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female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes: I have this problem. I already had two boyfriends but I realized I really don't want one. I thought we would keep flirting like we always did and go on dates but my parents made that impossible and we had to sneak around. Which meant they promised me a movie but we ended up at his house only kissing. I wanted real dates but they said we couldn't afford it. So I paid and they STILL just wanted to kiss only!So I don't want a boyfriend I just want to go on dates and have a crush on someone. My female friends said, "what's the point of that?" Or, "that's why you need a boyfriend" when I asked why they said, "you just do" or they just laughed at me.But every time I get a crush on a guy and he finds out or likes me back I lose my crush. If he's taken or a celeb (so there's no risk) people say that pisses them off and I need a real boyfriend! Why am I just so wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): If those boys promised you a movie (or anything) and changed their mind s just to make out, they're jerks. If you had to sneak around to see them or go on dates then that probably meant it was hard to call for help, right? Please don't put yourself in that position! You could have been raped, you were already being pressured.
And yes, once in a relationship, flirting calms down after awhile. I don't think you know what flirting is. It's seeking sexual attention. Joking around is fine, but imagine whether or not you'd talk to a male relative like that. If not, then you know you're going too far.
Your girl friends want you to have a boyfriend because you practically beg for male attention. The poster is right that it's not fair to expect to be wined and dined and giving nothing in return. If you are not interested in a boy that way or if he's taken of course it's going to piss people off! At best, its annoying.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 While the idea of group dates is excellent , as suggested by the other posters , is sound and excellent and solves many problems, I am not sure it solves this OP's problem.
I think she has written before about that ( mentioning an older age bracket, but never mind ) . Or maybe it was another young poster... and in these case they seem both confused.
Sure, of course you don't need a bf at 13-15 !, in fact it's a very bad idea. It's a shortcut to introduce sex in your life at an age when you are not ready and able to handle it properly, and to enjoit fully. Like giving a sports car to a 12 y.o. Sports cars are wonderful- when you are old enough. If not,.. it's a shortcut to introduce in your life drama, anxiety , jealousy and worry when you could and should have your mind on all other stuff.
But, why then all the flirting and romancing and, pardon, me , tail- wagging ? Why the explicit request for male attention, and the awkward seductive attitude ?
It's OK if you don't want spend afternoons sucking face, maybe it's too early for you. Then, content yourself of having friends from both sexes, and of using this time and these outings just to chill and have fun.
But if you flirt - well, flirting means " Look at me ,look at me ! Look , am I not pretty ? Am I not desirable ? Am I not getting your juices flowing " ?...
Now if you are a group of suave, debonair 30 something drinking Cosmopolitans at a party, you can do it blithely , as a sort of ego boosting but innocent parlour game. It's assumed that , in certain circumstances, it's just a feelgood passtime which does not have to mean anything and lead to anything.
But a 13-15 y.o. girl does not have in general this light touch, and most of all 13-15 boys , poor souls, don't "do" nuances and subtexts. You say to a 15 y. o boy " Come hither, wouldn't you love to have a piece of THIS ?"( because, let's face it, that's what flirting means ) and he will go :YESSS ! YEY ! Let's make out !
If he just wants to have a laugh and a relaxing nice time, he will have his male friends to go out with. Or, at best, a non-romantic, platonic group outing . Which, I repeat, is a good idea but for some reason I don't think it is what this poster ( ... and the other posters with similar issue , in case it's not always the same ) have in mind.
It sounds to me as if , OP, you want to be romanced, to be courted, to be lavished with male attention- to be treated just like a girlfriend , BUT you don't want to do what a girlfriend does.
You want to go " on dates "- if you want to go on dates one on one, you and a boy, that implies , sooner or later, a romantic, very personal context, and inevitably , sooner or later, the request / expectation for physical displays of affection, if not for sexual contacts.
I think this is normal , and logical. If at the end of the day he is supposed to treat you just like he treats his male buddies, why would he come out with you " on dates "- might as well hang out all together at the local pizzeria, no mushy swoony stuff.
Do you want to be wined and dined and fussed about, OP- but no kisses ? It won't work. It does not make sense. Surely, it doesn't to the boys.
You should try to make up your mind. If you are not ready to relate to young males in a certain way , if your femininity is still " green "- no problem, perfect. I have a 14 y.o, niece who feels the same, she is still the phase of " Boys, eeewww "- and she is a beautiful girl who looks more than her age, so it's not insecurity or fear of rejection. She just still prefers dogs and horses to boys :) .
But, make peace with your brain ( or hormons ): ditch the flirting and the attention seeking and the one-on-ones. You confuse them , and are getting yourself confused. Stick to the girls and do " girls stuff " - or anyway, strictly platonic stuff- until the moment when you will think about an evening of passionate kissing with longing and excitement, not like now with wariness or disgust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): I have 15 year old twins, a boy and a girl. Thankfully, my son (fake name Seth) prefers video games, wrestling, and track to girls. Thankfully, my daughter (fake name Sara) feels like you! Her friends are always trying to get her a boyfriend and when I asked why one of them said, "because she flirts too much and she needs someone to make out with!" Yikes!There is NOTHING wrong with you for not wanting to only kiss, in fact, that makes you smart! If a boy says he can't afford a movie and still just wants to kiss he is only after one thing. And it's not the movie! This is why I'm glad my son thinks most girls are annoying!What you want, it sounds like, are mixed gender (boy and girl) group activities. Like your mom, that is ALL I allow my children to do. I also have a daughter (fake name Samantha) about to turn 10. Well... I know she's innocent, she's talking about her entire soccer and basketball teams, so no one gets their feelings hurt. She's talking about a BBQ. I'm considering it, as long as other parents are around!My point is, boys and girls spending time together is totally OK so long as parents are in earshot and you're just watching a movie, bowling, shooting pool in the basement etc. Please talk to your parents about what you want! They are afraid to let you "date" because they are afraid of boys who "only want to kiss" if you tell them you don't want that AT ALL maybe they will listen. As for your friends, they sound like my 15 year old daughter's friends! No one "needs" a boyfriend! But when they laugh or say "you just do" what they probably mean is: cool it on the flirting. I'm not trying to be mean but Sarah is the same way. Seth, me, and her dad have to reign her in sometimes. We believe her that she doesn't even want to kiss boys! But she flirts too much.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 That is a surprisingly articulate description for a person of your age. bravo! In my culture you are a bit young for dating. Apparently your parents feel similarly.
So what you want is to go and do things with boys, Like going to movies. Some other things I would suggest is ice cream , and Games, and even stag dances. These are great group activities that boys and girls can do together. They give you opportunities to meet many boys in a no committed environment. You will also have the luxury of crushing without committing.
That is fine for now, but you will soon (age 16 -20) need to start building stronger more involved relationships. Relationships where the feelings are less turbulent but at the same time stronger. Where the embarrassment gives way to trust, then emotional intimacy. There is no hurry, but you need to accept that it is coming, and think about the kind of guy you could trust that much.
You are right to be turned off by guys who want to kiss only. It is a shortcut to intimacy, and the physical aspect skips over the needed Trust. Just move on to better guys.
Get your parents on your side by calmly talking to them like you have to total strangers here. They are your best allies in dating. I bet they will like the idea of Group dates. It is much safer. Beware of the popular idea that girls need a boyfriend. Girls tend to think they are more mature than the calendar says they are. The boyfriend and the dates are for proof to their own ego. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what you need. Does your Mom agree?
Keep up the good thinking and writing.
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