A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for last 6 years and I would like to say happily until last week when my husband confessed that he had sex with a prostitute recently on an official trip. I have sort of forgiven him and have been trying to come to terms with it. He says he is guilty and would never commit such a mistake ever in his life. I love him a lot and cannot think of leaving him but still the thoughts of him having sex with a prostitute haunts me. Questions like: What is the guarantee he'll not do this again? How to trust him again... but then Why did he tell me? He could have kept it a secret all his life. With regards to our sexual life- I am more pro active, most of our love making sessions are initiated by me - he says he is sexually, mentally and intellectually satisfied with me and feels proud that I am his wife... but then I don't understand what prompted him to have sex with a prostitute. Can you please HELP AND ANSWER.
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female
reader, smartazngirl  +, writes (8 November 2008):
 If he confessed that he had sex with someone else, then that already shows that he feels really guilty & sorry about it. Once a man is feeling guilty, it might take him a while to get over it. I don't think that he'll do something like this again because...
First, it takes a lot of courage just to confess to you of what he's done.
Second, he's feeling very guilty & sorry about this.
So, yeah. I wouldn't count on it happening again.
Forgive & let it go. Though, that's easier said than done. But, it already happened, so you have to accept it.
As for your husband, I'm not exactly sure why he would do that. Perhaps he had stay away from you too long that he needed sex? I'm not sure, but... The only real answer is your husband's. Try to talk this out with him. Communication is the key. (A quote that I've heard many times before)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): My ex husband once told me while we were watching "Pretty Woman" movie on TV that he had hired a prostitute.
I never got over it, really.
To me, prostitutes are victims of society. Most of them have pimps and are not free persons.
I told him that his act was dispicable. That woman was someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's granddaughter, and probably someone's mother....of course, he didn't think of that when he used her for his own, selfish desires.
Just my 2 cents worth.
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A
male
reader, Awiserowl  +, writes (7 November 2008):
I think the fact that you initiate most of the sex is the answer here. Perhaps he feels a little intimidated by this? A prostitute is not demanding and certainly doesn't expect any kind of sexual pleasure from the act. It's just a job to her and no matter how bad (or good) he performs he will not be judged.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (7 November 2008):
 My best male friend is a habitual prostitute user although he is very happily married and has been for a long while. He says that the urge for sex suddenly becomes so strong that it is all he can think about and wants it straight after work. He says it is the fact that it is an unknown woman, that although he may ask for a particular type he doesn't know what they will be like, the normal relative seediness of the flats, having the door answered by their maid etc etc, it is all such a turn on and so different from his nice home and pleasant willing wife. To him it is just something different, he feels nothing for the woman it is just an act. I would imagine it was just the same for your husband and although it is upsetting and hurtful it is not as if he betrayed you mentally or loves this person it is just sex. Obviously he feels very guilty and must really love you as he told you, he didn't need to do that so he cares enough for you to not want anything bewteen you. Business trips, men in foreign places, normally on their own or with work colleagues, it happens all the time. Tell him that you are glad he shared this with you but that you would be hurt if he did it again, then forgive him.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (7 November 2008):
 At the very least, I would suggest you make sure he feels extremely guilty about this: shout, scream, show how much it has hurt you. Deliver ultimata about what's going to happen if he ever does anything like this again. In short, make absolutely sure he has no doubt that this sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable in a relationship.
But, having said that, it doesn't have to be the end of the world or the end of your relationship. Bad as it is, it's actually far less serious than if he had had sex with, for example, a woman living down the road from you. It wasn't "love" (which the woman down the road might have been); it's not going to be any sort of relationship (which again the woman down the road might have been). It was sex, and nothing more than sex. From one viewpoint, you could regard it as no more serious than masturbation - although, of course, there is always the risk of catching something nasty from a prostitute and from that fact alone it's obviously not acceptable that he should do it.
To have sex with a prostitute when he has a perfectly good sexual relationship at home is weakness. It's something you should remind him of whenever there is the remotest possibility he might have the opportunity to do it again - but NOT something that you have to go on and on about forever, because that's a sure way to end your relationship. It's a weakness of his character that you can help to strengthen by reminding him at suitable moments rather than all day every day.
And you don't understand why he did it? Because men, most men, are driven by sex and sexual thoughts. Women, all of them (well, most of them) are sexually desirable to us whether or not we already have a relationship. For most of us, we resist the temptation because although we want it and may think about it, we don't NEED it and we value our relationship. For some, the weaker characters, the temptation is too much and we take the opportunity if it arises or even go and look for the opportunity.
You don't have to understand it. You only have to make sure it isn't something that he will do again - and I'm certain that if you make the point appropriately, then he'll have the strength to avoid the temptation. But don't imagine for one moment he won't think about doing it; we all do, and we all need someone to remind us if we're not strong enough to avoid the temptation ourselves.
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