A
female
age
51-59,
AuntyEm
writes:Are you continually getting dumped?, Do you never get passed the first date?1) Never assume love. The more you think you like a guy, the more you must let him chase you.Don't lose your head and think you love him, before things have evn gotten going.It's fatal.2) Don’t get emotional. Write the bad feelings down and keep them to yourself, but NEVER let a guy see how you feel if you feel upset or over awed. Given the choice, men avoid emotional stuff if they just met you.3) Make sure you get clear what is on offer for a first date. Is it going to be just drinks and a peck on the cheek or are they expecting no strings sex. Don’t be fooled by the sex talk disguised as affection. SEX is SEX, AFFECTION is AFFECTION. They are not the same thing and never will be. You decide what will happen and never take a guys number to call him first. Let him call you, then you have the choice to turn down a date. Men go in for the long haul when its someone they really want.4) Don’t have sex on a first or even second or third date. Make the guy wait, don’t lure him with the thought of sex, let him chase for it, be alluring but not outright suggestive. The chase is often enough to keep him interested if he’s genuine. If he gives up after the first refusal, he was just after a no string thing anyway. Its better to keep your dignity than suffer pain from giving in too easily and getting dumped the morning after.5) Try to recognise the difference between a man wanting friendship or a man wanting a relationship. Read the signs. If he makes constant excuses not to be able to see you, or isn’t impressed by your attempt to be affectionate, then he is probably just wanting friendship. If he calls constantly (after the first date) and absolutely insists on seeing you…then its safe to say he’s hooked.6) Don’t chase men or try to trick them into a relationship. Men will only pursue you if they are genuinely interested. Then it has to be for real in the flesh. Phone calls, e-mails and online chats are not building a relationship. Only meeting several times with equal interest on both sides is considered the start of something.7) Don’t be dramatic or create false situations to attract their attention. Men like to appear sympathetic and the nice ones rarely want to hurt anyone, but NO means NO. If they have given signals (sometimes non verbal, like turning their back on you in bed and showing no need to kiss or hug you, not calling when they say they will) then its safe to say that they just aren’t feeling a connection with you. Say goodbye with good grace. At least you kept your dignity. don’t do yourself down, ‘oh I’m no good at that’ ‘oh I cant maintain a happy relationship’, would you buy milk from a cow with a faulty udder? Nope, bad advertising just puts people off.8) Never ever call a guy unless he requests it, and even if he does, don’t be too keen to phone at the time he asks. Hang back a day or two. Calling men will just irritate them. Don’t be tempted to do it and if you simply cannot resist calling someone up who didn’t call you…burn their number,ditch their e-mail address, get rid of any connection so you have no means of contact. If they contact you then you have a lifeline, but never call and ask why they didn’t call. They didn’t call because they weren’t into you and didn’t feel a connection.9) Don’t get heavy on a first meet. Keep it short. If someone lives far away, meet halfway in a pub or a restaurant. Share the bill if he doesn’t offer to pay and then see how it goes. Don’t go to a guys place on the first meet. Not even to sleep on the couch. Its all too easy to slip into casual sex and then your 'done'…literally.10) Never lie. Be open and honest but be brief. Too much info on a first date will stop a guy looking into your beautiful eyes. Let him be intrigued to find out more. Let him ask the questions and answer them with a smile. If he doesn’t ask questions then he’s not interested. Men only pursue what they desire, and they will act like silly schoolboys to get what they want. Say it with me sister!!! OPEN, HONEST, BRIEF!!11) Don’t accept second best. If you like the guy but he smokes and you preferred he didn’t, or he is too short for you or doesn’t have a job, isn’t creative, appears to be a little distant. Don’t go with it. Tell yourself ‘ Actually I don’t like some of his qualities, so is he really right for me?’ Be selective. (I was actually put off by a guy I dated recently who smoked and slept with his childhood toy. He also relied on his mother a lot to do his laundry despite being 40, he was scared of car washes (ya really!!), didn’t share my taste in music, he wouldn’t walk next to me, he didn’t make me 'have my thrill' when we had sex and didn’t even ask what I liked. He never had the guts to tell me straight that I wasn’t right for him (I hadn't smelt the coffee at this point), so allowing me to suffer…what a dork. He also seemed to need constant praise for simple things like fixing the cupboard and when I was there , he didn’t compliment me once. He also let me cook the dinner and wash the dishes, he also lived too far away and I got the impression he would never travel to my house by car, that would have been a big problem…phew that’s a lot of minuses…NEXT!!!)12) However you think or feel about someone who you liked who passed you over, there will always be lots of suitable men to fill his space, and by the law of averages, you will hit it off with one eventually. Its easy to imagine that he was your soul mate but actually there are hundreds of potential soul mates out there and every one of them is different and unique.13) Treat dating like a casual hobby that you like to indulge in regularly. Make it simple, so that your family don’t think you’re a loser. Just arrange to meet in some funky places and enjoy the fact that you have someone to spend the evening with. Assume that you wont know the outcome of the evening for at least a week after it happens.14) Grow balls enough to be honest with someone if you genuinely don’t fancy them. Its a moment of awkwardness that saves a lot of pain. Its better to be briefly cruel to be kind. Saves all that sitting around wondering 'what if' too.15) Don’t take a dive, if you get rejected. A high proportion of all dates never make the second round, that’s a monumental of rejection, but does it mean that everyone is garbage?…nope it just means that you didn’t meet the right person yet.16) Long termers-Just because you didn’t have a suitable lasting relationship for years and years, doesn’t mean your on the scrap heap. You have to accept that your life has different priorities at times. You sometimes simply don’t have the time to give ‘finding the man of your dreams’ as much attention as you need. Keep yourself motivated by reading these points over and over again. .17) Never ask for compliments. ‘Do I look ok?, Do you think I’m pretty?’ ' Does my butt look like a tank in these shorts?' If a man cant say it, he probably doesn’t think it. Why put yourself in the firing line for pain?18) When he’s gone, he’s gone sister!!! Don’t read old e-mail, or text messages. Don’t go over old computer messenger conversations. Don’t listen to songs you both liked. Maybe wallow for a day or an afternoon, cry a little and have a clearing out ceremony, dump all the things he gave you, sell the expensive stuff or give it to friends, but don’t sit staring at it, wishing he will come back…because he wont. If he wanted to be there…he’d…ummm…be there.19) Don’t buy him gifts until you have been dating for a couple months. You will waste your money and he will see it as a sign that your surrounding him with pushy ‘you’ symbols. 'I am not in your life anymore, but oh how those cups I bought you, will torture you forever. Mwhahaha!!!!'…ummm nope…he will most likely be making his latest girlfriend a nice cappuccino in those cups and tell her his granny bought them…DON’T WASTE YOUR CASH ON HIM. Spend it on a new bag to impress your friends.20) Be nice to him, be respectful, be direct, be cheerful and laugh at his jokes, but don’t crawl up his butt and have a party fest with the other woodland animals. He wont respect you for it, he will just think your annoying.Men don’t think like women, men think like men, so you have to work with them rather than plot against them. Be resourceful in yourself and don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side once in a while. He needs to know you aren’t flawless, but that you have respect for yourself and the boundaries.In short:Don’t:ChaseBeg complimentsCallCrowd himBe dramaticBuy him stuffHave sex too soonBe unclear what’s on offer.Trash yourself Talk about the past too muchRead old e-mailsKeep his number(after you split)Take his number (hes gonna call you if he wants you)Accept second bestTry to trick himGet emotionalAssume loveBe dishonestGet too deep too soonIf you have broken any of these rules, with some guy or another on any occasions then that is the most likely reason that things never worked out for you. You called, you chased, you whined, you threatened, you lied, you schemed and assumed, you had sex on the first date on most occasions and you clung to men and browbeat them. It is no wonder you have failed…so next time you find a guy you like, before you do anything…read these tips and then read them again. Make a guy feel valued by giving him space to move around you to decide for himself. You cannot give someone more than they are prepared to accept…and so it is. Don’t push anything, just smile and be yourself and go have fun!!!Aunty Em2007
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, CellarDoor89  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Damn... I really feel like a piece of shit after this... Not ALL guys are like this, though there are alot that are. I think you bring up some really important and valid points though. Very good article.
A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (29 July 2007):
 I love this post!!!! Especially point 3 - something I always do!!
OPEN, HONEST, STRAIGHT...best way to be!
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (27 July 2007):
 really great advice thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): WOW
GOOD ADVICE HUN, KEEP THE FAITH BABES XXXXXXXX LOVE MANDY
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