A
female
age
41-50,
*rs0809
writes:Reposted with an update:We've been married for 3 months, been together for 3 and half years in total. We lived together for a year but I moved back in with my parents cos I hated his housemates. We got our own place and moved in a week before the wedding. For me the biggest problem is he is selfish, he never does anything round the house unless he's literally begged to. He never pays me any compliments or says or does anything to make me feel good about myself, he never takes me anywhere, he doesn't even do small things like make me a cup of tea, breakfast once in a while. We hardly ever have sex, he prefers to masturbate to porn in his little xbox room which is where he spends most of his life, when we do have sex he's all about himself and rarely makes any effort to please me and never gives me oral sex. I've spoken to him about it all till I'm blue in the face and he's not interested. He said the reason we hardly have sex is because he feels comfortable with me and doesn't want sex as much now, yet goes into his little room and has a w@nk every morning before going to work. I'm certain I've made a mistake, if I'm honest I think it's only been planning the wedding for the last 18 months that has kept us together this long. I foolishly thought once we had our own place that he would change and we'd have sex more often but I was wrong and I can't deal with the fact that he'd rather have a w@nk than come to bed and be with his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, I'm getting angry just thinking about the whole situation. I feel totally trapped. I feel like a total idiot and can't believe I was so blind to what he is a really like. I desperately want to leave but I'm scared about what friends, family and colleagues would think of me walking out on him after only 3 months of marriage. To top it off we work at the same company! I just want to run away and never come back.Ok so we're now 6 months down the line and things were getting better, or so I thought. We haven't had sex for 2 weeks, this is mainly my fault. I've started a very restrictive diet and I'm having some self esteem issues. I walked into his xbox room yesterday to ask him something and I noticed on the table a packing slip from an adult film site which had no less than 6 porn films on that he'd ordered and received, I confronted him and said "what is this?" and he said "oh. You weren't supposed to see that! haha" I saw red and stormed out and haven't spoken one word to him since, I slept in the spare room last night and have done nothing but cry all day. I feel broken. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. He doesn't even think he's done anything wrong, my self esteem is at an all time low and all I want from him is to show me he wants me. I feel empty. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (8 February 2010):
 There are some great responses to your dilemma. There is no doubt that you are in a tough spot at the moment. But the question arises as to whether you want to stay with this man or not. The marriage is in trouble, but nowhere near dead.
It will take effort from him, and effort from you too.
Can you put your anger aside, and remember why you were once crazy about him? What was it that made you agree to marriage? You need to go back to that place, where maybe you overlooked some of his faults because the pleasure of his company was more enjoyable. He hasn't lost those qualities, but Miamine is right, he takes you for granted.
Firstly you have to realise that you both need to start working at your relationship. What were your expectations of married life? What sort of role division did you have in mind? Did you discuss those roles? Secondly, what are his expectations of what the word 'wife' means? Is he confusing wife with cook/cleaner/dumb waiter/servant? You really need to know. Don't guess. Ask him straight. Sort out roles that you are BOTH prepared to stick to.
Take Miamine's advice and start with loving yourself. Get his self doubt sliding up. If you want to go out, and he doesn't, call a girlfriend and go. Or, surprise him, and take HIM out. Nothing to stop you doing that either.
As for the sex, get that x-box into the living room, or the bedroom. He is avoiding his issue of sex with you because he is basically full of fear. He knows that you have needs, and he has to be considerate to your needs. He also knows that failure to satisfy those needs may mean a bit of a nagging, or stony unsatisfied silence from you. So he hides in the x-box room, masturbating. Mindless, emotionless, pressure free ejaculation. Your own masturbation means that you know what you want him to do, and how you want him to do it, so tell him, don't make him guess. Try to reduce his fear a little.
Because we only have your side of the story, we can all give you fairly solid advice on how to deal with his issues, but how does HE feel about YOU?
He was mad about you once. He probably still is. Why did he choose you? What did he see that attracted him so much? What does he see now? There are always two sides to a story, so it is difficult to give a balanced argument.
If your desire to continue the marriage is strong, you will probably be fine. If not, leave. Even if you feel that he and you are at opposite ends of a pole, if you both start working towards the middle, through trying to understand each other's fears, things can become better than ever.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Hi Mrs, yep, I can you that you are open minded to pornography and masturbation.. so we can dump that, because it's not really the problem in your marriage
You know what, I think he's taking you for granted, he doesn't expect you to go anywhere so he dosen't have to try. I think you should show him that loosing you would destroy his life. Therefore I think you need to have an affair, an affair with you.
Now how do women in affairs behave. The start to take care of themselves, wear perfume, get new hair, start trying to look good for their "other man". They don't seem to care much about housework, and they smile like they always got a secret naughty thought in mind. They usually seem to always be busy, and they never seem to be at home.
Hope you see what I'm getting at Mrs. Get new hobby, spend time on self, let the house stay a mess, become too tired for sex, he'll bloody notice soon enough, and let's see if he changes and tries to fight for you. When the explosion comes you can tell him that you gave up and started making YOU happy, instead of working on a marriage with a man doesn't care.
Look after you, put you first, let him see that you can withdraw and pull away as easy as he can.
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Porn is addicting and it sounds like he is hooked. With porn comes masturbation. So porn IS your problem. Also porn gives men a messed up outlook on their sexual relationships with their partners. We are not porn stars, we don't look like them, we don't act like them, and we don't have sex like them. We require time, love, and emotion. Porn doesn't require anything or want anything or need anything, but a woman does. Get rid of the porn and you eliminate most of your problem. I don't know if that will change him from being a lazy douch into a loving husband, but it will be a start. Stand up to him, quit crying, stop asking him to change. Tell him either the porn goes (all porn, not just the DVD's, no more computer porn or any other form of porn in your house) or you want a divorce. Then if he doesn't stop, leave him and file for a divorce. Forget about what anyone thinks about your leaving him. My favorite saying is If you don't sleep in my bed, keep your mouth shut about what I do. I called him lazy because it requires time and energy to have a good sexual relationship with you, not just a quick hand job that requires nothing emotionally. He is a very selfish person as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I feel sorry for you, you've landed in a rotten situation, not really knowing the man you married. But Im not going to blame you and say you should have known better. No one knows better, you knew the man he was when you were dating, and moving in together in your own place revealed all the little things you didn't see before. That's part of getting married though, if it's of any conciliation. I've heard that the first 3 years of marriage is a roller coaster and quite nasty at some points. Maybe you could call it an adjustment phase. Point is though, I think you can save this marriage. 3 and some years with him went fine, up 'til the point your love was so great you wanted to marry each other. That is a strong foundation, and the years together before marriage can help you now. You do know this man. You love him, and he loves you. Right now it stinks, but who's saying it will be like this forever. I will offer some advice that I hope will ease the situation for you. But all the advice I can give will be for YOU, and not directed at him. First thing you have to come to peace with is that you can never change anyone. You said you hoped things would change once you got your own place, and maybe now you're hoping he will change and not want the w@nks in the morning. Forget about that. Thats a very passive attitude, and it wont get you anywhere either. You have to be more active in your own relationship, and that means stop running away from problems. Move back in in the same bed as him. He's probably understood that something is wrong with you and you aren't feeling well, but how most guys think is very very simple: he probably thinks you need some time alone to make you feel better. He doesn't understand that what you need is a hug. Guy don't read between the lines. You have to be up front and brutally honest. Maybe it makes you feel embarrassed, and like you are opening your heart for attacks if you go to him first. But do it! You say you've talked about this over and over? Talking didn't help then, so figure out what can help.Moving in with you he still seems to live on his own in a way. He has his own room, the so caleld x-box room? Do you have your own room? Get rid of that room. He can still masturbate in the morning, but in front of you. He wants to watch porn? Then watch it with you. No need for him to stop doing what he likes, but he isn't living on his own anymore, he lives with you, his wife. Time to realize that! Compromise on that, and participate in things he likes, even if that is watching porn! Porn can be great for girls too, and a nice experience to watch together as a couple. Don't be fooled by the "all the porn girls are so pretty and Im not"-jibberish. It's not true, you know it, so don't sulk away with that. Back to that, about you and your self esteem. You know yourself you're not on top right now. Only you can make it better! You can't rely on your man to make you feel happy! Really! Happiness must come from yourself first! If you can't even make yourself happy, then neither can he. Then after you get back on top, work in some nice and comfortable routines around the house. Routines as in: he makes breakfast for you both every morning and you make dinner, he does the laundry and you do the floors etc etc. Whatever fits the two of you. Even a small routine like him preparing a cup of tea for you every evening at 8pm or something. And every morning he grabs your boobs and gives them a squeeze. Small things like that can change everything, and until they come naturally, why not implement some?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I feel the best thing would be for you to leave him, just have a break and see how you feel.
You are in a very unhappy place, and he doesnt seem to appreciate you at all. So why are you still there??
So what if friends and family scorn you a bit? Let them. It will be alot worse to stay. I think you will find that when you leave you simply wont go back.
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A
female
reader, Mrs0809 +, writes (8 February 2010):
Mrs0809 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't even bear to look at him at the moment, I'm so angry and hurt.
Let me be clear - it's not the porn or the masturbation that is the problem. It's the fact he's substituting sex with me with masturbation. And it's something I will never be able to accept.
I've left him a letter and he'll read it when he gets in from work. I haven't given him an ultimatum but I have asked him to return the DVD's and chose something we could watch together.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I do not understand, you have been living together for more than 3 years and you haven`t notice those little issues?
Dear, wouldn't it has been cheaper to make a play of a fairy tale weeding, so you can fulfill your fantasy?
Men do not change, if he has a defect it will grow bigger every day.
Marriage is a serious commitment. It means you will accept your mate with all his virtues and defects, that you will be for him as he will be for you for ever, in the good ones and the bad ones to.
You might have choose the wrong guy, have puted too much pressure on him so you got married.... . So is your time to make a decision.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (8 February 2010):
 After reading your first 3-month experience, I was going to recommend that you get an annulment or whatever the local legal terminology is (speak to a lawyer in your area). After reading the follow-up information, I'm still inclined to recommend the same thing -- get out... but, giving it a little more thought, I would say that perhaps you should confront him on this issue. You need to express how his porno movies make you feel.
Be warned: guys and their porno are kind of a private/personal thing. In most cases, it's really not a reflection on you, your desirability, etc. In addition, it's probably something that he's watched long before you came into the picture. But, that said, you really need to have an open conversation with him about it. Crying to yourself isn't going to solve anything at all -- discussion will. Be cautious of the "me or the movies" ultimatum; starting a yelling match isn't going to do anything at all.
Best wishes...
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