A
female
age
30-35,
*_Corbi8
writes:A few months ago I took a huge step by telling one of my friends that I’m gay. She was the first person I told. The risk paid off as she confessed that she was also gay, which I had previously suspected, and we talked about it. I recently had my 19th birthday and it made me realise that I want to make progress (of some sort) on this whole issue. I want to take her up on an offer to go to a gay bar with her and some of her friends.My problem is that I live with my parents and the best bars (or at least the ones my friend goes to) would require staying away for a few nights. I’m close to my parents and hate the thought of lying to them about where I’m going, however I’m not out to them yet.My parents are fairly laid back and I know they wouldn’t react extremely negatively towards the news. However, actually saying the words to them seems so frightening. I’m wondering should I just bite the bullet and tell my parents I’m gay so I don’t have the guilt of lying to them about where I’m going? Or is there another way around all of this?Thanks for reading and all responses are welcome! =)
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female
reader, E_Corbi8 +, writes (11 July 2012):
E_Corbi8 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the great responses! They really helped, and as it happens, I told my mother today. She took the news well and, to my surprise, said she kind of already knew!
I still have to have the talk with my dad but I'll do that in the coming days/weeks when I feel ready for it.
Again, thanks for the answers, they helped to put things in perspective for me.
A
female
reader, IamJess  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 If you and your parents are close and its just the words frightening you not the thought of what bad things they could say, then tell them.
I'm sure they'd rather you be honest with them, and its nothing to be ashamed of, your parents are still going to love you the same way and look at you the same way, you will just be able to be more open with what your interested in, what your doing and who you'll be with.
Then when at least you find someone you like you don't have to hide the whole relationship to them and it won't come as such a shock if they know.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Why do people like you have to make this grand "Coming out" statement to everyone?
Why the need to proclaim the fact you fancy other women? I can't imagine a guy coming home to his parents shouting "I've just shagged my first girl!"
Just do what you want to do - you don't need to describe in detail every movement you make to anyone. You're just going away with friends for a "girly" few days/ nights. No-one cares what you get up to, that's your business. Slowly but surely, people will soon get the message as to your orientation.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Coming out to your parents is so hard. My brother who knew he was gay by the time he was 14 told me... I kept that secret for him for 4 more years and then he told mom...
we waited a few more years to tell dad... who now is fine with it. My brother has been with his husband 12 years (married 3).... they are GREAT together and my dad is now fine with it...
sounds like your parents will be cool about it so when you are ready you probably want to tell them to keep everything on the up and up...
IF you are going away with friends to go to the bars (and just for a weekend trip with some friends) can you just tell your folks you are going away with friends for the weekend or something? IF they ask with who, you tell them... if they ask what you are going to do you tell them "hit up a couple of bars etc" or whatever else you plan to do...
if they push then you can tell them right away
otherwise you could probably ease them into it.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (10 July 2012):
 It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents and you clearly want them to know instead of having to lie to them. I understand actually saying the words must seem terrifying but once it's out there I'm sure you'll feel a huge sense of relief.
You are their daughter, they will love you no matter what and although it may be a shock initially they will appreciate that you felt able to talk to them and it'll be a weight off your mind too. Good luck
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 July 2012):
Generally speaking, if you’re sure that you are gay, you should tell family members unless you fear that your safety might be put at risk for so-doing. That doesn’t sound like a concern in this case with your parents, so you should probably pick a good time to ask to talk to them together and explain it. They might be surprised at first and you might need to respect their need to take some time to come to terms with it, but things will get better once the conversation has started.
However, you should tell them when you’re ready, don’t feel that you have to tell them now in order to visit the friend. You could explain to them that you’d like to go and stay with this friend for a few days and that amongst your plans are plans to hang out in some good bars. Does the fact that they are gay bars have to be disclosed? They’re all bars, at the end of the day, that just happen to be popular with a gay clientele. But heterosexual people visit gay bars too. I’m not suggesting that you can or should keep your sexuality a secret forever, but this trip doesn’t have to force you to tell all now if you’re not ready, however if you think that they’ll take it well perhaps it is as good a push as any to encourage you to take the plunge and tell them.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 As YouWish says, if you are 100% sure you are gay and you have been certain of that fact for a long time (years not months) then yes you should talk to them. Honesty is always the best policy and chances are if you have known you are gay for a long time you will have never had boyfriends or took any interest in boys, and your parents probably will have noticed.
Parents might act like they dont know what is going on but they will have their suspicions so chances are they might already have a feeling you are gay, so it wont be a massive surprise to them.
However if you are still unsure about your sexuality, and you want to explore further before you are 100% certain you are gay - then perhaps it is best to wait before you tell your parents.
Going to a gay bar once and not telling your parents the truth is not such a bad thing, you could easily tell them that you are going to a bar (just leave out the gay bar part) that is far away hence you are going to stay with a friend/stay in a hotel etc. You are over 18 now so you can do what you want without your parents permission, and going to a bar in a different town is not a big deal. All you would have to do is tell them where you were going (i.e. the town) and tell them when you will be back, you dont need to mention what kind of bar it is that you are going to.
Try the bar, see what happens, see if it helps confirm your sexuality or not and then take it from there with your parents.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Have you been gay for a long time, or are you now just exploring your attraction towards women?
If you've known you've been gay for a long time, been in relationships with women and knew in your soul that this is your sexual orientation, then sure, talk to your parents and come out to them. If they are understanding like you say, it'll be a really good thing.
However, if you are just beginning to explore your sexuality, have never had a relationship with another woman, have told no one, and this is all very new to you to acknowledge your attraction towards women, I say hold off a bit and explore first. Sexuality is fluid, and not everyone fits into a neat little label.
If this is you, and you haven't yet given yourself time to explore your sexuality, then just tell your parents for now that you're going out with friends to a bar. It's not lying, and it'll give you time to explore and get to know yourself and others. If your parents ask you "Which bar", just say the name of it and leave it at that. Or, if you're going to a few bars, just say "We're gonna go a few places, but me and *insert friend's name* will decide as we go along". Again, not lying.
Bottom line -- there's absolutely no rush whatsoever. You're an adult, so just tell your parents you're going out to a bar, when you'll be back, and keep your phone on you. Parents need to know to not worry, so if you're staying with your best friend for a few days, they won't worry as long as you're reachable via phone or are getting into drugs or other destructive behavior. In fact, tell them you're staying at your friend's so that you don't drink and drive. Parents love that sort of thing.
When the time comes, sooner or later, to come out to them, it'll be okay!
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