A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid.. Did I over react? I was talking to my bf the other night, and we talked about sex in relationships and I was saying how I prefer to wait until its been a little while in a relationship before sex. So as to get to know the other person. I though he agreed with me, but then he said he liked to "test drive the car before buying it".... Which brought up the obvious question: I though we had been in a relationship way earlier than he did! I though we were in a relationship when we had sex, after all I had asked directly if we were exclusive, and we would hold hands in public and kiss in front of his colleagues etc. I felt offended by his comment of test driving a car, and this made me confused, feeling fooled. He said he wasnt seeing anyone else and was exclusive with me in that regard, but wasnt in a relationship... How do I take this? We agreed that it shouldnt matter, we are in a relationship now anyways. And he is in love with me, cares for me, is sweet to me. But I still feel off about it.. I dont know if we would have become a couple had he been upfront about it NOT being a relationship those first weeks. Because I do not sleep with men I am not in a relationship with, and since he wouldnt have wanted to committ to me without sex first, I would have just walked away from it.So, am I over reacting, or how should I respond to this? We have been a couple for about two months now, and the period where I thought it was a relationship, and he did not, was for about two weeks. And sorry for the spelling mistakes, it is difficult to write on my phone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CindyCares, you helped explain things. Maybe that is the way for the anon poster where she is from. In Norway I suppose we are old fashioned. When you kiss someone it is implied you are going steady, unless something else has been agreed to beforehand, or if it's a case of a complete stranger at a party where there is drinking! But even on those occasions I've had boys want a relationship with me afterwards, when I meant nothing by it. Maybe we commit faster than others in the rest of the world.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 I'd be a bit more lenient with the guy than most posters, because to me ( of course it's just my guess ) that is mostly a case of foot-in-mouth. In which he did not mean anything evil or anything too different from what YOU meant, it just came out wrong and clumsy.
I think that more or less he meant that yes, if you had already ( explicitely ) agreed to only date each other exclusively, yes it was a relationship, and yes there was the good intention of taking it seriously and making it last. PROVIDING that you ( both ), once had checked, and found out a certain level of sexual compatibility.
Sexual compatibility is ( very reasonably ,in my mind ) a big dealbreaker for most people. You can like a person as much as you want ( at one month or a couple of months of dating it's still a matter of LIKING, more than loving ) but if then you find out there's no attraction and no chemistry enough , or that for some reason things do not work at physical livel and there's no way to fix that - then the relationship can't go on and it has to be abandoned, even if it had started with the best intentions.
In other words - you can decide you want a relationship with person X, and you can be in good faith in calling it a relationship- but if unluckily the sex is kind of bleah, then it won't STAY a relationship. Basically I think it's all he meant: " You can't be sure until you try ".
As for counting the beginning of a relationship from the moment you kiss... well, in your case YOU had covered your bases because you had asked him if you were exclusive and he said yes.
Otherwise, ... I guess it has to do with local uses and costumes ?... I see you have a Norwegian flag, so maybe where you live, if you kiss a girl , that IMPLIES that you are in a relationship. In other places it's quite different. For instance, in my country that was the habit of the generation BEFORE mine ( and alas , I am not young !)- a kiss would seal the deal, it meant you were " going steady ". Already in my youth, it was not so anymore, it was much much more of a grey area, some people would see it that way, some would not. Now, it's totally gone, when you have kissed ....it means that you wanted to exchange kisses ; nothing else is implied or
" defined ", unless by explicit agreement- which generally comes somewhat later.
So, the anon's observation which has ruffled your feathers-... probably it should not have. I guess it's just different ways of doing things, courting and dating and having sex go by different rules in different socieries / locations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, seriously? Of course people can determine if they are in a relationship or not. Relationships aren't marriage. If you're in one it implies that you care about the other person, and you're not sleeping around with someone else. If you think it's okay for a guy to use you and be involved with you, when you grow feelings for him and he's just getting involved with tons of other people at the same time.. well, then that's up to you. But that would be a deal breaker for me and most people I know. Don't push your ideas of when people should define what they are on me. If you don't like to define things until.. I don't know, a year? Well that is up to you then. But in my experience it doesn't take that long to define if you want to be exclusive or not, or to discover if you like the other person romantically or not.
I think you're confusing relationships with marriage, and sounds like you've been involved with some commitment phobics. Either way, your point is completely irrelevant. He has already defined us as being in a relationship, so I don't see why you're going on about how I shouldn't expect him to define us. We're defined already. Apparently, I CAN expect a man to define whether we're in a relationship or not after a month.... And, it's been defined even sooner with previous relationships I've had, between adults. It's a normal way for adults to act. You don't have to agree, but don't start belittling me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): OP, it doesn't matter you dated him a month or 2 weeks. It's still very early to determine you are in a relationship or not. One month is nothing, it's initial stages. You might choose to sleep with him without knowing him well enough but to expect him to determine the relationship status is at least strange. This is what 16 year olds do, they think it's something when in fact it's just a guy being horny and wanting to have sex. Public displays of effection mean very little at this point, some guys are just like that. Introducing ou to his friends also mean nothing. I once travelled with a guy after knowing him for 2 months and then overheard him talking to so someone when asked if I am his girlfriend, saying no. I JUST met her couple months ago. This is what is called honeymoon period when passion is still high up, and then when it calms down then when you know it's a relationship or not.
So, when you choose to have sex after 1 month it's really our choice, but it's unrealistic to expect that in guys mind itis a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the helpful answers. I think he got how offensive such a comment is by the way I reacted to it when he said it, and he did apologize. I will let it pass, and rather spoonfeed him about it if he ever says such a thing again. We talked about what it means to be in a relationship also, and it appears we have slightly different ideas. He feels it is a further commitment than being exclusive/public displays of affection. So he thinks of it as more than I do, in a way. This explains why he would agree to be exclusive, yet feel that a relationship is something different.
To the anon poster who had a go at my "naivity" and telling me Im not 16... How is that supposed to be helpful? And, if you bothered to read my post, I did not say I knew him for only two weeks. We dated for over a month before I kissed him, which to me is the point where I am in a relationsjip. Wheras he didnt see us as in a relationship until two weeks later. Do you get it now?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I think YouWish kind of nailed it.
He is parroting some "crap" he heard, because he thought that it sort of makes sense.
I would let it go, but I WOULD tell him how misogynistic his little speech was and WHY you found it hurtful I think HE needs to be spoon fed a little bit of common decency and respect.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Believe me.... you're going to find that most-all of us guys would like, only, to "test drive" the woman who appear to us (regardless if they're actually "available")...
See... we never get over that "candy store" syndrome, wherein we are confronted with an entire CASE of confections which entice us... and we want to try each one, REPEATEDLY..... hoping that we never have to make a choice of one over another (or, all others!).....
YOU have to decide if THIS guy is really interested in you.. or if he is simply angling for more and more "test drives"......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): You sleeping with a guy within 2 weeks of meeting him and expect him to know if he wants to be in a relationship with you?? I think you are old enough to realize now how men are. You are not a naive 16 years old anymore. You are in your late 20s and I assume had a few guys in your life.
Sex is on their mind first, and then comes all the other things like relationship. He will tell anything you want to hear to get you in bed. What other choice does he have? Tell you that he wants to test drive a car? Than he won't get any.
But that's why we women must be smarter than that. Now we know the process, now we are wiser than before and we want to get to know the person better. Though there is no guarantee at leat you did all you could to
Filter men that you meet and make informed desicion.
Unless you just want sex only which is not very common for any woman.
You said you never slept with a guy out of relationship. But whyon Earth you want a relationship with someone you don't even know. I am sorry but 2 weeks is deffinitely not enough to undearstand who is standing in front of you, he may be a racist, womanizer, an idiot, treating his parents terribly, pedofile, thief, drug addict, dishonest, antisocial, phsyco, or a nice decent guy.
So you would not sleep with anyone without a relationship but you would bein relationship with someone listed above? That's just makes no sense.
Whatever he said its really irrelevant, though it sounded very crude, but your principle here don't stand any grounds as within 2 weeks you can't know a person well enough to trust him to be your official boyfriend.
Whether you had sex or not he might be someone you don't even want until you get to know him better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I hate that saying because of the misogynistic connotations. It disregards a woman's dignity, personality, and intellect. Comparing a woman to a car is degrading, and I would have a hard time with a guy who would make that comparison that having sex with me would be "test driving" me.
I think in your boyfriend's case, he was parroting something he heard without really understanding how degrading it sounds to a woman. That saying "test drive" is actually an old one, and it's usually used to argue against the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex. That's like the reason people say "I've been gyped by that store owner" without realizing they just used a racial slur against gypsies or using the word "Hooligan" not knowing it's a slur against Irish people.
I think he used that saying without realizing just how bad it was. It's understandable that you were hurt, but I think he didn't realize just how bad the comment was. I'd tell him how you feel, that the saying objectifies women, makes the beauty of first-time sex into you feeling used, and it's a sexist thing to say. Since he does love you, I think he most likely will feel bad about it once he realizes just how awful the saying is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): I don't think you are overreacting. It was poor communciation at the start. Both were not clear of their values. To be clear, you had sex with him in two weeks before you became an "official" couple?His analogy/metaphor was tactless and offensive. Women are like cars you can ride before buying? Seriously? Sure, people need to be sexually compatible for long lasting relstionships. But, before even starting a relationship? I don't know. Soundys skittish....You have to decide whether you want to be with someone who needs to "test drive" you before deciding he will be your boyfriend and be exclusive. I get the dating phase where both parties are just testing the waters, getting to know each other's personalities before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. But for sex to be one of the conditions? It would be a clash of values.With that said, maybe he just did not think his poorly phrased analogy through before voicing it. Tell him it offended you and ask him what he has to say to clarify himself.
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A
male
reader, LoveIsEternalToOnlyOne +, writes (4 October 2014):
I understand the concern you have towards what he has said to you, many men are like this in many a way & on plenty occasions, it's nothing to worry about if he feels emotionally attached to you now that the deed is done, all you have to do is ask why he would feel such a way when sex is better acted upon when in love with the other & while in a deep meaningful relationship with one another, you're love for him is obviously oh so fond to have been with him even after he said such a thing & he feels deeply about you as well. If it bothers you after a week of getting this & or any other answers than just talk to him about it & why he had said that.
I wish you both the best of luck & a very lively & joyous time together
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): That is a tacky comment and he clearly sees you as a sex object first. Sex is the priority for him and if he thought it wasn't a relationship but made you feel it was, what is to stop him from saying in 3,6,9 months or years later it isn't really a relationship? If he cared about your feelings and respected you he wouldn't say something like that to you imo.
Sharon Stone: "Women can fake an orgasm but men can fake an entire relationship."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): Frankly his remark is crude and I would have asked you to forgive him since he has apologized, because everyone can make a mistake, no one is mistake proof, but I have a feeling that he is right now only interested in having sex with you, whether it can turn to love in the future, no one can tell. It is up to you really if you want to continue with him. If so, I would say keep in the back of your mind that he might also abandon you one day.
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