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writes: My ex-husband and I split up he reached the mid-life crisis and went to town, I mean the whole nine yards ....went on dating sites, new car, new clothes, abandoned his family after 21 years of marriage....he has never been the same again, needless to say he has made many enemies who hate him for what he did to us, in saying this these are the same people who told him you only live once they didnt think he would go so far , hes a stranger to me now :'( My question is he was coming by my house 7 months ago and just chilling with me and kids, well I found out he was dating one of the many on the dating sites I asked him and he went crazy denying everything!!!!!the woman was someone I went to school with lol, apparently he went by another name as he does with all these women on these sites hes John, Peter, Mike in so many cities I dont know how he keeps track..what happens to men like this I miss him he was such a good husband the best :( What happened to him???
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): After all the things he has done to you and not done, why would you want him back anyways? Can't hold a job!! don't support his children!! and on top of that he's a mommy little boy!! You're gonna hurt and you will get over it but sit down and think about it. He might be what you WANT but he's sure in the hell not what you NEED. I'm wondering if you have been the backbone in this marriage. Sounds like he's a free loader got his parents taking care of him and maybe these women from the internet are buying him all these nice things. You're not the only one to split after so many years together.You can't make him come back to you.... they say you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink... but I say different.... I say you can make him drink if you know how to make him thirsty...so I would make him thirsty first thing tomorrow morning by going to the court and make him pay child support!!!!! And file for my divorce without a doubt!!!!! Even if you took him back it wont be the same.
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male
reader, Bob Loblaw  +, writes (16 August 2012):
I still don't understand what you are really asking about. The man you describe is clearly being a deadbeat dad, and yet it sounds like you are letting him get away with that. I can't understand why you haven't created any consequences for his wayward behavior.At the very least you need to be getting some money from him. Your kids are his responsibility as well.As far as how he got this way, well, I notice that you haven't talked at all about what your life with him was really like in the previous 20 years. You say he was a good husband, but what does that mean in practical terms? If he has gone so far out of bounds with this mid-life crisis as you suggest, then there must have been some serious misunderstanding between you two in all that prior time. This doesn't just happen out of nowhere in a happy, healthy relationship. Surely there must have been some kind of warning signs? If not, then he may be suffering from some serious psychological issues that are well beyond your ability to fix.In that case, you have to decide what you want your life to be like. You can keep chasing after him, which is noble, but will likely lead you to a life of misery and disappointment. Or you can do what's truly best for you and your kids, and make yourself happy. It's your choice. Not his, yours.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 It's true you are in grief and that is understandable. Nobody is disputing the love you have for him and it is really painful to have that love destroyed.
I expect you have talked to him to try to convince him to come back and be a family again and I am also guessing he doesn't want to at this time.
It is admirable to wait for him, even if it's for the rest of your life with no guarantee that he will ever return, but the choice is yours of course.
There is an emphasis to move on these days, because life has changed, people have changed the way they live their lives and infidelity is on the rise (thanks to the internet, chat lines etc)years ago, if a woman was abandoned by her husband, she literally dissapeared from view, now women are more empowered and it is possible for them to go it alone and have a good life, the option is there to not have to tolerate a cheating husband who treats them badly and many women do choose a life for themselves rather than pine away their life in lost hope that their husband will come back.
Some do return, I hope your husband is one of them and that when he does return, he treats you better.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 August 2012):
What happened to him?...the internet happened to him. Maybe he was bored with the marriage but instead of turning to you and trying to work things out, he turned to the internet and decided to start playing games.
The internet has give millions of people the opportunity to meet many people they do not know from all over the country and sometimes in other countries. Conversations can be kept private and people can pretend to be whoever they want...and of course this is going to give people 'already in relationships' the opportunity to cheat.
There isn't much you can do. Perhaps in years to come, your husband will see he made a big mistake, but there is no guarantee. You could try talking to him and letting him know how you feel but until he comes down from the dream cloud, you are pretty much on your own and have to just focus on you and your kids.
It's not fair for him to think he can just drop by your house and 'chill' with the family 'like nothing happened, so you need to let him know that this is no longer possible all the while he is living his 'other life'. If you are cooking and cleaning up after him, you need to stop...it's not going to make him come back, it will only allow him to take advantage so it's time to remove the benefits of a 'wife'...because he isn't being a husband and he is disrespecting you.
I know your heart wants him back...but like this?...Nooo, he needs to realise the game has changed for you also and you are at liberty to turn your back on him and his unreasonable behaviour...maybe look to date yourself, treat yourself a little nicer, be good to you...because you matter and if this does lead to divorce, your healing should begin now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesnt pay for child support, he moved in with his parents, and doesnt hold a job, he doesnt have to his parents pay for everything...
And, he changed when I found out about his affair with one of the douchebags he found online, he wanted to start over but unfortunately the guilt and my pain might of been to much....
he was a really respectful guy now people just talk a about him, he even avoids social family gatherings due to all the talk..
And I dont understand how easy to say to someone move on, I loved him deeply for 25 yrs this is someone who I am grieving for and hes alive.....
thats whats wrong with the world today.....nothing is real, or solid sorry.... I understand thats the thinking of our cold world today... But thank you :(
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 August 2012):
 We cant tell you what happened I'm afraid, have you tried asking him? Perhaps if you explained to him that you understand the marriage is over but it would really help you to move on if he could explain what motivated him to change his life so drastically? If you approach it like that he is more likely to be honest with you and open up rather than get upset about you asking him.
At the end of the day some people reach a point in their lives where it dawns on them how unhappy they are, or how they have become a person they didnt want to be. Obviously your husband was very unhappy in his life and needed a massive change, it is very hurtful for you and the kids but he wont have taken this decision lightly, he must have really needed the change so you have to accept it unfortunately.
Try and talk to him and see if he can open up to you. If not, well you are just going to have to accept that he simply needed to change his life and unfortunately you were not part of that anymore. Try not to look back so
much and ask so many questions why, why doesnt get you very far as it always ends up with you blaming yourself and making yourself feel worse. Try and look to the future and work towards moving on, of course you will miss him but now you have to accept its over and get on with your own life.
Knowing the reason behind his mid life crisis isnt going to bring him back I'm afraid, so whether you get answers or not this is not going to bring your husband back. Try and look to the future and re-build your life without him.
Good luck!
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