A
female
age
41-50,
*aisy1978
writes:My husband and I met almost three years ago. At first the sex was amazing; he was insatiable and couldn't get enough of me. After three months though, he stopped wanting me. I tried lingerie, candles, everything I could think of and yet we still often went two months without sex! He would simply say he didn't want to have sex, or was too tired, or too full from dinner. It didn't matter what time of day it was or where we were; he simply didn't want sex anymore. He never had any physical problems - before, during or after and has no hormonal problems. Our sex life turned into an agreement. He never initiated sex; I always initiated it. I would ask him "Can we have sex tonight?" and sometimes he would say yes, sometimes he would say no. After many long discussions, and a threat to call off the wedding, he got better about it and we began having sex 1-3 times a month...at my request and initiation. Long story short, we got married four months ago. Over the past three years of dating and being engaged and now married, I have gained some weight, as has he. This morning he tells me that he is no longer attracted to me and that I need to lose weight. He says this is why he never wants to have sex with me.I feel that love should be unconditional; that he should love me for who and what I am, rather than how I look. That being said, I am 31 years old and while I have gained 24 pounds in three years, I am told by many that I am very pretty, and without sounding conceited, I know that I am. I've never had a problem getting men in the past! I don't know what to do! I read online that many people feel it is my duty as a wife to remain in shape if that's what my husband desires...but I feel that would be changing FOR HIM rather than FOR MYSELF. I actually do want to lose weight, but not because of him; for myself. I don't want to sit down for dinner and think oh, if I have a cheeseburger, he'll be disgusted by me; I'd better get a salad. I want to make that decision for ME. He's also gained weight and is going bald - I couldn't love him anymore than I do regardless of that and I always tell him that. Is it wrong to expect the same kind of unconditional love?
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (20 January 2010):
Good answers from various sides of the issues from all of the respondants thus far. Just wanted to add some thoughts;
Like Roadster says, there's a great deal of attraction that is in the mind. If he feels like he's not a high enough priority for you to look good for, much of his attraction will melt away rather quickly. Further, while love may be unconditional, lust isn't If you need to think of weight loss as doing something for yourself, then think of it as part of maintaining the sex life you want. You cannot expect that he will fail to notice how your body changes as you gain (or lose for that matter) weight, and if those changes do not attract him, that doesn't make him a cad, that means you are different than the woman he fell in love with and married, and she is what attracted him.
However, I agree with Caring Guy that this could be a bad sign. I would be cautious about that were I you. Like Guy said, don't be bullied. However, in this situation, where you want the fire and passion from him, he's telling you how to get it!
No, it is certainly not wrong to want to be loved and accepted unconditionally. To be desired, and made to feel desireable, however, is another matter.
In the mean time, if you're 31, and he's anywhere near your age, he should biologically be a horn dog still (not like he was 10 years ago, but still very actively lustful). I would ask him to consider seeing a doctor about his very low level of desire for sex, in the case that there is a biological cause. If he doesn't like this idea, remind him that a loss of desire could well be a first sign of something more serious.
If all of these things fail, you lose the weight, and he still has no desire, and won't see a doctor, you could, of course warn him that women in their mid thirties are statistically at heightened risk of contracting a potentially very serious illness known as the wandering eye syndrome, which, if untreated, can lead to a horrific series of complications known as affairs, heartbreak, and divorce. The good news, however, is that a good solid bedding twice a week has been proven to be effective at reducing the statistical likelieness (although not at preventing alltogether) this very serious and painful condition.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): If you had these problems only 3 months into dating I don't understand why you got married if it was such a big deal. Did you expect it to magically get better when you were married? It doesn't work like that. Why did you want to marry him if you had these problems and had to threaten to call off the wedding if you didn't get more sex? That seems to me like a very peculiar basis for a relationship and marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): Personally don't think you can expect the same thing. My partner has put on a lot of weight over the past couple of years and it just is not attractive. He says he wants to lose it for his own good, but then it's always "I'll start tomorrow" sort of thing. I'm sure your husband still loves you but that doesn't mean he has to find you sexually attractive. Those are two different things in my books. Accord to what you say you've put on nearly 2 stone; that's a lot of weight. And just becasue you or other people say you are pretty, that doesn't stop you weighing more than you did when you met your husband. I don't think it's fair of you to expect his to find you as attractive as he did when you were thinner. Ok, you still find him as attractive, which is good and lucky for him. But if he doesn't reciprocate, it's not fair on him to try and badger him into sex if he doesn't want it. How about if he was on about it a lot and you didn't want it? It's not a nice feeling. Why don't you try losing the weight? You can lose a lb a week really easily with a bit of exercise and dieting. It won't take long that way, or be difficult. Then see how he reacts. You could also remind him that if you are going to lose weight then so should he, otherwise it's double standards. I'm sure he could do with losing a bit too! But you shouldn't expect him to find you sexually attractive just because he's married to you. You're nearly 2 stone bigger than you were before.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 January 2010):
This isn't a good sign. He's got you married now, and his somewhat controlling ways are starting to sneak in. I think you and him need to have another talk. Don't be bullied.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): If he was insatiable in the beginning, perhaps there's something a bit iffy about his thyroid, iron, prolactin, dhea, lh?
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A
female
reader, Roadster73 +, writes (20 January 2010):
 I think sometimes its not really the weight, its the fact that men think (and wrongly) that your letting yourself go and thats not really sexy is it?
Its just a thought but without mentioning that you want to lose weight for a reason start healthy eating and a bit of exercise and see if he becomes interested again? I know if he does thats wrong but thats what you are going to have to put up with, a man thats shallow?
Good luck
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