A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I don't have a problem, but I have a friend who is having some serious thoughts about his fiancee. I intend on getting as much advice from this site as I can, then either print out the answers, or log on (not at work) and have him read all your advice.He is engaged and getting married this summer. He is having a lot of insecurity and jealous feelings because his girlfriend has been with a lot of guys. (He won't say the exact amount, but I'm assuming more than 20 from what he hints at). He is very upset and unsure if he should marry a 'loose woman' (his words). I don't think she's done anything since meeting him, and even though that is a lot of past to get over, I think he can as long as she isn't flirty or anything with other guys. I know he was real upset she went to a Christmas party for work and it was only for employees and a mixed crowd, men and women. But he said she didn't stay late, and when he picked her up from the party she wasn't drunk or anything. I told him see, she just wants to be with you, try and forget about her past. Don't ever talk about it, and don't let her talk about it now that you two are engaged.Another friend of mine has tried to help also, but his situation is different. His wife was only with 1 other guy before him and lived with that guy for 4 years and was completely intimate, not just a bunch of one night stands. He has told friend#1 that it was hard to get over, but he and his wife agreed never to talk about it, and she would never have contact with her ex, not even if she saw him in a store. And they're now married for 3 years and everything is fine. My situation is my wife wasn's a complete innocent, but she never had a long term relationship either, so I didn't have any trouble getting over her past.Can anyone out there give him advice on how to deal with her past and just focus on what they are going to make as their future? I've told him I think the one long term relationship is a lot harder to get over than a bunch of stupid little sex activities. If friend#2 and his wife did it, I think he can do it also.Thanks for any advice.
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at work, christmas, drunk, engaged, fiance, flirt, her ex, her past, jealous, one night stand Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): We all have a past...and as Gina said, Why Now??? Shouldn't he have thought about it long before he started making marriage plans?
As you age, you will realize that the past is irrelevent! When you find "the one" that all changes. As long as she was "single" and not cheating on anyone, it doesn't make her a bad person. Have you ever heard the expression, "looking for love in all the wrong places?" She was probably trying to find true love, but wasn't looking in the right places. Sometimes we want love so bad, we try to hard! She was young and made some mistakes. That does not make her "bad" or mean she is not marriage material!
Let your friend read all these replies...especially the ones from men. Maybe it will help!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 To the comment below this: "loose" isn't meant literally. A "loose" woman is just a way to say a "promiscuous" woman.
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male
reader, scifi_aaron  +, writes (20 February 2009):
My fiancée is 19, she has been with over 30 guys, but it's in the past, she used to be like that, sexually hyper and go for one night stands until she realised it didn't make her happy, about the 'loose' part, I'm not sure what to say really, some people have sex a lot and they do get stretched, some people have tight vaginal muscles and the more they have sex the more it stretches, and stretches back so it gets tighter and tighter, luckily in the case of my fiancée. With some people in my past I found it hard to get over the past, how could they give something so important away so easily, but it's in the past, as long as they aren't like that now, as long as they show you that you are more important than all those people in the past, then you should feel fine, don't let the past throw everything away. She's all your's now.. and this is obviously speaking directly to him..
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male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (20 February 2009):
 I agree with Yo's. I think a majority of men would find it a lot easier to accept someone who had one or two long term committed relationships rather than a string of flings or one night stands. There is a feeling of cheapness that tarnishes sex when you find out your partner basically gave themselves to pretty much anyone and everyone.
Considering what your friend is going through, I highly doubt the "Its just a bunch of stupid sex activities" angle is going help him much at all.
I've been going through this for a year now, and let me tell you, I could care less about her old boyfriends, its the promiscuous flings that tear me apart inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Tbh we've all got a past.....your mate should get over himself.....by the sounds of it she only has eyes for him!
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 February 2009):
I've experienced this first-hand and spent a lot of time talking to other men who have. It can be VERY difficult to deal with. Some advice:
- He shouldn't marry her until he's sure he wants to. At least until he's sure he wants to get over this problem. Right now he probably feels a bit trapped by this, once he's married that's going to get much worse.
- For most (who experience this) a bunch of one night stands is much harder to cope with than a long term relationship. So your opinion is in the minority, at least from my experience.
- This can become an obsession, and really destroy people. If you see your friend getting out of his depth, I suggest recommending a (male) therapist.
For more specific advice, i suggest you check my post history. I've given advice on this topic many times here.
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reader, gumbbo +, writes (20 February 2009):
Yeah it's hard to think that the woman you love could have loved someone before they met you and had a sex life, i know that seems weird to say in the 21st century but i don't think i'm the first man to like to believe that my exgirlfriend (when i was with her) was innocent till she met me. Although i knew she'd been with other men, i assured my self i was the best (ego thing) and we did have a brilliant sex life. And when i think about it, i'm sure her boyfriend now probably wonders about us and has assured himself he was better than me.
Fact is it is the 21st century, she is marrying him which means that of all the men she's been with she has chosen to commit herself to him (your friend). She knows what else is out there and knows what she's NOT missing out on. So at least he can be assured that she will have little reason to cheat, and that he must be quite a guy to be able to tame her! I don't think he should hold it against her, if he thinks she is loose, believe me, that is only because she has been honest with him, think how many women sleep around for years then meet a guy and play all innocent, but they are just taking a more, not deceptive route, but they haven't been honest. If she is honest about her past this shows she is not bad, maybe done things she isn't proud of, but she is not a lier - that's a big thing! Trust and honesty are key!
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reader, PeterPan +, writes (20 February 2009):
 I'm going to try a few different angles here (hoping that you really do share this with your friend)...
First, I agree with everything said so far: the past is the past... period! done! Until that time-machine is released for public use, there's no un-doing things from our past... and I really think that would be bad anyway. Your past experiences are a critical makeup of the person (and personality) you are now. For instance, has he thought of the positive swing on this: having had so many previous relationships gave her the ability to understand what personality-type she would like to have in a committed relationship? Or, how about the prospect that from the field of men proceeding him, he is the one she wants, not them and it took a lifetime of searching to discover and find that man -- him!
Last point... and this is something I personally believe is a stigma that women are unfortunately saddled with and must carry... if the roles were reversed here... he was the one with the many previous partners and she was the one with less experience, what would be his opinion then? Would it be acceptable because he's the man and men are expected to have many previous conquests before settling down? Would his fiancee be having those second thoughts right now instead? Would the love they share be any different between the two of them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Hello.Your friends lady has had a lot of partners,but that should not be considered if she has now found her man.In fairy land sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.She made have had a reason to be like that.What was her life like whilst growing up, until she met your friend she may have felt unloved and thought that intimacy ment love,it doesnt alway's.I would like you and your friends and partners to give this girl a chance.Then the rules of engagement change.You all support your friend and his partner help then along the way ,welcome her into the fold.Then if she messes around she deserves all comments and name calling doesn't she?Before you label her give her a chance.If it works out your friend will be so grateful,if it doesn't the blame cannot be blamed at his friends for making her life a misery,and guess what? you will be there for him. Hope this helps you? Angela UK
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2009):
 What is he marrying ? the woman or her past?
Yes our past shapes us, but we ourselves can choose to let past experinces mold us or not. She is NOT JUST the sum of her past. She is who she is partly because of her past.
She had obviously been honest about her past. Which is a good thing.
I have a very good friend who is a great women, awesome wife, amazing friend and wonderful mother, but her past.. whooah. VERY different from mine. She was utterly promiscuis from an early age and I'm sure she has more ex boyfriends and one night stands, then there are states in the US. However, When she because pregnant with her first child, she grew up.She divored her first husband( due to his violence). Her now husband knew (well he was a wild one in his youth too) and he let it go cause what he got is a women with a waste knowledge of what NOT to do and what to do. Her past is her past. What he;s got is ONE GOOD woman. They look to the future, not back. Maybe that is why they are some of the happiest people I know.
The morale of that story? Don't judge a book by it's cover.
If your friend can not look past her "baggage" it truly is his loss. Maybe she should have thought about that before getting involved with her?
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reader, Annieapple +, writes (20 February 2009):
I think your friend needs to grow up to be honest. What she did or didn’t do before she met him is none of his business. He needs to get some more respect for her – I’d be so angry if any partner of mine referred to me as a loose woman to his friends and he really shouldn’t be discussing her sexual history with you or anyone else. I’d be more concerned about whether or not she know she is marrying a man with so little respect for her and her privacy!
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