A
male
age
30-35,
*ether
writes:Hey!I'll get right to it...I'm in a relationship with a woman in her 50s andim in my 20s (male). I started it since i fell in love with who she is after knowing her for a few years and the love is mutual. I just need advice on how to tell her kids... her son in particular who is actually older than me and could crush my head like a watermelon. He stays with us often from work convenience and i have to pretend im just a boarder and its wearing us down. we feel like its a serious relationship and we dont want to have to feel guilty for it and hide. Oddly enough i met this woman through her daughter of which i had a long term relationship with years ago so really that and the age gap are the only things that are probably big deals to others. I can see how this could seem messed up, trust me, but to me i feel this is completely legitimate with real feelings and intentions. Advice on breaking it to the kids (mainly son, for survival reasons) will be appreciated, thanks!
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male
reader, Aether +, writes (19 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ So_Very_Confused + Situation Update
thanks for your answer!
i dont believe in "the one", i believe there are multiple 'ones' in most lifetimes for different 'yous' over time but i cant just forget about everything i build with someone easily and start fresh. what i mean is i know how people change, i learnt that quick. i intend to be in this relationship for as long as possible
Hiding isn't really what we wanted and she told her son today and he is happy for us, which i completely did not expect. her daughter will be more tricky but today i found out apparently she already thinks we have been sleeping together over the 2 years i have lived here, which wasn't the case.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I'm 13 years older than my husband. He's closer in age to my older son than he is to me.
I get where you are at. I worry about your GF... she may not be in it until "something better comes along" which is what i get from your replies.
I can't speak to how the daughter feels or why your GF feels that her behavior is appropriate but I can speak to the fact that it is NOT your place to tell her grown children. It is totally her issue.
IF she hides you from her kids, then she KNOWS that what she is doing is not "acceptable" on many levels. YOU are her dirty little secret... and SHE is your PLACE holder till you meet "the ONE" and you know it... you've said it... in your replies....
does she know this? are you aware that SHE may be in this for the long haul and your "till something better comes along" attitude is going to be cruel in the end?
FWIW, I don't care how my kids feel about my spouse. I don't care how my parents or my ex feels. I don't care what society says and I DO NOT KEEP MY MAN a secret from anyone..
Consider that you two are just place holders for each other... is wrecking her family worth it?
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A
male
reader, Aether +, writes (17 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tisha-1I didnt really think it through, i feel like all i did was participate in my scenario and my emotions and it fell into place.I've already lived with her for 2 years for work reasons so the moving in happened first. She experienced my previous relationship with her daughter, but her and i a separate people now, that was when we were teens.Her mum plans to slowly integrate more closeness between us when her son is around, maybe to get used to the idea and then tell him. Not sure on the daughter.@notsohappyit already is a serious relationship but im taking the future out of it, as should more people. too many things are possible and worry takes away from the present. wish i could do this with the past too! ive had my gf mistaken for my mum tons of times and i think its kind of funny, we are compatible and many of the things you mentioned dont bother me.In the presence of someone more practically suitable i would pass up unless that avenue would be the right one for me but that scenario is applicable to anyone, its a risk and there is always someone better out there, you build with who you have if they fit you well.this may sound naive to you but if i knew i was just a toy boy, i wouldn't be in this, but your points are definitely all concerns to consider."I guess if you were to be 100% honest with yourself how would you react to your own mum dating a boy younger than you or your date dating your ex gf?"at its essence i think its a cultural taboo where we have negative emotional reactions based on expectations or fears that i myself would feel as well if it involved my parents, but taboos need to be addressed for progress. what if my limitation affected their happiness? people are people, if everything is fine beyond the exterior and if intentions are well, we probably shouldn't see a problem.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2015):
 You've known her for a while and even had a relationship with her daughter. You're struggling with her sexual history and past (see this question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-over-my-current-beliefs.html )
Your situation seems to suggest that you may not have thought this all the way through and that you really aren't ready for the relationship. Perhaps you moved in a bit too soon?
Presumably she knows you dated her daughter and has some idea of how to tell her? She is the one who knows her children best, how does she propose to manage this disclosure?
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A
male
reader, Aether +, writes (17 February 2015):
Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses!
@ Midnight shadow
Unfortunately my tongue in cheek didn't come through in text, the whole survival thing was just trying to make light of the situation though i cant deny that its a possibility. Eventually im sure the age gap will become too much as time goes on, but for me its about a positive connection in the present for as long as it lasts, possibly longer than many "normal" relationships.
@janniepeg
i agree with all of that :) though i dont feel like this is about creating drama as im trying to avoid it.
@anonymous
"You snagged her daughter now you're banging her"
thats a very reductionist attitude that i dont feel considers the genuine intentions behind both experiences but i can see how it could be interpreted that way.
Also her daughter cheated on me and it ended years ago so i guess that constitutes some kind of fair game, they dont have much to do with each other anyway, still, i would not like her to feel ill willed towards us.
mentioning that it is more her responsibility to tell her kids is comforting, i didnt mean to imply it was me doing it but both of us.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): Wow. I would be horrified and so pissed off if my mother was dating an ex boyfriend of mine. It wouldn't matter if I no longer had feelings for this ex and the relationship was from a long time ago. Would make no difference. That's a line I would never expect a mother to cross.
It is not your problem to explain anything to her children. They are her children, she is their mother. The responsibility is all her's.
She is not a mute, is she? If not, I am sure she can figure out a way to verbalize this news to her kids. She is 50 years old, a grown woman, she doesn't need your help.
If she has the balls to date her daughter's ex boyfriend, I think she can find the balls to break the news to them, as well.
So, is she trying to get you to do her dirty work? Like somehow it's your problem to tell her kids? Haha! This woman is a piece of work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This will sound harsh but in her daughter's shoes I would be angry at you and I probably would really distance myself from the mother.
iwouldn't want anything to do with the two if you ever again.
What kind of parent does that?
Ps. It's not about the age. You snagged her daughter now you're banging her. That is not a pleasant thought
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 If it's indeed true that her son would physically assault you then as a mother she has duty to protect you, disown him if she has to. I know you want your relationship to be public. If her son gets violent that a younger man is with his mother then there is no point telling him about it. Your only options are to move away or to realize that your well being, your security is more important than genuine feelings for someone. That's a lot against this age gap relationship so I wonder if her mom would be able to do that for the sake of real love. But some people love even stronger when the world is against them.
I suspect if you can develop genuine feelings in an environment that spells drama then you could have feelings for anyone. It's either that you find drama to be exciting or you want to be some kind of contrary character. I would feel she's like that too. That makes you two of a kind.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 Aren't you being a bit dramatic: "for survival reasons"? If he's a genuine threat, don't be in a relationship with her!
Also, you are young 20s and dated her daughter a few years ago? This is definitely messed up and, unless you don't want kids, probably won't work out long-term....
That said, it should be *her* job to tell her kids and to set boundaries with them about their attitudes towards you.
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