A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am horrified to find my fiance has been using aliases to make dates with me on chat sites. When he found my first profile i changed it. Somehow he found my other and strung me along. I am livid. How dare he! I feel invaded, he is pathetic. Sad man doesnt want me having friends. I am single on my profiles as we dont live together,and isnt that what you fill on forms if you dont live with your partner? I invested 4 years into our relationship,yet he thinks he can just end it like that. He says an apology is out of the question.All i do is flirt and talk sexy for harmless fun. Yet he see`s it as cheating. Would you agree he mustnt have really loved me in the first place? This is just an excuse because he`s must have a secret woman? Since he caught me almost 2 years ago he has shown no trust in me. Never gives me the benefit of doubt.Am i mad to be with such a sad man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): You say that you were just flirting, but I think what you did is more like cheating. Therre is also harmless flirting that makes people feel good about themselves. My wife and I both used to do this many years ago. The type of flirting that we did was with people who we both knew or flirting with a close friend. We both find this type of flirting harmless. It makes those involved feel attractive, but everyone knows that the attraction stops at the flirting stage. We did it when alone and when we were together with others. My first wife and I did the same thing and it never bothered us. However, going on dating sites is more like looking for a real relationship with someone new. I think that if my wife or I did this that the other would look upon it as trying to set up a relationship to cheat. Flirting with strangers is perceived as much different then flirting with a close friend to make each other feel attractive.
I basically agree with the others have said as to what you are doing. I doubt that he has a secret woman. You probably just waht to think that because you want to feel that you did nothing wrong and you need to think that this is all his fault.
The question that I have to ask is why did you feel the need to flirt on dating sites? Was it because he didn't make you feel wanted and attractive? Was it because you have had some bad relationships in the past and this has made you feel unwanted and unattractive? If this is the case then i can understand why you felt that you needed other men to want you. However, doing what you did would be expected to hurt his feelings and his trust. If you needed the attention of other men to make you feel good about yourself then perhaps you shouldn't have gotten engaged when you did. Perhaps you should have palyed the field some more. My wife and I both did that after our divorces from our first spouses. We were both looking for affection from others. It was several years later that we started living together and then got married.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
I always say that if your in a situation you canot understand swap places with that person, Put yourself in there shoes. You say since he caught me nearly 2yrs ago he shows no trust in you, If this was the other way round and it had been him, Would you have felt total trust be able to go home and feel secure and comfortable in your relationship together...You said my fiance, You have got engaged thats a commitment to someone so your not single. If he had another woman he would hardly be worried enough to look for you his woman on dating sites to obviously set his mind straight, Ok its not maybe the best way to go about things maybe 2yrs ago should have been the best time to sit and talk about how he really felt and for you to understand his concerns as not only has he got to go home wondering and thinking whats going on in your mind, From what you have said things can not have been worked out properly as I would have thought he would have made it clear he didnt like this as you say he felt it was cheating. He must have felt terrible going home knowing his fiance was flirting and talking with other men, How would you feel if it was him doing it? You say if you dont live with someone your single I dont believe this to be true hunny your in a relationship your saying to others on this dating site you are free to date, That is how your fiance would have seen this and it must have hurt him.
I think he did love you but he had to do this for his own peace of mind its just a shame you both couldnt have talked along time ago, I wouldnt like my fiance to go on dating sites it would mean he is putting himself out there for the taking and that shows no respect for your partner.
I dont think he is a sad pathetic man I think he just wanted reassurance that you were true to him and thats the sad part about all this trouble, I am sorry its ended this way for you as I believe you felt you were doing no wrong as you couldnt see it from his point and that happens so often in life, I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes so I dont hurt there feelings as in the end your only hurting yourself. TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): This kind of behavior of yours hurts like hell. I HAD to leave my fiancé of more than two years to whom I finally selected to give my virginity to at 31! because from the night to the day he started on Myspace and then Friendorama and then Facebook, Christianmingle, you name it. And he signed as single when we were engaged and the option: "in a relationship" was available. After six months I have not been able to fully recover from the hurt and rejection. I really don't understand why you are so peacefully sabotaging your relatioship. Because I think deep inside you feel he was going to reject you because you feel unworthy of being happy and then you tried to reject him first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I had a go on these dating sites out of curiosity. If i would have been in a relationship my mind would have told me its wrong. I can only imagine that should you one day meet someone you love you will develope a comscience. You need to let your fiance go. Thats if he doesnt get so fed up he finds someone else. Will you then feel life is unfair?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I had a go on these dating sites out of curiosity. If i would have been in a relationship my mind would have told me its wrong. I can only imagine that should you one day meet someone you love you will develope a comscience. You need to let your fiance go. Thats if he doesnt get so fed up he finds someone else. Will you then feel life is unfair?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I totally agree with all the others here, this is not harmless fun! It hurts and it is not something you engage in a healthy relationship........now I am struck by the advise being so consistent for this particular question as it isn't nearly as consistent when a man poses the same question..why is that? Are we still that sexist?
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female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (29 December 2007):
 If my other half was going on dating sites, saying they were single and talking sexy to others, I'd probably not trust them neither. It's hard to trust someone like that. Your fiance don't deserve someone like that, he needs someone that respects his feelings and cherishes the relationship quite a bit more. If this guy really IS your fiance, you are far from single.
You say he doesn't want you having friends. I would think this is because of you wanting to talk sexy to others, right? Why in the world would someone want their others to have friends if that's how they treated them.
You should just get rid of your fiance and let him find someone better and then you can go and find ALL the friends you want and he wouldn't have to be stuck in all this anymore.
Good Luck!!! Hope you make a wise decision...
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female
reader, loops +, writes (29 December 2007):
Im sorry but I agree with your fiancee, best thing to do in such situations is put yourself in the other persons shoes.If my boyfriend had himself down as single on dating sites Id be livid. I agree with mama2three it may seem like harmless fun to you, but to your fiance it is you going on sating sites pretending he doesnt exsist and flirting with blokes, which from where I am standing is exactly what your doing.Whatever your reasons if your still feeling the need to go on dating sites when you have a bloke willing to commit to you there is something wrong with your relationship.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I think u are completely in the wrong. You cant claim to be single if u have a partner and its stupid to go on dating sites if your soon to be married. If my GF did this i would be furious, its completely disrespectful. If u really love this guy why are u making 'secret' profiles for?! No wonder he doesn't trust u!Stop acting like a little schoolgirl that's looking for attention from guys!..its already too late for this relationship but if u continue like this i guarantee no guy will want to be with you!Sorry this sounds harsh but its the truth and i think its clearly time for a reality check!
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male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (29 December 2007):
 He says, he is your 'fiance' Do you or do you not think a female who is engaged is single.
When you declare single it means you are available. And to my knowledge in most of the dating sites there are options like, in a relationship or prefer not to say.
You have not been loyal to him in both letter and the spirit.
If you can not salvage this relationship, you will have to set up a new one but do not repeat the same mistake please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): You call it 'harmless fun', yet thats not an accurate name is it? I mean come on...its NOT harmless because it is hurting his feelings, so its not harmless and while it may be fun for you, its no fun for him. So sure it may cause no problems for you yourself, yet it does for him and when your PARTNER feels hurt by soemthing you do, it will effect you, so coincidently, in the end, it isnt harmless fun for you either is it?
If I was your partner I would be very hurt by finding how you act online. I would also not find it right that you have your status as single when you are in a relationship.
From what I know, most sites give you the option of saying you are either: single, swinger, married, in a relationship, diorced, widow...but somehow you think that because you dont live together it equals to you being single? ummmm dindt you say he was your finance? so it makes more sense you would be in a relationship, not single. I think he has a right to be upset baout that. And I think you know it, i dont beleivbe anyone could hoenstly justify listing themself as single if they are engaged! So you have to ask yourself, why do you want people to think you are single when you are clearly not? My guess is because you think that if you said you were in a relatioship you may not get as much attention...if this is ture then all I can say is you must have some deep insecurities to have to lok outside of your relationship for attention and for smoene to make you feel good about yourself.
I cant say whether or not he does or doesnt love you, but what I can say is that just because he doesnt trust you much and is upset by what you are donig and walks away, isnt enough for you to say he doesnt love you. Love doesnt mean you say in a relationship where you feel the other person is being disrespectful, and I think thats what he feels you may be doing. It is disrespectful.
Would you flirt so openly with a guy in public if your fiance was around? I bet you wouldnt would you? I mean why did you change your profile once he caught you? Why would you do that at all unless you had something to hide? Makes you sound suss if you ask me.
I hope you take a long hard look at what you are doing. Any guy who would tolerate such behaviour wouldnt be a decent guy himself and you would def have to expect a whole lot of crap back from him and little respect. So my advice to you, stop this is you want to save your relationship.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 December 2007):
 Sounds like you're denial and making excuses for yourself. I think your behavior is inappropriate, because you WEREN'T just looking for friends, you were talking sexy to strangers..the fact that you're going out of the relationship for sexual attention, even if you plan to not act on it, i would consider that mild cheating, and understand where your man was coming from.
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female
reader, LouLee +, writes (29 December 2007):
 Yes you're mad! lol If i was you i'd break up with him, tell him to get out of my life that way i wouldnt be cheating.....actually i have just scrolled up and and reread the word fiance...?? well this is a whole different story....he's your fiance yet you flirt and talk sexy to other guys?? But he may just be trying to find an excuse for you to break up, come on he's asking for it ?! x
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female
reader, mama2three +, writes (29 December 2007):
 Obviously this has been going on for awhile, so I think he probably has reason to be upset. Why do you go on these dating sites in the first place? Is there something lacking in the relationship? Isn't there an option on the sites that says you're only looking for friends, or that you are currently in a relationship?
I would get upset if I would have found one of my boyfriends doing this online. It may seem like harmless fun to you, but to the very fragile male ego, he sees it as a betrayal.
I don't know, I don't think you're crazy to be with him, but I do see his point, and I see how he could walk away if he feels he doesn't trust you. And if he's walking away because he doesn't trust you, he's actually doing both of you a big favor. You cannot have a relationship with someone if you don't trust them wholeheartedly!
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male
reader, Somethingeasy +, writes (29 December 2007):
 Its probally that he doesnt trust you
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