A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I both took ourselves way too seriously when having sex, and it was probably too soon for me to doing the things I was doing based on that immaturity level. Sex was always VERY serious, it wasn't fun or exploratory. He had an anger problem, for example, he got angry when we physically couldn't have sex (I had a major hymen lol) which made me cry and punch a window, and he would get angry when I couldn't come, and he would get angry when I would try to show him what worked for me and it wouldn't work when he'd do the same thing, etc. I am thankfully out of that relationship, but I have some baggage/damage left over in the sex department. Because there was so much pressure in my last relationship to orgasm I would try to switch the tables and focus the sex on him, instead, to relieve that pressure. Now that I'm not in that relationship, I see myself continually denying myself pleasure, and feel such high pressure about it (even though no one is pressuring me) that I just give up because I feel like there's going to be a point where my new boyfriend is going to be angry or bored with my trying to orgasm because it takes me so long because I can't relax and am so in my head about every little sensation. Because I've seen a lot of frustration from my previous partner regarding my orgasm, I have the perception that a man doesn't enjoy himself when he waits for a woman to come, or engages in the process of trying to make her come. And I feel shame because I use a vibrator and I feel like I shouldn't, but I have never successfully stimulated myself manually with or in front of another person. In my head, I create like a timeline where "I should have come by now." I was with one other guy between these two men, where I felt like he enjoyed how it was taking forever, and I would apologize for taking so long and he would assure me that it's nothing and that he was enjoying himself and I was ABLE to get comfortable with him. I guess I'm just looking for assurance. I've told my new person it's really important to me to feel like there's no pressure and that there's no rush and to take my time and stuff, and he said it sort of robotically echoed what I said back to me, and I didn't really believe what he said. I want help trying to move forward and truly feel relaxed and like there's no time pressure. How do I get the clock out of my head? And the feeling like I'm going to be in trouble or get yelled at if I don't come?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (5 May 2016):
Good and completely open communication is the key in correcting a broad spectrum of sexual situations, including this one. You took an excellent step when you told your new person that you need to relax in order to orgasm. Did you just tell him that? Or did you describe the situation with your angry boyfriend? Maybe a discussion of what brought you to this point would be more convincing and effective.Countless couples use vibrators and other sex aids...I'd try this with your partner. Use of them is more commonplace than you could probably imagine. Lots if not most guys will enjoy seeing you go into orgasm thru using a vibrator on you. He may be clueless about sex toys and their function in giving a woman her orgasm. A lot of women can't orgasm without using a vibrator. Many instances of such have been brought up here on DearCupid."Trust" is the operative word in relaxing and enjoying sex. This may take some time, just how long being much dependent on how your new boyfriend reacts to your needs. And as another respondent suggested, educate yourself in this matter. A Google search of "relaxing during sex" brings up over 1.2 million results (you are obviously in a large boat filled with others). You should share some of the most applicable writings with you boyfriend.This is a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone: Hopefully, you will 1) begin to relax, and 2) find out how selfish or unselfish your new boyfriend is. At your stated age of 30 - 35, your boyfriend is probably that age or perhaps a little older. Smart and caring guys have figured out the secrets of good sex by this time. Keep looking if this one makes you unhappy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): I'm sorry to hear what you had gone through. It was an abusive relationship, pure and simple and you're out of it. It's in the past. He cannot hurt you anymore, he can no longer take out his frustrations on you.For some man women's orgasm is not about women's pleasure but their manliness and ability to satisfy a woman. When women do not orgasm or "take forever" to climax they feel less of a man. Obviously you're supposed to come just by thinking about them, right?You have to let go. I know that it seems foolish to think that we would hang on to bad experiences in our memories, but sometimes when we do not get rid of inner patterns (that had led to these experiences in the first place) they stay with us. For some reason we still need them.You need to know yourself. Being in an abusive relationship is sometimes a distraction when we for some reason fear getting to know and accept ourselves. You get so entangled and focused on that other person that you do not have time or energy for yourself.Explore. Experiment. Read about sex. Watch. Ask questions. If you can afford it, see a therapist. Whenever you remember your ex, how he yelled, how he blamed you, abused you... nip the thoughts in the bud. Your thoughts are not who you are. They are like cars racing on the freeway. It's your choice whether you want to follow them or not. I don't know if your current partner sounded really "robotic" when he "echoed" your words or if you were perceiving him in that way due to your bad experiences. But I do know that if you accept yourself, things WILL get better.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 It just takes time. You have been traumatized from your last relationship which is understandable, these things just take time to heal.
When with a new partner just take your time and get to know them, explain to them what happened in the past and allow them to reassure you that they are not like that. If you try this for a while and their is no progress them maybe you should go and see a therapist about overcoming your fears.
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