A
female
age
51-59,
*meralds70
writes:I am involved with a married man who claims he is leaving his wife. He has told other people this as well (friends, family). We spend a good bit of time together (3-4 nights a week) and talk on the phone a lot. This was only supposed to be about having a "boy toy" for me but I fell in love. He says he loves me too and does all kinds of things to show me. Is it possible that he really is going to leave her for me, or it is completely BS? And if it is, how do I let go when I love him so much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): an age old question with unfortunately an old answer!
you obvioussly have been so blinded by this man that you cant see what hes doing to you.hes having his cake and eating it.it so easy to tell you the things you want and need to hear.whats he told his wife about the nights he spends with you?does he switch off his mobile?maybe theyve got an open relationship?he WILL keep on treating you like this.you decided to go ahead with this relationship so now you have to bear the consequences thats what comes of not thinking ahead and acting on impulses.
A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (12 May 2007):
 i suggest you dont wait for an answer, leave him. married men tend to be trouble. if he didnt love his wife he would have, a. left her some time ago and b. not married her in the first place. i think you are getting yourself into a lot of trouble with this man and should get out sooner rather than later. think if you were the wife..and you found out he was leaving you for someone else. whats done is done now, but hes cheated on his wife, if you two got together properly whats stopping him cheating on you. leave him, thats my answer.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 May 2007):
 I agree that you should not be involved with this man. I disagree that you should make him choose though. I feel this way because you don't deserve him in the first place. If you're going to say anything to him, it should be...."We're through. I don't want to be with you anymore. We were both wrong and made bad CHOICES when we began this. We should be ashamed."
You see, when you begin something from a moral low point, I don't believe you have any rights or deserve consideration, despite what your feelings have become. You obviously felt no shame in looking for your "boy toy", who happened to be a married man. This was all about you, sex and other frivolous things you could have found anywhere. The route you chose was very harmful. This relationship was born out of lies and deceit and should never have even been allowed to grow in the first place. By telling him you won't see him until he's single, you're actually giving him ANOTHER opportunity to make poor choice. Actually it's an ultimatum.
In the end, your trying to justify why you should be able to keep the fruits of your crime. (and his) You robbed his wife, his kids and society in general. I don't care if it happens all the time either. Wrong is wrong and you should know better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): You love a married man. Why a married guy? Is it possible that he will leave his wife for you? Hard to say. But one thing is for sure..anyone who step out on their spouses are "liars"...big ones! . What on earth would make you think he is not lying to you? Any woman who gives her love openly and willingly and puts her life on hold.. for a married man needs a kick in the butt--and a good shot of reality. Dear, this guy isn't going anywhere. That is 'why' he’s still married and living with his wife. Try to understand....some people are not necessarily happy and content in their committed relationships. A lot of unethical people are always looking for thrills and orgasms on the side, but have no intention of leaving their marriages and families behind. You need to understand, in a marriage, the bond and connections run deeper than love, and for many people, that is more important. A wife to many men is a best friend, a mate for life. I have my doubts he will leaver her for you. It sounds like you and he are experiencing great sex and the romantic thrall of lust and infatuation. So...quit making this so damned easy for him. As the other Aunts suggested...you tell him to be a man and face the music-today!. Get on the phone and state, "I do not want to see you until you are an single, available man. I will no longer impose on another woman's turf. Call me when the divorce papers are signed." By doing this, you are telling him, if he wants you, he has to keep his promise. If you don't do this, then he will know he doesn't have to do much to keep you. Understand the risk..you may never hear from him again. And if you don't, then you will finally know the truth. And with the truth...you can heal, recover and move on. You have the emotional means to do this. Be strong and realize that one's happiness and self-esteem is centered in will to overcome circumstance, not to give into being overcome. Good luck and be brave..be strong.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 May 2007):
 Hi sweetness,
What I suggest you do is leave him and tell him that until he leaves his wife, it is over.. That puts the ball is his court and if he sincerely loves you like he says he does, and just needs a little bit of incentive, he'll go through with his divorce.
Treat this time with the beginning process of getting over him. Realize that you can be by yourself, you don't need to be with him or talk on the phone. You are available. If a few weeks goes by and he hasn't made any signs of divorcing, well... you're worth more than that. Be single and grasp you life. Maybe you could sign up for some classes at the community classes, something you've always wanted to try? Maybe an art class or pottery class or maybe yoga or pilates. Classes are a great way to meet men, even as adults. A lot of places offer classes exclusively for adults.
If you get out there and get involved, it's a great way to meet eligible, SINGLE men.
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, maryann61181 +, writes (12 May 2007):
 You made a mistake. You should never have gotten involved with a man who is in a relationship, let alone married. This is unethical and what makes you think that he wouldn't do this to you once he grows tired of you? I would not condone this type of behaviour. You are not only hurting yourself, but you are making things difficult for him to have to make a decision and you are disrepecting another woman. You need to step away from the situation. Once he is divorced, then pursue the relationship, but their relationship has not ended until that occurs. If he really loves you, he will go to you, but once again you should feel ashamed for interrupting a marriage.
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A
female
reader, susank +, writes (12 May 2007):
Unless he has showed you his new apartment key and any kind of seperation paper beleive it then. THe fact that he contacts you and sees you so much could mean he is serious. How long have you been seeing him? How long has he been married? Does he have any children? You need to give more detail for us to help.
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