A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend about 5 months now and over the last couple of weeks I have been staying at his while some major repairs are being done to my home. I noticed some 'odd' behaviours in my boyfriend (who is 39) right at the start when I first met him he would stand and walk just too close to me. I don't mean that he was trying to be loving or intimate but it was in a clumsy way, invading my space and almost bumping into me as we walked along (he wasn't drunk by the way!). I also noticed that he stares at people for too long and sometimes his facial expression whilst doing so is a bit strange. He can stare at women too and I have had to call him on ogling whilst we are out and I know that he has had an intense porn habit - masturbating several times a day to porn. He doesn't seem to have any close friends and does not socialise much - and has lived on his own now for about 10 years. He has only had one 'serious' relationship which lasted about 4 months. He works in a factory and previously worked behind a bar - and says he is not interested in a career which, ok, we are all different though we never seem to chat about anything deep. However, since living with him, albeit very temporary, I am quickly finding it increasingly difficult to overcome these behaviours and others I have discovered. He will take a shower before he goes to the gym, but not afterwards. He is absolutely regimented in preparing his food and scrapes every last drop out of every tin or pot. He eats very sloppily often with his mouth open and seems to have no concept of manners. Sometimes he will ask me if I want a piece of cake that he is eating and hand me a chunk of it which feels like something a little child would do. I think the worst aspect is the debt he has managed to get himself into and, whilst vacuuming, I have found a pile of bank statements under his bed still in envelopes so I know he is still avoiding it. I feel like I have had a snapshot of him and his life and want out of the relationship. However, I do think that his behaviour is more than a man having lived on his own for too long. If anyone can recognise this or think of a reason for it all I would be grateful as I need closure.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Your heart is in the right place OP, for fear of upsetting his upcoming 40th Birthday… Just take care not to give him false hope in the meantime…
There’d be nothing insensitive or cruel about saying what you need to say and then keep it as friends who can still come together and happily celebrate his Birthday. Later you fade out from the relationship where both of you move on, having made pleasant memories.
The alternative would be to endure masking the pain of knowing this it’s working out for you and giving him a right old present of reality thereafter his Birthday. Equally a thud to the ground; but better sooner than later.
CAA
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Mental health problems have a stigma attached. One doesn't normally introduce someone as being "Andy with Aspergers" or "Autistic Arthur". It something often kept very private or not mentioned. That doesn't help the situation in many ways but I can understand his families reluctance to formally acknowledge his problems.
My brother has mental health problems but my parents wont accept it. There is a stigma attached to it. My adult brother has Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, the maturity of a twelve year old, flares up over nothing, is probably bi-polar and is always attention seeking to the point of being ridiculous. Yet my parents make excuses. Its only natural.
One of the problems is that many of the symptoms of autism and aspergers only become apparent when the person is an adult. As a kid the behaviour is often interpreted as being a bit immature, or lacking confidence or being "a bit of a handful". Then throughout puberty and adolescence its sometimes hard to tell aspergers or other conditions from the normal problems of puberty.
As my brother became a young man we realised he wasn't growing out of his problems, and seemed to have even more issues and less ability to act normally. At first we put it down to him being late to mature, but by 25 we knew he wasn't right. Then you have the problem of trying to ask a adult male to go and get himself checked for a mental health issue. No way would any guy that age say "sure i'll pop down the doctors and get checked out". So that's another issue. Asking a young adult to go and be checked for Metal health problems is very difficult and their reaction to it is likely to be even worse.
In a lot of cases the families of the person just "accept" their ways and personality, bearing in mind they are emotionally attached. The fact one of his family asked you "How are you getting on with him?" is very telling, and acknowledgement that something is not right. Its the kind of question one asks of someone who has had a new puppy or something, if that makes sense.
I absolutely think you are doing the right thing.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 IF he is high functioning (and he sounds that way) he may never have been on the radar with anyone. People merely assume he is eccentric.
It's the same with certain types of OCD, it's not like people wear a sign. And MANY families "fear" the label "metal health problems". Not all mental heath problems are "problems" for the person with them and sometimes they aren't that obvious either.
Whether you should stay til after his 40's or not is up to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): Hi I am the OP and thank you to everyone who has so kindly taken the time to reply with their thoughts. I suspected he might have mental health issues but I cannot understand how nobody else (his family) have mentioned this to me - as I have met all of them once. I know its not something to bring up instantly but I feel like a bit of a fool if there really is something as serious as aspergers / autism going on. Only one person asked me "How are you getting on with him?" which I thought was a strange question and when I mentioned this to him he got quite annoyed at the question.... so perhaps he knows himself that something is up. The other awful dilemma I have is that he is going to be 40 in just over a months time and I feel like my news of finishing it is going to upset him just before that. I had my 30th birthday ruined by an ex so I am sensitive to how much this could impact. When I googled aspergers / autism there are some things that certainly ring true. I don't feel like it is my duty so raise my concerns about his mental health so will keep it simple and kind in finishing it - its just going to be about timing :( Thank you all once again.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (11 June 2014):
How fortunate to receive 2 snapshots in one; his life of odd bizarre behavioral habits and your own set of challenges if you were to stay with him…
I would not be too distort by calling it a day; 5 months is a World Guinness Record for him, he could actually be delighted someone stayed this long, 1 month longer than the last ‘serious’ relationship!?
I think you just have to keep it simple as you explain that this is not working out for you (from what you’ve seen) and thank him for allowing you to stay with him during those repairs. There’s no obligation other than being polite and straight forward. I would think he already knows he’s a required taste.
Take care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2014):
I don't really think you need a diagnosis of your BF to end it. He is JUST to odd for you. And you know what THAT is fine. Some people we mesh with instantaneously, others take time and then others we can't mesh with AT ALL. He sounds like he is in the 3rd pile.
Knowing WHY he is the way he is is NOT going to give you any kind of closure.
KNOWING that he isn't what you WANT, can be the beginning to "closure".
IT IS OK to decide someone isn't a good match. YOU don't OWE him a long explanation or a "diagnosis" of him to end it.
Just be honest, polite and short - tell him, after these 5 months with you I feel like we aren't as good of a match as I thought we would be, so I want to end it. I wish you well.
No need to tell him, I think there is SOMETHING wrong with you and thus I don't want you. That would be a tad cruel, like sending a "broken BF" off to The Island of misfit toys.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I don't have the technical / medical qualifications to assess , particularly from a distance , if this man is just somewhat of a weirdo, or has an " official " mental health problem ( even if this sounds quite possible ).
But, unless you were just asking out of curiosity , if I were you I'd keep it very simple : you say you want out, and with excellent reason. This guy sounds like an absolute nightmare to be with !, I share your doubts that you could be happy with him. Obviously if he is mentally disturbed it is not his fault, but neither it is yours - so you'd better just breaking things off without even one look back.
Of course true love, if it does not conquer all, conquers a lot of things , and there are women who have CHOSEN out of love to be beside even more difficult human cases than your bf. But, since this is a very recent relationship, at the let's get to know each other stage, and since you do not sound very much involved yet, perhaps the best for both parties is calling it quits asap.
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (11 June 2014):
It is possible to have a relationship with someone who has Aspergers or autism, but it takes a special kind of person. He can't help the way he is and it doesn't make him bad. However it can be a challenging thing to do so, up to you.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 June 2014):
Hello,
I am not trained in recognising behavioural problems and i'm no expert but it sounds to me like Aspergers and/or autism.
I worked in the Civil Service for many years (public sector) and they wanted to set the standard for employing staff with learning difficulties etc. I managed a team of twenty, of which five had either Autism or Aspergers and at work they were basically how you describe this guy.
In the nicest possible sense I would move on. He is not for you and clearly has issues. Regardless of whether this is suffering a condition or OCD or whatever, he is not someone you would be comfortable with in going forward.
Mark
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 June 2014):
 His Social Interactions scream Aspergers at me.
His regimented lifestyle may be how he learns to cope with things (ADHD folks appear OCD because we need to have things orderly or we forget parts) or he may have a touch of OCD.
I'm voting for a lovely alphabet soup of ADHD/Aspergers/OCD
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I'm no expert but I see things here I have seen before. Looks a bit like the autism spectrum but very high functioning. Also there may be some obsessive compulsive behavior there. In other words no you aren't crazy but he might be. I can't possibly make a diagnosis but everything you mention is something I have seen.
As far as advice, get more infomation before going further.
FA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 June 2014):
I think at 5 months, and you feeling this way now, you know he's not the one for you. I would probably say that his behavior largely speaking is because he;s been single for a long time. But there is no excuse for the debt, and I don't think it's wise to get involved with someone if they are in a bad way with their finances like he is.
I would let him go, and find someone who you are more suited to.
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