A
female
age
41-50,
*atient1
writes:Here's a question directed mainly toward the men out there, but ladies feel free to respond as well as I'm sure plenty of you know where I'm coming from on this. Why is it that when a man (or boy) decides that they want to be with a woman they are so nice and sweet and will do just about anything for her, however, once they establish a relationship and get into their comfort zone they become real jerks? I know this doesn't apply to ALL men, but most of the men I know and/or have had a relationship with have always turned out like that. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): I don't think you get much better advice than what Eve wrote here. Just something I might add is that you need to do the stuff that Eve says but be patient as well. Don't feel disappointed if he doesn't respond much at first cos it might take some time for the passion to rekindle. Just keep at it. Remember, relationships require sacrifice and it might seem unfair that only you seem to be working at your relationship but either one of you has to make a move to bring your relationship back to the way it was and you should be proud of yourself for being the one to do it
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (16 March 2007):
 There is obviously a reason for the way he's been acting this past couple of years. He may feel a little put to the side as you say you have kids. It could be that he's feeling taken for granted and is going out to work and feels he's getting no thanks for it. Now I know it works both ways and you probably feel a little bit like that yourself! Being a mother, nursmaid, cleaner etc is all hard work, you need to spend some quality time together to be able to talk and be alone. Maybe someone in your family would watch the kids one weekend to give you some time alone?
You don't even need to go away anywhere if money is tight but if you can then do it! Let your husband see that you still love him very much. Compliment him for the little things he does, make him feel special! Tell him he has a lovely smile or he really looks good in that shirt, anything that will boost his ego a bit. Remember, relationships NEED to be worked at and that's why, at the beginning everything is so wonderful. It's all new and both male and female try to impress one another by looking good and being more attentive to each others needs. Just because you get married doesn't mean these things stop.
Make sure you always look good for him, say endearing things to him, leave him little notes to find, in his brief case (if he has one), in his shoes, in his pockets or wallet. ""Can't wait to get you home tonight" "Missing you heaps" "I thought of you today and it made me smile".
When he comes home one night give him a present. Buy a small decorated cardboard box, a sheet of coloured tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card. Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card: I know a great Masseur. For an appointment ring: (Your Phone Number). Create some love coupons that your partner can exchange for romantic favours. View this link for some examples.
http://www.theromantic.com/lovecoupons.htm
You see, if you want to keep the marriage alive then you need to work at it. If you make him feel special then he will WANT to do more for you and because you're making him feel loved and attractive then he'll want to reciprocate and make YOU feel loved back in return.
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (16 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear Mr. Anonymous,
The answer to your question is a big "hell no". I would have never married him had he been like the way he is now. We were together for 4 years before I married him and he was never a bitter person. He was sensitive and a little emotional (usually when he was drinking alcohol), but he was never bitter. It seems like the more stress we endure, the more bittter he becomes. Good question though, thanks for asking.
...............................
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (16 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I feel a little better!
...............................
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (16 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk Heather, that does sound a little odd. I only reason I said current husband because I was originally referring to all of my past relationships and I just wanted to establish that I was now having the same problem with my husband.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): This should be asked back to the poster of this question. Whether she would have married that guy in first place, had he been like what he is right now when courting?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): When you're in a new relationship, a guy will do anything to try and impress you, gain your love, trust and respect. Basically he doesn't want you to stray so he does what he can to 'keep' you. Once you're married, he knows you're not going anywhere and so probably feels he doesn't have to try and impress you or put in the effort anymore.I don't know. I've thought about this before and it's all I could come up with. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Thanks for replying, it`s always great to have a Follow-Up!! I find it strange though, that you refer to your husband as your "Current Husband". I Hope you don`t refer to him in this way in front of others. Heather.
...............................
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (15 March 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. However, I can tell you that I know my current husband always has and does love me, he does make that very clear. And he was always easy in my company until he turned into a jerk and we began to argue more and more. Now it seems like that's all we ever do anymore. We have been together for 6 years and it's been the past 2 years that he has progressivly gotten a worse attitude toward me. Not just me either, to his boss, our kids, and even some of our aquaintances. Oh well, you win some and you lose some, huh?
...............................
A
female
reader, doodle_dudette +, writes (15 March 2007):
No I know what you mean. My man isn't a jerk but still, he is so cute so sweet do anything but sometimes he's just cold, hurts my feelings when he jokes. He doesn't mean to, he feels bad afterwards. It's not even big things, the thing is you need to talk in a relationship. Me and my boyfriend talked all the time, when we stopped he was insensitive because we didn't talk much, it's only been a short while but I'm beginning to try and turn it back now. They just dont understand how they hurt you. Men are strange creatures to many women but we often don't try. We expect too much. We expect they will be like a Romeo or Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. The truth is that was Jane Austin and Shakespeare's ideals not reality. Maybe 200 years ago but times have changed and so have we. Talk about things and if they don't want to talk they either feel uncomfortable discussing emotions etc, which they shouldn't do and that's down to you or they simply don't care, in which case they may not be perfect for you or your ambitions are set too high. Some men are scared of opening up because they dont want to get hurt and some just need a little coaxing. Talk to them about other people's relationships and you can see from then what their points of views are so you can aproach them better. They probably have just a tough a time as we do!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (15 March 2007):
Don`t let him get into a "Too Comfortable Zone!!" I consulted my husband on this one, and he said that for a man to be "comfortable" with a woman, he has to love her, and be easy in her company. I guess you`ve just been unlucky with men; There are LOADS of men out there who are not jerks, they`d love to come home to you, in your SHARED COMFORT ZONE!! With Love, Heather.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): Just a quick comment. I can't tell you why they do it..but it's plainly a character problem. The beginning of a relationship is when women need to do their homework, so she can see what's coming at her. Nice guys do not turn into jerks...usually it means they are jerks already, to begin with. But that's the same with women, as well. All sweetness nad cuteness, in the beginning and then she turns into "Godzilla' months down the road. It is that way for both genders. Some jerky people are always on their best behaviours, so us suckers deny what we really, really see. Love can make us stupid and blind. (*Irish raises her hand* Been there done that, in the past.) lol The warning signs are usually there, but we're ignoring them Men/women need to keep their heart safely tucked away and use their brains...asking a lot of questions and staying focused on what they are looking for, can often help them avoid the pitfalls, later. And of course, the jerky guy/woman knows what drives a a nice potential lover's heart..amazing sex. We just have to begin to realize this and clue intyo this little trick and stop allowing it, before being so ready to jump in the sack! One has to definitely make sound jusdgements based on character. People have to protect themselves and be diligent. because another's character or lack of it will determine how he/she will treat him/her, in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Maybe you're seeing the wrong kind of men? Its probably cos when they reach those comfort zones, they no longer feel like they have to put in as much effort as they used to. Thats when things go into a downwards spiral where they end up looking like jerks (and I've seen it too, they do become jerks) trick is to do stuff that'll always keep both party's interests. Dont really know what that is for you and your (future or current) partner but finding out is another interesting thing.Sorry I haven't been much help on this, I guess its just what some people do... you know, like why do some people splash you with water from the road with their cars? They're just jerksAnyway, thanks for not generalising it to ALL men!!
...............................
|
