A
female
age
26-29,
*elpWouldBeNice
writes:Before knowing my current boyfriend (lets call him S) I went to a party and kissed a guy who was way older than me, I was 16 he was 20. It was nothing else apart from a kiss, caused by being tipsy and 'lovin the single life' so yeah.. In my opinion, compared to the things girls are capable of doing at parties, this was practically nothing, but that's my opinion..I've been in a long distance relationship with S for a year now and it had always bothered him that a stranger at a party got to kiss me after 2 hours yet I didn't kiss him after knowing him for 3 months and meeting for two whole days. He feels like he isn't as good as the guy I kissed at the party because of this.Recently he started asking questions about the guy from the party e.g. whats his name, why did you go for him, how old was he etc. After S found out that the guy I kissed was 20 years old, he completely lost it. He started saying that he will never live up to being better than that guy as he is (now) 17 and can't do anything to be 'as good' as the 20 yr old. In a skype call he went into rage, calling me an average slut for kissing the party guy simply because he was older, but when it came to kissing S, I made him overall wait a week (we met twice one week apart between both meets before kissing).Our argument went on for hours, and to be exact around 8 hours... At first he started saying that I'm like every other party girl and said I have no self respect and that I'm worthless which was followed by extensive questioning of 'What was so much better about him than me?' Then followed by calm tears of S saying 'I know that you kissing a guy at a party isn't bad and that it's normal, but how am I supposed to feel good about myself if I know some other guy got you so easy when I had to put in so much care and effort into it beforehand.'This was followed by a lot of 'I know I shouldnt be mad and that I should get over it but for some reason I can't and it just causes me to hurt you all the time, we can't be happy being with each other with this constantly on my mind. You're not the cute, innocent girl I believed you to be' Tears and an agreement to have a 'break' from each other later, I'm here trying to figure out why this is constantly on my boyfriend's mind even though he knows it's irrational. Sorry if I'm being too vague here but after an overall 12 hour argument/discussion I'm tired.Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): The advice you are getting is that your BF is wrong and you might want to break up with him. It is well reasoned. So there is no rational reason for you to feel hurt and miss your BF, since you know logically that its best to move on. Does that make it easy for you to break up? No it does not. You would still feel very emotionally hurt and miss your BF. In the same way, your BF cannot turn off his hurt feelings about that kiss. This hurting him emotionally. His emotions will not obey him or listen to reason any more than yours will. Emotions just have to be dealt with. They cannot be controlled so easily. I am not telling you put up with a lot of crap from your BF about this. That kiss had nothing to do with him and he needs to come to grips with that. But I do suggest you try to understand why this bothers him. Most guys won't get upset about a mere kiss but the principle applies to other sexual acts too. You can't expect one guy to feel honored to work hard for something while you gave it away to another guy in a meaningless way.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Get out while you can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy..I think if I had the contents of that fight in 1 hour, let alone 8-12 hours, I would have been furious that someone tried to tear me down like that. He has no right. I have never heard of someone who is so volatile and moodswinging.
As everyone as mentioned here, he is INCREDIBLY insecure. The problem with people that are insecure is that they constantly seek assurance from others that they are of value even though they don't believe it themselves. It results in the other person having to jump through hoops upon hoops to try to get the other to feel good, only for the smallest thing to destroy the person. In this case S. is taking it to another, super unhealthy level by projecting this destruction onto you, trying to tear you down because of how cruddy he feels. He seems like someone who would become physically abusive if you were in the same town-a hothead? Check. Insecure? Check. Calling you names? Check. Possessive? Check. Jealous? Check. Angry? Check. This is someone who has years' worth of growing up and learning to do. Tell him it's over and hang up. It's not worth another minute of your time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 You can say to him " Bye bye, have a good life "
OP , when he called you an average slut, that was your clue to exit the scene left. He is very quick to resort to verbal abuse , and make drama over small stuff- imagine what would happen if you ever had some real bone of contention.
This guy is a very young RJ ( retrograde jealousy ) sufferer, and although he is more to be pitied than blamed like anybody with an OCD, RJ sufferers are quite a handful to deal with, and resistent to change . They never admit they have a problem, the problem is always you and your wanton ways, - and there's no way to reassure them or appease them, because even if you started wearing a burqa and eliminating all males from yor life from now on,... he does not care about " from now on " , it's the past that he won't let go of.
Plus, he is a dumb guy. He can't reason properly.
Let's say that your kissing a stranger at a party is a big trangression and a big mistake . Which is not; but HE thinks it was a mistake, something you should not have done.
Well, so if it was a mistake, why should you have strived to reproduce it ? Why should you have kissed HIM too after two hours. He should be happy that you are a sensible girl who, after kissing a stranger blah blah, the second time around decides to be less impulsive and to get the know the guy better before kissing him.
If you had absentmindedly "burned" a red light, hitting into the side of an incoming car, what is it, then, - do you have the duty to be absentminded also in future and burn all the red lights that you chance into ? ...
You have a soft spot for this guy , so you want to be patient, understanding and supportive- you want to " fix " him. But your patience and understanding are like pearls thrown to the swine , he can't appreciate them. And you can't fix him, nor it's your job : you aren't a shrink or a counselor. Or the Salvation Army. Your are not into the busisnes of fixing people. You business should be of being a happy, young, independent woman, who will kiss , or not kiss, whomever she sees fit in the time and circumstances she sees fit.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2016):
 Oh sweetie...this LDR Is so NOT worth your time or effort.
A. you are both too young to make an LDR work long term. (which one of you is moving and when would be my next question but if you are 18 and he's 17 then it's years away and college/uni is coming and people CHANGE
b. NO matter if you had slept with this guy slut shaming is a HUGE no no.... just because you did not exist in a bubble waiting for "mr right" does not mean you did anything wrong.
personally for me if he had started a skype fight about my kssing a boy before I KNEW him I would have said 'So NOT having this conversation call me when you are calm and rational" and I wold have gone to bed.
This is ONLY going to get worse.
consider that this will come to an end eventually... I suggest sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2016):
 Oh good grief!
You kissed a guy! and then your BF thinks it's OK to call you a slut? And to make you out to be some whore of Babylon?
First of all it happened BEFORE you met your BF, so in ALL respects none of his business. And certainly not anything you can change.
Your BF wants you to feel bad for having kissed a guy. He wants you to feel "dirty" - because now he feels the fantasy he build where HE is the prince charming and you the sleeping beauty has been shattered.
If I were you, I would break up with your BF. His immaturity and insecurities are HIS to fix. You can't do that, nor should you.
And kissing ONE guy when you were 16 DOES NOT make you a slut or a party girl.
Your BF has NO RIGHT to call you names and berate you over this. NO RIGHT. He doesn't OWN you. The fact that you USED more common sense when you two started to date (and didn't kiss him right away, just shows that you are learning to set some boundaries. WHICH is a good thing!)
He will NOT "get over" you having kissed someone else, and he will KEEP using it as ammo to make YOU feel bad. THAT is not a loving or respectful action. That is controlling and definitely in the range of retroactive jealousy. Which is a obsessive compulsive irrational behavior.
Sorry, honey, I'd make the break up permanent and find someone who doesn't live so far away. Someone you can get to know IN person and who can and will treat you with love, care and respect. This guy "S" isn't it.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (4 May 2016):
 This guy sounds seriously insecure. He, frankly, sounds like a hot mess.
Personally, I think this guy has no right to call you an "average slut", and berate you for 12 hours, tell you that you're easy, and that you OWE him sexual attention. To me, he sounds like a jerk.
You don't owe him anything. You are allowed to kiss a boy at a party on a whim. And you are allowed to take your time with a guy. You are not obligated to kiss every boy you are with right away because you did it once before. Please, don't let this guy make you feel guilty about that.
If your boyfriend is so wildly insecure that he's going to make YOU feel guilty for a 100% innocent act that had nothing to do with him, and guilt trip you with all this "you're not who I thought you were" crap. Who did he think you were? A untouched virgin in a tower? You kissed a guy once and suddenly his image of you is shattered? It's ridiculous.
I say cut him loose. He has a lot of growing up to do, and you certainly do not need to be there to facilitate it. In this situation, I don't see how a LDR can be truly successful - or at least, worth the time and energy that you're already putting into it. You sound like a solid young lady, who does not need a fella making you feel 'lesser than'.
Best of luck, sweetness.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 May 2016):
 S is at least a year younger than you. He is right that you will never see him as the exciting adventure an older Boy could be. He is right to re-evaluate the potential future of your relationship. He has no way to see into your heart and understand what is going on there. He lacks the experience to understand the very good reasons you had for your choices to kiss and not kiss.
Retroactive jealousy is the price he is paying for his decision to know your past. His brain knows it is irrational. His heart and a bit that is a bit lower don't agree with his brain.
Now that is what is going on. Here is the advice. You may feel based on this experience that you should not share your past in the future. That is not a good plan. The truth will come out and the deception is worse than the facts. You may feel that S is punishing you for your past. This is natural but not true or helpful. S is re-evaluating his image of you. He is deciding all over again if you two are compatible. You might not be. You may never respect someone younger than you enough to have a level, healthy relationship. He may never be able to accept the inequality of the past. Some people can't.
Hey that is why you were in a limited relationship, to see if it would work well. If it doesn't then you have saved yourself from a breakup in a more intimate relationship. That is how it is supposed to work.
Be patient , and be ready for some changes.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 It sounds like your boyfriend is very insecure. This should not be an argument in a relationship at all. The thing is you are both young, and to add to that this relationship is long distance, that usually makes things a lot more difficult because you cannot see each other whenever you want. This is not the kind of relationship someone with insecurities should have, you should trust each other completely. If it was me I would end this relationship and enjoy being young and single.
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