A
male
age
30-35,
*ndreC.
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and am almost back from a one year long distance relationship. What is bothering me is that all of a sudden she started to talk about the future and how things are going to change once she starts school(LIVING WITH THREE GIRLS). She started to say that I can't expect to talk to her everytime she has time to talk she said that she is going to be going out with her friends for dinner once in a while. She also started to say that she can't talk to me on the phone when she is studying and I can't see her because I am going to be working and she is going to be at school which is an hour and a half away. Now what is bothering me is that to me it seems like she is saying all this to prepare me for what is coming up and also for me not to get mad when I get ignored.I do not want to feel like the third wheel or someone that she is going to call whenever her friends aren't around to talk to. She didn't have a problem calling me before but now she does cause she says that it didn't work out for her too well so she can't be studying and talk to me cause I think that it's just an excuse for not wanting to talk to me. Please help me, what do you think? PLEASE HELP
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x  +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Seen as all the people to respond to this are males, I thought I should give my opinion.
I've been in a very similar situation, but I never intended to dump my boyfriend, and I'm still with him.
I think sometimes guys can read too deeply into what we're saying, sometimes we do say exactly what we mean.
Yeah, these men could be right, she could be making preparations before she dumps you. But on the other hand, she just might need space.
About the seeing friends thing, well, some girls really do need their mates sometimes, and when you're in a relationship you tend to break off from a lot of them, less time with them etc, then when your friends go out and stop inviting you, you feel really left out. This may be the case with your girlfriend and she could be trying to get some of her old friendships back.
While you were apart, she probably felt lost, and if she HAD broken away slightly from friendships, she would have had pretty much nobody, which is why she might be trying to repair that now.
But then again, these guys giving their opinions could be right.
There's some other things you'd need to know before you started making assumptions though.
I know from personal experience, when your long term boyfriend starts assuming you're going to dump him and "beats you to it", it hurts.
Good luck with way though.
xx
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (17 August 2007):
Again, what the other two guys said. Basically she is saying she doesn't have time for you when you should be an important part of her life. I mean, you proposed to her and then she says something like this?Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like she's taking advantage of the fact thatyou proposed and will be there. She might even be thinking that since she is starting college she can get a fresh new start with someone else, but you're in her back pocket. Again, maybe I'm wrong, but from what I see on this page, this is how it looks. In fact it could even look like you proposed to her to keep her with you while you're away from each other. In any case, with her going to college now anyway, this is no time to be thinking about marriage. You're both young and maturing. In four to five years, you may not even recognize each other's personalities any more.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Listen to Danielepew on this. He has got the right idea.
She did not cry because you misunderstood...she cried becuase she GOT CAUGHT, and is not in total control of you, and is using crying to manipulate you into feeling bad for seeing the situation for what it is.
-Frank B Kermit
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 André, you've been asking questions for a long time, since you are away from your girlfriend. I don't think that a person whose relationship were going smooth would ask questions about it, in the tone and about the issues you discuss. So, my take is, there are problems indeed.
We, the three men who answered your question (by the way, all males), all agree on one point: she was letting you know she would dump you. Of course, we base our opinion on how you word the question. The key here, then, is whether you gave us the right information.
Maybe you failed to notice a few things, but you cannot miss the facts. A fact is, she said she'd be somewhat unavailable. And she is saying this to you now that you're returning to Canada. If my girl had been away for one year and she were returning, I would want to see her often; but, instead, she says you won't see her "all the time". Maybe it's that she wants some time alone, but, in any case, it doesn't sound good.
You were away from one year. Women have every right to study and work hard for their careers, right, just like a man does. But, if you take her words to mean she'll be absorbed in her studies for the first year, then that means you'll be away from each other another year. That doesn't sound good, either.
Like you said, if she will have time to see her friends once or twice a week, would it be too much if she could spare a day for you? Say, see her friends ONE day less every week? Aren't these the friends she is going to be roommates with?
I'm afraid that she realized she was not going to have it easy. This is her crying.
Whatever the situation, even if you misunderstood her, et cetera, now you can't go back, man. Nor would I, if I were you. How can you tell her that, all right, you'll be available whenever she wants to, but she, in turn, can be unavailable all the time? Are her friends more important than you are? Of course I don't mean that you should monopolize her time, but, she should be willing to give you some. What about you? Are you not going to college? Don't you have your own activities yourself? But, I bet you'd give her some time in the week, at the very least.
What's done is done. And well done, man.
...............................
A
male
reader, AndreC. +, writes (16 August 2007):
AndreC. is verified as being by the original poster of the question We talked about it and she said that by the phone she means holding it she said that on the computer on mic is better.I told her that if she starts ignoring me that i wont hesitate to dump her she almost started crying.Im starting to think that maybe i took what she said that wrong way she said taht she was saying that not to say that she wants to ignore me but because this year for her in university is very important to her and she wants to get into vet college and wants to work hard at it.Does this make the whole situation sound different??I mean i will be seeing her on weekends and also I will be coming up 2 see her once in awhile I cant see her actually wanting to break up with me i think she was just saying how nervous she going to be that she wont be able 2 talk to me all the time but i guess u guys are right couple fight for more time not less time which is weird.but i mean her saying that she going to go out with her 3 roomates for dinner once in awhile is fine i think its expected but then i asked her but if u have time to go out to dinner with your friends 1-2 times a week then how can it be that you do not have time to talk to me I think I might have taken everything the wrong way what do you guys think?And also i recently asked her to marry me añd she said yes so since she said yes why would she ever want to break up with me i cant see her breaking up with me since we have been apart for a year and we have gotten threw it why would she want to go through it if she was thinking of breaking up with me?I think taht I might have took ~it the wrong way or didnt give enough detail post what you think thanks!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 August 2007):
Frank is right: she's obviously telling you she'll dump you. The worst part here is, you're expected to act as if nothing were happening. I say, don't wait for her to "officially" give you the bad news. If I were you, I wouldn't try to get her back, as it seems useless.
You'll be back in your feet in no time.
...............................
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (16 August 2007):
Yeah, she is foreshadowing the end. She sounds like she's trying to get high and mighty and you have to realize that maybe she "ain't all that."
Sounds like she wants to explore and do her own thing, which sucks since you've been putting up with long distance for a year. Let her know that it sucks, but that you don't need her anyway if that's how she will be. Because afterall, you don't need her if that's how she will be.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (16 August 2007):
Start seeing other people, and build up your own social circle of friends and other girls to date. Basically, she is telling you that she intends to end it with you.
When couples are serious, they fight to spend MORE time together, not less time. She is fighting for less time. Start looking to replace her so that when she leaves for school, you will have a replacement girlfriend.
-Frank B Kermit
...............................
|
