A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:soo, im 18 years old and my boyfriend and i are ready to have sex. the thing is when i was younger i was sexually abused. ive have years of therapy and ive come to terms with what happened to me. ive accepted it and im ok, and even with what happened to me i still consider myself to be a "virgin". but when i told my boyfriend what happened to me he didnt want to have sex anymore. his exact words were "id feel too guilty" and he said he couldnt do it. help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can see what you guys mean about the whole communication thing. but when i press the topic more he gets upset(not the angry kind of upset, the sad kind). my whole thing is, if im ok with it, why shouldnt he be? it makes me wonder if its because of what happened he wont be with me, or if its because he doesnt want to harm me. idk
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I'm really sorry that this happened to you. *hug*
Your boyfriend does sound like a decent sort of guy. I think you should give him a little time to come to terms with it. After a while, talk to him about it and see where his head's at. Let him know that he feels special to you, and you want to be close to him out of your own free will.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aisforacting +, writes (26 August 2009):
 It sounds to me that your boyfriend is a great guy. He obviously loves you so much that he would never want to hurt you even if that meant jeopardizing what he wants so much.
Tell him you love him. And trust him with your whole heart. Tell him that you want this and that this time you know that you deciding what was right for you.
Ask him if he loves you. Ask him if he trusts your judgement if so, you two will be together.
Goodluck, hope everything turns out okay!
(:
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A
male
reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (26 August 2009):
He obviously cares for you and doesnt want to put you into an emotional tailspin.
Sex can be a very difficult and complicated physical and emotional merger. If you have had such negative past relations and his reluctance bothers you, explain to him that you care for him and your intimacy is nothing compared to your past pain.
You do care for him and let him know how deep you care, you want to be physically intimate with him. Sex is intended to be about closeness and connection, let him know about that. Be comfortable, alone, and express your feelings
-iydm
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A
male
reader, theboythatcriedhotgirlfriend  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 Sounds like he feels almost as if he is taking advantage of you. The general stereotype people have of sexual abuse victims is that they are permenantly insecure. Just make he understands that you have come to terms with that part of your life and he should be compfortable because your are. gud luck gurl : )
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (26 August 2009):
Your boyfriend needs help. He feels like if he does to you what hurt you you will only think of the bad that happened and you will view him as a monster. He needs to find a way to get into contact with woman who have been abused and men of girls who have been abused. I too was abused and sex was hard for me with the only guy I have been with but open communication and lots of understanding helped us through. If you want to ask anything go ahead and email me directly. I have been abused and I am with a man I have been with for 5 years so I might be able to help with questions.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I can understand his reservations - he doesnt want to feel as though he'd be taking advantage of a vulnerable point for you, and pressuring you into something that you'd be uncomfortable with.
It sounds to me like all you need to do is be really open with him and communicate that you feel confident that youve put your past behind you, and are ready to start a sexual relationship with him (and want to!).
Looks like youve found a very conscientious and caring guy, I'm sure this wont be an issue once youve talked things through :)
Good luck! xx
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