A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm kind of in a bind here and I need your take on this situation because it's not a black or white scenario. Several years back, my friend decided that he thought it would be fun if we all had a threesome with his then girlfriend. We decided to do it and it became a regular occurrence, about three to four times a year. I knew that this was a game changer when his girlfriend began calling me a lot suggesting that we hook up on our own once in a while, and this has happened. We have great chemistry together. What made this even more peculiar was the fact that her husband was aware that we talked a lot; he even joked about me "talking care" of her once in a while (??). At the same time, he was aware of our chemistry and expressed concerns about losing her.They are married now but the calling and flirting hasn't stopped at all. They're having some serious marital problems so she's been calling me and wanting attention more than ever, but her husband apparently doesn't give a $hit. It's almost as if he feels that if she cheats she'll do it with me - it's a set of circumstances he can control in an odd way. It's not like I want to date her and steal her away; however, the dynamic of this lecherous/amicable arrangement is pure fantasyland pleasure...it's not real. Doesn't he bear any responsibility for allowing this to happen?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Mooh.....no I don't, and there's isn't any drama. My point of contention is that this is starting to linger a bit too long. I've told him about my concern but he's either indifferent or lets my rant fall on deaf ears. Oh well...
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (16 August 2012):
What do you want? Do you want to carry a relationship with this wife or are you just on it for the threesome?
In any case, there seems to be unresolved issues between your friend and his wife, so they need to decide what they want to do. Do you want to be included in this love triangle/drama?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 This is unethical not because you are three people having sex with each other. It's unethical because two of youare going behind one persons back, lying to him. It is unethical because the husband did not agree to this. You didn't ask him. That's the moral standpoint, which sageoldguy was talking about. It's a very common standpoint to have, people rarely accept cheating. And threesomes, swinging etc. is not cheating. Hence you can't use that to your defence. You're going behind someones back and deliberately hurting them.
But then again, if he's not really that good of a friend of yours I would think much lower of his wife than I do of you. She's the one who took a promise to not edulge in such behaviour, not you.
I wouldn't have wanted to be in your shoes though, regardless of the pleasurable sex. Because at some point this is going to come crashing down, and you'll be dragged into a lot of drama. She's getting clingy now, when her marriage is going badly. Imagine how obsessed with you she'll be when her husband wants a divorce. She'll be on you non stop, with all the nagging, complaining etc that you don't want. And she'll feel like you owe it to her, since she "gave up her marriage for you" or something up the lines of that. Just a warning. You might want to quit while the game is still fun.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 August 2012):
OP, why not simply discuss it with your friend before this all blows up in your face? In arrangements like these communication is crucial because 'the rules' are gone. Ask your friend about the relationship with her and what he wishes from it. You need to know your place in this triangle, or at least know how he feels about it. Because if he's having second thoughts and his 'joking' is actually his way of telling you he wishes you'd back off, you getting close to his wife is going to ruin everything.
If I've learned one thing in my life, it's that people are emotional beings at heart and that when there are no rules and little communication, someone will get hurt. If you care about your friend, talk to him, get your facts straight and go from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, it's somewhat satisfying. You should try it some time. "Devoid of morals"....sure, when someone has given you carte blanch to indulge. Whatever. You need to learn to look at individual issues and incorporate a bit more critical thinking instead of looking at everything so black and white. Consensual threesome, swinging, etc......get it?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 August 2012):
 OP: You might be surprised that it's not 99% (or some other large portion) of the male population which is - like you - devoid of morals.....
I'm no Bible thumper.... (and) would be cited - in my life circles - as a pretty free-wheeling guy.... BUT I'm also adult enough to see just what YOU are looking for... and your reply does nothing to diminish the validity of what I wrote....
I hope you are finding your "arrangement" to be warm and satisfying. It's nothing like what I would want...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Sageoldguy1465......you can impart all the ethical and moral aspects of this conundrum to me all day long. It doesn't matter what your religious proclivity is and what not, but of course, if you're a single guy and some man in the past has condoned sharing his hot wife with you, don't give me some farcical line under the guise of ethics that you wouldn't continue sleeping with her if given the okay.
Unless you're a robot and devoid of testosterone, don't pee on my leg and tell me its' raining. 99% of men would follow thru on the offer if given the green light.......it's not rocket science.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 August 2012):
Ah okay. I'm just asking since most of the (at least female) mistresses are craving intimacy and have low self etseem, so low they don't think they can do better than a married man. They don't really want to be mistresses, they want him to leave his wife, and as such always get disappointed. Just making sure you are happy.
By the way, I would love it if you could tell the exact same to the man who wrote this question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ladies-why-date-a-man-first-if-he.html
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2012):
 I agree with Chigirl on this one.
All 3 of you are responsible for YOUR OWN actions. You know they are having problems, but you still do YOUR thing. It doesn't bother you that YOU might be part of the problem?
And as SVC said, maybe.. he is just waiting to drop the other shoe. Using her & your relationship as the reason to leave/end the marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl:
Yes, I am content. No nagging, whining, fighting, "when are you coming home" interrogations, money draining, high blood pressure, drinking, cheating, settling "for the sake of the relationship", paying someone else bills, etc. type of relationship to deal with on my end.
"..who wants YOU all the time...craves YOU...FIRST in someone's life..?.." Jeez! I'm not that insecure that I need to be loved and put on a pedal stool, validated by someone else. What a boring life that would, he? I am a pretty secure and content person....anything but needy, and that's why stuff gravitates my ;)
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reader, chigirl +, writes (15 August 2012):
I don't think her husband has any responsibility for what SHE and YOU decide to do. It's not as if he's forcing you, right? Passing blame is just another way of allowing yourself to continue with what you know isn't right.
Her husband and she are both responsible for their marriage. He is not responsible for her cheating.
What about you then? Are you fulfilled being the side dish? Don't you have needs of your own that a married lover can't satisfy? Such as commitment, love, dedication, time to be with you and being able to show it in public too? Couples vacations, family dinners, maybe eventually living together? Knowing that you have one person who loves only you? Don't you want that? Or is on and off sexual satisfaction really enough for you? Is it really enough for you that she only craves you when her marriage is going badly? Don't you want a woman who craves you all the time... Don't you want to come first in someones life? With her you come second. With her you're nothing but a fwb.
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reader, Bitterlysweet +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Of course he has to take some responsiblity for it. He was aware of this whole situation. He knew what was going on since day one. He knew his wife had a special thing for you. The thing here is, are you guys still having 3sums? Or is he still letting you "take care" of his wife? If the answer is no, then YOU as a friend should totally step aside because they're having problems in their marriage and you're noy helping at all. If you appreciate his friendship talk yo then both and let them know that you're stepping aside because you don't want to ruin their marriage.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Of course he does.
my story:
my (then) husband and I were in an "alternate lifestyle"
we had an open marriage and usually we played together. I allowed him over the years (no encouraged him) to seek other women due to his low self esteem and his need to have this attention... what it really was that he was unhappy in the marriage but too chicken to say anything.
cut to the chase in December 2010 I began a relationship with my (now) fiance with my husband's permission and approval....
By March of 2011 he was packing up and leaving... blaming it on me... but the truth is, I was willing to give up the relationship but he kept encouraging it so he had an "excuse" to leave the marriage....
just saying that maybe your friend is not as happy as he thinks... or pretends?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 August 2012):
All three of you are adults.... and, thereby, each of you is responsible for the moral/ethical/medical aspects of your behaviour....
I think I detect that you would like validation of taking up with this man's wife.... on the "grounds" that HE is somehow responsible for (or, contributed to) her's and your's unethical and immoral behaviour. Ain't gonna come from this Agony Uncle....
Good luck....
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (15 August 2012):
I bet he feels bad enough as it is. You are all responsible for what has been happening. I think it may have gone a lot further than he wishes it had. She calls you on her own volition, you entertain it. No he does not deserve 100% of the blame.
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