A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 62 yr old black female who has a 23 year old black military male who wants to get married. I'm very fit and attractive. We are very compatible, get along great. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
 and I want to add this:
while I support age gap relationships totally a gap of 40 years is huge... it's two generations... you are not only old enough to be his mom but his grandmother...
and I have a very odd feeling about why such a young man would want to marry a woman so much older...
what do you have in common?
music?
athletics?
movies?
games?
heck even with a baby gap of 13 years we don't have a lot in common with music or movies or such.... just too much of a generation gap...
who wanted to marry you or him? and what's his reasoning?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 As long as I want to believe that age is just a number , reality tends to prove me wrong and , particularly with a FORTY o years , i.e., frankly, humongous age difference , I think that in these cases a little prudence, in fact a little cynicism , is mandatory.
We are talking about marriage here, so something that, at least in thery, should last forever, if it has not got excellent chances of lasting forever, why even getting married in the first place ,right ?
So there are a few hard questions you only can answer, like :
- who is the breadwinner ? Are you much more financially stable , and with many more assets and properties, than he ? has he got a job, a steady income, a roof on his head ? Can you be reasonably sure that he does not need a meal ticket , or a comfy lifestyle that he could not afford on his own ?
- What about sex . Now you are fit and attractive and, I guess, sexually active, but ( not to jinx you but that's the truth ) there is no guarantee that you'll STAY this way in 10 or 15 years, in fact it's quite improbable. He'd be 33-38, a man in his prime. What happens if you don't want / can't be intimate with him, or, pardon the brutality, if he can't get it up with a lady in her late 70s. Does he get a free pass to go screw all the young cuties he happens to meet, as long as he comes home at night ? Would that work for you, could you handle it ? Or would you expect him to repress his sexuality because of you ?... We are talking about a marriage, remember . In theory, you commit to be monogamous.
- SOME women in their late 70s and 80s age very well, are still very healthy and energetic, still travel, drive, dance.... SOME don't. Some are subjected to the various problems that come with age, they need constant help in their daily activities, ...get stiffy, rigid joints that limit their mobility,..even become incontinent. I wish you all the best , of course, and I wish you to celebrate your 100th birthday dancing till dawn, yet : are you and him aware that he may be spending his 40's pushing your wheelchair or changing your diapers ? How do you both feel about that ? ( meaning, he may be Ok with that, but are you Ok to give your husband this kind of life ? )
- Are you really sure that you are actually so compatible regardless at being at such different stages of life and experience ?... I like young people too, I never had a problem interacting with my son's friends, or my many younger friends, acquaintances and coworkers , I get invited to birthdays and parties by people who could be my children... it's all cool, we get along just fine.... but you know what ?, I am happy that they don't live with me !, it's fun to be around youngsters for a couple of hours and a couple of drinks, but 20 or 25 years ( and forget about 40 ! ) is a generation, it's really like two different worlds, regardless of superficial similarities ( tastes in music, movies, fashion etc.. ) it's a bit like some foreign country, it's nice for a visit but you would not want to live there.
So, you see, as much as I'd want to, I can't share Aunty Em " carpe diem " ( seize the day ) approach to life. I know by personal experience that if you screw up TODAY, you may quite possibly have to deal with big time ripercussions tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow and so on and so forth.
Better think very very VERY hard before saying yes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
How long have you known him in real life?
How did you meet?
How does he feel about not having children?
If you guys love each other the hell with what the rest of the world thinks.
How will he cope with being a young widower?
I worry about leaving my guy alone too and I’m only 13 years older than he is.
I just wonder why a 23 year old man is so quick to get married.... although the military does give more money and benefits to married soldiers... that would be my concern here that he's not truly being genuine...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): "What should I do?"
Wonder what's in it for HIM.
Don't let your ego and vanity cloud your good judgement and common sense. He's pushing for marriage for a reason that's likely for his sole and exclusive personal benefit and gain.
You describe yourself as "very fit and attractive." Would boy toy describe you as "well off financially?"
Don't mean to be harsh, but don't kid yourself either. You have something he wants that he couldn't reasonably expect to get from a woman his own age.
Find out what he's REALLY after before you make a mistake that he won't be regretting when he's your age and you're long dead.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 If you are happy, love eachother and have the support of family and friends then go for it.
Life is too short to worry about all the pitfalls and you have to grab your happiness whilst you can. If you are committed to eachother (and it isn't just a whirlwind thing, or that he's after your money lol) then do what feels right.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about the future. Obviously with your age you are no longer going to be able to have children, so he needs to be ok with never having children in his life. He also needs to be ok with the inevitable fact that within the next 10 to 20 years, your health will decline and he will have to care for your to a certain extent. He needs to be happy being in his 30's and 40's looking after an elderly woman basically.
While there is nothing stopping you getting married, you have to think whether or not this is wise. As much as you might love each other and enjoy each other's company, at 62 you dont really have that much to offer a 23 year old and he will probably hurt you in the long run when he realises he wants to be young and having fun, not tied down to an older woman. He might be convinced he wants to marry you now, but in a few years time the novelty will wear off, reality will kick in and it will be you getting hurt.
At your age I'm sure you are looking for someone as a companion, is marriage really that important to you now? Would it not be a better idea to look for men closer to your own age, who want the same things in life as you do?
At 23 I dont think this man knows what he wants, he is still young and immature and doesnt really understand what he is getting into here. If I were you I would do the right thing and end this, think about yourself aged 23 - would you have wanted to marry a 62 year old? I bet the answer is no, so as much as it might be painful to let him go it is the right thing to do for both of you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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