A
female
age
51-59,
*orilei
writes:I know this is easy for some, but really am serious when I say that I just don't think I can stay married to a man that I promised to spend the rest of my life too. We've been married 20 years now. Things have always had there ups and down. That's to be expected. But these past 4 years, it's just been down. See I am not one to give up, but I am exausted from holding up my end of the promise. Not that he hasn't, it's just that we've grown apart with our lives.See when I was 16 I got pregnant and then he went into the military. We got married a week after our son was born. Then moved to California to start our new lives. Never once did I think that I would feel the way I feel today. Never once did I ever think of being with someone else or come to a feeling of wanting to leave him. Now we have 3 kids. 20,18 and a 12 year old. My two oldest are off joining the military and our youngest is in 6th grade. Last year I had to move out for awhile. I came back, cause I felt trapped and threatened by the things he said to get me back home. I have only ever known this relationship. I've never seen or felt what it was like to be out on my own. I really liked it. I felt free to work, eat, sleep and make decisions that I didn't have to get permission for. So I've been back since Sept 09 and I am feeling smoothered and can't do things without him having to know every step or decision that I make. We fight everytime that I want to go hangout with a g-friend. Someone that I can just talk to about my feelings, cause I don't know how to tell him that it's just not there for me anymore.I thought that when I came home, that I could make this work or we could make this work, but it's just not happening for me. I am tired of him dictating my every move. Atleast that's how it all feels like.If you have advice that's cool, if you don't have anything positive to say, don't say anything.
View related questions:
military, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, miss tempestuous +, writes (29 August 2010):
I hear you, Sister!
I am in the same exact boat. I have been with my awesome man since I was 18/19 and we have five children. Since turning 39 or so, I've been yearning to connect with others (men) in a meaningful relationship, or in a 'friends with benefits' relationship. Since turning 41, this yearning has turned more to wanting to be 'free of being owned' which I perceive is the case with my husband and in my marriage. I am not allowed to have male friends whom I'm attracted to. I recently met a man who is like my mirror image regarding personality and we hit it off immediately, emailing and chatting every opportunity we got. I want to know him so badly, and do things with him, explore life anew with him, but if I communicate with him, my husband will leave me. We have a good and happy life together, it's just boring and uninteresting. I yearn to live life on my own terms, seeing who I want when I want. My husband would be happy with just me forever. I am stuck at an impasse with this, and I've been here before. I do not want to lose this special friendship because I doubt this sort of man will come my way again! I also am afraid to let go of my husband and abhor the thought of hurting him. But I still fantasize about seeing my new friend and becoming lovers. I am afraid to act and afraid to not act for different reasons.
I have done enough research to see this is common in women of our age. I don't know why this happens, but I want to follow through on my urgings. I'm just moving very slowly in it. I have decided to not quit communicating (today, we'll see if I change my mind) with him, and will play it all by ear. What else can I do? Life as I know it for another 40-50 years would be essentially managed drudgery, tho happy. I want excitement and newness and to LIVE!!
3
A
female
reader, Lorilei +, writes (2 March 2010):
Lorilei is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for those who replied. Nessa my mother always told me that I'm a woman, then a mother last a wife. If I don't take care of me first then no one is ever happy. But when you get this far and start feeling this way , your decision start to be about the kids first.
Also I feel I have to say that at 37 I don't feel that this would be a midlife crisis. But It is a crisis. I am feeling more closed in everyday and I only have the support of my girl friends in this.
Again thank you
...............................
A
female
reader, nessabarela505 +, writes (2 March 2010):
life is about living it. If you feel more satisfied as an independent mother and woman what's stopping you? Just remember your a mother first before you are a woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 The best thing you already did is to give your self a time to speak about your feelings to a close friends, because it really helps a lot inside. it can let you breath at least for a time. Im not really sure if i am right here, but i have a feeling that you are now facing what they called midlife crises. Did you ever try counciling? friends of mine says this things really can help a lot. Im just giving here a thought. But if you think this is not gonna work too. In your case i think you need a little space for your self. of course being a mother and a wife for such a long time is not easy at all and you have your first child at 16. you really did it great. I think you dedicate your whole time and life for your family. and for that the day come that your body and soul now is asking for you a little break. The only thing you must know now is you are not alone. a lots of women or man having the same experience like you. and just like you they are trying to find a way to solve this things too. What about giving your self a vacation for a monthS to be alone in a very far away without any disturbance, give your self freedom to think and be on your own. if the computer's need a refresh, i think we do too. I wish you goodluck, and may the god guide you always..
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 March 2010):
It sounds like you have both just drifted apart. Many (not all) who have married early go on to feel this way later in life. You never really had a chance to be a teenager or a young woman, you quickly became pregnant and were married. And maybe that's it. You've been living as a mother and wife for so long under a watchful eye that you have no real idea about who you are. There is only one last ditch attempt to make this work, and that is counselling, where you air your feelings and see what can be done. But perhaps this is the time to go and just be yourself and find out who you really are. Think carefully, because this is a life changing decision. But you mustn't be under the thumb of your husband. If he can't allow you to have some freedom to find yourself, then you must do it alone.
...............................
|
