A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm married over 10 years now and love my wife very much. Lately, however, I have been feeling like I'm getting a bit old and wanting more sex to compensate. I fear having a dull, brother/sister type marriage. I'm extremely sexual and could have sex with my wonderful wife 3 times a day, really! But, I have noticed after all these years (guess I'm sensitive to it at this point in my life) that she does not seek sex nearly as often as me. She is also not as affectionate. She has a long list of other things concerning her and... our sex life seems to be at the bottom of her list of chores.We have talked about it many times now and when she feels sorry for me she pours it on for a few days and then it's right back to the same-old-same-old.It's difficult for me to understand why she feels pressured into having sex with me instead of getting aroused by my advances. If I refused to give her a kiss as I was leaving for work, could I just say, "Not right now, I'm not in the mood to kiss you." That's how I feel every time she doesn't want sex.This seems to carry over into the bedroom when we do have sex, because it seems like when I tell her what excites me, she is less inclined to want to do it. She doesn't like when I tell her what I prefer because she doesn't want me to tell her what to do. It seems to be a control issue.I have tried leaving her alone but I can't do that for long, she just lets us settle into having sex twice a week, it's not even an issue for her! I am seriously starting to get depressed and we are fighting about it occasionally, and talking about it is getting boring because nothing ever changes. The only thing that makes me feel better is when I am angry. To avoid feeling rejected I can turn myself off. I try to pretend I'm not mad but inside I am seething. This keeps me from feeling sexually frustrated and rejected but it's replaced by resentment and I'm pretty sure it can't be healthy.When we have sex it's great, honestly, but I'm tired of always feeling rejected when we don't. It's an insult to me that she would trivialize our love and (in her mind) accuse me of wanting too much sex, as if that were a bad thing!I know this sounds crazy after all I just wrote but I feel that we are very happily married and don't know how to balance out our needs. I can't imagine not wanting sex so I would imagine if I could just get her to want it more, we could both be happier! A birth control pill with horny side-effects for her would do nicely! OK, I know this has been just one sided, I'm not Dr. Phil, I'm looking for some sympathy and advice, so go easy on me with the whole "give your wife a break" thing. I honestly tried that already, it helped her but not me.I honestly don't know what to do... please help with advice.
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female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Hello. I am in an identical situation except I am a female. Maybe we are scaring our spouses away by doing all the things we've done to persuade/ intimidate/ reason/ scare/ seduce into making love to us?! Maybe we should stop swimming up stream? I am in the same boat with you. I wish I knew how to paddle out of this situation. But I know one thing for sure, all that I've tried did not work.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): totaly understand where your coming from,i am 42 and my partner 33 after divorse we met it was like being born again.
I told her did not want any children as i have 3 but grown up.
Relationship was great she was like a glue stick,stuck to me all the time and i mean clinging to my every move.
Any way the sex was FANTASTIC then she became pregnant,this may sound nasty but i was gutted took me a while to accept i but would not be without him now.
Then the problems started,i understand my child comes first at all times but we need time for us.
My partner understood this, now 5 years down the line we argue like mad about sex and the lack of it.
I love this woman to death but she wont do anything to change it,i am the one chasing her but feel rejected all the time.
I suppose i am selfish but i have a high sex drive,but we are starting to work at it, but i feel things will never change.
So in a way i can understand your problem,maybe its awoman thing.
It must be because when another woman looks at me FIREWORKS spring to mind so i dont know i am lost.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (4 July 2007):
 Hey There,
"One of the biggest factors that wives get turned OFF by their husbands is that she feels more like your mother, than your lover." This is a valid point. I'm just thinking as I read this that it's funny how men never complain about having to play the father figure, then I realized in the above paragraph I was doing just that, complaining about how I play the leader role more then she does... So we are playing Mom and Pop to each other, how would you suggest we alter that pattern? Gawd, Freud would have a field day with me...
In answer to this, my philosophy is quite controversal. I think that men must accept the role of the father figure as it address a woman's emotional needs, yet I suppose the double standard that she should NOT be acting like a mother to you, becuase dispite the best of intentions, it will kill her attraction for you. This is a double standard as women are still turned on by the father figure role. I don't argue with this beleif, I just follow it, and it helps.
As for your follow up, I agree that sex is more important than most people care to acknowledge. In my own philosphy, sex IS a full emotional need of men, whereas sex is a method of addressing all the emotional needs of women.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, estrella +, writes (28 June 2007):
i understand what u feel, your self need more and more, and some times it isn't about sex only, but about self confidence. the thing is that some times we seek to full up our belly with the same stuff and never be satisfaced.
u may need to draw close to God and take from him the water that will satisface u.
your wife may need get back to her first love with u.
don't push her, but u will have what u need if u ask.
Ask God to help u out and try to make your wife feel like a woman no like a sex dull. she may need to remember that.
some times sex can be worring, when it is too much, but it is more interesting when we play and involve our feelings on it. it is on our mind, and sometimes think too much about it can be harmfull for us, because we feel like we need it realy bad. Just don't be too anexius. Be creative. make your wife feel like a real babe. some times we just want to feel desireble no just like objects.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): UPDATE: I thought it might be important to come back to the site and update this question with the latest...
So I fought with Her and talked to Her and she apologised to me and gave me some of the best sex of our lives and if she doesn't flip right back again, life will be good.
I guess the answer to this one was, even though we've talked about it many times, sometimes you can't lose patience you have to talk about it again. The sex wasn't really the issue anyway it's the feeling of attraction and rejection, etc.
And also it goes both ways, I had to reassure her and really explore why she feels controled and assure her that I don't mean to pressure her, etc, etc. because I don't it's all about me being head-over-heals totally in passionate love with her and no-one else!
I really wish I wasn't so dependant on her for sex so much... weird though it just happens sometimes. When she has great, passionate sex with me I can tell she's enjoying it and even though I wake up horny again the next day, it puts me in a great mood and I don't feel like she's blowing me off, I don't mind even if we can't have sex.
The moral of the story is that sex is important, and even more important is the affection and feelings and dependence we have on our mates. You may pretend your not dependant if you are a man or you might pretend your man is not dependant, but these sorts of issues will rear their ugly head in any relationship if both people are not attentive, I'm convinced.
Something else happened too in the bedroom (having little to do with sex) and I can't get into it too much but it was a great ego boost and I really feel like she accepts me and loves me.
So anyway, I wanted to let anyone else reading know that there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel. I considered suicide and divorce all in one day when this was really bothering me, I'm that unstable, I guess, and neither emotion lasted more then a few moments but the point is this can be a serious issue with lots of feelings flying around when people don't get the affection they need.
Thanks again to anyone who answered, and I'm still willing to talk if anyone wants to continue this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): In a way you sound a bit selfish. What about her? Women hate to feel pressured and you're mad because you are not getting any action. Is she tired? Could you help her out by cooking the odd meal etc? Women respond more to tenderness and kindness...try it you may get what you want without the hassle.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): Hi, this was my question... thanks to everyone who answered!
I'll address a few points below, some of them are very interesting!
"does [she] have an orgasm?",
Yes, frequently. Every time we have sex, unless it's a quickie. I don't like quickies much so...
"he wanted it to be some kind flowery, romantic, utterly quiet, gaze-into-my-eyes, and that just bored me to death"
I learned a couple of years into our courtship that my sweet little darling girl is actually a little slut (I mean that affectionately) in bed and loves to hear dirty talk and get banged hard and sometimes fast. My illusions of puritan lovemaking were shattered, thank God (no pun intended).
We have explored lots of sexual fantasies. When she was pregnant her hormones went wild and we talked in detail about my lesbian fantasies, etc. That was fun but I still feel a little guilty about it, I think those kinds of things should remain fantasy. We're both pretty jealous (I think that's normal) and I'm not sure if our relationship could handle the stress of having another person in our bed. Not worth it IMO, though if I knew it would never hurt her I would cum in my pants if she even hinted seriously at bringing some hot girl home to have sex with her and/or me.
I have asked her many times about her fantasies but she has only a few that she divulges and they are always vague. I think she is honestly lacking in creativity. Not just in the bedroom, I mean she's just not a very creative person. Examples would be; children’s projects, cooking, fantasizes, love-notes, etc. We are opposites in this respect. She's passionate and smart and I love her, but in this area she's lacking. Trying to encourage her to be more creative is likely to be as successful as trying to encourage someone to be more intelligent.
"Just try to keep it interesting, use toys, ice, whipped cream and don't be afraid to make noise"
Yep, that's all a normal part of our sex life, when we are having sex. It's not all toys and whipped cream all the time, she gets bored with my fascination for all things sexual. Toys are fine once in a while, but not all the time. Again, I feel this might be part of her need to control me, since I love the toys and porn and anal so much, she gets a bit turned off sometimes, but only sometimes.
"print out your post and show it to your wife. your feelings are valid, and she needs to know them"
She already knows how I feel. We've discussed both of our feelings about it in detail. Probably too much detail! I'm really trying to talk to her less about it now, not more, because I don't want to keep pressuring her...
"Does she work outside of the home? Are there other areas where she feels a lack of control so she exerts it in the bedroom? I'm just postulating here."
I'm sort-of a control freak, so I'm sure that's possibly part of the problem. No, she doesn't work outside the home. Control issues I have probably placed on us include trying to influence her to stop smoking, trying to help her cook better meals for our family, trying to help encourage her to lose weight. She does respond to my suggestions when I'm not being a jerk about it, but not usually for long. The smoking and cooking issues have been a point of major contention but to the extent that she tries to better herself I back off. I know this makes me sound very controlling but... I'm guilty as charged, I guess. I feel it's my responsibility to ensure my family is healthy. If she continued to smoke and get fat and feed us hamburger helper as we grow old I would slip a disk or something and we would definitely end up in relationship Armageddon.
It's important for me to feel that I am bettering myself in some ways and going a different direction from my family would not be very healthy. We all have different levels of tolerance but to use an extreme example, if my wife was a heroin addict, no one would fault me for fighting with her about it. Obviously there has to be a balance of how these sort of issues are communicated but it's hard to be "nice" about something that you have talked about ad-nauseam already. Sometimes anger and control issues arise out of necessity, no? For example if I was out bar-hopping all the time I would expect my wife to fight with me about it.
To this extent I am the more aggressive person in our relationship. She seldom attempts to pressure me to change because she doesn't often attempt to change herself. This is frustrating for both of us but I don't want to over-state it, I don't crack a whip when I walk in the house, I'm covering years worth of ground here...
"This is going to sound ridiculous, but talk to her and ask her how she would feel if you took on another lover"
You're right, that did sound ridiculous. I'd ask Ginnifer Goodwin to be my second wife but she's got an active career and all that... anyway I don't want another woman, as exciting as that might sound to most people, it's shallow IMO and wouldn't make things better. Marriage is for life, and for two people, no more, I think and... that's all I have to say about that! If she wanted to bring another guy into our bed and screw him I would be very, very insulted. It would not bother me to know she fantasized about it, as long as it was just fantasy but those things belong in porn films and not in my bed, thanks. I could handle that she fantasizes about someone with a bigger dick than me or someone darker, taller, more handsome (I’ve got plenty of insecurities to choose from), or getting gang-banged or lesbo sex or whatever but if I knew she had one of my friends in mind, forget it, I'd go ballistic inside and probably outside as well.
"Is she having an affair?"
Nope. And my image of her would be forever ruined if she did. We're both a bit too conservative for the whole "forgiveness" thing. I could forgive her if she told me she was tempted to, but if she did it we would divorce. I'm 99% sure the feeling is mutual. We are monogamous and happy that way.
"One of the biggest factors that wives get turned OFF by their husbands is that she feels more like your mother, than your lover."
This is a valid point. I'm just thinking as I read this that it's funny how men never complain about having to play the father figure, then I realized in the above paragraph I was doing just that, complaining about how I play the leader role more then she does... So we are playing Mom and Pop to each other, how would you suggest we alter that pattern? Gawd, Freud would have a field day with me...
"Have you tried being more romantic with her? Helping out around the house? Flowers, compliments, some mood music, a warm bath, etc."
Allow me to sound selfish for one moment please... why do I need to jump through hoops to get affection from her? Do I need to order flowers and send a special invitation wrapped in ribbons to get a kiss as I leave for work? No. So why all the preparation just for sex? I would think this might have the opposite of the desired effect. In other words, number one, she's not stupid. If I send her flowers and buy her lingerie and pour on the special sauce all day, she's going to know I am thinking about sex, and then she'll feel pressured. If she does not respond to my romantic gestures, doing the dishes, extra compliments, etc, then I'm still lying in bed with her with a hard-on as she falls asleep beside me. Romantic as hell for her, but physically, there is a pressure that builds up inside and it results in an emotional pressure as well. I'd just masturbate right next to her but honestly it's a bit humiliating to jerk off while she's trying to fall asleep, 4 days out of the week. Yes we masturbate for each other as part of foreplay but this would not be the same thing in my mind.
"I admire a man that has been married for 10 years and still wants sex from his wife 3 times a day. So she's really, really lucky from that point of view."
I'm sure she feels that way too (lucky) but it doesn't make her horny more often. And she doesn't feel lucky when we fight about it.
"She's probably suffering from exhaustion, and it sounds like she's also feeling guilty about not attending to you."
Yea, yea, I get exhausted to and I'll still be willing to lick her up and down day and night whenever she's hot. It's very common for either of us to concentrate entirely on pleasing the other. We both enjoy giving and receiving oral sex very much. But she doesn't like to make me cum orally very often if she wants sex (before penetration), even though it helps me to keep from ejaculating too quickly when we make love. Premature ejaculation isn't a huge issue for us, but it's just an example of something I've asked her to do for both our benefit, that she ignores. Oh, and it is an issue sometimes, because if we are both super-excited and I do slow down to prevent myself from ending the party too early for her, she sometimes gets noticeably impatient. This makes me pretty angry because it's all about her and she is so stubborn sometimes. Hello, we talked about this a million times, remember?
Well, I've covered most of the comments I read and this is turning into a book. I hope I have revealed myself enough for someone to help give me insight into my own problems without sounding like a complete nut-case! We're a pretty average couple I think. My life isn't falling apart I just don't want to keep going through these cycles of sexual frustration and the tension it brings us. It helps very much to talk about it and I appreciate all the responses!!!
Thanks again, I'll check back later if anyone is interested in continuing this conversation.
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A
female
reader, Dr. Surgel  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 OK - I think you do have to give your wife a break here, but please read on . . .I admire a man that has been married for 10 years and still wants sex from his wife 3 times a day. So she's really, really lucky from that point of view.The problem is though is that it has become a chore for her. You said so yourself.There are lots of definite ways you can fix this, though.She's probably suffering from exhaustion, and it sounds like she's also feeling guilty about not attending to you.If she's working and looking after the house and the kids and your clothes, and the dinner, etc, etc, etc., then get someone in to do the cleaning and washing daily or weekly, and meals occasionally, get the kids to do work around the house daily, get your own stuff down to the drycleaners to be cleaned and pressed, take her out for a dinner/movie date once a week (no kids), cook the family meal yourself twice a week. Sexually, do you look after her? Try to glean what fantasies she might have that would get her really aroused (just having the dishes done with out having to ask can sometimes be a big turn on!).Do you know how to make her orgasm? Unfortunalely for most women, it seems that their men think that performing a cursory 3 second lick around that general vicinity constitutes oral sex, which is then expected to be reciprocated by a push on the back of the head for a good 20 minutes hard work on the penis. I'm not accusing you of this, but any men out there reading this, take heed: this will only make the woman in your life resentful and angry and will definitely make her withdraw.You have to know where the clitoris is: there are diagrams in books and on the internet. Its a little pea-sized hooded organ which requires gentle, consistant and not too direct stimulation, often digitally works better than the tongue, although the tongue is a great way to start as it feels naughtier.I wouldn't necessarily advocate bringing other people into the bedroom, but it can be arousing to talk dirty about. Just don't talk about her attractive friends or her little sister. Most women have lesbian fantasies, so that can be fun for both of you. If you do both decide to bring another woman into the bedroom, don't pay the other woman too much attention at all - let the other woman pay your wife all the attention. The safest way to actually do this is to hire an attractive but not too young prostitute.If you think you both want another man in the bedroom, then you probably have lots of friends who you could trust to have sex with your wife just once, and only when you are there!Regarding her responsibilities towards you, you should let her know that you do actually feel hurt and rejected when she refuses you. Perhaps ask her to let you know when you can have sex, if she is not feeling up to it right away. By giving her back a bit more power, she might feel inclined to be generous with it.I'd love to hear that this situation starts getting alot better for both of you,best of luck,Dr. Surgel
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Twice a week sounds pretty decent to me! That seems like a healthy number.
Can I ask you a few questions? I'm wondering if you're setting up the romantic "mood" for her. (Most) women can't just get right into it like so many men can. Like a car, men can go 0-60 in thirty seconds... women need some time to warm up. Have you tried being more romantic with her? Helping out around the house? Flowers, compliments, some mood music, a warm bath, etc.
Some women slow down when they get older. And, as Sweet-Thing mentioned, sometime they can get a little bored with their sex life.
You say that you like to tell her what you like in the bedroom... well, maybe one of these nights you should devote yourself to HER pleasure. Ask her what SHE likes. Don't have sex for you to get off, have sex for her and only her. Let her boss you around a little bit - or, if she's not the bossy type, just lavish her with the physical attention. Kiss her all over... take things slow... caress and love.
At your point in your marriage, it's pretty normal for things to slow down. Now it takes some effort on your part and on hers. I think two times a week sounds pretty satisfying, but try some of our suggestions the next time you're in the mood.
Good luck!
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): I have a friend who was having a problem like yours. He found a therapist on the net and never had to give his real name or information.
He was heading for a divorce, she helped his marriage and changed his life.
Her name is Lilwings03, I don't remember the web site but I am sure you could google it.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 June 2007):
This is going to sound ridiculous, but talk to her and ask her how she would feel if you took on another lover. I am serious. Maybe she would be up for you to have your sex elsewhere (visit a swingers club), or such, so taht she does not have to.
Other things to consider is if she maybe just needs a holiday vacation from her other concerns...also do you do fun things together like visit a sex shop together and see how that changes her mood? Are there things you used to pay attention to that turned her on, that you do not do anymore? Are you sure she has experienced an orgasm, and that you know how to make her do that? Is she having an affair?
One of the biggest factors that wives get turnned OFF by their husbands is that she feels more like your mother, than your lover. Have you been getting her to feel like a mother, instead of a lover? If so, your marriage is in trouble, and the lack of sex is the sign.
Start with the conversation, and see where it takes you.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Kaida +, writes (27 June 2007):
 I don't know that I can give any advice but I can sympathise, if that helps. Although I'd be thrilled with sex twice a week, personally. I think maybe i've had sex twice in one week less than half a dozen times in my married life (married to the same man for 19 years now). Why is that we seem to match up unequally?
I'm sorry your wife feels that way. It does sound like a control issue. Does she work outside of the home? Are there other areas where she feels a lack of control so she exerts it in the bedroom? I'm just postulating here.
I understand that sense of rejection. I've been dealing with it for years, too and I think I'm at the end of that rope. Good luck; I hope you find a solution.
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A
female
reader, humble +, writes (27 June 2007):
print out your post and show it to your wife. your feelings are valid, and she needs to know them. ...all of them, just like you typed them here. it'd help her to become more sensitive towards the issue.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Okay, I'm assuming that when she does give in, she has a good time; meaning she does have an orgasm? When I was married, I swear my husband didn't have a clue about how to rock my world in the bedroom. His idea of great sex was "making love" which was too tame for me. I wanted it to be wild and raunchy and he wanted it to be some kind flowery, romantic, utterly quiet, gaze-into-my-eyes, and that just bored me to death. And I tried to guide him, give him hints, move myself into different positions but he'd get so excited the whole thing would be over with before I even got warmed up. Needless to say, I got bored with our sex life and lost interest early on, though we continued to have good companionship in every other area. It's also common for couples to have different sex drives and women typically don't want it as often as men (unless she's pushing 40, then she'll knock your socks off). Just try to keep it interesting, use toys, ice, whipped cream and don't be afraid to make noise. Also, it could be possible that she's just going through a dry spell due to her own aging process and slight depression too, child-rearing, career challenges or a hormonal shift in her desire for sex. I hope this helps you out.
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