A
female
age
41-50,
*agLady
writes:My relationship with my guy started out all wrong. We met on an internet site not intended to *hook-up* people-MFI (a site were you can have friends and benefactors contribute to your boob job). At the time I wanted implants to restore and enhance my bust. WE were both in relationships. He was married and I had a boy friend. We fell in love, but agreed that since we were in relationships we should deal with that first before we start becoming involved in each other. I went on vacation with my then boyfriend and I knew that I really didn't want to be with this guy. We had sex and even during that I was thinking of the guy I had met online. I was stupid enough to tell him that-some details guys JUST DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. Lesson learned too late. But afterward I got a nasty surprise. When I had broken up with my boyfriend and he had finalized his divorce (he stayed married to the woman because she was from another country and would have been deported if they separated-she needed the job she had so they decided to stay married on paper) he told me how betrayed he felt that I had went off and had sex with my boyfriend and even worse that I had told him about it. It's been over a year and we are trying to solve this issue. He still feels betrayed, and since the guy I was with was not attractive that makes it even worse for him because he feels he was betrayed for *that ugly fat guy* How are these feelings handled for guys? What do I do to help?
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divorce, fell in love, met online Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
 One more box of Tide and I get a free pair, yipeee!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 March 2010):
Oh by the way, is there a site were you can have friends and benefactors contribute to your face lift? Thought you might know...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 March 2010):
This is so convoluted, I guess my best advice would be for both of you vow to each other to forget the past and start with a fresh beginning. I'm afraid if you don't, all of the baggage you both brought into this relationship will pull it down.
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A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (3 March 2010):
BagLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's not married anymore. Sorry I didn't make that clear. In his country you need to be married to the immigrant for 3 years before they can get their own permanent license-after that you can get divorced and they can live without you (Norway). She wasn't a very nice person and for that he decided he wasn't going to stay married on paper for her sake-so she is on her own at the moment and last we heard her permit for work was denied so she has to go home.
They didn't live as man and wife, just on paper-I got to see that myself. In Norway, it's normal in those cases. They had been in their on-paper marriage but apart for 6 months before I met him online. I actually have an American friend here who is in the same situation-except she is the wife needing to stay. People in this situation live their lives as if single, but if one or the other finds someone they want to be with it becomes an issue for 3 people. The people here are very relaxed about the issue so it's not as scandalous as it would be in the USA. We live our lives as a normal couple would.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 March 2010):
But but he's still married, what kind of future do you actually see here?
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A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (3 March 2010):
BagLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I am not going to get answers to something like this. But thanks everyone. We're fine now, just trying to get rid of the ghosts the linger. I'm not going to get rid of my guy, because before I posted here, he already knew that how he felt was a subject in the gray area. Still, it can haunt a person. He was getting divorced long before he met me, and did not intend or want to get into a relationship, neither did I. I didn't break up with my boyfriend because my current guy would be waiting. We knew that wasn't a way to start a relationship-which would just make us rebounds for each other.
I know for myself that I didn't cheat, but we know this is a case where both viewpoints can be validated in some way. We just hoped there was someone out there who could give advice on how he should/could deal with these feelings and suggest how I can be of support if there is anything I can or am supposed to do.
It doesn't do anything for us to just break up when we want to be together and want to work to make things better by learning the things we do wrong and changing. He has gone to therapy and so have I-to chase away the demons that have made us the people we are today. Breaking us up just will land us in other relationships where we hurt other people. But this man is the man I want to be with until I am old and gray and if there is a way after that also. We have decided to grow and love each other and will take our journey through life together no matter what happens. So, if there is anyone who knows, send us your advice.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 March 2010):
Well you could borrow someone's butt crack ...
Sorry poster, but I don't think you are getting the answers you were looking for. It all boils down to the fact that the guy is still married.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 March 2010):
fish hooks
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 March 2010):
He's still married and tells you "it's only on paper"...what makes you so sure he isn't getting his bread buttered on both sides?
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A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (2 March 2010):
BagLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you lexie 88 for the advice you posted earlier. It was the compliment you gave GrimmReality that my earlier post responded to.
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A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (2 March 2010):
BagLady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrimmReality: You haven't even heard the circumstances leading to the site involvement. It was published in the news as a decent site for regular people to get help. The site on the other hand was littered with women so desparate to get a boob job they literally sold porn of themselves. After seeing that me, him, and my friends who were helping me fundraise left the site. The women I saw who got boobs done only published sexy picks of themselves-things you would see in a Maxim Magazine. He heard about it also on BBC news and joined in-everyone isn't a creepy dirtbag or a skank blowing air up people's asses. If you are just going to rant, judge, assume, and not offer advice (opinions are not advice) keep it to yourself.q1605/Lexie88 : You obviously didn't read my article-I didn't get divorced-and he was already prepping his for finalization...they stayed married *on paper* so she could keep her job in a foreign country. But all you did was post your opinion instead of actually giving advice, positive or negative. Cute quotes but no assistance.Thank you everyone else, it's stuff we need to hear and even though we started out badly we have been trying to figure out what we are doing wrong. I'll take his bad with his good and he does the same for me. We just need help setting it right and clarification on the things we need to stop doing to ourselves and each other. F'ed up people aren't born that way-things happen in their lives (sometimes self-inflicted) that lead them that way-people learn and change or get left behind as life moves on. Keep sending your advice-we're two people trying to make it together and everything you say negative and positive gives us something we may not have seen before.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 GrimmReality...what a fab answer!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 March 2010):
 You had an emotional affair and now you are boo hooing this? Grow the hell up!
A BoobJob donation site is just the same as AFF so don't blow smoke up our asses. If you didn't want to show your tits to other guys then you would not have been there.
Maybe you should have used the donation money to get a clue about life.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (2 March 2010):
The others have said it well...you cheated on your BF. This other guy was not committed to you and you were not committed to him, so you did not cheat on him.
You said that you guys "agreed that since we were in relationships we should deal with that first before we start becoming involved in each other."
So you did not start anything, you were not involved and that's that.
If I was you I would leave this man alone...imagine if he was your BF...he would be very controlling. Even though he was married when he started chatting you up, he's getting jealous of the fact that you are sleeping with your BF, who he knows about. His fragile ego has been hurt and he's taking it out on you and making you feel bad.
Leave him alone, don't get involved. I still can't believe you've spent a year trying to resolve the 'issue.' He doesn't own you.
If you want the best for yourself you'll learn from this and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): He is showing control over you, whilst you are in a relationship already. If this is how demeaning he is too you as is, then what will he think when you really are his? What makes you think he'll change?
This man isn't worth it, move on, or forever be involved in the drama.
You where cheating BTW.....on your "ugly fat guy" boyfriend. How do you let this other man twist your mind on that anyways? Is it too hard to focus?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 March 2010):
But he wasn't cheated on. In fact, it was your boyfriend who you cheated on (an emotional affair, if you like). This actually sounds like you've walked into a mess to be honest. I think you need to sit down and say that you didn't cheat on him and unless he can face up to it, you will have to leave. Don't sit there taking all this, because in the end you'll resenting him and leaving anyway.
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