is the father and you are going to have to get child support money from him. In other words, stop the snotty texts. It will only hurt your situation. Unfortunately, you are not in any place to call many shots here, except to take him to court if he refuses to properly support you.
...............................
|
