A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok, this is a long story so thanks in advance for reading. about a year ago i bumped into an old friend who i hadn't seen in years, through common friends. Soon after we all started hanging out and at some point she admitted having problems with her long term bf (6 years), i was supportive but within weeks we kissed and it all went downhill since then. She regretted it but at the same time she felt all the passion that was missing in her relationship. We said we would never speak etc but we only lasted 2-3 days. We met quite often, we talked for hours on the phone and eventually we slept together. She kept feeling guilt for what she was doing, kept breaking up with her bf but going back bcos she wasnt sure what she wanted. We really tried to stay away from each other but it was impossible. I tried moving on and she kept running after me even though she told me to do so!! Anyway this went on for a few months, at some point the bf asked her to move in with him to give it one last go. She agreed bcos she really did love him but not inlove anymore, she was inlove with me (or so she said so). They lived together for a couple of months but she only managed to last 2 weeks max away from me. She felt sooo happy when she was with me, the sex was unbelievable and the passion was nothing like i have ever felt in my life. Anyway it was a mad story but let me cut to the point. After months of her being so sad, crying and feeling guilt she told me i need to decide what i want in my life, security and love from him or the guy im in love with and feel all this passion and lust. So i gave her time. Please note that i never tried calling her or anything when they were together (i.e. not on a break), she kept calling me. so after she disappeared for a month(partly living with him) we met because i went to her house to give her something..She was in a mess. She told me that she didnt feel the same way anymore and i just left. She later calls and said that for the past month she has been going to a therapist bcos she was at the verge of breaking down and started losing weight..and 2 weeks ago her bf broke it off with her because he suspected something was going on (he saw a message from me which she didnt delete saying "i love you"). So she tells me now that although the passion and lust were all true, now that she stayed on her own and with the help from this therapist, she has come to realise that although she was inlove with me, she was exaggerating and she was happy but not as happy as she thought!!! And that now she is not inlove with me anymore. She says that she will never be with her bf again but she will never be with me either because our relationship harmed her and its in the past and that she needs to stand on her feet and find someone else to fall inlove with to start a new life.oh and she also said that she knows there is no passion between us anymore because when she saw me a week ago (while she was a total mess emotionally) she didnt feel anything...She particularly hurt me when she kept saying to me to move on because she is going to and that she wishes she meets new people straight away, even if she knows she will just cling onto them to help her get well. I told her that the instant i will see her with someone else, i will hate her because i was waiting for her for so long and she goes off with someone else...Now my question is..do i believe what she is saying about really wanting to meet someone else and that she is not inlove with me?? Do i move on? (another girl from my past showed up last couple of weeks and i like her but i know its not the best thing to do)Or do i stay there and wait for her to "get well"? i tried supporting her but she doesnt want my help bcos it reminds her of the past.She is 25 btw, not a baby, I'm 27. Please note that what she felt for me when we were together were all true (passion, lust) because i could see them, i felt her trembling everytime i touched her, our chemistry was amazing and you cant exaggerate that. I truly think she is the woman of my life, we made so many plans together and now she says she prefers to be with someone new even if it means less passion (remember, passion is one of the main reasons she left her bf) and not live "our dream" instead of coming back to the past..Will she ever come back to me? And i dont know if i can take her back after she even dates someone else and realises she wont find what she had.. If i move on will it make a difference to her coming back??so sorry for the long post but i need your help.. Thank you so much in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): **original poster**
yeah, i realise its a tough phase but i thought that would be the time to keep the people you love close to you and not push them as far away as possible :(. I prefer to stick by her side than just leave her on her own but she clearly doesnt allow me. I text her again while i was out of the country just to say hope you are well and no matter what you say to me i will still pray you get well and stand on your own feet and till that happens you can count on me. Again no answer..
My priorities in life is her getting well, in a few years i want to be with her just like we always dream when we were together. I agree with you that caring and sharing are beautiful but i also had that with her during our time together and she knows that so i still cant get through my thick head why she would look for all these elsewhere instead of where she knows she has them..
thank you very much for caring, all the best to you too :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Hey this time is real tough for you.Trust me it's easy to break up but after the breakup thts the toughest phase one has to face.Not every1 has the capability to go through it coz not every one is brave but if u have that attidude to come out of tht zone nothn can stop u.Relationship is not a game it involves lot of responsibilities and only people who are matured would understand wht are responsiblities and how to handle them.So the best thing is to give some time to yourself think bout your priorities in life wht u want?where u want to c ur self few yrs down the line.Let me tell u guys life is very precious and i think you should live it to the fullest.Take the best decision and dont fall for passion because some feelings like caring and sharing are even more beautiful then passion and lust.ALL THE VERY BEST.WISH U LUCK.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Oh wow, im so sorry, I know how much this hurts. Thank you for sharing, its nice to know im not the only one! May I ask you if he has moved on? And did he manage to “replace” you in his heart? Because I am trying to understand her words/actions.I am in your shoes, I know I wont get over it and frankly its because I still don’t want to, im not ready to give up yet! I have given her space while she is visiting this therapist. She doesn’t want anything to do with me right now anyway because she thinks (or the therapist says so) that she must shut me out of her life and find someone new in order to find peace :(Am I too stupid to think that once she is “well” she will realise that all those things she felt and the happiness when she was with me was real?? I am showing to her that I am moving on (her girlfriend is still going out with me every week and she sees girls I am talking to – I bet she tells her this stuff even if she doesn’t know anything about me and her) because she explicitly told me we will never be together etc, hoping that this will help her realise she is losing me. At the same time I send her regards through her friend or a text yesterday just to say hi so I show her that even if I am moving on, I still think about her and care and I hope that at some point she will realise that no matter how much she hurt me, I was still there for her through hard times. Btw she ignored my text yesterday which hurt, she never did this before!Regarding your situation im so sorry, 3 years is a looong time! Has he tried to get some counselling to sort out what he wants because obviously he is finding it hard to do! I wish you the best as well and I really hope things will work out, I always try to see the glass half-full! Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 November 2008):
 I know how you feel....I was with a guy for only 9 months but we were so in love and everything was perfect. We ended but then both knew it was a mistake but we were both hurt and never have got back together.
3 years have gone by now and although we both still talk, we haven't seen each other for nearly a year. I still love him with all my heart and I know he still cares about me, but he can only tell me that he is sorry and that he is confused about what he wants. It hurts everyday and has not got better, sometimes even time cant heal.
All I can offer you is to spend some time on your own, I made the mistake of rusing into relationships to fill the gap but it just makes things worse when you realise that your new partner will never come close to your ex.
I'm still figuring out what I need to do because moving on isnt an option for me, I wish you all the best because I know how hard it is. Keep strong and never lose your dignity in front of her, always be the bigger person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): yeah, i see your point but i would hate to realise its over. On the other hand, even if she starts dating someone else, maybe she will realise what she is missing with me and she never said she wasn't having a great time etc. I know i am probably just dreaming that she will fall again for me once we meet again (we are both avoiding to see each other for now but it will happen once the group is back in a couple of months) and spend time together, have fun etc.
what i dont understand is: Is it possible that, because of the psychological condition she is in now, she is not able to see what her true feelings are for me? I am not looking for encouragement, i need your true opinion :)
thanks again
PS. Still no contact after 10 days since our last "discussion"..
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A
male
reader, the one who doesn't know  +, writes (8 November 2008):
 maybe that's exectally what you need. that's what i do to my "pacients". i shock tem, and then hear as they unbottle all the feelings. when they're exhausted, and had lost every bit of anger and frustration, i ask them to talk about that same matter. and they seem a lot more calm. you shoud wait to see her with that guy (if he happens to exist) and let the dream, or the nightmare to end.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): hey, i thank you for replying :)
I know what you are talking about but for the last 1.5 months (since she disappeared i knew something was wrong, i could feel it wasnt like the previous times), i tried taking my mind off her and do other stuff etc but it just doesnt work, i know it takes time. I thought about having someone else in my life, just flirting or something, not a relationship because, even if at times i think it will help, i do not have the right to hurt someone else!! But i am afraid it will take a very long time to stop having that feeling in my stomach and i dont even see her. In a couple of months the rest of our friends are coming back home so i will be seeing her again as nobody knows anything about this. I dread the moment that i will see her with someone else in our group of friends, it just hurts thinking about it, cant imagine seeing it because deep down i still have hope for her and seeing her with someone else will make me realise its over...
again thank you for all your help
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A
male
reader, Austinalive  +, writes (7 November 2008):
Hey, thanks for asking more about "moving on". I'm sure you've heard about "a nail gets out another nail", commonly used to say that if you date somebody else you'll forget your previous partner. Well, that's thoroughly false, a nail hides the other one.After a person dies family and friends spend some time accepting his/her death, something similar should happend with relationships, you can't start one without haven't finished the previous.Take time to spend for you: sports, work, movies, etc, till you feel you're capable of watching her without feeling that struggle in you stomach.Otherwise you could hurt innocent people. This is the bravest and healthiest way of "moving on", by your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): hey austinalive, thanks for your input. Yes i am inlove with her, just to give you an example, when i saw her accidentally in the street a month ago (after not seeing her for a couple of weeks) i was shaking for half an hour. Maybe its an unlucky example but i know i am inlove with her :)
i know she is unstable but i was hoping that the specialist she is seeing will help her, i am very afraid that she will fall or think she did for someone else while still unstable and it will harm her even more
moving on for me means try to get her out of my mind and i think(correct me please) that seeing other people, date or something will help me because i cannot take her out of my mind, i sleep and wake up thinking about her..
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A
male
reader, Austinalive +, writes (7 November 2008):
in attention to what you wrote after: what's "moving on" for you? dating someone else right away? if so, you're wrong, take your time.
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A
male
reader, Austinalive +, writes (7 November 2008):
Are you really in love? it sounds to me that both of you got trapped in passion, she's getting over it, but trust me, she'll fall again (not necesarily with you) because she's unstable.Let her go, maybe she'll come to you, but is a lie (i guess) you shouldn't expect a real relationship with her and waiting for it won't help you, neither her.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): Thank you so much for reading through all this and for replying (i put the question up)
I understand she is confused and i ve always told her that once she broke up we wouldnt rush into anything, i would be patient. I also understand why she went to a therapist, all the guilts etc (which tells me she definately is not the person who takes this lightly, trust me i know what WE did was wrong)
So am i right to choose not to believe what she is saying? (not inlove with me anymore, ill find someone else etc). Honestly it sounds like a psychologists advice!
i have suffered so much these past 7 months, she means everything to me, just the thought of losing her forever makes me go crazy.
the door is always open for her but what i told her when we spoke last was that if she sees another man then i cannot take her back (dont know if that sounds selfish or reasonable)
what i also dont understand, if i move on, wont she think (even if she made me do it with her behaviour and asked for it specifically) that i didnt actually love her that much?? and make it easier for her to seek for someone else? and she is amazingly pretty, she can have whoever she wants
thanks again :)
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A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 it looks like she can t decide which one to choose and she is shutting both of you out, she wants to be alone to sort things out
she s been with him most of her adult life, so she has to learn a new step in her own personal development : how to accept a failed relationship and how to give herself the right to start anew on her own
so she s probably not ready to start a relationship with you now, as the former ups and downs have showed
if she means this much too you, tell her that the door is open but move on, don t wait for her
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