A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last night i babysat my mates little girl who is 11 and found out something im really not happy about....Now heres the situation. They have hardly any money-Her partner works part time and she doesnt have a job-basically they are lazy people and scroungers. I've known my mate a fair few years and she is a really nice person and we confide in eachother alot it just irritates me she doesnt work!I used to help her out finacially because her partner used to spend anything he earnt on drink and cigarettes and she used be so down so i used to give her money in secret which she used to hide from him.I NO LONGER do this as i got fed up with her not being able to help herself.Last night her little girl said to me ...out of the blue that she wanted me to buy her some new clothes. I told her that when its her birthday i will take her out and we can go clothes shopping. She then came out with "but your rich you can afford to buy me things even when its not for my birthday".I was shocked-i mean i have a good job and a finacially can support myself but i found it rude!I asked her what made her think i was rich and she said "mummy and daddy always say that you're rich because you live in a big house and have expensive thing".I then asked what else her parents say about me and she replied "just that you should give us some money to help us because we are poor".I never told my friend this when she came home and i dont know what to do.I mean i dont think she is lying-i remember quite clearly over the past few years her dad used to make comments to my face about how much i spend on clothes and my house etc..And me and my boyfriend went away with them for a weekend and he constantly hinted that we should pay for drinks and food... (which by the way we didnt act on)!I feel angry with them because if it is true then they have no one to blame but themselves for being lazy!Advice please!
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female
reader, RCK  +, writes (1 March 2010):
Wow sounds like your talking about me and my cousins family. Same situation her boys came to me and asked me if I could give them some spending money. I of course said no as they need to earn their pocket money. They said to me but your rich you can afford it not like our parents they are always broke. I sat the kids down and talked to them the importance of earning money and saving it. Something their parents obviously had not explained to them. This worked well because this gave guidance to the kids and a boost their minds to think about achieving great jobs when they are older. As for the parents I never talked to them about the situation but did however stop giving the parents money and instead only give money to the kids once they have completed doing some work around my house. Haven't heard anything about what I buy or how much I earn for over a year now.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 You are their tooth fairy godmother.You are generous , kind and good natured. God bless you.
That child is innocent and it is not wrong to give to the poor.If you want to help them , you should not be judgmental.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Envy! They are ennvious and jealous but lack the drive to improve thier own situation. Their logic is probably so warped they think their situation is out of their hands and that you are well off through mere chance or luck and that you should share that with them. You probably have more money through hard work and less irresponsible spending but they may not see that.A few options. You either push this aside and retain the friendship (hard, but maybe possible), or you raise it with them which from the sounds of it could end the friendship, or just walk away or reduce the friendship. For example maybe stay friends but don't go away with them for the weekend as that is just going to highlight this problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Typical problem of people hanging out in different socio-economic classes. It always creates these problems. Obviously these people have no respect for money or you. YOu can constantly lecture them about how to deal with money or Just ditch them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Don't ever support them again, period. If you still want to babysit, it's up to you, but I would never give them any material things or money, because they've already been judging you wrongly for the times you have in the past.
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A
female
reader, CherryBoom  +, writes (28 February 2010):
if i were you, i would break off all ties.
there is no point is giving them a chance. if she prefers staying at home rather than looking for a job than it is not your responsibility to feed and clothe her family.
and to that Laura person, it is not always the states fault. without having a good educational background you won't be able to get a good or high paid job so stop bickering!
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A
male
reader, satrecamus +, writes (28 February 2010):
Dump them. They are losers. The only reason you would stay around them is to make yourself feel superior.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (28 February 2010):
 I agree with quiet-echo regarding this situation. I think you should carefully explain the situation to the child yourself.Simply explain that you have worked for your money and that this is simply the basis of working hard to 'earn' a living. Reassure her that you love her as your friend's child and that you love to babysit when you can, and that you enjoy buying her little gifts as birthday presents. But explain to her that it is her parents' responsibility to look after her and that it is THEM and only them that she should ask for new clothes and presents from. Explain that it is very rude of her to directly ask you for gifts or money, and explain that money and wealth is a very personal business and that it is rude to be so direct with someone in this manner.Explain to her that parents are directly responsible to look after their children and that if she wants to have money to spend and be able to look after her own children when she is an adult, then she will have to work hard and earn enough money both for herself and to provide her children with a comfortable home and food and clothes.-Even at age 11, it should be pretty easy- and very important! -for her to grasp that she can't just ask other people for things and expect them to provide for her.Without saying anything directly against her mum- and be VERY careful not to do so- make sure someone as caring as yourself explains life to her clearly and simply. She at least deserves a chance of understanding even if her mum has been such a poor example!After you've said your piece though, I'd stay away from this family more often than not. This 'mate' has really been no friend to you at all!Best Wishes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): You need to consider giving these people the most precious gift of all- the ability to fall on their face. I'd move on, and cut all ties. This relationship seems to have nothing in it for you. You give, they take. They learn: you give, they take. They've learned: we don't have to, others will for us.
They need to learn: we better learn to do for ourselves.
Look- I've got an Aunt and Uncle (no kids) who are great people. They've owned a very popular new age shop in a major US city for 25 years. Very popular, lots of great press, big client following.
Problem is that they have NEVER earned more than they need to live. Zero savings, no rainy day fund, no profit. It's been a problem every time there is ANY non-typical expense. Need a roof? Need to move, bad storm does damage to the shop, power outage? Name it. They've never learned, why? Their siblings have covered them. They have even had multiple "fund raiser" events for the shop- like they're the SPCA or something!
Now everyone's retiring- the siblings can't continue to fund them and they have nothing... they are up a creek, with NO retirement, no safety net, nothing. They might love another 20 years. How, I don't know, but their nieces and nephews are not likely going to write the checks.
Your "friend" needs to fall on her face now- it will hurt alot more later.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 February 2010):
If the state were to dispense you money and you reject it because it is below your dignity to accept such money , I don't know whether to laugh or cry at your sense of self worth.
When there was a flood in my place, the govt. gave out $300 per family and all those very rich people went to collect it.Money is money and what is character and moral?
Some average people did not want those money because they thought they have high morals and character.They felt it was too low for them to stoop to collect it.
I don't know who is wiser.The rich people who knows the value of money or the poor who thinks character is more important.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 February 2010):
To quiet-echo,
It is not that they do not want to find jobs, but those jobs that are available does not pay well.
They are looking for better paying jobs which are scarce. With the world's economy in a slum, many are laid off and searching for better paying jobs are not easy.
Not all of them are like the way you think.Only a small minority are freeloaders.To lump them altogether is incorrect.
Some people have pride but they are caught in a situation where they do not have a choice.
Anyway, when the state pays you more for not working ,it will attract more freeloaders.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 February 2010):
I sympathized with those who worked hard for a living and get taxed to the hilt.
She is lazy because she is a product of your country's F**ked up socialist system. Always expecting the state and those who are rich to give them money like the state owes them a living.
There is really no incentive to work in your country . Why work when the state subsidized your living.?
Some of them even living on the generosity of the state for over 3 generations. Some of them even living luxuriously with the state funds.
She chose the easy way .
If you don't agree with her decisions, you can simply walk away from them.
Enough is enough!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Laura1318 is exactly what's wrong with this world; nothing is ever anyones fault, blame the state. Yes, its hard to work and look after children but people do it, my mother did and I respect her so much more for it.I feel sorry for you because it sounds like she's making her poverty your problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Laura-im the origional poster. My friend is more than capable of working, she is just LAZY! Her child is 11 which means she is at school from 9-3 everday so my mate could work the hours whilst she is at school so theres no need for child care.Too many people take advantage of benefits-US TAX PAYERS pay for their living!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): quiet echo-i posted this and no the other post isnt mine! If you read it properly the age of the other poster is older and my My mate has 1 child and inm NOT her godmother and her partner works unlike the other posters friend where they are both unemployed.Oh and she isnt pregnant!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 February 2010):
Blame it on your crazy granny state.She gets more by not working than out looking for a job.
The state gives aids to those unemployed and those mothers with children and it is more than what she can get by working.
You cannot judge them being lazy people or scroungers.It is the state social welfare system which made them that way.There is no more shame in receiving aid .
Who in the right mind would work and get paid less?
Furthermore, who will take care of her kid if she works? She cannot afford to employ a nanny or send her to a day care center.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Id first off tell this 11 year old what the real word looks like, that what you do with your money is up to you and that you are not obliged to buy her new clothes just because you have money to do so. Tell her that it is her mothers job to buy her new clothes, and that the only time she will get things from you is for her birthday. Then leave it be. She sounds spoiled by you to be honest, why else would she ask you for things if she doesnt normally get things from you? Or perhaps she has observed how you give in and pay for others things from time to time and figured you are to be used as a private bank. Children are selfish by nature and can be very rude, but what they know and say come from observation as well as what they have been told. If you have acted like you pay for others things, then this little girl knows that this is what she can expect you to do.
Just stop paying for others things, permanently. And if this girl asks for things again, just say no. Tell her to ask her mother instead of you. You are NOT her mother after all, and it is NOT your job to provide for her.
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