A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well I'm another female in a 20 year age difference relationship with my fiance, I'm 22 and he is 41. He's a wonderful guy, I met his family and friends and they're all happy for us once getting to know me and already knowing him. No he's not my sugar daddy or has dated younger women before so this was a first and an unexpected for the both of us, I always date older guys but not that older, we are both unique for our ages but anyway, my mom refuses to accept this relationship and feels I could do better as if he is some slum and he's not. She won't get to know him and she makes me feel soo bad because I'm choosing to be with him. She causes me a lot of stress (while I'm already in school and about to graduate and apply for grad school) because of this and I feel like I want to cut off contact with her but that won't solve anything and she's my mother. She does not know we got engaged in september or that we have officially just moved in together. Should I tell her? If I do tell her she will go crazy and she will stress me out so much to the point where I'm not even sure what I will do to myself. She does not know how to control her anger or emotions and I tell her to get help but she gets offensive so I feel like I should not tell her anything. People tell me to just go on with my life because she is absolutely crazy (which is another story) but I feel like I should not leave my mom out like that. I'm just really confused, what should I do? He is a wonderful man and not a typical 40 year old, we are both starting our lives out and are on the same stage as far as having goals and I feel like I should not be with him simply because my mom is worried and feels he is not the right guy for me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Well my mom has a problem controlling her anger and she says alot of hurtful things and has all my life, she also denies alot of things she says and does, I suggested she should go see a therapist but of course she denies she is that way and gets offensive, therefore I cant help her get help and everyone else does not want to butt in or has not seen that emotional side yet, her husband cant even help her because their marriage is very rocky, but like I said that's a different story. My mom and I never had a good relationship because of how she is and its very hard to talk to her. I know she wants the best for me but she goes about it or expresses it the wrong way, I wish we did have that great mother daughter relationship where we could talk all the time but instead she shows her love through supporting me financially and sending me money, which I told her to stop because I can afford my own and I wanted her to show support from her heart as my mother. My mom had a very bad childhood according to a relative and I feel like it has to do with how she is now. Now she wants her family to be this picture perfect family and I feel like she is scared of being criticized because I am dating an older man (she might be competiting with other relatives or friends on who has the best or most succesful family and house, which would be no surprise) I know she loves me but even my cousin told me, if I tell her I'm engaged and moved in with my fiance my mother would flip out, she wouldnt even have a decent conversation wih me expressing her concerns and my mom will not get over it, she will flip out for months and it's very stressful for me because she yells and puts me down and I have to deal with it and be respectful because she's my mother. She does not care how much I love him and does not want to get to know him, she's very stubborn and feels I should be dating someone my age, that fits her idea of what my husband should be, it's about what she wants for me and not what I want for myself that makes me happy, she knows I make wise decisions. I guess maybe I will email her and let her know at least that I moved in with him, she knows I just moved out of my apartment she just does not where for sure. Most importantly I tell her I love her and I wish she would not be this way but if she continues to have these "flipping out" epsidodes with me I may just have to stop communication with her? because it's seriously mentally unhealthy for me
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): I met my husband when I was 19 (now 26) he is 25 years older than me and we are happliy expecting our 3rd child together. My mother "freaked" when we started dating, "freaked" when we annouced I was pregnant, but has since relaxed and is accepting. In the time we have been together I have finished my Masters degree. Best of luck to you. Try it out... mothers generally get over their children doing things they wish theyr wouldn't.
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Mothers only ever want the best for their children, because it`s a bond that cannot ever be broken. As she does not know that you`re engaged, or that you have moved in together, I presume you don`t see your mom that often. I hope you keep in contact with her by phone regually though. You say your mom is "absolutely crazy"; perhaps you could give some more info on what you mean by that, as you don`t say that she`s locked in a mental institution, or that she`s a danger to herself & others. Could it just be that she CARES about you? I would love to see you enjoying your relationship with your man; and at the same time, enjoying having your mom too. Life is short; your mom won`t be around forever, please remember it`s too late when someone is gone to say "I Love You". Kind Regards, Heather.
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A
female
reader, nicola79  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Your mom just wants the best for you but you are old enough to make your own mind up. Yes I think you should tell her your news but if you feel she will co crazy, maybe send a letter. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her but just explain that just because you have chosen this path it doesnt mean that you have to fall out with her. Tell her just how much you love this man and how much he loves you, you are happy and want to spend the rest of your life with him.
If it doesnt work then at least you tried and thats the best you can do.
I hope everything works out for you all. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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