A
female
age
36-40,
*rincesskdp
writes:Ok- i need some advice. I have been dating a married man for about 9 months now. everything has been so much fun, we talk every day and have a great time together- and yes, we fight... more so lately. Let me start off by saying that his wife cheated on him first (which i KNOW doesn't make it right, i'm just saying-and he HAS cheated before because he's known about her infidelity for about 7 years now) and has a kid. Now in all honesty at this point, i don't even think i would want him to leave his sitaution, because well if he did it to her, he'd probably do it to me too and it's just too much drama and baggage for me. And i AM dating other guys - he's not the only one, but unfortunately, he's become like the main guy in my life probably because i talk to him constantly. He tells me he loves me, is in love with me blah blah and i won't lie- i love him too. But now this is the problem- for the past few weeks, we've pretty much done nothing but fight... we haven't seen each other for two weeks (he's very busy with work) and we've just been fighting. So we had plans to get together one night and he canceled, not really giving me a reason. So we talked that night- he was telling me how much he misses me, but then also saying things like your such a great girl and you deserve better and even asked if i really wanted to be with him and all his baggage... he also said that so much was going on as far as home, work and me- like that everything is all messed up and he can't deal anymore-it's all too much stress. He also keeps saying things like we both want more with each other and it's killing us and we were getting so jealous over nothing, we started fighting so much....but then when i ask what he wants to do as far as us- he said, idk-i do miss you. and of about the 7 different times ive said to him "if you don't want me in your life or don't want to be with me, just tell me!" every time he's said- no- thats so not what i'm saying or no, thats not how it is-that he's just stressed. So i thought everything was going to be fine and things would go back to normal (just having fun together and talking like we had for the past 9 months) so the next day, i didn't hear from him at all-he never does this... and he knows how annoyed i get when he does this....the next day was the same until i texted him to say i had sent him an email (you know those dear john letters that you write where you say everything you've always wanted to say, but never intend on sending? i sent mine- i couldn't hold my feeings in any longer) so then we talked a little bit that night and the next day- where he again told me how great of a person i am and how i deserve so much more and how he feels like he's not a good person and that mayne i shouldn't miss him...i basically need to know what the h*ll is going on with us and why he's all of a sudden acting like this... so we've decided to meet up in a few days... now i didn't hear from him the rest of the night...should i expect to hear from him at all until we get together? i mean what could have possibly happened to make him act completely different and like not want to talk to me at all for days? I'm just SO lost on this and really need someones insight... in the letter i sent him too i pretty much said to him that i couldn't do this anymore and i deserve better- so i kind of guess i ended things, but i told him after i sent him that that i didn't want him out of my life... and i don't... i care so much about him and it would be like losing a friend. It really hurts and i don't know what to do at this point... yes, we're getting together in a few days (which wil be the first time in 3weeks) but him not texting me at all during the day makes me think that he just doesn't acre about me anymore or just wants me out of his life... it's killing me and hurting so bad, but i kow i shouldn't text him bc i don't want to be needy-especially if he's stressed- the last thing he wants to do is argue with me back and forth... and besides the obvious answer (which i know, but can't seem to do yet without knowing whats going on) of leaving him and forgeting abou him- what should i do?? Should i try to contact him or just wait it out and see?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): 9 months of fun and illicit hook ups and then a life of shame and regret thereafter?
Not only were u having sex with this MM but you were hooking up with other men as well. I trust you took the necessary precautions.
This is one toxic drama situation!
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, lorinda +, writes (18 June 2011):
OH no......it sounds like to me the worst possible thing has happened... you have fallen for this guy. This isn't good, if in fact the relationship you wanted with him was all supposed to be fun and games and then when it was over the two of you remain good friends. I think that when the relationship started you probably were mature enough and secure enough in yourself to handle this type of relationship, but then damn, somehow along the way you got sucked in and your emotions got involved and you probably didn't realize it was even happening. So is this guy like a "player"? do you know if at anytime during the time the two of you were involved, if he was seeing anyone else other than you...and well, his wife? If he wasn't seeing another women, then he is more than likely on a "trying to work things out in his marriage" cycle right now. If his wife and him have a pattern of cheating on each other, they are probably going through a phase of where they are each reflecting on the relationship they have with each other, and thinking..ahhhh maybe we can fix this...because it is so hard to actually cut the ties and go through with divorce. It's scary, so they stay the course...which is more predictable. I am guessing he feels guilty for being with you when he is supposed to be working it out with her... and therefore he doesn't contact you ...but at the same time ...he does have feelings for you and doesn't want to cut you loose completely. because after all...what if it doesn't work out with his wife? You are the fun one...no expectations ...no demands....and the two of you are probably having great sex because it's new and different and exciting for him...but I am wondering why you have allowed him to become the "main guy in your life" Ask yourself truthfully, how long do you want to just keep things the way they have been between the two of you? Is that really enough for you? You already said you know that basically, it is not going to be enough. You think you deserve better, and you do. It's too hard to be intimate and spend that much time with someone you really enjoy, and not end up getting attached and wanting more. Do you ever feel like you are being played by him at all? I'm not saying that you are, But I kinda think he knows exactly what he is doing. I also think he has done this before when he exited out of his previous affairs. I hate to say this to you but I'm afraid if you don't get over him ...and / or you keep seeing him, you may fall victim to him deciding to have his cake and eat it too. When he realizes AGAIN, the problems of his marriage... you will be right there...but his loyalties appear to lie with her. If you seriously don't mind this, then go ahead with business as usual...but do expect to end up with a broken heart. Half the fun of these types of games is in the chase...If he knows he has caught you then.... ????? do you see where I am going with this? You might consider being a little harder to get with when he does start paying attention to you again.. And MY THINKING IS THAT NO ONE SHOULD EVER GIVE THE DEAR JOHN LETTER! IT'S LIKE SELLING YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR HEART LAID OUT AND THEN SERVED UP ON A PLATTER! You were probably just feeling desperate because you had not heard from him, but if you broke it off in the letter with him...you kind of should stick with that....because it's always a whole lot easier when you are the one quitting rather than him getting to be the one who decides he is quitting you first. Anyways,the idea is to have them Jones -ing and going all crazy to see you...not the other way around! and last but not least I do believe that you do deserve the love of a man that you don't have to share. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, G_S +, writes (18 June 2011):
He knows he's bad for you, and he's even said so to you. He's just stringing you along and using you for sex and wants to have someone else want him.
He's cheating on his wife, his family, lying, sneaking around, and wasting your time, your love and your life. Of course he's stressed!!!
Your heart has already been broken over this guy for long enough. End the pain. Cut him off hard, and move on! Find a much better man to share your life and love with!
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A
female
reader, princesskdp +, writes (18 June 2011):
princesskdp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow guys....everyone who answered- THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You have no idea how much all of this helped me...After most of your answers, i'm realizing what i've known the whole time... it's just great to hear it from other peoples point of view... and never ever ever will i put myself in this situation again- it's not worth it. I SSSSOOOOO appreciate all your responses :)
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 June 2011):
I think this guy is very confused about what he wants and doesn't want in life. He said so himself how stressed he is.
he's obviously not committed to his marriage (not at this point at least) because he's been cheating on his wife and has asked you not to end the affair so he wants to continue cheating on his wife.
his recent weird behavior could be a sign that he's finally reached a breaking point and "manning up" and trying to put an end to his messy personal situation and feeling avoidant in the process.
this could mean that either he's deciding to end his marriage, or to end the affair and re-commit to his marriage.
You've already told him how you feel and what you would like to happen. that's all you can do, really. Now it's up to him what he is going to choose to do with that information you've given him, combined with other information that's relevant just to himself (namely, his marriage).
You need to try, for your own sake, not to hang onto hope of getting together with him. it's not good for you to make emotional well-being dependent on someone else doing or not doing what you want them to do. In other words, I think you need to develop the strength to leave this affair, regardless of what he says, assume that it's over. If he really wants to be with you, he can get divorced. Until he has gotten divorced, this relationship can't go anywhere except to continue in this turmoil.
If he decides to end his marriage, he will do so - but on his own time frame. And who knows how long that will be. some people take years to sort their heads and and finally end their marriages. You can't put your life on hold for him. You've already done your part which is informing him of how you feel and what you want, now the ball is in his court and you have to work on yourself to take care of your own feelings because what he decides to do may very well not be what you want (that's one huge disadvantage of being involved with a married guy which is that he's tied down, obviously).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Trust me, you will never have happiness here! In the back of your mind (if you ever got together exclusively) you would be wondering if he is cheating on you with someone else.Once a cheater, always a cheater...Been there (in your shoes), done that, got the t-shirt.Go and find yourself an honest, single guy if you want happiness :-) (and think of his kid, they're innocent in this)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): There is no justification for what your doing and trying to justify should make you realise you are doing something wrong. If he wont leave his married wife who cheated on him what does that make you? I'd be offended i was treated as nothing. Don't be a home wrecker. This happened in my family, i was the kid who had to deal with this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
 he's right you deserve better.
listen to his actions not his words
time to move on...
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 June 2011):
 You have become addicted to this married man (and perhaps others) for your state of well being.
Instead of alcohol or drugs, you are addicted to a man and his drama. He is telling you that he is not a good person.
He has nothing to offer you other than "fun" and "drama".
You are making an emotional investment in a person that can offer you little, if ANYTHING, in return.
You niavely thought things could go back to being fun after some time passed. How could they? This man is burning his candle at BOTH ends! Eventually, chaos WILL (and HAS!) caught up with his stupidity. You are getting to share in the by-product of that stupidity.
Think about this. He never really HAD any obligation for you and you seem to be acting offended that his mood changed? He cheats on his wife with YOU. Do you really delude yourself to think he SHOULD be honest and stable with ANYONE?
When you get involved with a married man with divided loyalties and little charachter...there are no winners.
Drop him and examine your own charachter and ethics.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): I think you already know what to do. You need to break up with him because he is too much of a coward to break it off and he will never leave his wife. You need to walk away and find someone that deserves you're love. You can be happy with someone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): You are just one more in a string of ego building affairs this man is having.Is that what you want to be?If so, keep doing what you are doing.If not, then stop, don't see him again, and don't let him contact you again.Get a counselor, spill your guts and tell them what you have been doing with your life, figure out why you are doing this to yourself.Tell them everything, about your family growing up, about your relationships, about your loves and hates and fears and hopes.Make sure you can trust the counselor, don't spill it all on the first visit. But, once you feel you can trust, then don't hold back, don't lie, don't try to cover up things.If the first counselor doesn't work, then try another, till you find someone you can work with. That is the hard part.Don't lie though, it damages the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 So here's the issue. His wife cheated on him, and his solution was to, what? Cheat on her? Multiple times?
That's not really the solution of a rational, good man. My thought is that, perhaps he may have been a good man at some point, but if anything it seems like his wife's infidelity may have killed him.
Now he is just in it for himself and his own personal well-being. He's been using you. You were a fun, no-strings attached commitment-free escape for him.
Now you're starting to want more, and he's balking at it. He doesn't WANT to have a real, serious relationship with you. But he also doesn't want to lose his friend with benefits situation, so he's stringing you along hoping he can continue to use you for as long as he can.
You have started to fall for him, but he has not done the same.
You have to realize this. It is in your best interest to end this relationship now and begin the healing process.
You DO deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 June 2011):
 In your last sentence you say you know what you should do - leave him completely alone and never see or hear from him again.
The fact is, he's married and was not free to take up with you in the first place. He was - and is - off limits, until and unless he separates from his wife and gets divorced. Then and only then, once the divorce process has been completed, would you be free to commit to one another.
As things now stand, you have no right (sorry, I know that sounds harsh) to expect ANYTHING from him. You are almost ready to give this hopeless, going-nowhere business up. I urge you to take the next step and END it.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 The thing is: he is married with a wife and child. You are not his priority, they are. His marriage sounds unstable but still, by law he is obliged to ensure that his family is taken care of. He's working hard for THEM. So, you love him but you don't want him to commit to you and leave his family because you know he'd cheat on you? Sorry but that makes little sense to me. I honestly think you two are on the verge of realizing that this is not working and probably never will. This is why you're both on edge and arguing. He may be starting to feel guilty (as he should) and doesn't know what to do. But, this is over and should never have begun. Getting involved with a married man does not end with a fairy-tale finale. Leave him, let him handle his problems and move on. Hopefully, you never get yourself into this situation again.
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