A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has a binge drinking problem. When we are on a night out, its as if he just can't get enough and he doesn't know when to stop. He blows all our money on it too! And he gets violent.Last night, he was invited with me to a function and I was so looking forward to him meeting my friends boyfriend as I wanted them to be friends, but because of fiances agression when drunk, he ended up in a fight with him and getting throttled. I am sick to death of it to be honest, and when he drinks, he becomes violent. He punched me on the nose and smashed a cup over my head when we got home. I can't tell anyone I know this because if I do, theyl just want me to leave him. But the fact is, I KNOW he would never do anything like that sober. I really truly believe that if hed just stop drinking, hed be perfect, and he IS when he's not drunk. I have tried giving him an ultimatum of "its me or alcohol," but he just turned it round on me to make it seem like I was dictating and being controlling, for example, when anyone asked why he wasn't drinking hed look at me and say "she doesn't allow me" infront of everyone. I love him, but as I was cleaning up the mess in our house from last night, I can't help but wonder, if I'd be happier without him. I love him and don't want to leave, but how can I make him see what a monster he is when he's drunk?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Dear OP,
I live and love with an active alcoholic. I am married to him. It sucks when he is drunk which last week was THREE TIMES. There is NOT a day that goes by that he does not have some alcohol. I tell you this because if you won’t listen to the wise Aunts and uncles that have told you to leave because they have not BTDT, perhaps my words will sink in.
My husband would never hurt me when sober. BFD. He hurts me when he’s drunk. Yes I should have never married him. And yes I should leave him. I fully expect him to kill me one day in a drunken rage. When he is drunk, he has no control. He has no conscience. He has no guilt. He has no common sense. No person when drunk does.
If you told him “me or alcohol” and then he drank and yo9u did not leave, he knows he owns your tush and nothing you say needs to be believed.
He is not owning his issues. “she doesn’t allow me” is blaming YOU. My husband when we met did not think he had a problem. I hold him accountable for his behavior and I don’t hide it from anyone. He has his demons. They are active. NOW (FOUR YEARS into the relationship and 12 years married) he still is an alcoholic but now instead of denying it or pretending it’s not a problem he owns it “I have a problem. I know I am wrong. I am open to suggestions” We have tried my policing his consumption (does not work). He has tried on his own to stick to just beer (does not work).
What works… is I now LEAVE when he drinks scotch. AND I make him well aware of it. AND I am not beyond calling the police if he comes after me.
You will in the long run be happier without an alcoholic abuser.
I record my husband on my phone and play it for him when he’s sober. It’s painful for him and most of the time he does not want to hear it.
My husband knows he is an alcoholic. He’s half way through the ‘getting sober” battle. Sadly it’s the easy part. Now for him is the hard part.. getting and staying sober. NOT happening. So I live in fear.
Would you want to subject children to your BF when drunk? I would never allow my husband around children.
Find yourself an al-anon group. STOP cleaning up after him. STOP ENABLING him. STOP making excuses for him. IF YOU stay with him, do not have children with him ever. IF you stay with him, put your affairs in order. Write a will. Let your family know if you are DNR so that when he renders you brain dead they can pull the plug.
List all the things you love about him.
Next to them (two columns) list all the things wrong with him.
Then figure out if the pros outweigh the cons.
WHY do you think you can save him when he does not want to save himself?
Drunks do not get better till they are at rock bottom. EWO is right... he won't hit rock bottom till he kills you... then he will see what a monster he is.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2014):
 You don't get it, do you?? If you believed that he'd be a different person if he got sober, then his punching you when drunk would have horrified him to the point of never touching a drink again. Hurting the woman he loves would make every drink in his mouth revolting. If he couldn't stop on his own, he'd check himself into rehab...in chains...if it meant protecting you.
The fact that it doesn't, and that he can still turn it on you AFTER punching and breaking things onto you, means that VIOLENT is what he is.
He's not a good person except when he's drunk. He's a horrible person that's only magnified when he's drunk. If you don't leave him now, you'll leave him when you are dead. You are enabling him by not pressing charges, by cleaning up his messes, and by staying with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I have to say, he might be violent while drunk, but you are NUTS and ENABLING him by staying. When you STAY with a guy who think it's OK to punch you in the nose and break a cup (WTF?!) over your head, HE is going to start thinking that HIS actions are OK. They can't be that bad, because YOU are still there... that is until the day he hits you the wrong way and maim or kill you....
Normally I think blaming the victim is wrong, but YOU AS the victim have the choice to WALK AWAY. NO one would blame you for walking now, people WILL blame you for staying after ALL that has happened.
LOVE is NOT a magical cure for abuse. Drunk or not, he is ABUSIVE and SICK in the head.
He will not stop drinking ERGO he will NOT stop the violence. Even if he DID stop drinking doesn't mean he will be "perfect". Down the line he will RESENT you for "making" him stop drinking and then he will HIT you sober.
HONEY, WAKE the F up and take those rose tinted glasses up. Your BF is an abusive bastard and you NEED to get out while you can still WALK on your own and BREATHE on your own.
Have you considered WHY people around you would tell you to leave? BECAUSE they CARE about you. They want YOU safe.
Don't be a statistic.. or worse, don't get hurt because you think you can "fix" this guy. YOU can't.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2014):
I'm sorry, but there is something wrong with him... It's one thing to be violent when drunk. But if you told him that he assaulted you twice when he was drunk and that wasn't enough to make him stop drinking, then run for your life!
Yes, it's hard. I know you just want him to change, but I don't think that's an option. The longer you wait, the worse things will get.
If you aren't quite ready to leave yet, then tell him that you will not be with someone who hurts you when they're drunk. And since he can't control himself AT ALL when he's drunk, you need him to stop drinking. Tell him you're not trying to force him to do anything, but you've made up your mind and will no longer be putting yourself in danger.
He can stop or not, it's up to him. But if he doesn't, you HAVE TO leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): I was young, like you, when I met my binge drinking boyfriend. I was exactly the same, wishing that he would just stop because he was perfect when not drunk.Twenty years later, I can see so very clearly that I became addicted to him because I'd had a very rocky childhood, including involving my father going into hospital for a long time when I was 14 (I adored him) and coming out unrecognisable and with a total personality change - he was vile to me and I was somehow always waiting and hoping and trying to 'earn back' the love that my Dad had given me before he went away.When binge drinkers change like this, they trigger something inside you that makes you addicted to them and their 'good side'. They have addictive personalities themselves - they're not stable like other people and this means that the 'good side' is like a high both for them and for you - you start to believe that this is real love but in fact it's a high, a hit and soon you can't do without it. At a level that you won't be aware of, I'll bet anything that something happened in your childhood to make you feel unloved or rejected, otherwise there's no way that this person could have you hooked on the 'love' that he gives to you. He is using you as an addiction and you are doing the same with him. The difference is that he is also addicted to the big hit of a massive alcohol binge.If you stay, and you try to work this out, it will slowly and steadily sap your confidence, your physical health, your friendships, your chances of getting a good life for yourself and any children you have.For me, after 20 years, I got out by the skin of my teeth and I'm still not recovered four years later - I know I was only able to do this because I'm otherwise very, very strong, bright and determined. As soon as I clearly saw the picture for what it was, I understood how I'd become physically ill with stress and why I had no real friends. For years I had believed I loved him so much I couldn't live without him, even when he was arrested for assaulting me. I didn't know anything else, I simply didn't know where to start, I had no-one.Please don't let the same happen to you. Look inside yourself, with a counsellor if necessary, to find what it is that is making you addicted to this person. Do that first and foremost, before and instead of trying to 'fix' him. Please, please believe me when I say I know that the love you feel for and from him seems absolutely authentic, but it's not. It's a high, a fix and it comes from very deep need on both your parts. Stability is what you have to learn how to "do" for yourself and it will seem boring as hell at first. But after that, life starts to get bearable, and then good and sometimes great. It's a totally different "ball game" to the rollercoaster highs and lows you are on right now. If you stay, you will eventually burn out. Get out now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 You can't. And you should not want to. Because if you are not totally out of your mind, you do not want to date a monster, even a part- time monster, an occasional monster, an once-in-a-blue-moon monster.
Women date men. Not monsters.
OP, pardon me, but- are you off your rocker ? " He punched me on my nose and smashed a cup over my head ? "-
And ?... what are you staying with him for, waiting for what ? To see if next time he can send you directly to the E.R. on an ambulance, if he can smash the whole tea set over your head ?.... Yes ,have no doubts about that , he can do better than a punch, and he will if you stay around long enough.
" I KNOW he would never do anything like that when sober " : Who frigging cares ??? He is NOT sober , he does not STAY sober. He drinks. He is a binge drinker, and he is a VIOLENT binge drinker.. That's who and what he is right now- so right now you should not be anywhere near him.
If he just would stop drinking, he would be the perfect boyfriend.
And if Prince Charles would just divorce Camilla, and marry me, I could be the next Queen of England.
But you bf does not WANT to stop drinking ( you asked him and he refused to take you seriously ). Same as Prince Charles does not want to divorce Camilla for me ( I did not ask him, but, I am pretty sure he does not ).
Live in reality, in what it is ; not in what could be if only you had control over things which escape your control.
OP, of course everybody you should tell what's going on , would tell you to leave him !! What do you expect??. If they care just a tiny little bit about you , what else can they say ? " Oh no, you have to stay there and be his punching ball and risk your life ... ". OP, I have no idea who you are yet I feel horrified ,and concerned about your safety, what do you think your parents or friends could possibly feel ?
Is it possible that the only one who does not give a fig about your physical / mental safety it's YOU ?...
That may be love for him, but that's also hatred for yourself. Why do you hate yourself so much, that you are unable to take the simplest most basic care of yourself ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): In his sober state he is not horrified at having punched you and broken a cup over your head.Sweetheart, he's not just a monster when he's drunk. He's a monster when he's sober too.Lying to your family and friends is isolating yourself from them. As the violence escalates you will find it harder to explain to them .Please please please leave him before he breaks your very soul. Stop thinking he's perfect when he's sober. Perfect boyfriends defend their girlfriends from monsters. He defends the monster in him when he is sober and makes you out to be crazy. You are here second guessing yourself because already you are questioning your own wisdom. If it were your friend or sister you would to tell her to leave without a second thought. Do not stay with him. And please tell somebody what he did. They will strengthen your resolve to leave him if you question yourself. Get out. Now. Not tomorrow. Now before he lulls you back into a sense of false security. Heaven forbid that you accidentally or willingly bring children into this nightmare. Please read the stories of men and women who didn't leave in situations like yours and found themselves changed and marred for it. Google the twitter hash tag whyistayed and have a glimpse into what the future looks like with your fiancé.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2014):
 You write: "My fiance has a binge drinking problem. When we are on a night out, its as if he just can't get enough and he doesn't know when to stop. He blows all our money on it too! And he gets violent."
That's all we need to know. YOU should simply walk away from this ticking bomb and get on with your life.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 October 2014):
 OP you're in denial and you need to snap out of it. This man is an alcoholic and no matter how much you love him, you cant change him. That is not up to you. No matter how good he is when hes sober, the fact of the matter is that he's a violent monster when drunk and he has no control over his actions. He punched you, next he might just kill you. This is no joke OP.
Alcoholics dont know what they're doing when under the influence of alcohol and while they might pretend to regret it later, they never really do. They know very well that what they're doing is WRONG but they continue doing it. Does that really mean they regret their actions? No, they dont. They just say that to wriggle out when they're cornered.
Dont do this to yourself. Imagine having a child with this man OP! You are setting yourself up for a nightmare. Please listen to us and just break-up with him. You don't know what an ordeal you're in for if you stay with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): "I KNOW he would never do anything like that sober."
But you also KNOW he DOES get violent when he's drunk.
"I really truly believe that if hed just stop drinking, hed be perfect"
But he's not going to stop drinking, and from your own description he's far from perfect when he's sober ("she doesn't allow me").
". . .but how can I make him see what a monster he is when he's drunk?"
You can't.
You have two choices: leave him or continue enabling his drinking, therefore putting yourself at risk for further violence.
I suggest you contact al-anon, an organization dedicated to helping those affected by someone else's drinking:
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 October 2014):
 You have a hard road ahead of you if you stay with him. I was married to an alcoholic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. He was an abusive one too, very mean, not the funny kind of drunk. Drunks/alcoholics don't care about anyone or anything when they are drinking. When they are sober most of them are in denial. He's already being violent to you sweetie...why would you want to stay? One day the violence may go too far. You do realize that dont you?
You can try videotaping him, but if he's anything like my ex he won't watch it..deep down inside they know how they are.
I recommend you get out, before he does far more than punch you in the nose.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Maybe he will realize what a monster he is when he stands over your grave.
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