A
male
age
30-35,
*forde04
writes:Less than five months ago I was a complete loner – I had never been to a party, only been out with friends and peers a few times, mostly on events organized by my school. I had a revelation in the summer that I myself would have to do something about the position I was in. Fate, and good luck are two ideas I am very suspicious of; I believe only we can change our circumstances for the better. So, after exerting a lot of effort, and really pushing myself to the limits (socially speaking) I managed to establish myself socially. Now, I have a good group of friends, I regularly go out, attend parties, go to bars and pubs with friends, go out for meals, to the cinema and hang out around people’s houses. I know that I have accomplished a lot. As a 17 year old guy however, I am begging to think that its about time I gained a girlfriend; a lot of people around 17 are in relationship. When I say a lot I think there is around a 50/40 divide. I am aware of the fact that many teenage relationships are immature, shallow and emotionally inept – show pieces rather than genuine loving and respecting bonds – the latter is the kind of relationship I want. Essentially I want to meet a woman who I can engage with on an emotionally and intellectually profound level, a true soul mate whom I can love and respect, not a “girlfriend” who I pick up, sleep around with and then dump a few months later – such relationships in my considered opinion are a massive waste of time – you may disagree.Next year, I go to university. In all reality by that point I doubt the fact that I will have had a girlfriend. The years that I spent in my school established me as a nerdy fellow, not cool, stylish dating material – and at my young age you do need some street cred about you to be successful in finding girlfriends, as shallow as that sounds, it is true. Now, without changing the fundamental assets of my character (a love of history, politics, classical and jazz music as well as sailing) I have made myself into a more presentable individual, improving my dress sense as well as more subtle things, they way I behave around and interact with people. This has definitely done a lot to boost me up in the opinions of people who now look to me as a “nice guy” a “reliable and trustworthy friend” . However, I still have the feeling that the aura I developed for many years, that of a socially awkward, extremely unconfident and shy individual still sticks with me – it is part of who I am, I have just learned how to overcome it as such. So, DearCupid.org I ask you the following:In my school there are a few girls, who if I worked at things hard enough I think I could develop some kind of a relationship with. However, I am not really attracted to them as such – they are wonderful, interesting and intelligent women who are amazing friends, but I just don’t think a relationship would work with them for a number of reasons – the mainstay being the fact that we don’t have much in common. Now, I don’t think I should play them or myself around by asking them out in relationships that probably will disintegrate quickly once we leave for university, or even in the worst-case scenario hold aspects of our lives back. However, am I taking a risk leaving things too late?Secondly, and perhaps the favored option from my personal perspective is waiting until I get into university (wherever I end up) and seeing if I can meet people there. I think I am a nice, well-presented guy – and therefore, I do think I stand a chance. With this, there is indeed a risk – I assume I will be one of the few people walking through the gates in the October of 2010 who hasn’t had a girlfriend (or perhaps I am making assumptions?) about an environment I haven’t become part of yet, perhaps, in university relationships and people just “grow up” as such.Anyhow peeps, what should I do?
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immature, never had a girlfriend, shy, soulmate, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HondaTohru  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Well... I don't think you should let the fear of being stigmatized hold you back; not everyone is judgmental enough to reject someone because of how their social standing used to be. I was more thinking along the lines that you shouldn't try building attraction for someone where there is none. Yes, that would mean leaving part of your life in the hands of luck, but having enlarged your social circle has already increased your chances of finding a girl you'll naturally be interested in. Sorry about that rambling... My point is, if you don't feel like dating a girl grom your high school, well, don't.
A
male
reader, lforde04 +, writes (31 December 2010):
lforde04 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you that I can be over analytical of my life in general but I disagree that it is paralysing me as such. The people I socialize with and my closest friends; we have been together since pre-school - a very long time. My argument for waiting until university is based around the idea that people won't have the memories of me, and I won't have the stigma of the anti-social and awkward teen that has haunted me for much of my life (as short as it's been)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): ...Paralysis by analysis....you maybe too smart for your own good. Relationships and attraction aren't something you can plan out on a time line (in university vs highschool). This isn't a problem you can solve in your mind or take apart with words...And I am getting the sense you are avoiding or putting off things you know you are going to do anyway. Stop reading this site and go meet some women.
:)
Good luck. I'm confident you'll be fine and you won't end up alone. Stop worrying so much.
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A
male
reader, lforde04 +, writes (31 December 2010):
lforde04 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to make it clear that I don't want to rush into anything - that is a bad approach to my "problem", if you can call it that. Besides I am avidly against 'dating for the sake of dating', however, the sort of person that I am, and the experiences I have had in life, have taught me that nothing comes without effort from your side and simply sitting down and allowing fate to forge your path means that ultimately you will get nowhere. A short trawl through "I have never had a girlfriend" posts on numerous Q&A websites reveals the woeful tales of 26-28 year old males who have never had girlfriends. Obviously, I can sympathize with their situation - it sure isn't nice not having a companion however, I would like to bet that they were in a similar situation at my age and quite simply did nothing about it. I suppose the crux of this question was whether I should do anything to improve my situation now, in the present, or wait nine months, until I have a completely clean slate and a new beginning in University and then seriously look at finding someone - the latter I shall most likely opt for.
When I talk about changing my presentation, I don't mean that I have changed my character in any way at all (the rather stubborn and constant person I am, I would never do that). I've changed the way I dress, the way I interact with people, the way I perceive myself and perhaps the way I perceive other people. These are steps that I took to improve my image - the way one is presented accounts for many people's primary perceptions of that individual, that being an unavoidable fact. This has worked well; tomorrow for example, it is New Years Eve and I am going to a night long party - incidentally, new years 2010, was spent alone and every one before that. So, when I talk about 'Changing my Presentation' in terms of dating, I haven't changed my character, or my way of being just the physical way I appear and the way I behave in social situations so, quite simply, I am more approachable.
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A
female
reader, justjess +, writes (30 December 2010):
 hmmm... now why couldnt you be at my school?
You sound like a great chap, and you will no doubt find the perfect girl for you. But your still young (well I have to say that I'm calling my self old :)) and theres pleanty of time for everything. I've never had a boyfriend because like you I don't want the teenage sorta thing, I want the real deal and if I have to wait till I'm older then so be it, life is long so why rush anything?
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A
female
reader, HondaTohru +, writes (30 December 2010):
Wow. I'm seriously impressed. Your story has given me hope that I can climb over that wall that separates me from my peers and finally connect with them! I'm the same age as you, never had a boyfriend and don't really feel the need to find one that soon, but time is passing and I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll be able to meet someone like you've described; a man who can really connect with my soul. Seems like an impossible feat.
So, my advice to you; actually I'll give you two choices.
1- Don't push yourself too much, as you've already done so much during the past year. In my opinion, romantic interests can develop better without the strain of wanting them to develop. And I don't think there's anything wrong with never having been in a relationship when you start university. Just go with the flow!
2- Marry me. Yeah, I'm only half serious, me living in Canada and all, but, well, from what I've read in your post, you have a really nice personality and come off as intelligent and determined. I like that ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Hi there,
Honey, I promise you, you do not need to worry about that. Now, your story is actually startlingly similar to mine when I was 17. After 2 years of waiting and wondering, it just... happened: I got myself a boyfriend of my dreams.
You, at 17, shouldn't worry about that. From my experience, it's absolutely better if it just happens naturally when you don't expect it.
So to answer your question about these high school girls. Look you aren't interested in them, right? So don't waste your time dating them if you don't like them. What is better than going on a date with a girl you actually like?
Good luck, I see myself in you and I hope for the very best for you. Take care, buddy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): No, you shouldn't be getting worried. You're just a late bloomer. You sound intelligent, self-aware, and proactive about your situation.
But... you also sound incredibly risk-averse and a bit pretentious when you go on and on about making yourself into a "presentable individual." You seem to believe a shy, nerdy guy is unworthy of a women's attention.
A couple of my retrospective thoughts about dating in college or things I wish I had learned earlier:
1) Accept that you will make mistakes and date the "wrong" people occassionally. See dating as a learning process...learn what you like in a person and what you don't and move on. Be willing to explore and make mistakes... Don't judge yourself harshly.
2)Don't make the mistake of taking yourself too seriously and try to build a persona...be the shy and akward indiviual you are. Everyone feels vulnerable when they date, and it's reassuring to know occasionally that even men feel that way too. If a guy is particularly shy around a woman, it can be the nicest form of flattery...more so than a contrived compliment. A guy that goes around pretending he isn't vulnerable can be a drag.
3) Nerds and mutes have increasing social capital as they get older...The one advantage shy men have over more aggressive men is that the women come to them...and the women who do come to them tend to be more intelligent, articulate, and interested in their personality.
That's about all the advice I have....I met tons of people in university who hadn't had girlfriends or boyfriends when they matriculated. I didn't have my first BF until I was 19. I recall some girlfriends at the time thought he was strange or akward...but I liked him alot and remember him very fondly. We've moved on, but we are still on good terms.
Don't worry so much about your age, worry about the person you'd like to be involved with. Dating should be a fun experience, not an anxious one. Good luck!
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