A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After talking for 6 months to the same man online, admittedly "love" eachother and talking almost daily when given the chance I'm still confused. Maybe it's because I've never been in a LDR. This is easier than it should be but also more difficult. It's hard to be half a planet away from somebody, especially when you're aching to be in their arms. I'm just wondering if anyone can tell me how to make the distance not seem so far, or at least to help me not see it as so difficult? I'd appreciate any ideas.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 OP, I know you are not going to listen to what I am going to say nor are you going to like it but I have to address this as a person who has done LDRS with folks farther away than driving distance and who has successfully navigated and ended an LDR with moving in together and planning our wedding…. (i.e. I have the ACTUAL life experience in this area to speak to it from my own knowledge not just stuff I’ve READ online)
I don’t mean to discourage you, but I would like you to be more realistic and look at not only YOUR motives for wanting an LDR with no chance of working but HIS as well.
Ok so you have not met yet
You know each other 6 months
And have NO date set for meeting yet... Trying to save the money for a trip is not a good sign honey…. If you need 6 months to save just for the plane ticket then that means that you will only see each other twice a year IF you spend all your money on plane fares. Then there’s gifts (not happening there’s no spare cash), and going out to eat when together, and a hotel room (saving money by letting him stay with you is NOT a good plan, even if you have talked online for 2 years he’s still essentially a STRANGER in your HOME and what if it clearly does not work and he’s come for a 2 week stay)… no a HOTEL for the first visit is mandatory…
Oh and being so far apart means that less than a week or two stay is not a good plan, but having never met, you have no clue if the online chemistry will work IRL so you run a huge risk of having to spend several weeks with someone you realize early on in the visit is NOT going to work out as a boyfriend…then what????
While LDRs are exciting... in this case I am going to strongly suggest that you limit this to ONLINE friends...
Because what I have seen over the years, not just my personal experiences of an LDR with a guy I met in florida when I lived in the USA and he lived in CANADA that after one visit clearly was not going to work as well as a couple of meeting guys online from across the country that came to visit me and after we met in real life realized it was NOT going to work after all is that LDRs where folks have MET online, and are NOT close enough ( a short car drive of 4 hours or less to be honest) to see each other REGULARLY is that MOST (not all I admit) of these relationships while in theory are good and true, some of them are being used by at least ONE of the parties to avoid real life relationships.
LDRS where you can’t/don’t meet quickly are safe for folks who have no clue or desire to have REAL life experiences. IT gives the people in the relationships a sense of “normalcy” to say “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” even if they have
a. Never met
b. Have no concrete plans for meeting in the near future
c. Have no plans to end the distance.
I have to admit that having disposable income makes it easier but many of us don’t.
So let me get realistic with you here
1. You have the communication that’s good
2. I assume at this point you have trust and honesty
3. You are trying to save money to get to meet each other but without a definite plan it’s just pipe dreaming…. And meeting and spending time together is MANDATORY for a real LDR… right now you just have a dream honey… he may not feel like a stranger but I’m telling you that after that first blush of hugging, kissing and having sex… then reality will set in…. Men I have met online, started relationships with and then met IRL, have NEVER worked out… we find that when we meet in real life that our personalities are different, that we don’t’ mesh as well as online… and sometimes the chemistry is not there….
4. Once you meet, (let’s pretend one of you wins the lottery and you can then start seeing each other on a regular basis… to me with an huge distance LDR that means monthly at best and quarterly at bare minimum because if you only see each other twice a year how can you figure out if you want to go to the next step which is so huge that it’s got to be a permanent idea… then you want to see each other more… and honestly with this big distance you guys will see each other a few times a year and spend the whole time having sex…. Truly not figuring out how to integrate each other into day to day life…
So let’s say you do meet before the end of this year…. And you like each other… then what happens?
Do you plan the next meeting? And if you have to save another 6 months, then what happens… you will miss him more and more and more and then maybe you meet a new guy in your town and you start thinking… hmmm… or he gets more active in his home community and starts missing nights on the computer with you to be doing things and then he starts being a bit secretive about what he’s doing because he’s not wanting you to know that his new partner at a community project is a single lady that has caught his eye and while he thinks he’s committed you, and you to him, both of you are starting to wonder and your eyes are starting to wander and think ‘ s/he won’t know and what they don’t know won’t hurt them’.
IT’s not that you don’t care about the other person or even love them, but they are 6,000 miles away and you have no chance of seeing them for 6 months… hugging a pillow is a lousy way to live…
The KEY issue is that the POINT of LDRS is to END them.
So have you two talked about which one of you gives up your life and moves half way around the world… to be so poor as not see your family for years…
And then you run the risk that one of you moves too quickly because you haven’t had the time to really get to know each other and see if your day to day life meshes… but you move in together because well it makes sense…. And then 6 weeks later you realize he leaves whiskers in the sink, and expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning… and while sex is great, he’s not found a job and he’s missing his mates… etc etc etc… and then 3 months in you realize… HEY I HAVE TO GET OUT.. but then what do you say to him… this man that moved half way around the world to be with you?
Please be realistic about the potential for long term success here. I’m not saying don’t be with him as best you can and enjoy your friendship but be realistic that it probably is not going to end with the two of you living happily ever after.
A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (11 July 2012):
Bondgirl hits the nail on the head perfectly. Be very cautious as to how you pursue this. You haven't met the person in real life. OK you ask the same sort of questions I did about 3 years ago so I'm going to share with you some things that my wife and I did to ease the pain of the distance. I hope my examples can help guide you.I met my wife when I was on tour. After spending a few days with her, I decided to try and develop our relationship online. I became fascinated by Chinese culture and wanted to develop my ties with the country knowing that they were going to become a very important asset into the 21st century.Long story short, I spent 8 agonising months deciding on how to get back to her. Every day we would chat online. We had our share of arguments and sorted out many things including what is right and not right between a couple. With the agreement on things, we actually created a plan that we could implement into a real life relationship.I would send her emails and chat every day. We shared meals and as much time as possible together. One night we sat in bed and I read a book while she watched a TV program. It was like being together as a couple!We shared a lot of things online. She bought a small cake and put a candle in it and sang happy birthday. We played music to each other. We shared intimate moments. We were both pretty brave.My circumstances were conducive to leaving my job and moving to her country because I wanted to live abroad and experience teaching English to help get rid of my shy personality (this certainly worked).But being a man made it easier and a bit safer I guess.My wife's friend has a Norweigan boyfriend and she is on a 1 month visa visiting him. So you might consider the hoiday option. This is a good way to meet him (provided you take all necessary precautions) in person and decide if you guys want to take things further. Both of you won't disrupt your jobs if you choose to visit each other.Once things are settled, then you can decide who will make the move.Sure, you should use caution but don't forget that many people meet and fall in love through long distance communications.The distance drove me crazy. Even now, when my wife goes back home for a couple of months (the longest we have been apart since we married), it is hard for me. I'm so used to having her here with me. In more than a year, we have been apart for just 1 night, so her two months away took a night or so to adjust.It helps to have an end plan in place too. Like a decision to move or to go and visit. Good luck with everything!If you want some more ideas check out the website called 'loving from a distance'...My grandfather made the decision to move from Portugual and left behind his wife and 5 kids for 2 years whilst he got setup out here. He was a brave, strong man and built a good life for his family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we're both trying to save up enough money. So we're doing our best on both ends. He wants to come see me first. and we fb, skype and do other webcam chats daily. He's very active in his community and he tries very hard to save up enough money to come see me. but seeing as how neither one of us are exactly raking in the dough it is going to be a matter of time. especially when a plane ticket is over 1400.00 us.... But it's something both of us are really excited about.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2012):
Both Bernard and Bond Girl make very valid points….
Not sure what else I can add…
You have talked to this “man” online for 6 months. LDRs are easy when it’s all just fun and games… but once you meet and know you click and want to be together there is not much that’s FUN…
LDRs are easy for folks who don’t really want a commitment and I think lots of folks play that online game… and look specifically for folks half a planet away because it’s SAFE!
Look to make it a REAL LDR you need several things:
1. You have to meet each other on a regular basis… how easy will that be half a planet away? I had an LDR for about a year… we were two hours away by car (we met IRL at a gaming convention) and saw each other every weekend until we moved in together… so if you have NOT met this man yet when do you plan to meet him?
I gotta tell you, if you have never met him, I know you are aching to be in his arms but I am afraid you may be disappointed. You may meet him and the chemistry is JUST NOT THERE…. You may not “fit” in his arms…. Sometimes no matter how much you want something, it’s not going to work for you… and in the case of an LDR where you have NEVER met face to face, I am very skeptical of it working out long term.
1. Communication is critical… not daily if you both don’t want that but whatever YOU TWO need to make it work. For us that meant daily wake up phone calls and daily bed time tuck in phone calls were the ONLY mandatory contact but we had many other instances of contact most days either email or phone calls… rarely texts or skype… but we have friends who are LDR (again they met IRL) and suffer 2 hours apart… they have 3 weekends a month together… Friday-Sunday night…. And are getting married in September… they skype from 9-11 every night.
IF you are half a world apart, when do you synch up the time to talk?
2. What are the plans to end the distance…either one of you or both of you have to move to be with the other…. Who’s making the move? When is the plan to move?
See you are jumping the gun….
First you have to meet him… when is that happening?
once you meet you have to set up regularly scheduled visits....
weekly is good but not an option so far apart and I'm sure monthly would be cost and time prohibitive but quarterly is at the bare minimum what I would accept as a viable option for an LDR... and then only for a year or two while schooling is completed.... with no concrete plan to end the distance it's nothing more than online friends.
I know i sound cold and harsh but I'm being realistic for you.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Have you met this man? Have you talked about plans for the future? It is very hard to develop an intimate relationship that is real if you have never met the man in person. You have not been with him in real life and so do not know what his behaviors are and what he is really like. I would be very cautious about saying you "love" someone who you have only talked with online for 6 months. I know you have feelings for him, but this is a relationship in virtual reality, not reality. Real life is hard enough trying to get to know someone's behaviors and habits, but you have not experienced any of this. I think Bernard has some good points here. Have you talked about actually meeting and developing the relationship, or is this just a very good online friendship that you are both using as a diversion in your life? Has he ever mentioned being committed to you? The problem with online relationships is that you have to take the other person's word on everything. They could be lying to you about everything. I'm not saying your guy is, but you need to be realistic about this. Let's say your guy wants you to move to his country. Are you willing to move to a foreign country to live with/marry a man you haven't even met? Whatever he says when you discuss this with him, please be very careful about this situation. You do not want to leave everything you have worked for here to take that big of a chance on someone you have not even met yet.
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