A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. Prior to meeting me he had a 'sex-only' relationship with another girl for around 2 weeks. When he met me, this relationship was ended.I was a little insecure about this previous 'fling' and frequently asked him questions about the nature of this relationship. As time went on, it came to the surface that he had lied to me about 2 or 3 sexual things they did. However, he did tell me the truth in the end and although it was difficult, we got over these issues. Although almost a year has passed, I still find it difficult to imagine their relationship, as I have never experienced a 'sex-only' fling such as theirs. As a result, I still have the odd question or insecurity about the nature of it. Most notably about the intimacy levels. My boyfriend claiming there was zero intimacy and she would 'have been stupid to think otherwise'.However, recently I discovered messages between the two of them (during their 'fling') which proved otherwise. I'm not saying there were mentions of love, or loving feelings, but suggestions of the relationship being more than sex, and a level of intimacy my boyfriend had denied.I have not told my boyfriend I found these messages, and I have acted pretty normal for the past day or two. But I am harbouring pretty angry feelings toward him. I know he'll be extremely annoyed at me for finding these messages, and I know I shouldn't have been snooping. I do trust him, but his previous lies have made it difficult to trust his portrayal of this relationship, and I was proved correct. I love him enormously but I have no idea how to handle this situation.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 They were old messages. Your BF was saying whatever worked to get laid with his FWB. He might have felt more, she might have felt more. But NOTHING came of it.
And no, honey, you do NOT trust him. People who snoop do it for a reason. They hope to find (or not find) some kind of "proof" that the partner did wrong. If they find something then obviously they didn't snoop in vain, and if they don't.. they believe the partner hid it well or deleted things...
YOU have been with this guy for a WHOLE year. He was sleeping with her for 2 weeks? Can you see how ridiculous it is to keep going over his past? Are they still talking/texting?
You don't HAVE to know EVERY sordid detail from his last relationship/fling/FWB. Nor does he need all the details from YOUR past relationships.
There has to be a reason you feel so insecure about this. YOU need to figure out why.
Honestly, you should be glad that he was ready for a relationship when he met you. He didn't TREAT you like a hole in the mattress.
And if you can't let it go, I suggest you fess up and talk to your BF, instead of making all these assumptions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): You can't be angry at him because of his past, everybody has one. And you need to remember that YOU asked HIM about it, he wasn't rubbing anything in your face. I doubt he would have even told you anything had you not asked.
I'm guessing the reason he lied, or for the like of a more appropriate description "Withheld some details" is because it is not important to him anymore, and it shouldn't be important to you either.
What were you trying to achieve from all this? You have all the details you wanted about the situation now, yet all you've achieved is creating another problem - you're angry and doubtful of his honesty.
I think if the relationship is to stand a chance, you need to forget about all this now and don't even tell him you seen the messages between them. You said you trust him for the most part, so get on with the future and forget about the past, because you'll be going round in circles forever or until the relationship ends.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 August 2012):
 Explain to me why you care. Explain what it is about his previous relationship/fling that made you insecure. Was she better looking than you? Did they have amazing sex? Was she a circus artist that could bend her legs in ways you can't? What exactly makes you nervous? I don't see this as obvious at all, plenty of women are not at all insecure about their mans past. So why are you?
And why do you make it your business to know about his sex life before you? Shouldn't your nose be in your sex-life, the one you have together? Why does whatever he did with some other woman matter? You need to elaborte for us to understand. Whether they did missionary or doggy style, what does it matter to you?
You're fixating. There is no need for you to understand what he had with her. Just think of her as an ex. Even if you never had a relationship like theirs. It's not necessary for you to have experienced everything exactly the way he ever did. Or perhaps you are jealosu of his experience? Do you want to experience it for yourself, is that why you are so curious about it? I find it hard to believe any other reason to care the way you do. But like I said, do elaborate.
As for your "proof" of his intmacy levels with his ex. I don't know how to explain this to you, but you do NOT have the right to determine what is "intimate" or not for someone else. You can only determine that for YOU. So maybe YOU would have interpreted any message in such or such manner, given circumstances that YOU are imagining. But he, and this ex of his, had circumstance you can not imagine, as you yourself even said. He and his ex has feeling and emotions that DIFFER from yours. He and his ex are entitled to determine THEIR OWN relationship. You do not have that right. It is, in fact, very cruel to decide over someone elses head what he has or does not have with someone in terms of intimacy or emotions.
You don't get to decide what level of intimacy he and his ex had. They decided that, and he told you how he felt about it. It is quite frankly none of your business, and you are being rude to assume you can determine how he felt about her, especially when you know nothing about it and it has been several years ago. Exactly who do you think you are? A psychic that can read his mind and emotions?
The way to handle this situation is to acknowledge that you have an unhealthy fixation on his previous love affair. And this says a lot about you, and nothing at all about him. Work on it. Figure out why this relationship bothers you, and why you feel this way about it, and why you feel you have a need and a right to know every little detail about now only the physical aspect of their relationship, but also the emotional aspect.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (15 August 2012):
Lies undermine trust, so while you say you trust your boyfriend your actions indicate otherwise. You caught him in lies before when you asked about sexual acts, which led to you snooping, and now you have exposed more lies. Your snooping is also not an innocent act.
There are two issues I see which need to be worked on in this relationship.
The first is your boyfriend's past. If you cannot accept his past then it is best to end things now. A year has gone by and you're still uneasy about a 2 week fling he had. Your boyfriend cannot change his actions, he had the fling - you have to accept that. It is also obvious that he chooses to be with you, and that this other girl didn't mean much of anything to him. What you're feeling is retrograde jealousy, holding things against your boyfriend from the time before he was with you. Some people can work through this issue, and others can't. You'll have to assess your own feelings and see if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
The second issue is trust. You and your boyfriend have both broken each others trust. He has lied, and you snooped. I believe that a relationship cannot last without a solid foundation built on trust. The two of you need to discuss this issue and rededicate yourselves to being completely honest. If not, the relationship will continue to be dysfunctional... until it eventually collapses.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, I_Fade_Away +, writes (15 August 2012):
First off I want to say I know what your feeling and sorry your going through such emotions. Unless your bf still talks to this girl in such a way I don't think you have anything to worry about. If he was hiding something he wouldn't have told you about her in the first place. Perhaps he didn't mention the feelings because it was just flirting, I doubt that they actually liked each other sometimes people say thinks while flirting. He probably told you that it was nothing romantic because he didn't want to upset you or because he didn't think it was reverent. Honestly don't beat yourself up over it. It was in the past and it's over and done with. Now if he's still talking to her than you should worry but as of right now enjoy his company and that he loves you. If he wanted to be with this other girl, trust me he would. Don't sweat it sweetie :)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 August 2012):
 If you like this guy enough to have been hanging around together for "almost a year"..... isn't it time for you to drop your concerns about what happened prior to his meeting you?.....
If you can't or won't (drop the matter) then you may, plausibly, expect it to eat you up until you let it ruin the relationship which you have now....
Good luck....
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